Accutane and the Holy Grail
After a circumstantial cocktail of life stress and hormonal changes, my whole face broke out right after college ended. Like a welcome into the real world, which John Mayer says doesnât exist but Paramore says does exist, and I would side somewhere in between the two.
And every day, the zits would be the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw at night, living in my parents house on LI and fervently job applying. I became addicted, in the moments between cover letters, to reading Reddit beauty forums. I thought that with enough research and crowdsourcing, I would eventually find the Holy Grail (HG in Reddit-speak) foundation to cover all of the sins happening on my face, or the HG cleanser/toner/mask/treatment to clear it all up. I lurked for months on the subreddits before dipping my toe in, commenting my woes and enabling other product junkies. I got hundreds of samples, acquired hundreds of dollars of bottles and jars, and applied every corrosive acid to my face that exists (in the name of giving myself a âpeelâ). And two years later, with a handful of prescription acne creams and birth control options under my belt, a Real World Job/move to the city, and a shame-tinged VIB Rouge account at Sephora, I realized that there was no such HG. In fact, my skin was worse.
There was no breakthrough moment, just an acceptance that I would have to finally pull out the big(gest) guns: Isotretinoin. AKA Accutane, but different brand names after a small fiasco in the 70s that I wonât get into because this will become a piece about hypochondria. As soon as I realized that I was going to go forth, I hopped onto the /r/Accutane subreddit, and found a group of ragtag acne-havers, mostly teenage boys who were in the throes of the drug and needed advice about moisturizers having never used it before. I laughed. And I commented before even having gotten my first scrip (âDonât be afraid of oils! Jojoba is cheap, available at many grocery stores, and noncomedogenic! Hang in there!â).
Then, a few weeks into my 8-month course, I experienced the dreaded and hyped IB (Initial Breakout), which everyone commiserated about together. No makeup at all would stick to my skin, instead rising to the top of the topography map that was my face. I had to go to a work conference in DC, and had a panic attack in the bathroom of the Omni Shoreham hotel as I frantically rehydrated a beautyblender and tried to pat my EstĂ©e Lauder Doublewear foundation further into my face so it didnât resemble cracking cement.Â
There was never a more crucial time to find my HGs, though what was my HG now would most definitely not be my HG once my course was done. But for now, in the gross awful purging stages of the drug, I needed an HG body cream, HG sunscreen for running outside, HG sunscreen for layering with foundation, HG foundations in varying coverage levels, HG powders that didnât dry me out, HG setting sprays, etc etc etc. Cover up the madness. Sometimes, like a diamond in the rough, I would find a post on /r/Accutane from a women around my age who wanted to know peopleâs beauty routines while on âthe tane.â Commenters all swore by different things, with an underlying theme of âwhatever you do, keep your skin hydrated.â I would hang onto every word, and fill Amazon carts with 8 different lip balms. And with so many amazing photo testimonies people would post, I knew this: one day in the next year, I would no longer need makeup at all. Makeup would be fun, not a chore. Makeup would be a choice.
The only real HG was the Accutane itself. Because, after the first month, before I could even choose between hydrating, medium coverage formulas (Nars Sheer Glow? Tarte Amazonian Clay?), the acne disappeared. All that was left was scarring, which was a hell of a lot easier to cover if I so chose, but also, not a big deal. For the first time in many years, I was not on a hunt for a product â I was focused on maintenance. I used a swipe of micellar water in the morning and some comfortably-rich Josie Maran SPF, which felt like a blanket of protection. Then, a small glug of cleansing oil at night followed by my beloved jojoba oil topped with Aquaphor. And to work, nothing but waterproof mascara (Full N Soft or Spider Lash depending on where I felt on the spectrum of natural to Twiggy.) Though my hip bones ached, my energy was lower, my eyes were always red, and my lips would physically peel off without hourly Aquaphor application, my mantra kept me sane. Take care of yourself, be nice to your skin. And, in the months that followed, thatâs exactly what I did â and what I continue to do now that Iâm freshly finished. Take care of yourself. And only buy shit that will truly aid in the process.
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