Forgotten Broadcast

DID System ⋆ Disabled & Chronically Ill ⋆ Trauma + Mental Health Content ⋆ DNI in pinned ⋆ Respectful DMs Welcome

[theforgottenbroadcast]

Welcome to The Forgotten Broadcast

This blog is a space where we share our lived experience with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), physical disability, chronic and progressive illness, and other various mental health challenges.

We were professionally diagnosed with DID about two years ago, though it was suspected much earlier in our life. Earlier this year, we were professionally diagnosed with a chronic, progressive genetic condition that contributes to our physical disability. The exact timing is a bit fuzzy (memory issues come with the territory), but it was within the last several months.

Other mental health topics will naturally appear throughout our posts, so we’re not listing all of them here.

We're taken and not looking for any romantic relationships, but we’re always open to genuine friendship and conversation. Our DMs and Ask Box are open to anyone who approaches respectfully.

DNI (Do Not Interact):

We can’t stop anyone from interacting, but we will block if necessary. We would prefer not to spend most of our time doing that. Please move along if any of the following apply to you:

• Endogenic, Non-traumagenic, Tulpa, or similar system communities

• Anyone who promotes hate or discrimination (racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.)

• Anyone who supports ideologies or movements that undermine human rights

Outro:

That's all from us for now. We do not follow a set-in-stone posting schedule, so expect things to be a bit uneven and inconsistent. We are alive, we are around, and we will show up again whenever we have something worth saying.

For our comfort and safety, alters will not be signing off on posts. Please do not ask who made a specific post, because we will not tell you. If you recognize a fictive’s/factive's source, do not ask which character/person they are or whether you can talk to them. The answer will always be no.

There may also be a fair amount of ranting and/or venting from different alters. That is one of the many ways some of our alters cope with certain issues, and the topics may vary a lot. Please be aware of that before interacting and following. We will do our best to leave trigger warnings or content warnings whenever they are necessary.

[theforgottenbroadcast]

When people talk about being "facets of the same whole," what exactly do you think they're talking about?

Oh, I know.

THE BODY!!! THE SYSTEM!!! (collectively)

The body is the whole. The system is the whole. Not the alters. Not the parts. Not the personalities. The body. The system.

Meaning that you (the alters) are facets of that whole. The whole system makes up the person that exists in the outside world (the body). Alters are facets, parts, dissociated self-states within that whole.

Wow. Who knew?

Apparently everyone except the people trying to use DID as an excuse to avoid acknowledging the harm they or their system may have caused someone else.

We've noticed that some of the loudest pushback against the idea that alters are "facets of the same whole" comes from people who want to distance themselves from accountability.

When harm is done, it can't just be dismissed as "that was another alter, not me." Systems share a body, a life, consequences, and responsibilities. Individual alters may not hold the same memories, intentions, or feelings about what happened, but accountability doesn't disappear because a different part was fronting.

You can identify as separate people if that's what feels right for your system. However, that isn't incompatible with acknowledging that you're members of the same system, share the same body, and that the responsibility for an alters terrible actions still has to be addressed somehow.

"Another alter did it" is an explanation for behavior and experiences. It is not an exemption from accountability. It doesn't magically erase the harm done or remove the system's responsibility to address it.

Systems share consequences whether they like it or not. Accountability doesn't stop existing at the dissociative barrier.

If that upsets you, then maybe it's time to unpack why the idea of accountability feels so threatening.

People outside your system generally don't experience your actions as "Alter A did this" or "Alter B did that." They experience them as actions taken by the body standing in front of them.

That's why system accountability matters. Dissociation can explain behavior, memory gaps, motivations, and circumstances surrounding an action, but it doesn't erase the impact that action had on other people.

"Facets of the same whole" was never about telling alters they aren't allowed to identify as separate, individual people sharing a body. It was never intended to dictate identity or force systems to view themselves a certain way.

It has always been about recognizing the reality of shared responsibility, shared consequences, and collective accountability within the system. It was about acknowledging that dissociation does not exempt a system from the consequences of actions taken through their shared body and their shared life.

When an alter severely hurts someone or causes significant harm, the system as a whole has to bear the responsibility of acknowledging it, taking accountability for it, and facing the consequences for those actions.

Like yes, there absolutely are people in the community who use the phrase "facets of the same whole" to dictate other people's identities or insist that alters aren't allowed to view themselves as separate individuals. That does happen.

But anyone who actually understands the point of the phrase knows that it was never meant to be about policing identity. It's about recognizing shared responsibility, collective accountability, and the fact that "another alter did it" does not erase the harm caused or the need to address it.

[theforgottenbroadcast]

RAHHH!! I hate my fiancée's mother so much. I genuinely cannot stand that woman.

Girl, you are not a victim. You're an abuser.

Yeah, maybe you've got your own trauma from being abused, and that sucks, but it does not give you the right to turn around and abuse all three of your children and your grandchildren too. Trauma is an explanation, not an excuse.

And then, when your kids finally get tired of your bullshit and stand up for themselves, you want to act like you're the victim? Be serious.

I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.

She's lucky we have some self-control because if I ever got my hands on that woman after everything she's put her family through, especially my fiancée... ooh, it'd be over for her.

[theforgottenbroadcast]

I wanted to talk about something we’ve noticed since being on this app because frankly, it’s become impossible not to notice.

Apparently every other community on this app is allowed to exist like a normal group of people, meanwhile the DID community acts like every single post has to pass through some invisible quality control committee before it’s “acceptable” to tag.

People in fandoms post about their breakfast. Artists post about their pets. Writers post about random life updates. Chronically ill people post memes, aesthetics, daily experiences, and unrelated nonsense constantly. Nobody throws a fit over it because normal people understand that communities are made up of actual human beings, not automated information kiosks.

But the second someone with DID posts something that is not an educational dissertation on trauma, suddenly people start whining about “irrelevant content” cluttering the tags.

Why do you care that much? Genuinely.

And before someone pulls the “well people use the tags for research, advice, support, and resources” argument, spare me. If you desperately need answers immediately, Google exists. Medical Books exist. Medical journals exist. Therapists exist. Other search functions exist. You are not entitled to strangers turning their personal blogs into unpaid educational services for your convenience.

It is not the DID community’s responsibility to spoon-feed you information about your disorder every hour of the day.

People with DID are allowed to exist casually online. Shocking concept, I know.

DID impacts the way people think, communicate, behave, socialize, remember things, process emotions, and interact with literally every aspect of their lives. Of course people are going to tag unrelated posts with DID tags. Their disorder does not magically shut off the second they stop discussing symptoms directly.

Sometimes a post is tagged because the writing style reflects dissociation. Sometimes it is tagged because a specific alter wrote it. Sometimes it is tagged because the experience was shaped by the disorder even if the post itself is not educational. Sometimes people just want other systems to see it.

None of that is a crime.

The Tumblr DID community was never created exclusively for educational content. Yes, support and advice are part of it. Nobody is denying that. But somewhere along the way people started acting like systems are only allowed to speak if they're actively teaching, explaining, or justifying themselves.

That is absurd.

The point of communities like this was originally to find people similar to yourself. To interact with people who understood what it was like to live this way. To exist in a space where you did not have to constantly censor yourself to appear “normal” enough for outsiders.

It was not created so some of you could micromanage what traumatized people are “allowed” to post.

You do not own the DID tags. You do not get to dictate what qualifies as “appropriate” DID content.

And frankly, some of you seem deeply uncomfortable with the idea that people with DID are actual people outside of being educational resources. You want systems to sit quietly in the corner until they're needed to answer questions, provide advice, explain symptoms, or validate someone else’s experience. The second they post something casual, humorous, emotional, aesthetic, personal, or completely unrelated, suddenly it becomes “attention seeking” or “tag pollution.”

That sounds like a you problem.

If seeing non-informative posts in the DID tags genuinely upsets you that much, block the person posting. Post about your own experience. Find a forum specifically dedicated to clinical discussion. Make your own resource blog. Nobody is stopping you.

But expecting an entire community to restructure itself around your personal preferences is ridiculous. Tumblr has never worked that way and it never will.

People are going to continue tagging posts however they want because again, DID affects their entire lives. Their thoughts. Their behavior. Their communication. Their identity. Their social experiences. Everything.

You are not required to enjoy that. You are also not entitled to control it.

And if casual community interaction bothers you to the point where you cannot handle seeing systems talk about literally anything besides trauma and symptoms, then maybe the problem isn't the community.

Maybe it's you. Maybe you don’t actually want a community. You just want a database. And that's not what this is.

This community exists so people with DID can find other people with DID. That is the foundation of it. Human connection. Shared experiences. A place where people do not have to constantly explain themselves to outsiders who will either infantilize them, mock them, or treat them like some kind of psychological spectacle.

It was never created so random strangers could walk in expecting free labor from every system they come across.

And again, before someone intentionally misreads this, advice and support absolutely happen here. Nobody is denying that. Communities naturally help each other. That is normal. But there is a massive difference between support happening voluntarily and people acting entitled to it.

Some of you treat the DID community less like a community and more like a customer service desk.

You ask a question and suddenly expect complete strangers to educate you, reassure you, analyze your experiences, help you figure out your symptoms, validate your identity, explain your dissociation, explain your alters, explain your memory issues, and somehow provide perfectly accurate mental health guidance while also never making mistakes.

Do you hear how unreasonable that sounds?

People with DID are not professionals simply because they have DID. Having a disorder does not magically turn someone into a licensed specialist. It does not make them your therapist. It does not make them medically reliable. It does not mean they owe you explanations. And frankly, some of you put far too much weight on random Tumblr posts written by traumatized strangers at three in the morning.

Someone sharing their personal experience is not the same thing as clinical fact. Someone saying “this happened to me” is not them diagnosing you. Someone giving casual advice is not equivalent to treatment.

And some people do not want to provide support at all because they're exhausted, unstable, overwhelmed, private, uninterested, or simply because they don’t owe strangers emotional labor.

That should not be controversial.

Not everyone with DID even can help you. Some people are barely managing their own symptoms. Some people are deeply dissociated. Some people struggle with communication. Some people intentionally avoid giving advice because they know how dangerous misinformation can become online.

Yet somehow people still act offended when systems do not want their blogs turned into unpaid therapy offices.

It is unbelievably entitled.

And all of this circles back to the original point.

It genuinely does not matter if someone posts “non-DID content” while using DID tags. If they have DID, then their disorder inherently affects how they interact with the world, how they express themselves, and how they exist online.

Their blog does not have to transform into a sterile educational archive just because you personally searched a tag expecting only resources.

People with DID are allowed to joke. They're allowed to post art. They're allowed to post aesthetics, life updates, opinions, memes, arguments, interests, hobbies, and completely unrelated nonsense.

They're allowed to exist as people first.

And if someone with DID chooses to tag those posts with DID tags because their disorder influences the way they communicate or because they want other systems to see their content, that is entirely their choice.

You are not harmed by seeing a post that is not tailored specifically to your needs.

Curate your own internet experience like everyone else does.

Block people. Filter tags. Follow resource blogs. Find support groups specifically designed for education and advice. There are countless ways to tailor your online experience without demanding an entire community change how it functions to accommodate you personally.

At the end of the day, people with DID do not stop being people just because they joined a DID community.

And some of you desperately need to remember that.

[theforgottenbroadcast]

People on this app really love to twist your words into something you never even said.

My girlfriend made a post saying that calling in-system relationships “self-love” is not ableist. Somehow, someone read that and decided she was trying to force that label onto people who don’t want to use it.

That is NOT what she said. Not even close.

What she actually said is that it is not ableist to describe in-system relationships as self-love because, from a psychological standpoint, that is what it can be, even if it isn't the label someone personally prefers to use.

At no point did she say anyone has to use the term “self-love.” She never said it was mandatory. She never said everyone needed to change their language or how they identify their own experiences.

All she said is that it is not ableist for other people to use that term, because alters are dissociated identity states within one mind. They are not completely separate people sharing a body. They are parts of the same whole.

So again, point out where she said you are required to use the label “self-love.” You can't, because she didn't.

She did say she doesn't personally understand why some people do not like the term, but that is not the same thing as forcing it on anyone.

Stop putting words in her mouth and then running the second you get called out for it. Blocking her does not magically make you right. It just proves you did not want to be held accountable.

And blocking me for pointing it out? Same thing.

If you do not want to be called out for twisting someone’s words, then do not comment. It really is that simple.

Because honestly, what she said was not even hard to understand. You just chose to misrepresent it and then dipped the moment someone corrected you.

[theforgottenbroadcast]

Okay, this is kind of a long post, so if you don’t want to read all of it, you don’t have to. I’m not even entirely sure which alter wrote this. I’m pretty sure it was the main host, but either way, it turned into a full-on essay. So yeah, I completely understand if you decide to skip it.

If you do decide to read it all the way through, I genuinely appreciate it. And if you want to share your thoughts, your own experiences, or ask questions about what’s going on, you’re more than welcome to. I’ll do my best to respond as quickly and clearly as possible. That said, we do have work today, so responses might not be immediate.

TL;DR this post is mainly about splitting and the fear of faking. If that’s not something you want to get into right now, or you’d just rather not read something this heavy, that’s completely understandable.

(Rest of text below cut)

I’ve noticed that when we split an alter after a major stressor or traumatic event, they seem to split for that specific event. And honestly, that doesn’t help at all with the constant fear that maybe I’m faking, even though I’m professionally diagnosed with this disorder.

When these alters split, they’re there to handle that moment. And when we don’t experience the same or similar situations again, they just… don’t front again.

It gets to a point where sometimes I genuinely can’t tell if we actually split someone new, or if I just thought we did because of how intense the dissociation was during those events.

For example, I believe we split an alter to handle my medical trauma and my issues surrounding the medical field. I believe she’s meant to be my voice for advocacy, especially when I struggle to advocate for myself or when doctors ignore my girlfriend trying to advocate for me.

But the issue is, that’s the only time she fronts.

And sometimes I start questioning everything. I wonder if I really split an alter for advocacy, or if I just… learned how to advocate for myself in those moments without realizing it.

And it’s not just her.

A lot of alters in our system don’t come back after the events they were needed for. Most of them never front again, and I, as the main host, rarely see or hear from them once they’re gone.

So then I’m left wondering: did they go dormant? Did they fuse? Or are they just not fronting anymore because they’re not needed?

I can’t tell.

And that uncertainty feeds directly into the fear that maybe I don’t actually have DID. That maybe I somehow convinced myself, my care team, and everyone else that I have this disorder when I don’t.

I’m pretty sure this is a common experience for systems. I know I’ve seen others talk about it before. But knowing that doesn’t make the fear go away. It doesn’t stop the thought that maybe we somehow manipulated ourselves and everyone around us into believing something that isn’t real.

Another thing that makes us feel like we’re faking is our main Overseer and Archiver. They front most of the time, and because of that, we’re able to remember a lot more, even if communication between alters isn’t great.

From what I understand, the main Overseer and Archiver relay information to alters as they switch in and out. Because of that, there aren’t many noticeable gaps in memory unless the dissociation is so bad that even they can’t function well enough to retain anything.

A lot of the alters this affects are the ones who don’t have strong internal communication yet, especially newer ones who are still learning. And I don’t know if that’s normal, because it’s not something I see talked about often.

Our care team has said it’s possible, though. They mentioned that if we were ever punished or got in trouble for “lying” or “making excuses” when we said we couldn’t remember something, then our brain might have adapted. It might have decided that relaying information between alters was safer, so we wouldn’t get hurt or accused again.

The problem is, I don’t remember if that actually happened.

I know I’ve been looked at like I was crazy for not remembering certain things while being able to remember others just fine. But I don’t know how that registered in our brain at the time. I don’t know if it was processed as something traumatic compared to everything else we were dealing with.

Most of our childhood is just… gone. It’s blank, with only a few scattered memories here and there.

So I don’t know if that kind of experience could have triggered something like the creation of a main Overseer and Archiver to help us function. I don’t know if that’s why they exist.

What I do know is that we hate not remembering.

We hate feeling like we should remember something and just… can’t. We hate that huge parts of our life, especially our childhood, are missing.

I don’t know if the Overseer and Archiver exist because of that, or because we were punished for not remembering and “making excuses.”

Maybe it’s both. I honestly don’t know.

But either way, it doesn’t make the doubt any quieter. It doesn’t stop the feeling that maybe we’re faking, and that I’m just somehow really good at convincing other people that this is real.

I don’t know. I feel like I’m insane sometimes.

It just… sucks living with this disorder. It sucks constantly living with the fear that we’re faking, and somehow we’re just really good at convincing everyone around us, even professionals, that we have something we don’t.

It sucks dealing with the memory gaps, and it also sucks dealing with the memories we do have. It sucks switching in and out. It sucks splitting someone new and not even being sure what that means for us long term.

It just fucking sucks.

And I really wish I didn’t have this disorder.

The other issue is that I don’t think final fusion would work for us, not with everything we’ve been through and everything we’re still dealing with. I feel like functional multiplicity is the most realistic thing we can aim for, and our care team has said the same.

But even that sucks.

It sucks knowing that instead of becoming one, we have to learn how to function together. We have to communicate, cooperate, and exist as a system instead of separating the way we’re used to. That’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s not something that comes naturally, especially when splitting and disconnecting is what we’ve relied on to survive.

And I hate having to learn about the abuse I went through when I can’t even remember most of it.

It feels wrong, like I’m being told about my own life from the outside. And sometimes it feels like learning about that abuse is making things worse instead of better, like it’s actively destabilizing us instead of helping us heal.

I know healing isn’t linear. I know that processing trauma means facing things your brain blocked out for a reason. I know that, in a way, it can feel like you’re retraumatizing yourself just to be able to work through it and eventually move forward.

But knowing that doesn’t make it easier.

Because sometimes it just feels like I’m getting worse instead of better.

And the fear of faking doesn’t help at all.

If anything, it makes everything worse.

Because then it starts to feel like we’re working toward something we might not even need. Like we’re putting all this effort into understanding our system, improving communication, trying to function together… and for what? If I’m somehow wrong about all of this, what's the point?

And that thought alone is enough to make me question everything we experience. Every switch, every memory gap, every new alter, every moment of dissociation. It all starts to feel unreliable, like I can’t trust my own brain or my own experiences.

So instead of feeling like progress, sometimes it just feels like I’m digging myself deeper into something that might not even be real.

And that’s a terrifying place to be.

[theforgottenbroadcast]

Hey men, if you're upset about Savannah’s Law going into place in January because “women are gonna make you attack them” or “they’re gonna intentionally provoke you so you end up on this list,” all that does is prove you have the emotional capacity of a toddler.

Because unlike what you’re implying, there are plenty of men out there who can control themselves enough to not hit anyone, let alone a woman.

If a woman gets you so upset that you hit her instead of walking away, that’s on you. Completely. “Oh, but she wouldn’t let me leave.” You’re telling me you’re capable of hitting her into submission, but somehow not capable of just leaving? No. You didn’t leave because you didn’t want to. You wanted to hit her, and then you wanted to blame her for you losing control of your own emotions.

Women are not responsible for your emotions or your reactions, you fucking troglodyte. Grow up. Be a man.

Real men do not hit women. They learn how to regulate themselves instead of lashing out like a child the second something doesn’t go their way.

The only reason some of you are visibly upset and shaken by this is because you know how close you are to crossing that line. You know all it takes is one wrong word, one wrong moment, and you’ll lose control. That’s not fear of injustice, that’s fear of accountability.

It is very simple really: If laws protecting women feel threatening to you, you are the reason they exist.

And being “provoked” is not, and never has been, an excuse to put your hands on anyone. Especially not your partner. Grow up.

Why are you scared? There are millions of men who aren’t. So what makes you different?

I’ll tell you what. You react like a cornered chihuahua, snapping the second you feel threatened instead of walking away like an adult. That is not strength. That is not masculinity. That’s a lack of control.

And that lack of control is exactly why laws like this exist.

No woman is out here plotting to “trap” you into violence. And even if someone is trying to provoke you, that still does not justify putting your hands on them.

Grow up.

Learn to walk away and regulate yourself.

[theforgottenbroadcast]

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: having Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) isn’t fun or quirky.

It’s not a break from reality, and you shouldn’t play into the delusions or realities of alters that aren’t this reality, because that can lead to someone (the system or even you) getting hurt.

This disorder stems from severe, extensive childhood abuse. What sounds fun about that?

What sounds fun about your brain creating a coping mechanism because it thought you would die without it?

I’m not going to say having DID is completely terrible, because it has saved my life on multiple occasions, but that doesn’t mean this disorder is fun.

Every single one of my alters/parts has trauma they can barely handle on their own. Without therapy, we would be dead. Yes, we can communicate and have good relationships with each other, but that takes time and effort. We have to work together, and that can be hard for those who don’t trust people or like having their own independence (aka not wanting help, not separate identities).

This disorder is not fun. We struggle daily. We have days where we’re not switching or dissociating as much, but that’s rare considering the state of our body, work life, and home life.

I might not be being abused right now, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t going through stress that makes it hard on every single one of us.

This disorder is not fun. What about this disorder seems fun?

And don’t bring up fictives and factives, because just like every other alter/part, they're extremely traumatized and struggle with the trauma we dealt with as a child and the stress we feel almost on a daily basis.

This disorder, even if you have your favorite characters/people in your head, is not fun.

I wonder when people will realize that.

[theforgottenbroadcast]

One thing I hate about being such a covert system is that when I see others talking about their systems online, I feel like I can’t talk about what I experience due to the fear that I’ll be called a faker because it’s not presenting the way a lot of systems on Tumblr or TikTok claim theirs do.

Obviously, every system is different, and I know that, but seeing so many systems online experience so much of the same stuff makes me feel like I’m insane and don’t actually have this disorder, even though I’ve been professionally diagnosed for 2 years.

There are things that I obviously do experience that are similar to these systems online, but for the most part, so many of these systems claim to experience almost everything the same way, and I don’t experience things completely like they do. So I feel like I can’t talk about my experiences and be taken seriously when discussing it.

People online make it seem like this disorder is “fun.” And yeah, there are things that are sometimes “fun,” more so useful, I guess. For the most part, this disorder isn’t fun. It actively ruins my life while simultaneously saving it.

There are so many things that I can’t remember from my childhood or life in general. I constantly have to have notes, alarms, and calendar events to remember things like my anniversary, birthdays, holidays, doctor’s appointments, work, etc.

I also don’t switch the way most of these people switch. We only switch when stressed or going through a traumatic event. There are positive and negative triggers, but it's never as dramatic as what we see online. There are times where I’ll switch while driving or in the middle of doing something that could lead to someone getting hurt if we switched the way we see systems online, especially on TikTok, switch.

Sometimes, I don’t even realize I’ve switched until hours later, so I feel insane when I see systems switch so easily and immediately know that someone else is there and who they are.

And when it comes to introjects, we feel like we can’t talk about them because, unlike most systems online, the fictives and factives in my system aren’t a complete 1-to-1 of their source. If I remember correctly, we only have 2 fictives that completely align with their sources. Other than that, most only take certain pieces from that character or person that align with who we are as a person and our trauma.

Most introjects in my system do take on the names and/or appearances of fictives and factives because it’s easier, but for the most part, that’s only sometimes. They occasionally take traits from their source that don’t align with us or our trauma, but it’s mostly stuff that does align with us and our experiences. Most of the time, you wouldn’t know they were an introject until looking at the names and/or pictures.

When so many people online talk about being fictive/factive-heavy with alters that are literally just their source, I feel like I can’t talk about my introjects because they’re not a 1-to-1 of their sources like so many we see online, so others are bound to think we’re faking.

And unlike a lot of other systems online, we don’t dress up as the introjects or any other alter. I already deal with dysphoria as it is, so yeah, the dysphoria for certain alters (especially the male) is rough for us, but we don’t feel the need to constantly change our appearance when a different alter fronts, especially because we don’t have stuff readily available to do so when we’re out and about.

The dysphoria we feel hurts. There are times where we can’t even look in the mirror, both because of the gender dysphoria I feel and the dysphoria alters feel because they don’t look like how they view themselves within headspace.

We’ve all collectively agreed on what we do to the body, which is part of the reason we don’t do this, but it causes some of the alters dysphoria to hit harder when we see so many people dress completely like their alters and claim they’re separate identities and not just facets of who they would have been had they not been severely traumatized.

And the belief that these alters aren’t facets of you completely fucks with our head. We know that alters are NOT separate identities, but seeing so many people claim that they are fucks with us personally because we already struggle with our identity, both as a system and as someone who’s trans.

We see so many systems online avoid doctors and therapists, not because they have medical trauma, but because they feel like they can handle this on their own or because doctors and therapists don’t immediately diagnose them with what they believe they have and/or want, so they don’t go. DID cannot be managed on its own without years of therapy. I avoided doctors and therapy for the longest time because of my medical trauma and because certain family members convinced me that seeing a “shrink” would just cause more issues because they just want my money, so they’ll diagnose me with whatever as long as it keeps me coming back.

It got to a point though where that wasn’t possible anymore. I had to talk to someone or I probably wouldn’t be here right now to make this post.

Tldr; there are many other things that aren’t “fun” about this disorder, but listing everything in this post would take hours to read. Hell, I’ve tried to off myself a couple of times because of this disorder and the damage it’s causing me and my life. I’ve been in therapy, so I am better and can cope better than I used to. But that doesn’t change the fact that this disorder is debilitating and has ruined many aspects of my life, especially with friendships and relationships.

I’ve had people lie about having the disorder just to get close to me. Then, when I start pulling away because of their toxic behavior, they admit that they never had it and were only “making friends in their head” due to their feelings of loneliness and feeling like others didn’t care, which makes me feel bad for having pulled away to begin with. This causes us to stay longer, and that puts the system and our healing at risk because now we feel stuck and are dealing with a lot of toxic stuff.

I constantly have to be careful to not let this disorder disturb my life, which is hard when I’m constantly seeing others claim their disorder works in a way we barely see others talking about.

I know overt systems exist. I just find it hard to believe that there are suddenly this many overt systems online when DID is a mostly covert disorder.

My switches are so unknown to people outside the system (and even to the system sometimes as well) because our switches rely on body language and facial expressions to show that a switch happened.

My girlfriend has been the only person who openly admitted that she noticed these things before I even told her I had DID. When I suspected having a dissociative disorder (not necessarily DID yet) some people in my life claimed they noticed, but they always seemed to dramatize what they would see. When looking for help, my therapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist seemed to be the only people who worked with me to figure out what was wrong and didn’t dramatize the things they saw. My girlfriend hasn’t either, but I met her after my diagnosis, not before.

That’s part of the reason why I don’t tell people so soon into meeting them. I’ve had terrible experiences when telling people too soon that sometimes I don’t even tell anyone at all.

My girlfriend, therapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist are the only people in my personal life now who know I have it. My own family members don’t know because I don’t want to cause my mother pain due to her believing that maybe she could have done more when she herself was also being manipulated and abused. And because I know some would use that to excuse their transphobia and homophobia towards me.

I just feel insane when I see people openly talking about it with people they just met or openly talking about it with family. I feel insane when I hate this disorder because so many people online treat it like something “fun” and like “having friends in your head.” I feel insane for not stating every detail about every alter, for not stating who’s posting, and/or for not dressing up as them. I feel insane for keeping my account anonymous while talking about this disorder because so many people aren’t.

I just feel insane.

[theforgottenbroadcast]

I’m not usually the road rage type. Not often anyway. But earlier today someone was really out here testing my patience and impulse control.

Tell me why this idiot felt the need to ride my ass like I wasn’t already going five over the speed limit. In the rain. On wet roads.

So I speed up just a little to get him off my ass, and suddenly he drops back. Fine. Whatever.

Then I start braking to turn left onto a dirt road. He’s still about ten feet behind me. And instead of just waiting two seconds like a normal person, this genius decides that this is the perfect moment to speed up and try to pass me while I’m actively turning.

While. I’m. Turning.

If I hadn’t already been watching this truck like a hawk because he’d been tailgating me, I would have slammed straight into him mid-turn.

I had to slam on my brakes, partially in the other lane, because he suddenly decided he wanted to play stupid. I wasn’t crawling into the turn either. I was going 30 in a 50 for less than five minutes because I was turning onto a 25 mph dirt road. Completely normal.

People drive like their impatience is more important than everyone else’s safety, and it’s insane.

I hope your truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere with no signal, and the tow truck takes three hours to show up. Genuinely, fuck you.

Learn some damn patience before you kill someone.

And I hope you step on a Lego barefoot. Repeatedly.