What I’m listening to: Between The Minds - Jack Savoretti
I don’t even know where to begin with how I’ve been lately. In some respects I’ve been better, and in others, I’ve been worse.
I think as a whole I’ve been feeling a lot less anxious? That’s probably because I’ve been working out & running damn near everyday. I’ve kind of thrown myself into exercise the last 1.5 months, which is nice because a few people have told me I’ve lost weight. So yay for results. And I think I’ve been improving with calming myself down with breathing exercises and meditation. Writing and drawing those dumb comic things have been good for me because I’ve been able to distract myself and express myself simultaneously. I would describe my sleeping patterns as more ‘normal’ for a little bit. I’ve been having some triggers lately, so I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I should get back to having a ‘bed time’ because that was v beneficial.
Group therapy has been mostly helpful. I think it’s been refreshing to have my feelings validated. I’m not comfortable feeling vulnerable because I think the word implies/demands discomfort. But I am feeling more comfortable expressing thoughts and emotions. I never cry in front of people and it’s like a weekly thing now. Well, almost daily, but weekly in terms of therapy. Sometimes I’m scared to talk about how I’m actually feeling for fear it might be taken as suicidal. Like, I feel like I’m in a safe place, but I also feel like I have to censor myself. I can’t just say “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory.” I think about death a lot, but not in a “take action” kind of way. I just want the ‘peace’ I associate with death. I would never ever actually DO anything or harm myself. I just feel dead, empty, helpless. I feel like I’m stagnant, in a labyrinth of nothingness. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I think I’m depressed and I don’t know how to get out of this funk. But I desperately want to. I’ve been more active and social lately, even though I don’t want to be. It’s like if I can distract myself with a facade, maybe I can trick my mind into thinking I’m happier than I actually am.
Grad school has been mixed as well. I’m stressed with my thesis, which is normal. It’s like I’m walking up a staircase - I feel like I’m making progress, but then I realize how much more I have to do. Am I ever going to reach the top? I don’t know. I mean, I know I will. I’m just kind of exhausted with that (and in general). I’ve also been applying for jobs all over the country. It’s kind of scary-exciting. Everything with that is just kind of up in the air right now. I think that’s also kind of stressing me out because I’m a planner. I’ve always had a plan. Now, I don’t. But maybe that’s a good thing. I’m trying to be optimistic but that’s not really me, ha.
I’ve made a couple of new friends recently. It’s been nice. Also, it’s been extra great because the only people I’ve been hanging out with is my cohort. While, they’re all awesome, I need some interaction with people I don’t have to see, if that makes sense. I wish L. was closer. She’s my soul sister.
I think about C. daily. Holy fuck, I never knew you could miss one person so much. I find myself wanting to text him all the time. But I can’t. That’s not fair to him. He’s the kind of guy that deserves the best of the best and I wish I could give it to him. C. is the ideal guy for any woman. But not ‘ideal’ in a concept kind of way. He’ll treat you like a fucking queen. But the thing is, no one is worthy of him. I wish I could adequately express how wonderful he truly is. Unfortunately, I’m not satisfied with any combination of words I’ve put together to describe him. He’s just amazing and I love him. Speaking of, I watched this movie TiMER recently. I don’t know why, but I’m pretty sure it made me have an existential crisis. The plot is that you can have a timer to countdown to when you meet your ‘perfect’ match. Would you get one? Would you want to know? What if you don’t meet them until your 60? What if they don’t have one and your countdown never begins? It just made me think a lot. I wish my mind wasn’t such a mess right now. God damn I miss him in every single way.
I think I'm in too deep tonight. I’m just going to watch a movie and go to bed. I need some rest.
