ghost

[theghosters]

m-my lord, m-may I?

No.

combusts in release.

[theghosters]

just watched episode 8 of criminal minds latest season and I CANNOT BELIEVE they ended the episode with the fan strangling laura with a song playing in the background saying "take my breath away".

CRIMINAL MINDS

great episode tho i'd say a close favorite, just for the cinematography for this episode's serial killer is so yummy and delicious <3

[theghosters]

does anybody got an ibuprofen? i have a head

[theghosters]

14.06.26

I am a silver girl, and my mother is a gold girl.

I am a silver girl, and my mother is a gold girl. I like her taste, she has good taste. It looks good on her, she shines bright. But I am not my mother, and my skin does not shine when I wear gold, and my mother doesn’t want to understand that. She gets so happy when I wear gold, like some part of me finally looks like me her. But I am not a gold girl, and my mother is not a silver girl, yet her wedding ring is silver, and my cameo necklace is gold. I wear it everyday, I sleep with it. I have spent a long time wearing silver, yet as I grew older, my mother seemed more fixated. I wore gold for a while, my act of caving in, but it hadn’t made me happy, or beautiful. Silver does that.

She says gold makes a girl a woman, and every time, all I hear is "you’re still a girl", "you are not woman enough for me", and it made me sad, because of all things, I wanted to be woman enough for her, even when the world treated me like an innocent little girl. But I guess for my mother, to look like a good enough woman, I would need to not look like my father.

Mom, if you dislike my father so much, why do you still tell me to call him?

[theghosters]

11.06.26

Diary prompt : write about a summer memory from your childhood that you still remember.

I was 5. My parents, my cousin and his mom, and I went on a south tour. Camping style. We had 2 cars, then we would camp in wild beaches. It was a nice time. This memory is still fresh in my head. I had a loose tooth, and it was in the middle of the day. My mom, sitting on a folding chair, lured me with a can of oil tuna, and I sat on her lap, and at first I didn't know what she did (she pulled the tooth out), but then I realized, and I got a bit mad, she laughed. Looking back, I seem to have realized I would give control (not necessarily negative but not positive) to my mother. I am trying to be my own person now. Last week I shaved my arms without asking her.

[theghosters]

14.06.26

"The chase to avoid being an npc is what makes an npc."

"The chase to please people about your appearance is what makes npcs."

I think, as I get older, as my body gets older, I realize more and more how the opinions of friends, and parents, especially mothers, when it comes to my appearance, has made me more sad that I gave up trying to express myself, for a time. I think my mother has started to understand this, slowly but surely, and although it hasn't made her happy, she needs to understand I am not the teenager who used to like what she wore, how she did her makeup, and what colors she liked. back then, I had no role model, and my mother was the only person I could turn to.

But because I looked too much like my dad, dressed like him, liked the same music as him, she disliked my appearance more and more, so I tried to change.

But I can't hide myself anymore. I love you mom, please love me for who i actually am.

[theghosters]

IM BACK

i just finished my internship and THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER I GET TO FINISH 25 PAGES OF MY THESIS IN LESS THAN 10 HOURS!!!

[theghosters]

"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting."

- E. E. Cummings

It is hard being myself, sometimes.

[theghosters]

You don’t post a lot anymore :(

this internship is killing me.

what a morning to find this in my inbox. anon??

[theghosters]

a small confession

there's a comfort in watching people without them noticing. it's an intimate act. i see how their faces move, how they use their hands when talking, how they smile and how some of them scrunch up their noses. i am inside them, without them knowing someone is. because for a second, i can be someone else without changing. and that brings me comfort. because i often don't like myself. and the often is turning into a usually.

[theghosters]

a list of things that has helped me cope with this internship and the hell that is granny's house :

-the casio and tissot watches -the neutrogena concentrated hand cream -my lip balm -my fan -the "travel" journal i bought with an aesthetic cover that i filled with a poem, my thesis work, and the projects i did at work -the stanza (the ballet flats i named) -my laptop -the monster cans i bought at half price -the ushuaia japanese tea and rice deodorent (my love) -my favorite off brand vanilla body spray -the pantaloons i bought -the blanket i sleep with that my granny bought for my cousin in hot pink (mine is where i live, in the color brown) -the marble bench i sit on to wait for the company bus every morning -the rare dinner i buy myself from the restaurant near me -the memory of the japanese restaurant back where i live -the morning breeze when i leave and take a moment to thank god for the wind, the trees, the birds chirping, and the beautiful sky at 6 : 50 AM -the two hours i get to listen to music and daydream in the work bus (back and forth) -the cheap water icecream i buy sometimes -murakami's norwegian wood -tumblr -my cameo necklace i wear everyday -the poem i wrote this morning -the only sticker left on my laptop after i removed everything for the internship, which has a cicada and a line that says "cicada, sick of his own face, sick of his skin, of the dark, he crawls outside himself, to sing-" -the perfum i will get to choose to take home with me at the end of this internship -the nickname my supervisor gave me (sweet lady) : either samantha or jaqueline (in a french accent please, we all speak french)

[theghosters]

Also oooo introduce me to the ghosties.

my ghosts come and go as they please, sometimes i dont even get to know their name, but all is good. my good friend ghost n°4 is raphael, who i insist isnt really a ghost but who am i to judge (bonus fact he sits on my desk in a painting, he likes it quite a bit). lily is such a sweetheart but is very shy with people she doesnt know, and loves tending to her garden (imaginary or otherwise). hubert is the very opposite of lily and is often the grumpy old man who doesnt really want to teach you how to woodwork but gets frustrated when you dont know how to do it, so he helps you anyway. i dont know when he died, he doesnt really talk about anything other than woodworking, but he is a welcoming presence, to me at least. there are other ghosts i have talked to here and there, but most dont really talk about themselves, as is their right. but that's it for now!

[theghosters]

Holy shit you post alot.

for a long time, even though i was pretty into scrolling on tumblr i never really posted anything, not like i didn't have anything to say, but more like i was afraid of public perception. but as i grew older (im 22 now) i found that posting my thoughts, experiences, questions etc... did more good for me than just scrolling and liking posts. but i keep forgetting posting this much so i post again only to find i've somehow amassed about 33 posts. i've learned through posting and commenting (even if it might feel like a natural or trivial thing) to get myself out there professionally, personally, or otherwise. thanks for the ask!

[theghosters]

I adapted to too many people and too many places that I lost who I am.

[theghosters]

I dont even think my mom likes me as a person.

[theghosters]

JAYWALKING???? WHAT EVEN IS THAT??

I sometimes forget that jaywalking is illegal in america (or that it exists) (jaywalking not the country) (it's confusing i know), like it's so silly and funny i can't take it seriously. but you gotta understand where im coming from, my country does not have a law against jaywalking, and a few years ago like 3 to 4 yo the gov tried to issue a law that said if a pedestrian crossed the street away from the crosswalk they were fined 25 bucks (not gonna say the currency so y'all can guess where this is), but we the people found it so ridiculously funny and silly that we didn't take it seriously AT ALL. and the thing is the amount of money you were fined changed depending on how far you were from the crosswalk. so if you were like 5 metres away you "payed" like 15 bucks. and the closer you were the less you paied lmaoooo. so soon videos spread of elderly people who for the most couldnt see all that well so they kept getting fined lmaooo. and it's not like a system where they got it mailed no no cops where stopping them and telling them in public they had to pay like 10 bucks (and for you muricans it's like if a cop stopped you and said you have to pay a dollar for jaywalking lmaoo) so these lovely citizens would laugh in their faces and it was just the best thing ever to happen. i dont know if the law changed or something but i know that cops dont give a fuck now and you can jaywalk IN FRONT OF A COP AND THEY WILL NOT SAY A FUCKING THING.

[theghosters]

I just realised that every main character we've had in bridgerton (the tv adaptation, did not read the books yet), be it the bridgerton siblings (daphne, anthony, colin, francesca and benedict being the ones that are married) simon, kate, penelope or sophie, all of them have a dead father. Like everyone of them. The bridgerton siblings' dad dies of a bee sting, simon's dad dies just before he appears in season 1, penelope's dies in season 1, kate's is dead way before, same as sophie. I only noticed it now in the middle of dozing of from watching drawing asmr that we do not see a father figure (penelope's dad doesnt count cs he's not a good father imo) except in flashbacks like anthony or sophie. Huh.