Ugh it’s been so long since i haven’t posted on tumblr.
Things have changed A LOT i think. I bought new clothes, started wearing makeup, got a new best friend, and everything. I’ve tried REALLY hard to get better and I’m not as socially anxious as i was before. People at school even compliment me sometimes and I’ve heard there’s a boy that likes me. I don’t consider myself an incel anymore because men wink at me now and i don’t think I’m as ugly as i used to be.
My new best friend is sooo fun to be around and she’s so pretty. She’s new at my school and she already got herself a boyfriend there. I don’t really like the guy she’s dating but it’s not my problem.
My parents don’t talk anymore and I’ve had pretty shitty holidays but whatever. Even though it seemed like my life was improving, more shit came around.
There’s this guy in my class that is so rude and disrespectful, he keeps giving me backhanded compliments which does not help with my body image issues. He always tries to impress my best friend by mocking other people including me, but that is so not funny. Even she told me that the only reason he’s funny sometimes is that he acts retarded. He once asked me if he could borrow my charger, i refused because why would i lend my charger to someone that does not even respect me? He immediately said to the guy next to us “no wonder nobody likes her”, like what the fuck? What kind of reaction is that? He’s like if a pick me girl was a boy.
Like i said his backhanded compliments didn’t help with my insecurities. Despite wearing makeup and dressing better, the way i see myself only got worse.
I’ve always been insecure about my face, and especially my body. Ever since i was little i was really thin, so my mom would force me to eat. This caused me taking very long to finish my food, and i just hated eating. Growing up, i stopped hating it, and i started eating more quickly and more “normally”, although people would say i don’t eat enough. I’m still too skinny and I’m really insecure about it. Once, i was scrolling through Pinterest and i saw a picture of a thin girl. Her body was reaaaally beautiful. I’ve heard of “edtwt” before but i never really payed any attention to it. It is only recently that I’ve discovered how some girls starve themselves to achieve this body type, i thought wow i could be considered the body goals of so many other girls. So I was like “hey i should make a pinterest board with pictures like that to feel better about myself!”. I did that. More pins were recommended to me, i saved all of them. One day i stumbled across a workout routine for an hourglass figure, which i saved to have an “even more beautiful” body. I also got a full body length mirror in my room, that is unusual for me, so now i can see how my whole person looks like.
I have scoliosis, so a side of ribcage peeks out. I lifted my shirt up to check on it after doing some exercises to fix it, but then i noticed how my body doesn’t actually look like the girls on my phone. The reason why they were pretty is that they were skinny, their waist was tiny, their ribcage too and their shoulders as well. My body isn’t like that. It’s skinny, but i have a rectangle body shape, my hips are boxy, my ribcage is pretty wide and i think my shoulders too. That is a problem, because that is not considered beautiful. Very quickly my “body positivity” board became a “body inspo” one.
There’s this girl at school, she’s younger than me but her body is literally hourglass shaped. I feel sick every time i see how small her waist is. She’s not even as skinny as me. I can’t help but feel bad whenever i see her. She always wears tight shirts, but i look horrible in them. I am so jealous of her.
Another day, i was on instagram and found a girl posting her waist measurements. 21 inches. When i got home, i measured myself. 25 inches. What i felt was like, the most atrocious feeling I’ve ever felt. A grown woman had a waist 4 inches smaller than mine when she isn’t even underweight. I’m skin and bones yet i am this fat? I think I’m fat, i see myself as fat. The proportions of my body are terrible and i hate it, i absolutely hate it. Then i started weighing myself. I was 41,5kg.
I started talking about it (including the girl I’m jealous of) to my best friend, and she kept talking about how i was fine and literally too skinny. She said my waist was fine, but not small. I don’t want a fine waist i want a small one. I told her my waist was 25in and she told me hers was 21. 21!!!! That number HAUNTS me!!!!! She’s not as skinny as me either!!!! And she’s curvier than me, more beautiful and all.
Therefore i started eating less, and skipping meals. She kept telling me to eat, but i didn’t want to. Then i tried starving myself. For longer than 24hours. I woke up in the morning and saw i was 38/37 kg and my waist was an inch smaller!!!!! God that felt good but i was feeling really weak i could barely stand up. I binged. After that, i got my period, i didn’t starve myself because I thought I’d probably pass out. Ever since, i stopped but I’d cry everyday. I don’t even know how much time i spend in front of mirrors. It’s so hard to understand what i look like, and every time i try drawing myself i look different. Different, but no matter how i look at it it’s still ugly. I think about it all the time, all day. I always check myself in mirrors. I’ve become terrifyingly aware of how each part of my body looks like, yet it still confuses me. All i know is that they’re ugly.
I’m so preoccupied by the way i look i sort of isolate myself from other people. I stopped replying for a while because i just couldn’t. Even when i text someone i love, it feels like I’m bothering them. I have so much to say but i just can’t. I want to tell people how my day went but it’s not like anybody cares. When someone texts me i just think to myself “why the hell are they doing that”. Like, why would they talk to me? Are they just bored? What about me makes them talk to me? They probably don’t have anyone to talk to right now. They’re really just bored. And some people make me feel that very strongly. Leaving me on seen then proceeding to text me two months later. And i still respond. He texts me because he’s bored and his friends aren’t available. People are just so complicated. Even in real life, when i talk, i get told to shut up by a guy. I just hate that. They’d listen to anything someone would say, but never to me. They care more about my best friend that is a NEW STUDENT than about me. And i hate it when they so obviously talk to me to get their way with her. Why can’t they just go up to her and talk to her??? Right because I’m like a guard dog and she’s a little shy at first. I feel so pathetic for that. I know it’s bad but i don’t like it when she talks to people I’m not friends with. I’m just this insecure, that i feel like she’ll like other people better. She will. But i don’t want that. I don’t want to be replaced. I don’t like it when people talk to me because they want to get closer to her. Like what happened with my last best friend. Why can’t they just talk to her directly? Even then I’d still feel terrible because they like her but not me. I just want to be treated the same as other girls. Just why is everyone interested in them but never in me? Why do i always have to be “the other girl”, “her friend” or “the girl she likes to stay with” ? It’s only been three months and yet 3 boys officially hit on her and two others are interested, I’m positive. I’m sure that one only guy that likes me only does because he thinks I’m the only one that’s not out of his league. We don’t even talk. Girls say I’m cute sometimes but boys never do. That’s just because girls are nice and they wouldn’t date me anyway. Just imagine how I’d get treated if i were pretty. If i had a small waist. I’d never get told to shut up, they’d all listen to me when i talk, they’d all try to initiate conversations with me, life would be so different.
I have no thighs, no hips, no boobs, just what am i even worth? I starve myself now, except on weekends because i can’t tell to my parents that I’ve eaten already when i obviously haven’t. So I just eat twice a day and throw up after meals, but I’m never able to throw it all up. I should get better at vomiting. I don’t care if my waist is the skinniest it can be. If it can’t get smaller, then I’m fine with dying in the process. I want to at least punish my body for what it puts me through. If i can’t be perfect then i want to be the total opposite. I’ll bruise it, I’ll mutilate it and whatever. I want it to be very serious. I want it to kill me or to send me to the hospital so people could finally pay attention. So they could finally care.
I don’t tell my best friend about the starving thing anymore, but when I would talk to her about the way i see myself and everything she’d say i was ill. I don’t know if she’s right. I’ve read a lot about bdd, but the internet says it’s when you see yourself differently from what you actually look like. However i think i see my body the way it is, people just sugarcoat it. It’s always “your body’s fine” “your face is fine” “your — is fine”. They just don’t want to hurt my feelings. If it was really beautiful, i just know my mom would talk about it all the time. She said i was ugly with makeup on. When it’s the only thing that makes me feel decent. I really hope it is my brain that distorts my body. How cool would that be? When I’ll be healed I’ll be like “oh my god i am actually the prettiest girl on earth and my brain was just playing tricks on me!” Ugh…… This whole thing takes up too much space and time in my life. It’s ruining it. I’m thinking about maybe telling my mom to take me to a therapist again, but i don’t know how to. I’ll think about it. I’m not sure if this is happening only because I’m a teen but it just has too much of an impact on my daily life, i can’t live like this. God i wish i were one of those pretty “bpd or schizo girlfriends”. Not that i want to have these disorders but they’re sooo romanticized online. Being insane is “trendy” if you’re pretty but being insane because you’re not pretty is so embarrassing and shameful. Like wow you’re so ugly it makes you sick, I’m not proud of that. I really hate how mental issues are so trendy now. Everyone seems to be bipolar or autistic or something like that. As if it was cool. People will be calling themselves autistic because they’re silly sometimes. It’s so stupid honestly. But it’s not really my problem. I just hope they’ll soon romanticize being ugly.
I don’t know what to do. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and I’ll try hurting myself more. It infuriates me when i have fun. I fucking hate myself. What kind of bitch dares to laugh when she should be thinking about how much of a mess she looks like? I hate it when my stomach growls as if it even deserves food. I hate it when i smile as if i look good. I hate it when i eat as if I’m not big enough.
I hate feeling like a subhuman. I hate crying everyday. I haven’t spent a day with no tears since the beginning of 2025. I have to pretend all day that everything around me doesn’t bother me. I stare and analyze each of other people’s features just to feel bad about mine later. I seek reassurance and validation from my friend all day. I feel so insecure and vulnerable walking alone. I’m too dependent. Every time I show her a picture of a pretty girl online, i just wait and wait for her usual “oh you’re prettier” like a fucking bitch and then i feel bad when she doesn’t add it to her sentence. I keep fishing for compliments not to boost my ego but to stop feeling so horrible. I can’t stand seeing someone get complimented or get attention, because why the fuck not me?? I know that’s toxic and bad but i can’t help it. I’m envious. Sickly envious. I want to have control over what i look like, over what i want to be seen as, over how people treat me…….i just want control. I’m probably an awful girl. Sometimes I’m worried I’m not enough of a girl. My friend looks more like a girl when she’s barefaced than me when I’m wearing makeup.
I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. Whenever i think i finally got out of a spiral of sorrow and sadness, i just get into another one that is worse.
