NOTHING // NO ONE

[thefreekidd]

I think i’m gonna quit the internet for a little bit and just document my thoughts here. Yesterday wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but life is about to get worst. I decided to quit weed and twitter for the month and see what gives. I also applied for this random night job. I pushed all my travels away until next year and i decided to focus on not hating my life. I want to be alone and I'm scared but I have to get out of this hole before i self destruct. 

[thefreekidd]

Today sucked and i know this only the beginning. I don’t know if i’m depressed because I haven’t smoked weed in two days or because I had a bad dream. I don’t know why I do things I’ll regret. I don’t know why I do things when I know better. I went to breakfast with amra  and now I hate myself more than I did when i woke up, which i thought was impossible. I wish she didn’t love me. I wish she hated me or would at least leave me alone. My world keeps getting weirder and weirder and it’s starting to feel like someone is pranking me.  I don’t know how to tell anyone I feel like blowing my brains out. I hate my friends. I hate the fact they think they get it. i hate that no one understands me. I hate that i’m alone but can never actually be alone. I hate that I can never fall in love with those who love me. I hate that my ideal relationship is so unrealistic. I hate that I think too much to be in love.  I hate that I can feel so happy one minute and feel like this the next. I hate that I wanna kill myself so bad but can never bring myself to actually do it. I hate that no one can see through me. I hate going on dates. I hate always chasing love when I know I’m not capable of loving. I hate my potential. I hate that I could do great things but don’t. I hate the space I waste. I hate my room. I hate that I moved back in with my mom. I hate everything. I hate that i’m so numb. I hate that I can’t stand twitter anymore. I hate the world for making me feel like I have to be on the internet. I hate my addiction to the internet. I hate that I don’t know who to vent to anymore. I hate that I don’t talk to camille. I hate that eric lives in bc. I hate that I can be so honest on the internet. I hate that i’m the only one who can help myself and but i don’t know how. I wish i could just die but I know I won’t. I wish I could just jump off a building but even with all this hate i can never seem to separate myself from the idea that i’ll do great things. I hate all the hate I hold in my heart because it’s not even enough to break me. I wish this was my suicide not, but it’s not. I wish I was strong enough to commit suicide. I hate that I don’t know how to explain to anyone what’s going on with me. I hate that my mom is so confused about me. I hate that i’m still gonna trip tonight when I know its probably not a good idea. I hate that i’m gonna fuck her tonight when i know i shouldn’t. I hope the shrooms make me feel better.