The Half-World

serious criticism of great literature

[thehalfworld]

Big news!

I’ll just cut to the chase: The Half-World is moving again. The recent kerfuffle over Tumblr’s decision to ban NSFW content and the mass exodus from this site that’s been happening since is part of it (though this blog doesn’t post NSFW images and would of course be unaffected by the ban, Tumblr’s looking more and more like it might go belly-up), but I probably would have done this anyway at some point. In any case...

We’re now on Squarespace! Check it.

At present, the Squarespace version doesn’t yet have all the content from this iteration of the site, but soon it will. In the meantime, it already has all of the Fifty Shades of Grey review. 

Once everything from this version of the site is moved over to the Squarespace version, I’ll be setting this one to redirect to that one. Until that time comes, nothing will change here, and you’ll still be able to view everything I’ve already posted.

I’ve also set up a Ko-fi page, where I’ll post updates related to the site. Squarespace hosting isn’t free, and, while I’d like to say the $16 monthly fee is easy for me to cover myself, I’d be lying if I did. (I’m broke, it sucks, etc.) If you’d like to help keep the site up and running, that’d be wonderful.

Stay tuned, because I’ve got something planned for New Years that I think you’ll be very excited about. I won’t give it away, but it’s something a lot of you have been asking for.

Have a good end of 2018, everybody!

[thehalfworld]

Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey [part 7]

I don’t have an excuse as to why this took me so long and I won’t bother trying to come up with one. Let’s just get back to it.

This chapter deals with more explicit discussion of BDSM than previous chapters have. I doubt you’re reading this review if you aren’t up for that kind of thing, though.

Recap: Christian dropped Ana back at her apartment, and Kate helped her prepare for her date that evening. Christian then picked Ana up and flew her in his helicopter to his place in Seattle. After dinner and drinks, he asked Ana to sign an NDA (which she did without reading it first) and then showed her to his playroom.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter Seven

Ana takes a look around Grey’s playroom. There’s a lot of description which I’ll try to summarize in brief: It’s a big room, dark burgundy walls, varnished wood floors. Some sort of ambient lighting. Various kinky shit — large wooden cross with restraining cuffs fastened to the wall, iron grid with various ropes, chains, and shackles hanging from it on the ceiling, a very large assortment of paddles, whips, riding crops, etc, a whole rack full of canes — how many canes do you need? I’m no expert, but I was sort of under the impression that a cane is a cane is a cane, at least when it comes to whacking people on the rear with it.

The entire room seems a bit… showy, and I’m sure Christian is the sort of guy to be all about presentation, but I’m not sure how practical any of this is. What with everything on display, it seems like the room is there more to be looked at than to actually be used. Makes you wonder how long it’s been since Christian had a submissive, and if the room’s actually seen any use or not.

There’s also a very large bed in the room, with a red leather mattress, which is just downright disgusting. You really wanna fuck on that thing? Christian better have some wicked powerful air conditioning.

Ana feels as though the room is “Christian’s version of soft and romantic” due to all the moody lighting and dark, warm colors. I’m not sure how to react to this. First of all, I don’t think “soft and romantic” has been a part of Christian’s sex life. Sounds like he’s mainly just had women who sub for him on weekends, or something like that; no actual romances. Second, I think the author is trying to make us feel better about the situation by having Ana think the playroom is “romantic” when, really, it’s a playroom. A positive reaction to this room would be Ana getting excited by all the various things in the room and what they might be used for. Instead, she’s ignoring that part and trying to romanticize it. I… yeah, this isn’t giving me a good feeling.

Ana walks around the room a little more, observing various things, running her hands over them. She’s shocked and not sure what to say. She’s starting to feel freaked out, and, in her own words, afraid, though not of Christian — more of the BDSM stuff itself, I guess.

Honey, if you don’t want to do this, tell him and get out.

Christian asks her to say something — no, he “commands” her to say something, actually. She asks him if he’s the dominant or submissive partner (does she really gotta ask?) and who he does this stuff with. The way she phrases it is much more awkward than I just made it sound. Christian answers that he’s the dominant one and that he does this with consenting female partners.

Ana has a thought:

I wander to the far corner of the room and pat the waist high padded bench and run my fingers over the leather. He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me.

Ana, if this is your reaction, then leave. This obviously isn’t your kink, and, as much of a shithead as he is, I doubt Grey is enough of a shithead to force you into this if you said no to him. You just gotta stand up for yourself for once in the book and tell him you’re sorry, but you’re not interested in having this kind of sex.

I’m sure the author’s intention is to make Ana not totally down with Grey’s kinks, but she’s made Ana so not-even-a-little-bit down with his kinks (like, she doesn’t seem the slightest bit excited by any of this) that it’s really not okay that they’re going to have sex anyway a few pages from now.

Ana asks Christian what being a Dominant means. He explains that he wants her to willingly surrender herself to him. She asks why, and he replies, “To please me.” Sure, that’s valid, except you’re not exactly selling her on it if you’re not telling her “and also because you’d enjoy it too, hopefully, if that sounds like your idea of a good time.”

Ana’s response to being told Christian wants her to please him is “yes I would like to do that,” but… that’s a pretty normal human reaction, that doesn’t mean she’s submissive.

Christian explains how he’d like this to work: He has rules he’d like her to follow, and if she does follow his rules she’ll be rewarded. If she doesn’t, she’ll be punished. We’re taking the “be as vague as possible” route, I see. Ana, exceeding my expectations, asks what she’s going to get out of this. Christian, living up to my expectations, simply tells her “Me.”

I’ll just copy+paste the next bit, because… well, because:

He’s dangerous to my health, because I know I’m going to say yes. And part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me wants to run screaming from this room and all it represents. I am so out of my depth here.

Okay, if you want to run screaming you should either a) do that or b) say something to the effect of “Wow, this is kind of overwhelming, could we take things a lot slower? I don’t have any experience with this kind of thing.” It’s normal to be a little overwhelmed your first time trying something. It’s not normal to be so overwhelmed that you want to run for the hills; that means you probably shouldn’t be trying that thing.

This next quote almost made me laugh:

“I’m not going to hurt you, Anastasia.” His gray eyes implore, and I know he speaks the truth.

Except that he basically just admitted to getting off on hurting others. I know BDSM practices don’t necessarily have to be painful, but it looks like this guy’s brand of BDSM is. Why else would he have twenty different canes or whatever?

Of course, that’s pain in a very specific context, and pain that the sub would (hopefully) enjoy receiving. But Ana doesn’t know that. If I were as clueless as her and a guy who had just shown me his room full of canes and whips told me that he wanted to use them on me, then added that he wasn’t going to hurt me, I would be very suspicious. (And if I were actually a masochist, I think I would be equally suspicious of that statement, for different reasons.)

Christian leads Ana out of his playroom and into another room; a sparsely furnished bedroom with a glass wall looking out over the city. He tells her that if she were to agree to be his sub, this would be her room when she stayed with him (weekends).

Hold up a sec. They haven’t even discussed the sexual part of this arrangement — which is kind of the main part — and they’ve already moved on to sleeping arrangements?

In addition, it sounds like this is a long-term relationship we’re talking about. Reminder: this is Christian and Ana’s second date. They haven’t had sex yet. Christian doesn’t even know yet that Ana’s a virgin, and he hasn’t even told her much about what he likes in the bedroom other than that he likes to be in control. Christian’s made it clear that he doesn’t want a romantic relationship, which means that the first thing he should do is see if he and Ana are compatible as sexual partners. That’s just common sense.

Then, if it’s going to work long-term, they really need to make sure they can just plain tolerate each other for long periods of time. Even if their non-sexual interactions don’t go beyond that of roommates, it’s still important that they don’t drive each other crazy.

For a guy who supposedly has some experience with this, Christian seems to be going about this entirely wrong.

Ana asks about she and Christian not sleeping together. He explains that he doesn’t sleep with anyone. I get the feeling that this is going to be important, mostly because this book possesses all the subtlety of a bullet to the skull.

Christian leads Ana back downstairs for some food. As he arranges a tray with all the bougie snack foods — grapes, cheeses, a baguette — he explains that he and Ana need to agree on a contract. He’s kind of vague about what this contract actually entails, but I take it that it’s a set of guidelines for how their scenes will go — limits, etc. — as well as what Christian expects of his subs in general both in the playroom and outside of it. (I’m 99.99% sure that he’s angling for a 24/7 D/s relationship, meaning his control over her extends outside of the bedroom.)

Ana asks him what happens if she says no. He says it’s fine if she does, but that they can’t have any other type of relationship. She asks why. He answers:

“This is the only sort of relationship I’m interesting in.”

I think you mean interested in, though interesting in is perhaps more accurate.

Ana asks him how he became this way — her phrasing, not mine. He dodges the question by saying that it’s difficult to answer that. Now, in real life, if you ask someone with unconventional sexual interests why they’re into whatever it is they’re into, they probably only have a vague idea of what the answer might be, since naturally many different factors could be in play. However, I did read this entire book and part of the next one and as such I’m well aware that specific events in Christian’s life gave him a taste for BDSM. We’ll get to that in time.

Ana refuses to eat but has another glass of wine. What a fucking brilliant strategy; getting drunk because she’s uncomfortable with a situation. Especially after it was recently established that Ana doesn’t handle alcohol well, and after Christian reprimanded her for drinking on an empty stomach, why is he even offering her wine right now?

I hate this book.

Ana asks Christian how many subs he’s had previously (fifteen), if he’s been in long-term relationships with any of them (yes, some of them), if he’s ever hurt a sub (yes), badly (no), and if he’ll hurt her. The last question is a little harder for Christian to answer; he tells her that if she breaks the rules he lays out for her, he’ll punish her, and that the punishment will be painful. He does not tell her that this pain is for her enjoyment as much as his. I don’t know if that’s an oversight on his part or if he just doesn’t give a fuck what his subs are feeling as long as they don’t tell him no, but I’m starting to get uncomfortable with how he hasn’t once made it clear to her that a relationship like this is supposed to be enjoyable for both partners. The sub is supposed to like being submissive. May seem obvious, yes, but not to someone like Ana, who clearly knows little to nothing about BDSM.

Feeling faint, Ana takes another sip of wine. Book, no.

Ana asks if Christian’s ever been beaten. He tells her yes, but changes the subject before she can ask a follow-up question.

Christian takes Ana to his study and hands her a sheet of paper. The paper contains a list of rules, all of which are in the book because… I don’t know, it looks like we’re just padding the length here.

Brief summary of the rules: The sub (I’ll use Ana’s name for convenience) is supposed to obey any instruction she receives from Christian, and to agree to any sexual activity he’d like unless that activity is a hard limit for her. Ana is supposed to get at least seven hours of sleep a night on days she isn’t with Christian. There’s a list of foods (thankfully not detailed here) that she’s allowed to eat from — I assume healthy foods, because it’s also mentioned that she’s only allowed fruit as snacks. When Ana is with Christian, she’s only allowed to wear clothes he approves; he’ll provide a clothing budget for her and go clothes shopping with her. Ana will meet with a personal trainer four times a week for hour-long exercise sessions. Ana is expected to keep herself shaved/waxed (it’s not specified where; I’m going to assume legs and armpits, maybe crotch as well), and to visit a beauty salon of Christian’s choosing when Christian decides she needs to. Ana is not allowed to drink to excess, or to smoke, or to take recreational drugs, or to put herself in unnecessary danger. She’s not allowed to have any other sexual partners, is supposed to behave modestly and politely, and should remember that her behavior is a reflection on Christian. Failure to comply with any of the rules will result in punishment, the nature of which will be determined by Christian.

Okay, before we get to Ana’s reaction to this, how about my reaction? You guys like me more than her anyway, right?

Without getting into what it means for a man to tell a woman he’s going to control her body, her behavior, and her life to this extent (BDSM discourse is a can of worms I’d like to avoid as much as possible in this review), this is not a good way to establish ground rules. Christian handed her this list of rules and told her that if she wants to be his sub, this is what she has to do. Does she get to negotiate on any of this? What if there’s something not in this contract at all that she’d like added, or something she wants removed entirely? This book doesn’t seem to recognize that, regardless of the agreed-upon dynamics in a D/s relationship, both partners are supposed to be equals. Christian obviously is a bit older, considerably more experienced, and vastly more wealthy, but a healthy D/s relationship is playacting at power imbalances, not actually depriving the submissive of power. 

If the two of them sat down together and came up with this list of rules, that’d be one thing. But Christian handed a list of rules to Ana and told her “this is what I expect of my subs,” and didn’t even indicate he’s open to negotiation.

Ana tries to negotiate anyway. First she takes issue with the “accepting money for clothes” bit, because it would make her feel like a “ho.” Really? We’re gonna go there? Christian says that he’d like to spend money on her, and that she probably can’t afford the kind of clothes he’d like her to wear. He also clarifies that she can wear what she wants when she isn’t with him, at which point she agrees to the rule.

Then she tries to get her exercise sessions bumped down to three a week. Christian argues with her about it but eventually gives in. (If you’re wondering, the rule is there because Christian apparently needs his subs to be in decent shape — I guess some of the kinky stuff he likes to do requires stamina and/or flexibility.)

They don’t go over the rules too exhaustively, though, because after the argument over exercise (Christian doesn’t get angry with Ana during the negotiations — thank god. I was half expecting him to, though) Christian changes the subject to hard limits. He hands Ana another piece of paper detailing his own hard limits. It’s a pretty short list and I’m not sure why he felt the need to write them down, but regardless: no fire play, nothing that could cause bleeding (such as knives or needles), nothing involving bodily waste, no gynecological instruments, nothing that will leave permanent marks on the skin, no pedophilia (really thought that one could go without saying), and no bestiality (ditto). Also no breath control, because he’s a wuss.

Christian asks Ana if she’d like to add anything to the list. Naturally, she has no clue, and is speechless for a minute while she thinks it over. He prompts her again by asking if there was anything she didn’t like doing when she had sex in the past, at which point she finally admits to being a virgin. Christian, angry, asks Ana “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” End chapter.

Holy Cow! Alert: Not this time, but there’s one “Holy crap!”, one “Holy shit!”, and one “Holy fuck!” It’s the Holy Trinity!

And Now, A Word From Ana’s Subconscious Alert: Only one, shockingly.

[After Ana sees Christian’s playroom] My subconscious has emigrated or been struck dumb or simply keeled over and expired.

Padding Alert: This chapter is eight pages long. One and a half pages are devoted to Christian’s list of rules and his list of hard limits.

Thoughts So Far:

I’m not sure what there is to say that hasn’t been covered already. Christian needs to tell Ana exactly what he’d like to do with her, and, if she’s okay with it, they need to do a few scenes before she agrees to anything. Ana needs to be more assertive and to tell Christian what she wants and doesn’t want, and, if she’s really so freaked out by his kinks that she wants to run, she needs to just give up on him and get out of there. Basically, these two need to start communicating with each other.

On the positive side, the prose in this chapter isn’t nearly so bad as in previous chapters (hence why I didn’t bother doing a “Great Prose Alert” this time around — nothing jumped out at me as outstandingly bad, other than the typo I already pointed out), and both Ana’s “subconscious” and “inner goddess” are being remarkably quiet.

Next chapter: sex. (Probably.)

[thehalfworld]

Any chance we’ll get any of the other Zimfic reviews back on here? I remember there were two or three that were fairly long and all starred pretty insufferable OCs, namely that one with the girl who had a dead sister and was in love with Zim and the other one where the girl was in love with Dib.

I’m gonna be honest, my memory of a lot of those fics is pretty much gone by now, but I have everything I did for the old blog saved on my hard drive and I’ll be going through all of it. If there’s anything worth keeping in there, I’ll repost it.

[thehalfworld]

“Love Knows No Race” MST available as a PDF

You know the drill, hopefully. I’m planning on doing this for all my MSTs going forward, as I’ve previously gotten a good number of requests to download my stuff. Here it is on Gumroad; as always, it’s free, although there is an option to donate if anyone’s in a generous mood.

[thehalfworld]

You planning on re-uploading your “My Immortal” MST? Yours was one of the best tacklings of that infamous train wreck. Hope you’re well

Absolutely! It’s in the works; I want to go through it and edit my comments since I did that MST a while ago, but it’ll be up before too long!

[thehalfworld]

Hey! I’m the anon who made a bunch of terrible combustible lemon jokes in your inbox in August of 2014. (it’s still in the archive if you don’t remember) i was in the seventh grade at the time and also a complete bastard so i just wanted to apologize for making you read that. have a lovely day

I don’t remember that at all, but I definitely relate to having been a complete bastard in the seventh grade.

[thehalfworld]

Here's a little blast from the past! Cereal is to dumb to be smarter.

You know, I barely remember the fanfic that line was from, but I’ve never forgotten that line. Glad I’m not alone.

[thehalfworld]

“Forbiden Fruit” MST is now available as a PDF

Several years ago, a reader of this blog put together an ebook version of many of the MSTs I’ve done here. While I was never in charge of that project, the fact that people still occasionally ask me about it makes me think you guys might actually like to be able to easily download the stuff I post on this blog. 

With that in mind, I’ve created a PDF version of my Forbiden Fruit MST, which you can download for free (or pay-what-you-want; while I’m not going to put content behind paywalls, I’m also not going to say no if anyone wants to tip me) on Gumroad.

I’ll be doing this for other content on this blog, too. Stay tuned.

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 14]

Happy 2018! Though I guess it’s a bit too early to tell, and, as I was just saying on my primary blog, time is fake anyhow. I’d really like to get done with this fic soon so we can move onto new things in the new year, but we’ve still got a few chapters left (three more, actually, after this one).

No warnings except violence.

Recap: Wheatley used the zombie potatoes to revive Marissa. Don’t think about this too hard, or at all. Meanwhile in the past (don’t think about that either) the evil TF2 dudes decided they needed to make an evil clone of Marissa in order to defeat Marissa, so they did. Her name’s Assiram Strebor because of course.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN WHAT IS EVER ONE SAYIN A BOUT WANKER AN WANK? I THOT THEY WERE BRITISH INSULT WORDS AN NOW PEPOLE ARE SAYIN THERE NOTTY STUFF? OMG!

Aww. Someone broke the news to her, I guess.

Technically, “wanker” is an insult, but “to wank” means to masturbate, “wanking” means masturbating, and so on… so basically Wheatley has been spending the entire fic talking about jacking off, including threatening to jack other characters off.

(While we’re at it, “sod” is short for “sodomite” and is thus used as a reference to gay and/or anal sex… so there’s that, too.)

PS THIS CHAP IS IN TH EPAST SO ITS THIRD PERSONAL.

Sure.

ITS MY LIFE! CHAPTER FORTEEN: HOW CAROLINE BECAMED GLADOS: THE FIRST EVIL OF ASSIRRAM

Well, I can tell you that story without the Assiram part. Turns out if you non-consensually brain upload someone into a massive supercomputer, she might be angry about it and try to kill everyone involved. And she might succeed. And she might find out she has a taste for killing, or maybe she already knew she did because she had a high-ranking position at a company known for extremely ethically dubious human experimentation. And then it turns out someone programmed her new supercomputer form to have a euphoric response to putting humans through potentially deadly product testing. And… well, you know.

But since this story has nothing at all to do with canon, nothing I just said is relevant in the slightest and god knows what will happen in this chapter.

"I am Assirram Strebor an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!" The evil clone said to Teen Fortress 2 who happied. "Wate! How can we be shure that shes evil enouf to really kill her?" The evil Solder questoned.

You’re not gonna take the lady at face value? She just told you she’s gonna kill Marissa and she doesn’t even know who Marissa is yet. I’d believe her.

"We will do a test to make sure shes reel evil." The evil Ingineer answered becos he was the boss of there plan. "Assirram you must do an evil thing to proove yur abilities."

Damn, that’s vague. What does she have to do? Kick a puppy?

He ordered an Assirram nodded with a "im gonna kill some body" look on her feces.

Maybe the “Teen Fortress 2” guys should have specified that she shouldn’t kill them.

"Okay f****** b**** ill g******** kill some b******!" Assirram said (she seys a lot of cusses becos shes really evil) an did a evil LOL.

It’s true. I swear like a sailor, and, also like a sailor, I am quite evil.

Assirram gotted out of the evil Ingineers hose an started lookin for a victum when she seed Gabe Jonsons house. "I herd he changed his name to CAVE JONSON affer are leader his ded brother so Ill do evil to hiim!" She thot with evil thots.

She’s evil and a thot? Damn, what a relatable character.

Insid Gabe Jonson an his frend Ratman was buildin a robot body for Caroline an it was almost done.

There are so many things wrong with this that I don’t know where to begin. Moving on.

"Compleet! Now we jus have to turn in on." Ratman siensed so CAVE flipped das switch an the robot mashine started movin an look round.

I hope everyone present is good at holding their breath.

"Gabe is that you?" Caroline asked? "Yes Carlion I have builted a rbot body for you it is called GLaDOS also I changed my name to CAVE in onor of my head brother."

“You know, the one who shot you?”

Ratman started to leaf becos this was a privat family moment. As we walked to the door he seed a girl outsid that was hot an pretty but kinna mean lookin.

So he decided to remove his testicles and replace them with personality cores.

"Ah this must be Caves future dotter Marrissa Roberts!" Ratman said out lowd an let her in but it wasnt Marrissa it was... ASSIRRAM!

…can I point out here that Rattman is a mostly unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic? Emphasis on paranoid? And that dude actually has quite good instincts? No way in hell he’d trust Assiram like that.

Assirram walked thru the halls an got to the GLaDOS robot an Cabe Jonson hoo were makin out.

Sounds a bit one-sided, honestly, since only one of them has a mouth.

"I hope Im not interruptin any thing lol" Assirram lolled so Gave an Caroloin an Cave stopped kissin an looked an saw Assirram.

Based on the phrasing, looks like we’ve got a threesome going on all of a sudden.

"Marrissa are dotter you returned for a visit!" They both exclamation with happy. "Yep an I see you made Caroline a new robot bod." Assirram smied becos her plan was workin an they didant notice that she wasnt Marrissa.

Well, I mean, isn’t she identical to Marissa? I don’t know why either of them would suspect her, since she actually seems to be trying to act like Marissa. Whom she hasn’t met, but whatever.

"Ill leaf you to alone for some mother dotter bondin time ok?" An Gabe went to go talk to Ratman.

I’m sure this will go well.

Caroline was soooo happy that Marrissa was back she thot when Assirram started smilin all evil like a bad clown or the Joker an then... SHE PUT A COMPUTER VIRUS IN CARALINE!

Wait, how? Was she carrying around a thumb drive or something?

"No!" GLaDOS screemed as the virus started to turns her evil. "Why wold you do this Marrissa?/!" Gabe Jonson yelled from the windo. She lolled meanly an said "I am not Marrissa I AM ASSRAM!"

You know, I’m not crazy about the name Marissa, but anything beats “Assram.”

An then Caraline turned full evil into GLaDOS.

That was fast. 

"NOW I AM EVIL AN I WILL KILL YOU WITH THE NEROTOKSIN!"

Not sure Assiram thought this one through all the way.

Befour the cold do any thing Assirram went gone back to the evil Ingineers house.

Oh, never mind, I guess she’s fine.

Gabe screemed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" An he screemed it really lowd.

Just in case you couldn’t tell from the caps lock.

The evil Teen Fortes 2 was watchin the hole thing on there tv camra (but it was black an wite becos its the past so they coldnt see the nerotoksin becos it was green an not black or white so it didant show up).

Their camera can only pick up black or white objects? Wow, I’m sure they’re seeing lots on that thing.

Assirram came in from the door an all were cheerin at her. "You are reelly evil Assirram the plan will work!" The evil Ingineer congradulationed. "Indeed im so evil that Im gonna betray you!" An she pulled out a mashine gun an started to shoot up the evil Teen Fortress 2 becos she was just THAT MEEN!

I dunno why they didn’t see that one coming, honestly. I was going to make a joke about them being stupid teenagers, but then I remembered that I called this twist back in the original version of this MST which was written when I myself was a stupid teenager, so I’m not sure that’s fair.

Then Assirram seed the nettle that gived you powers lick Marrisssas so she injekted it into arm an alls went glowy an electric. "Now I have POWERS so I can kill Marrissa an her dumb robot ball boyfrend to an maybe take over the hole world!" She lolled with the most evil ever.

Hey, how do these powers work? I thought Assiram would already have powers given that she’s Marissa’s clone, but maybe this stuff doesn’t actually alter your DNA and I was just assuming it does because the injectable powers reminded me of BioShock. Come to think of it, how do you ensure a clone will be evil? Is that just automatically what happens when you clone somebody, like a particle vs. antiparticle thing? Is there an evil gene?

But then she realized... how wold she get to the future with the evil Teen Fortress 2 died?

She’s an evil clone, not a clever clone, I see.

"Ill just make the good Teen Fortress force me to make a time mashine an maybe kill them after words." She thot smartly but it was a evil smartly like a mad sientist.

Or maybe she’s both. I don’t know. Girl will fit right in at Aperture Science regardless.

Assirram used the fly power to fly to school were Gave Jonson an Ratman were givin Teen Tortes 2 the down lo. "An then the evil clone putted a comuter virus in GLaDOS an she turnsed evil!" Gabe was cryin wile Ratman gaved him tishyous.

I have no idea what author intention was for the “GLaDOS is evil because of an evil computer virus” plot point, but it’s kind of hilarious as a parody of bad Portal fandom headcanons. I see way too much sweet innocent Caroline vs. totally irredeemably evil GLaDOS in fanworks, and it’s honestly pretty silly. Yes, the upload process was undoubtably traumatic, and having that amount of power coupled with an uncontrollable desire to conduct unethical product testing is a really bad mix, but you cannot convince me that Caroline was any sort of angel. Come on. She worked for Aperture fucking Science.

But, again, this is “ITS MY LIFE!” so canon can go fuck itself for the time being.

Assirram flewed out to them at Portal High School an used her powers to makea glowy gun like in Green Latern (that movie was dum but he had cool powers I think Marrissa will have them to).

That movie was dumb, I agree, but I think this fanfic tops it.

"Built me a time mashine or Ill kill you all!" Assirram ponted the gun at Cave Jonsons head an coked the trigger. "OK OK WELL DO IT DONT SHOT!" The Ingineer screemed an they worked fast to build the time mashine.

Why’d she threaten Cave instead of threatening the Engineer directly? Weird detail.

…also, all of the Team Fortress 2 guys being overpowered by a single person is kind of funny, even if she does have superpowers.

Assirram got itn an prepared to go to the future. "Marrissa will stop you you cant win!" Cave Jonson said but Assirram just lolled an turned on the time mashine an flash bang boom she was gone to the future. "Marrissa has to powerful enouf to stop her shes the worlds only hope!" Ratman said with brave an they all nodded.

Rattman should do some inspirational graffiti if he believes in her that much.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Hooray! Can’t wait for... whatever the fuck happens at the end of this story, I honestly forget.

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 13]

For something that makes absolutely no sense and conveys nothing of substance, this fic does go on for quite a while. I honestly don’t even remember how many chapters are left, but we’re at least a few more from the end.

There’s a bit of gore in this one.

Recap: Marissa tried to take down the Chell/GLaDOS fusion, accompanied by Wheatley, who was predictably useless, and Rattman, who was also pretty useless (and also died, but whether or not that’s permanent remains to be seen). It was revealed that Chell is actually Rattman’s daughter due to some sort of DNA mix-up. The co-op bots showed up to ostensibly help Marissa, but, after she defeated the Chell/GLaDOS fusion (killing Chell in the process), the bots turned on her and shot her in the head. 

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN OMG I GOT 102 REVIEWS EVEN IF THERE MOSTLY DUM FLAMERZ THATS STILL PRETTY GOOOD FOR A FIRS STORY!

Man, I love her optimism. Raging at your “flamers” is common for badfic writers, so seeing an author be positive about all the reviews she’s getting, even though they’re almost entirely negative, is kind of refreshing.

Unfortunately, MarissaTheWriter dropped this attitude later on, but let’s cherish it while it lasts.

ALSO THANK RAI AN APE SOME THING BECOS THEY GAVED ME SOME REALY COOL IDEAS FOR THE NEW CHAPTERS!

I don’t know who these two are. I’m guessing people who reviewed her story.

PS MARRISSA DIED THAT PROOVES SHES NOT A MARRY SUE OK!

Well, no, actually, dying is really common for Mary Sue characters. In fact, the original Mary Sue, the character from whom we got the term Mary Sue, died at the end of the fanfiction she starred in. It’s a good way to make your OC look tragic.

PPS THIS HCAPTER IS FROM WHEATLY POV

Oh geez. Oh no. I don’t know how much more weird British slang I can take.

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER THIRTEN: MARRISSAS RESSUREKSHUN

Yeah, that’s the other thing. Having a character return from the dead has the effect of making them look super special and important, and overdoing that is how we get Mary Sues, so…

This was the most bloody terribel thing ever.

I agree.

Oh, you mean Marissa’s death, not the fanfic itself. I take it back.

Marrisser was died with a gun shoot to her soddin head an blood an branes were all over ever were.

Gross! Thanks for the mental image!

I gared at Atlas an P-Body hoo killed the one thing I loafed an shouted "YOU BLOODY BUGGERS IM GONNA WANK YOU!"

That’s going to be difficult. He has no arms and they have no genitals. It’s Aperture Science, though, so I’m sure he can find a way.

But I didnt have arms so i cold not hurt them but I sooooooo mad they ranned off any way.

Yeah, nothing scarier than Wheatley threatening to “wank” you.

Bloody sods. "Marrissa why didnt I was able to safe you! IM SOOOOO SORRY!" An I cried bloody bukets of robottears.

Not sure how that would work, but I don’t need it elaborated on.

It was the end an I thot a bout commitin sewiside like GLaDOS did when a turrent came up to me.

"GO HEAD AN BLOW ME SODDING BLOODY BRANES OUT SO I CAN BE AT PIECE!" I yelled loud at the turrent. "No im diffrent! I am Oracle Turrent an I no how to make Marrissa alife!"

Wow, okay, that’s a character I wasn’t expecting to make an appearance. The turrets can’t walk, though (except the frankenturrets Wheatley created, but the oracle turret wasn’t one of those), so I’m not sure how this one managed to approach him.

No bloody way I o-mouthed in all the shock. "How can she life wen her hed sodding exploded?" I britished at him for tryin a get my hopes up.

“Stop making up pointless new words!” I Irish-Americaned at the author.

"Rember that she has the speshal powers, one of them is that wen she eats the zombee taters instead of become a zombee wen she dies she just becomes alife a gain!" It all made sense, the turrent was a bloody geinus!

Well, they can’t very well feed her potatoes when she’s a headless corpse, so swing and a miss.

"Common lets wankin go!"

Does anyone know what MarissaTheWriter thinks “wanking” means?

The Oracle Turrent ranned fast an I rolled on my rale right to the zombee taters quikly we grabbed up all of them an got back to Marrissa body.

How are they grabbing things when neither of them have arms?

I coldnt help but cry at the site of my troo love with head all open an messy.

Yeah, sounds pretty gross.

"Its ok Wheatly soon she will life!" The turrent made me more happy an we started stuffin the buggerin taters in Marrissas mouth.

So she’ll come back to life, promptly choke on potatoes, and die again. Excellent plan.

Then she started coffin an all the blood was got healed.

I hope “coffin” was a pun. On second thought, no I don’t.

"W Wheetly?" She asked in the most butiful voice in the hole portal worled.

Marissa, give GLaDOS her vocal processor back right now and no one gets hurt.

"Oh Marrissa I thot you were bloody gone for wankin ever!" We hugged an kissed an things was gettin hot an heavy so the Oracle Turrent left becos he didant want to see that kinna stuff.

I don’t either. I’m going with the turret.

MEANWHILE IN THE PAST

…thinking about whether or not that phrase makes sense is hurting my head. Moving on.

Teen Fortress 2 was MAD an PEEVED at Gabe Jonson an his dotter Marrissa Roberts for killin there leader Cave Jonson.

Hey, hang on a second. Whose point of view are we from now?

They wanted ervange speshally on Marrissa sinse with out her Gabe wold not have been a hard fight.

I’m going to assume for now that we’re just in third person.

"We shold right a mean things on her facebook page!" The evil Heavy dummed. "No you idot this is the past facebook isnt invented yet!" The evil Medik extricated.

Interesting how they know about Facebook although it’s not been invented yet.

All of em was angry but coldnt thing of a way to revenge Marrissa when the evil Ingineer got a idea. "I no! We will create an evil clone of Marrissa an send it to the futur an kill her!" It was a good plan.

Evil clones are always a good plan!

After school the teen fortress all gotted together at evil Ingineers hose an builded the clone mashine.

Ah, yes, the clone machine.

How are they going to clone her? She left. She’s in the future. Doing something I’d rather not think about with Wheatley.

"But we dont have dna evidance?" Evil Sniper said in sexay british aksent.

I doubt that, seeing as he’s Australian.

But the evil spy lolled an pulled out some thing. "I stolled some of her hare just in case we needed it for some thing."

Outside of making evil clones, is there really much use for hair samples?

He frenched an gave evil Ingine the hare an they started to clone Marrissa.

You cannot use “he frenched” like that. You just can’t.

A few mins later the clonin was done an a gurl stepped out hoo looked kinna like Marrissa but more evil an mean with angry face.

So she looks like Chell, but meaner and hotter. Alright. I’m into it.

"I am Assiram Strebor an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!"

Nice backwards name. Oh, sorry. Ecin sdrawkcab eman.

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO! CAN MARRISSA STOPS HER EVIL CLOWN?

I recommend getting a group of kids to fight it in a sewer somewhere in Maine.

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ITS MY LIFE|!

She’s right! Tune in next time for some evil clone and/or evil clown fighting action!

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

The final chapter of Forbiden Fruit is here! Hope you all enjoyed my little dramatic reading. I’d love to keep doing more of these!

[thehalfworld]

I read chapters 4, 5, 6, and 7 of Forbiden Fruit! You can definitely hear my voice is getting deeper over the course of these last 4 recordings (chapter 4 was about a week ago, chapters 6 and 7 were tonight; testosterone does its work fast!).

[thehalfworld]

THW finally has a new blog icon!

[thehalfworld]

Next chapter of Forbiden Fruit is up for you guys to listen to!

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 12]

Oh yes, friends, it’s back! It’s been entirely too long (two years too long, to be exact) and I hope you’re all ready for some more vaguely Portal-flavored nonsense. 

No real warnings for this chapter, just typical MarissaTheWriter ridiculousness. And canon character death, maybe, depending on whether or not you take the events of this chapter at face value (and, if I remember this story correctly, you probably shouldn’t).

Recap: Chell and GLaDOS have fused into one entity, P-body is pregnant, and Marissa for some reason decided that Rattman is the only one who can prevent disaster even though dude is strictly a non-action guy. She located him and now the two of them are planning on taking down the Chell/GLaDOS fusion.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN YOU GUYSARE ALL SO WEIRD! YOU WERE GIVIN ME GOOD REVIEWS THEN YOU SAY IM A TROLL AN THAT YUR GONNA KILL ME AN PUT SALT IN MY THINGS? 

That is pretty weird, yeah. 

(I’m not even sure what she’s referencing. Maybe a play on “assault”?)

IF IT WERENT FOR THE PEPOLE HOO REALLY LICK MY STORY LIKE THE BUZINESS GUY AN SEPHRAL AN CAT NOT BOUNCY ID STOP IT RITE NOW!

I dunno who Sephral is, but “the buziness guy” is user ASBusinessMagnet (later a recurring character in MarissaTheWriter’s stories; I’m pretty sure we got married at one point), and “Cat Not Bouncy” is Tumblr user catbountry, who was going by “Not Cat Bountry” on Fanfiction dot net and who did a dramatic reading.

PS - I NO THAT GLADOS IS SPELLED GLADOS I CALLED HER FUSION CHELLGADOS BECOS CHELL ALREADY HAS THE LS AN IT SOUNDED MORE COOLER!

See, I told you she’d explain that. All makes sense now, right? Perfectly logical writing decision.

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER TWELF: THE FINAL BATTLE

Bit of a misnomer, since this is not, in fact, the final chapter.

(Actually, if I remember correctly, MarissaTheWriter may have been writing by the seat of her pants; it’s possible she initially intended this as the True and Honest Final Battle.)

Ratman an I were goin thru the air ducks to get to CHELLGADOSs layer were the final show down wold be. 

Oh my god, she means her lair, not her layer. That literally took me years to figure out. Holy fuck.

Wheatly was growlin an tryin to be scarry becos he didant have weapons so he was lick are cheer leader. 

Considering what happens when Wheatley actually tries to be the bad guy, I think this is preferable.

We intered the layer an saw CHELLGADOS buildin turrents but these ones was speshal becos they cold walk a round an shoot an stuff! 

Hey, I played Portal 2, I saw the turret assembly line. It’s pretty much autonomous. She doesn’t have to build them herself, and honestly I think she’d find it beneath her.

But maybe things have changed since I left the building.

"INTURDER!" One of the turrents called to CHELLGADOS. CHELLGADOS looked at me with all the angry she ever had.

That’s a phenomenal amount of anger. Surprised Marissa didn’t combust on the spot.

"Marrissa Roberts you have interfeared with my plans for the last time becos now I will kill you." 

All right! Time for some murder!

Then she seed Ratman an got more angry. "RATMAN IS A LIFE? NOW YOU WILL BOTH DYE!" 

I doubt she cares about killing Rattman, considering that she didn’t do so before and that he poses basically no threat on his own. Like I said… non-action guy.

CHELLGADOS taked out her portal gun wich was modified to shoot bullets lick a reel gun but cold shoot portals to just in case. 

Okay, but does it really shoot bullets? I ask because the turrets use spring-loaded action in order to fire the entire bullet, which is obviously a hell of a lot less effective despite delivering more bullet per bullet. Explains why Chell can take so many hits without dying.

Point being, there’s no evidence Aperture Science knows how guns are supposed to work.

She fired the portal gun an it hit Ratman with a boom an I thot he was dead for sure.

But Ratman gotted up! 

What? Is he still alive?

"Silly CHELLGADOS you cannt hurt me becos..." He pulled down his pants an I saw that he had replased his man thingys with... the space an rick cores! 

…I know we’re leading up to a “balls of steel” joke, and I shan’t comment on that, but this raises so many goddamn questions. How do you replace your testicles with personality cores? A personality core is a hell of a lot bigger, and heavier, than a human testicle. Also, Space Core is in space, so how did Rattman get ahold of him? Did he shrink the cores somehow? How did this make him immune to bullets? How did he fit two personality cores in his pants? Why did he need to flash everybody?

My brain is hurting over this and I know it’s only in the story because the author wanted to make a stupid pun. Moving the hell on.

"IVE GOT BALLS OF STEEL!" (Thats from a game called Duke Nukum Forever its funny) The space core was still thing he was in space but Rick was mad at been one off Ratmans tentacles. 

One of his tentacles? Are we in a hentai now?

"Well then ill just portal you into space like Wheatly an see how you like it you wont!" CHELLGADOS shooted a nother portal unner Ratmans feet an he was sucked into s space. "No dont you are my dotter Chell!" Ratman yelled as he got sucked in.

Uh… what? How? I thought Marissa and Chell were both Cave and Caroline’s kids in this story. Wasn’t that established several chapters ago?

"OMG HOW?" CHELLGADOS an me said at the same time to gether. "It all storted a long time ago..." Ratman gave us the down lo as he was just barely hanging on to the portal. "I used to work for Gabe Jonson affer he changed his name to Cave in onor of his dead brother. Caroline was got shot as you no Marrissa an was put in a robot body that was called... GLaDOS!" 

Right, we know. How is he hanging on to the portal? Can you do that? I don’t think you can do that.

CHELLGADOS o-mouthed at his shockin words. 

Did she forget she spent the beginning of this story being a goth emo over the revelation that she used to be human? Like… this isn’t news anymore.

"Gabe new he wold have to dotters named Marrissa an Chell but since GLaDOS was a prototip she an Cave coldnt make baby normal way an instead used the artificial enseamanation an grew test toob babys. 

Hey, what the fuck is the “normal way” to have sex with a giant robot? Seriously, please inbox me if you know. It’s for a friend. I swear.

But there was a miksup an my dna got used instead of Gabes for one of the toobs that toob was... CHELL!" Then Rutman coldnt hold on any longer an fell into space an died.

Why did Aperture Science have a sperm sample from Rattman on file? How did they get DNA from Caroline, since her physical human body no longer exists? How does Rattman know about the mixup? Who carried the baby to term? How did two white people birth a woman of color? How did two white people birth a woman of color? I don’t know if I brought this up earlier in the MST, but I am directing that question at every “Chell is Cave and Caroline’s daughter” theorist too. You’re not off the fucking hook.

Then CHELLGADOS started shackin an looked funny. Chell was fightin back a gainst GLaDOSs control! "Marrissa there is not much time left you must kill me to stopped GLaDOS once and four all!" 

Okay, but we know what happens when Marissa kills Chell — thanks to having consumed the “zombie taters,” Chell will just turn into a zombie. You don’t want the most tenacious woman in the world after your brains, but especially not when she’s fused with the most massive collection of wisdom to ever exist, who also hates you.

I o-mouthed becos Chells brane damage was cured so now I coldnt put her out of MISERY lol. 

That’s actually not the concern I expected Marissa to have. She has no problem killing disabled people, but being fused with a homicidal AI who is using your body as her puppet is A-OK, even when the victim is begging for death?

Man, this girl could use some new priorities.

"But I cannt kill you Chell yur my sister there must be a nother way! Chell got sad "Hurry GLaDOS is takin control!" An she started lollin with evil. There was no way I cold kill Chell an then I rembered that GLaDOS used to be Carlion an that made me not want to kill herr neither.

Yeah, and remember how she used to be a well-written and complex character who cannot be reduced to a mere villain and who actually likes Chell so much she keeps writing songs about it?

Sorry, there I go talking about canon again.

"Bloody hell Marrissa shes powerin up!" Wheatly screemed from inside my jump soot an I looked up an saw CHELLGADOS was floatin in air an electric stuff was comin out off her. "THANKS MARRISSA YUO REMINDED ME THAT I USED TO BE CARALIN SO I REMBERED THAT I HAVE POWERS TOO!" 

Hey, uh, what the fuck? 

I o-mouthed, that dumb ingineer forgot to make it so only I gotted the powers! I didant no what to do now an it seemed hope less when a herd a sound. "Hey b**** were heer for backup!" It was... ATLAS AN P-BODY!

Who are they here to back up?

"OMG why are you jersk helpin me?" I asked while o-mouthin from the shock. "Becos CHELLGADOS is half yur sister an we dont lick you so we dont lick Chell neither!" Atlas eksplained. "An I rembered that you gave us the drugs an beer in the first place so if it wasnt for you we woldnt have drugs an beer!" P-Body added an Atlas nodded like yeah! 

I guess that’s reasonable. I, too, feel indebted to those who give me drugs and beer.

We started ti fire are portal guns at CHELLGADOS an the portals combined to make a big portal black hole.

Co-op mode would benefit from the inclusion of this feature, I think.

"OH SH**!" CHELLGADOS screamed as the GLaDOS parts were all sucked out off Chell. 

Should have attached them better, I guess.

Ones all of GLadOS was gone we closed the portal an Chell falled down on the ground. "Chell I safed you!" I rant to my sister an gave her hug. "Marrissa Im sorry, but the damaje from GLaDOS was to much..."

“…not to mention, having my butt sliced off after someone used their powers a little too recklessly…”

An she dyed in my arms. "Nooooo Chell my sister you are died!" I cried soooo much an Whealty cried to becos they was frends even Atlas an P-Body looked kinna sad.

Isn’t Chell gonna turn into a zombie now or are we not doing the zombie stuff anymore? Was that only because she was brain-damaged? This fic is confusing.

I put down Chells body an stand up when there was a clikclak nose be hind me.

Oh no! Not a clikclak nose!

"LOL we tricked you to get yur guard down Marrissa! Now die b****!" An Atlas an P-Body lolled an shot me in head.

I’ve probably mentioned it before, but I love that the author of this mess has no problem writing over-the-top violence but feels the need to censor the word “bitch.”

"Marrissa!" Wheatly screamed an ever thing got really black an I died.

Love the prose.

TO BE CONTINUED?

Yes, indeed, we’re not done with this fic yet!

OH NO MARRISSA IS DIED!

Oh, yes.

CAN WHEATLY SAFE HER?

Well, seeing as she’s dead, I think it may be a bit late for that.

FIND OUT IN THE NEXT ONE PS IM THINKIN OF MAYBE WRITIN A SPINNOFF A BOUT TEEN FORTRESS 2 AN GABE JONSON AN CARALION LIVIN IN PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL WHAT DO YOU GUYS THIN?

She actually did write that spinoff, by the way. I’ll put my MST of it up on this blog at some point.

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

We’re continuing with the dramatic reading of Forbiden Fruit! Chapter 2 is up now.

[thehalfworld]

Hey there. Author of "Surviving Middle School At Aperture Science" here. 6 years later, I spontaneously recalled your existence and decided to check in for nostalgia's sake. Glad to see you're still doing what you're doing with MSTs and whatnot. I hope all is well with you! (I can't tell if this blog is still active or not, but either way, I wish you all the best!)

Hey, I remember you! All is indeed well, and the blog is indeed active. Hope you’re well yourself!