My name is Aleks. This fund me page is for my boyfriend, carer and hero Edward. Without whom I wouldn't be here today. I feel there aren't enough words to express my gratitude so hopefully this will help. My boyfriend is my carer, he not only cares for my mental health, which has been hard enoug...
Okay, so I’m about to bare my soul here and I apologise in advance.
I’ve started a gofundme account to raise money for my to help my boyfriend/care, for specialised medical care and to hire a part time carer.
I don’t like posting such intimate things on the internet, but I feel like I don’t have a choice anymore.
I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety (both GAD and social), OCD, an eating disorder, insomnia and I suffer from horrific nightmares (when I do sleep). I’m also a self harmer. About seven months ago I started getting much more physically unwell. I couldn’t get out of bed, I didn’t have any energy or concentration, I had constant muscle aches, I constantly needed to lay down because even sitting up was too exhausting. I couldn’t go about my day, couldn’t clean, wash or get dressed. Even getting a drink was difficult. I went to my GP, mental health team, psychiatrists etc and no one took it seriously, blaming it on my depression etc. Eventually someone mentioned I could be suffering from Chronic fatigue syndrome. I looked up the symptoms, went on the CFS charity’s website and suddenly everything just fell into place, I thought I’d finally found the answer to what was wrong with me. I went to my GP and mental health team etc again. My GP wouldn’t refer me to a specialised unit because he didn’t want to step on the toes of my mental health team, my mental health team and other doctors kept fobbing it off saying it was down to my medication or mental health problems (even though I’ve been on the same meds and had the same mental health problems for years). Months went by and I kept pushing (by this point I hadn’t gone to uni in months, hadn’t left the house in months (apart from to go to apps)), eventually they said it might be chronic fatigue but that I would have to come off all my meds for a few months if I wanted a diagnosis, but in the same breathe told me it was impossible for me to come off my meds and that the consequences for my mental (and physical) health would be far too severe. Leaving me in a catch 22 situation. I begged for a referral to a specialist centre just so, if anything, they could assess me properly. My mental health team didn’t see the point and told me that I should just focus on ‘getting better’. My GP wouldn’t either, he said it was psychological so my mental health team would have to deal with it. All the while I am spending every single fucking day in bed, feeling like death, trying to summon up the energy to move, feeling like a failure, a burden, not a real human being, hating myself because I all I’ve wanted to do is better myself and things just seem to keep getting worse. My mental health has deteriorated significantly over these past 7 months, I’ve ended up in hospital on a regular basis needing stitches (which I had tried so very hard to put behind me). One time I ended up with 60 stitches and two policemen guarding me in case they needed to section me. I was told that one day I would accidentally kill myself (and I’ve come very close). I stopped caring. I thought everyone (especially my boyfriend) would be better off without me. I fight with those feelings every day. But my boyfriend has literally been my saviour. Without him, I wouldn’t be alive today. He has cared for me throughout our entire relationship. He’s held me when I’ve woken up screaming and crying, he’s stayed up with me if I feel bad or can’t sleep, he’s sat in hospital for days on end, going to work then coming back and sleeping in a chair, he’s held my hand while I get my wounds stitched up (even though he can’t deal with blood), he’s done everything to try and cheer me up. If he can’t cheer me up he won’t leave my side. If I cut myself he’s not angry. He tells me it’s not me, it’s my mental health and I am not defined by my mental health. In our entire relationship he has never once raised his voice at me. He has given me unconditional love (that I still don’t feel I deserve), stability and support, which I have never had before. Not only that but he’s spent his entire life savings (£10,000) since moving in, a mixture of the government fucking us over and taking away my benefits because we have a ‘shared’ income (the only one I could appeal was my DLA which took months and months and caused me so much stress and upset, but which I eventually got back even though it’s minimal), British Gas fucking us over, our rent steadily rising, him having to pay for everything because I don’t have any money, having to pay for taxis to go to and from therapy/doctors if he’s at work. Worst of all, even though he works his regular job, leaving at 7 and coming back at 6, and then spending the rest of the night and weekends caring for me, he’s not allowed to claim carers allowance as he earns a bit more than the £102 a week. He’s also not allowed to claim tax credit or have me as a dependent due to further stupid benefit rules. The fact that he has dedicated the past few years doing everything to help me, giving up his social life, his life’s earnings and has had to deal with so much stress makes me feel awful. Even more so since my physical problems have got worse. He has to do all the tidying, he has to make sure I eat something, help me get out of bed, wash my hair etc. He’s also been looking for better paid work and going to interviews, but with no luck. I’m trying to raise money so I can try and pay him back his savings, ease our/his finical worries (which he is always fretting about and he doesn’t need that on top of everything else he deals with), getting the proper care for me and possibly a part time carer, so he can have some time to himself, so he can see his friends more, or leave me for more than a day. I come from a very dysfunctional family (that’s putting it nicely) and I have a toxic relationship with my mother. My boyfriend is the only one that’s been there for me and that I can rely on. I want him to be able to relax, to be happy, to not be constantly worrying about me or money. On Monday he had his car MOT’d which has cost him another £850 and we have literally run out of money. There’s some more information on the page.
It would mean so much to me if anyone out there could spread the word, share the link and signal boost this. I feel awful for asking and I feel even more awful about asking for money, but I don’t know what else to do. I can see him getting more and more stressed as the days go by. I just want him to know how much I appreciate him and how much everything he’s done means to me. Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate it.
Everyone here at the gang gets a blog would really appreciate it if you could help/reblog/signalboost this!