shared with a friend in mind
So this summer I had the awesome privilege to be part of Mutya Ng Pilipinas, which is a national pageant here in the Philippines. Probably hundreds of girls will go through the screening process and of course some get in and well some don’t. Being an overseas contestant though I didn’t have to go through the screening process here. So after a 2 hour ferry ride to Vancouver, a 14 hour flight to Manila, and less than 24 hours of rest, I entered a white room and waited for it all to start. Over the next 24 hours I would be given “the look”, and no i’m not talking like oh hot damn, i’m talking like “oooh… you’re part of the pageant… cool…” kind of look, I would be told heedless numbers of times that “there’s still time” “you need to exercise more” “you need to watch your food” “you need to lose more” etc etc… Why? Because I was the fat girl.
That first night at the hotel I called my mom to check in and tell her I was alright and with the group, and I completely broke down. All I could think was “what in God’s name am I doing here”
Let me explain something though, there are two sides to me. There is Gina #1, confident in herself, never let no one bring her down, always looking at the bright side, comfortable in her own skin, Gina. Then there’s Gina #2. While, yes I don’t let other people bring me down and yeah I can turn your rude comment about my physical looks around, I can’t do that to my own thoughts about how I look. I can look in the mirror one day and see a beautiful person in her own right and then the next see someone who just, well.. isn’t. I remember one day before leaving, my mom was watching old clips from the pageant the year before and reading out loud their measurements. She kept calling me over and saying look Gina, look, you have to make your figure like that. I pretty much just got frustrated and yelled “ i’m sorry God made them look malnourished” and just stormed out of the house to go for my walk.
I always believed in being comfortable in the skin that you’re in, at the moment you’re in, because you know what, our bodies keep changing. Your hair, no matter how much you cut it, will still grow back, along with your nails. And yeah, your nose, it keeps growing too! Maybe not at a noticeable rate, but it does. same with our weight. It will fluctuate constantly in life.
That night I lay in my hotel bed, wishing so hard I hadn’t come, that I could go back. But I knew that I couldn’t. Besides the fact that my plane ticket was worth pretty much half a semester, I couldn’t go back because then i’d be running away. And I had something to prove. Maybe not necessarily to other people, but to myself. That I could go home a better me.
Now listen, this isn’t a Disney movie. I don’t get the guy in the end, I don’t win, and I don’t end up looking like Nicole Scherzinger. I watched what I ate soo closely that I pretty much only ate soup, chicken, and fruits/veggies until after the swimwear competition in Cebu. I even drank a slimming coffee to help boost start my weight loss. Then after I started loosing weight, I started exercising pretty much any idle moment I could both A. have enough space to and B. remember to workout.
After a few days away from the pageant, coming back everyone could see that there was definitively a difference. But with the weight loss, rumors (of course) started being whispered around like “she isn’t eating” “there are drugs in the coffee” - (even after I had stopped drinking it) and well the list probably goes on. For one thing, it wasn’t just the coffee or the dedicated diet (which by the way was not nearly as dedicated after the talent competition thank you very much, I definitely ate a few big macs here and there) there are a bunch of other factors to consider as well. Like the fact that i’m Diabetic and when diabetics are under constant stress it affects their blood sugars, in my case to often have high blood sugars. Blood sugars remaining high can cause Diabetic Ketoacidosis, and one side affect of that is loosing weight (derpaderpaderp). Also the fact that we pretty much never got sleep because of constantly having to move from one place to another… well you get the picture.
But even with the weight loss, it didn’t stop people from leaving terrible comments on swimwear or other photos of me online. Although the people around me were surprised and happy for me that I lost, and yeah maybe I wasn’t the butt of every joke anymore, I was constantly seeing these comments.
Now look there’s a lot more to my story than just this summer but I want you guys to know, i’m a hell of a lot stronger than I look, and I will never give anyone else the permission to put me down. I may never be the size of anyone on the cover of voque or swimsuit illustrated, but you know what i’ll live, no one’s going to die if i’m not 100 pounds and look like a no.2 pencil.
I guess my point is, is that I want to see and hear more girls being proud of what they look like, and striving not to become like what society and the media thinks we should look like, but striving to improve themselves and becoming a better, healthier them. I am in no way bashing the pageant world, on the contrary, I have a lot to thank the whole pageant world for; 1. Helping me prove that I don’t just talk the talk but I walk it to and 2. Becoming a better me.
True beauty is something small and pure, that starts in the core of a person and overflows. It is not something that can be produced, or sometimes even seen, but something felt.
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