the future is lesbians

lesbian radical feminism call me leaf

[thefutureislesbians]

one of the first and most intimate wounds we as womyn are subjected to is from our mothers (often called the mother wound).

while our fathers often create the most visible hurts or traumas, our mothers tend to be the ones coloring the way we process those traumas & build relationships. they determine what we are willing to take, based on what we watch her take. she is the blank page on which our experience of womynhood is written. our mothers overidentify with us as daughters. we are viewed as an extension of themselves, and when we are young and desperate for connection, we think this is love. my mother loves me because I am like her. so in order to receive love, I must not upset her.

but as we grow older and less like her, that dynamic shifts. as daughters, our mothers view us as both natural allies and eventual enemies. women will lament the birth of a daughter because they know they will become jealous when their male spends time with her. however, we are the first witness to her abuse from our father who has not been yet brainwashed to accept it as normal. so she confides in us. she parentifies us. she seeks comfort in us. again, young and looking for connection, we view this role as important, as something to be proud of. my mother trusts me, because it is she & I against my father. I alone can tend to her wounds. I am important.

but it’s her job to brainwash us, too. she must normalize the abuse in our minds, or else we’ll become lesbians or feminists (or both!) (and therefore stray even farther from her). she will downplay it and try to make an enemy out of us for defending her once her wounds are tended to. her role is to prepare us for womanhood, and she knows that. as much as she would like an ally. our mothers introduce us to the concept of shaving, of makeup. they introduce us to the inevitability of heterosexuality, of PiV, of being victimized the way we watched her be victimized. our mothers condition us to accept spousal rape, arranged (even child) marriages, abuse from our husbands, countless pregnancies. to pass on our abuse to our daughters: “when you have a daughter, you’ll understand.”

so many young womyn grow to see their mother as stupid, as irrational. to overidentify with their abusive fathers in the mindset of paternalism: he abuses her because she is too dumb to know better, he controls her because she is irrational. that cognitive dissonance is one of the most confusing parts of female adolescence. the allying with our fathers who hurt us (ourselves and our mothers), in order to lash out against our mothers who are training us to be hurt. no one is our ally, but it seems safer to be his.

it’s tempting to view our mothers only as victims. they were victims. they are victims. but victimization doesn’t preclude abuse. it doesn’t mean what she did to you wasn’t within her control. when we speak about agency under patriarchy, we often come to a narrow conclusion that womyn have none. that we are perpetual victims who cannot make a free choice.  but the fact is, most womyn, especially in the west, do have the agency to make choices. that a choice comes with consequences under oppression does not mean a choice doesn’t exist.

our mothers made the choice to carry on the cycle of abuse toward their daughters as their mothers did to them. our mothers made the choice to not heal from their hurts and pass those hurts on to us. that doesn’t have to be our choice. we can choose to do better for our daughters, for our nieces. we can prioritize them and their safety and their growth. we can heal from what hurt us and raise a generation with no wounds to heal from.

the mother wound is ancient, but it isn’t permanent. it isn’t unavoidable. womyn and mothers can make better choices. patriarchy will have you believe you do not have the agency to make these choices, but you do. you can remove yourself from the cycle, and thus remove every womyn who comes after you. raise a daughter who loves her daughter, and that daughter will love hers. or if you are childfree, you can encourage your sisters, your nieces, and girlchild you interact with.

women hurt womyn. there is no way around that. but this is descriptive, not prescriptive. there is always another way.

[thefutureislesbians]

the dreaded follow up: lesbophobia in anti separatism rhetoric. the disclaimer I wish I didn’t have to add is that not ALL arguments against separatism are rooted in lesbophobia, but many are, & separatism discussion definitely brings out the lesbophobia in womyn here

example 1: this is the same as conversion therapy comparing urging womyn to voluntarily separate from men for their own safety is different from conversion therapy. implying otherwise downplays the trauma & abuse lesbians suffer, as well as implies we want you to be lesbians  conversion therapy is not something any heterosexual womyn will experience, period. it is a trauma unique to SSA womyn, & even more uniquely traumatic to lesbians who are not attracted to males at all. you will not be forced to be a lesbian. that is lesbophobic fearmongering.

which leads into example 2: you just want US to become lesbians, you incels: implying that lesbians promote separatism to lure in unwilling womyn to rape is lesbophobia. we do not want to fuck you. we are not being predatory by promoting separatism for YOUR safety. the idea that lesbians are sexual predators waiting to lure heterosexual womyn to abuse and rape is an old and tired lesbophobic trope. it is the reason we are beaten and raped by men. do not perpetuate this. furthermore, we do not want womyn who are not lesbians to be or call themselves lesbians. political lesbianism is something most of us are vehemently against. you can honor your reality as an opposite sex attracted womyn without engaging in relationships with men. the jokes I’ve touched on before, but they’re relevant once again. they revolve around stereotypes of lesbians: we are violent, we have bad relationships with our fathers, we are dirty. these are all classic lesbophobic tropes.

arguments and pushback against separatism that are actually arguments and not just attacks, can be and genuinely often are lesbophobic too. they are rooted in the fear of BEING a lesbian. to understand this, we need to understand what lesbophobia IS.

lesbophobia at it’s most basic is the intersection of misogyny and homophobia. homophobia at IT’S most basic is another form of misogyny, the hatred of people who do not conform to heterosexuality, and therefore gender roles (misogyny).  the lesbophobe views a lesbian as a failed womyn. she does not care for or even cater to men (for as long as you do the second, it doesn’t matter how much you hate men). because what is womynhood if not subordination to men?  but the lesbian doesn’t fuck men, doesn’t nurture men, doesn’t soothe men’s egos. she may even be entirely homosocial, and remove herself from men completely. she reminds him that womyn do not exist for him to use. in this, she has failed as a womyn. therefore, she is less than human. she is beat. she is raped. she is denied housing, jobs, custody of her children, the right to marry, healthcare. the list goes on. she is demonized: lesbians are fat (evil), hairy (disgusting), manhaters (criminal).

so within heterosexuality, womyn are conditioned to fear & hate the lesbian. conditioned to be everything she is not. conditioned to be terrified to even be associated with her, lest they suffer the same consequences. and what is the easiest way to be branded a lesbian by society, even if you yourself have no attraction to womyn? divorcing yourself from men. in fact, when it comes to society’s definition of lesbianism, attraction to other females often plays little to no part. that’s not the transgression they are concerned about. they hate the lesbian because she does not center men, which is the primary purpose of a womyn.

so we come full circle back to separatism: womyn are threatened by it often because they see the idea of being labeled a lesbian by society as a threat. at the end of the day, all womyn know we can live without men. we know that their presence is harmful to us. listen to conservative/older womyn talk amongst themselves when there isn’t a lesbian or male present. listen to the way heterosexual womyn talk about their husbands.

listen to your grandmothers, and how their demeanor shifts when their husbands die. listen to the oldest womyn living, telling us the key to their success was avoiding men. womyn know this. but they also know that there are acceptable parameters to their knowledge. they know they can hate men, as long as they still cater to them. they can know of men’s evil, as long as they don’t separate from men. but heterosexual womyn every day are overcoming the fear of being labeled lesbian, and separating from men. so what’s stopping you? 

instead of asking questions as a conclusion to this thread, I’ll open it up to your questions. did I miss anything you were confused about? are you still not seeing the connection? you can either DM or respond here.

[thefutureislesbians]

radical feminism is the theory. separatism is the praxis.

what separatism is: the radical, political choice to separate ourselves as womyn from men, any time and anywhere possible. what separatism is not: killing your father, refusing medical care from a male in an urgent situation, not owning a male dog. this is a joke. I am joking. we’re having fun here. but really! separatism is not about imposing on womyn, or making their lives harder. it is about freeing ourselves from males. it is about a freedom you can’t fathom until you’ve begun to experience it. whether you believe male violence is nature (biological, unchangeable), or nuture (conditioned into them by society) or even somewhere in between, the conclusion is the same: males are dangerous to females. and the solution to that conclusion is to remove ourselves as best we can from these violent males. separatism is the solution to male violence, and the culmination of radical feminist theory. of course, We Live In A Society. full separatism is not always possible - and I’ll speak more on that later, don’t worry! 

if you believe men are biologically violent, and predisposed to doing harm against womyn, then it’s simple. they cannot change (or cannot change much), so we remove ourselves. we will not fix men, so we will save ourselves. there are many arguments for the biological nature of male violence: it starts very young, increasing with rising testosterone levels, and is exhibited simiarly in comparable mammals. many large mammals live in female groups due to the violent nature of their males.

if you believe men are conditioned into violence, the solution stays the same. a man will not change his behavior, even if he can, without an incentive. womyn have organized and removed themselves before in protest. in 1974 in Iceland, 90% of the country’s womyn went on strike. they did not care for children, cook, clean, or go to work. the country SHUT DOWN. businesses, schools, banks, all closed. men realized for the first time how VITAL womyn are. and this was one day.  if anything were going to change men, it would be this. men cannot function without womyn. womyn mother them and marry them, wiping their asses so to speak from cradle to grave. we increase their pay and their lifespan by marrying them. they decrease both of ours.

now back to full separatism (ie, womynsland). it’s not always attainable: we know this. there might be any number of reasons: financial hardship, disability, obligations to family/children, or even just a genuine lack of womynsland you can get to! (and, of course, outside of the west, there are a myriad of legal obstacles as well.) does this mean you can’t practice separatism? NO! you can & should still separate when and where you are able! any womyn can: not partner and/or live with a man, not have or prioritize male friends, not do favors for men, not see male doctors, therapists, professors, etc, when able, hire womyn for handiwork, support womyns art, literature, music, academics, careers, etc, prioritize female friends & family members, find, create, and engage in female only spaces, clubs, societies, teams, etc, mentor younger womyn, help other womyn connect & separate, too! create resource trees, share contact information, etc. as always, I’ll end with some questions: what ways, big or small, do you practice separatism? what has separatism & prioritizing females brought to your life? if applicable, what is holding you back from separatism/separating more?

[thefutureislesbians]

transition is seen as something that is inevitable for all butches, regardless of politics or the spaces they primarily move in, even if these spaces view transition as a negative.

in primarily heterosexual spaces, awareness of transness has come at the expense of butchness. we are asked for our pronouns and identity (when our feminine peers are not) and met with confusion and even disagreement when we affirm our femaleness obviously, in queer dominated spaces, we are assumed Pre Trans Men. trans men in denial. trans men who just haven’t figured it out yet. we are encouraged to examine our gender, to experiment with T, binding, or different pronouns  and even if we refuse all of the above, we have our womynhood forcibly removed from us by use of they/them pronouns and by assertions that “butches have a complex relationship with womynhood” or sometimes, boldly, “butches are never womyn”

in spaces that are primarily “normie” lesbians — i.e., not queer rights activists, but not radical feminist, priority is given to the voices of butches who are transitioning. dysphoric butches are fetishized — “chasers” often dominate these spaces  and female-identifying butches are often shut down, overlooked, and silenced in favor of butches who are dysphoric. this is branded as “inclusivity.” referring to butches as unequivocally female can get you removed from the space. because, after all, butches are not womyn in the same way as feminine womyn. butches will transition, at some point, and so we should not consider them female at any point.

and then we come to radical spaces. there is a negative association with transition here, in most cases. yet the inevitability persists. comments like “how long until she transitions?” or “she’ll be a they/them soon” are commonly directed toward butches who are public figures and when a womyn does transition, “it was only a matter of time” is often the most common sentiment. womyn lament the loss of a fuckable butch, instead of expressing concern for a womyn hurting so badly she wishes to disappear herself. anecdotally, I once saw a thread where several feminine womyn (some lesbians, some not) expressed that they no longer trust butches, even radical ones, because it’s inevitable that we will transition and betray them. even in radical spaces that claim to be trans neutral, transition is inadvertently normalized, which again creates an atmosphere of inevitability. “lots of butches transition, (or even: it’s part of butch culture) so we can’t say that it’s wrong.”

framing transition as something normal or value neutral is just as harmful as promoting it, especially when transitioned butches take priority in the community & in discussions of dysphoria. this especially evident in communities where discussions of dysphoria are uncensored and not intentional (read: having a structured purpose and goal). side note: this is a drawback of and almost unique to radical feminist twitter, where our political accounts and our personal accounts are often one in the same, which leads to venting and personal posts becoming public discourse. time spent not disparaging transition because it might hurt the feelings of womyn who chose it is time that is not spent on discussing transition alternatives and methods of healing, which, you guessed it, furthers the idea that if you are butch and you are dysphoric, and even radical feminists do not provide alternatives or coping methods, you will transition. discussions of the negative drawbacks and irreversible effects are not effective in combating this belief. when you are so dysphoric that you want to transition, the drawbacks seem a fair price to pay to “fix” your problems. conversations instead should focus on constructive alternatives for the long term, and coping methods for when you are in crisis — like you would any mental health/self harm condition. for example: DBT methods to help cope in crisis, such as: grounding techniques, physical activity, mindfulness & thought honoring, statements of body neutrality & functionality, affirmations of wholeness & safety, and, in the long term, trauma therapy!  (please feel free to share more things that helped you heal!). again: another thread without a conclusion (sensing a pattern yet?) but once again I’ll end with an invitation to discussion: what have been your experiences with dysphoria and transition? have you felt pressure in certain spaces to transition? what conversations would you like to see around butchness, dysphoria, or transitioning? what would be helpful to you?

[thefutureislesbians]

butches occupy this liminal sort of space both in general culture and even lesbian/specifically butch/femme spaces. we are both glorified and demonized — fetishized and infantilized. often by the same people in the same conversations!

we are often treated, both in our  communities and out, as “Men Lite”, or a trial into sapphism. we’re not /really/ womyn, but we’re not /really/ men. we’re expected to preform the parts of masculinity that womyn enjoy, and leave out the parts they don’t. meanwhile, we are cast as aggressive and dominating. sometimes this is sexually fetishizing: we will be the top, we will not receive, we will be sexually abusive and into kink. but sometimes it’s not “positively”,sexual, and we are perceived as unwanted sexual aggressors, as bullies when we hold boundaries, as cruel when we have backbones butches must be soft and demure in conversation, or we are painted as the villain. and then, as with all stereotypes, we are hit with the double-edged sword of then being infantilized and mischaracterized as not being able to defend or speak for ourselves

I myself have had countless interactions, both online and off, where I was being paitent, kind, understanding— but firm, and self-protective —and found myself characterized as an aggressor and bully in what I thought was a plain, cordial conversation. womyn treat us as though we are not female. we are “misgendered” even by our own, assuming that if we look the way we do, we must not be womyn. even today I was called “they” by more than one radical womyn. when I speak of my body with heterosexual womyn, I am received with shock and disgust that something that looks like me has breasts, menstruates, and even can become pregnant. sometimes, even bisexual womyn and other lesbians echo those sentiments of shock when we are not being mistreated, we are often being dehumanized by being reviled. we are flawless, one dimensional beings with no flaws and no differences. all butches are tough, kind, loving, chivalrous, brave. while that sounds positive on the surface, it leads to immense pressure to preform. to be less than human. or to dissociate ourselves from our butchness. it denies us the agency to be the human beings that we are, and plays into our fetishization. a good butch has no needs, she exists to care for her femme.

I’m not sure I have a conclusion to this thread, but I would /love/ a discussion (primarily with other butches, but any questions from non butches are fully welcome!). I feel as though, especially in radical spaces, we are overlooked we are made out to be escapees from patriarchy, both by nature of being lesbians and not partnering with men, but by being more attuned to masculinity and therefore “escaping” the harms of femininity - though in reality we often struggled the most. I see the sentiment expressed from butches often that our thoughts on certain aspects of radical feminism are irrelevant, or feel like bragging, but this is not true! I would love to see us speaking up more, sharing our experiences, both good and bad.