People reduce Kol Mikaelson to “the crazy Mikaelson,” but psychologically, Kol is one of the most emotionally neglected characters in the entire The Vampire Diaries universe.
Underneath the violence, sarcasm, and recklessness is someone shaped by abandonment, emotional invalidation, and centuries of feeling unwanted within his own family.
Kol grows up in the shadow of stronger personalities. Klaus is the feared hybrid. Elijah is the noble protector. Rebekah is the beloved sister. Kol becomes the “problem child,” the unstable one, the sibling nobody takes seriously unless he is causing chaos. Over time, that role becomes part of his identity.
Psychologically, this creates identity fixation through family labeling. When someone is constantly treated as dangerous, immature, or disposable, they often begin performing that role even more aggressively. Kol leans into unpredictability because unpredictability is the only thing that gets him attention.
And attention matters to Kol more than he pretends.
One of his strongest traits is impulsivity. He acts suddenly, reacts emotionally, and constantly seeks stimulation. You can see this clearly in Season 4 of The Vampire Diaries, especially episode 4x12 “A View to a Kill,” where Kol becomes increasingly desperate trying to stop Silas from rising. Everyone dismisses him as irrational, but psychologically, his panic actually makes sense. Kol understands danger faster than the others because he is hyper-reactive to threats.
That hyper-vigilance likely stems from centuries of instability and betrayal within his own family.
Kol also shows signs of emotional dysregulation. His emotions escalate quickly, anger masks vulnerability, and his reactions become explosive whenever he feels ignored, trapped, or betrayed. Instead of expressing pain directly, he converts it into aggression or mockery. Humor becomes armor. Violence becomes control.
Despite how social he appears, Kol shows traits of fearful, avoidant attachment. He craves connection but distrusts it at the same time. This is why many of his relationships are intense, chaotic, or manipulative. He pushes people away before they can reject him first. When he feels emotionally cornered, he lashes out or emotionally withdraws altogether.
What makes Kol especially interesting is that beneath all of this, he is deeply intelligent and emotionally perceptive.
He understands magic better than most members of his family. He reads people quickly and notices emotional shifts others miss. But because he masks vulnerability with arrogance and cruelty, people constantly underestimate him. That repeated dismissal reinforces his resentment toward the Mikaelsons.
The family also contributes to his instability.
Kol is repeatedly daggered, silenced, ignored, or treated like a burden. Imagine the psychological effect of being literally immobilized by your siblings for decades whenever you become “too difficult” Over time, that creates rage toward authority, fear of powerlessness, and deep distrust toward intimacy and family bonds.
The family claims to love him, but their actions repeatedly communicate that he is only acceptable when controlled.
That contradiction damages him.
One of the clearest examples of Kol’s psychology appears later in The Originals when he falls in love with Davina Claire. Around her, his behavior changes noticeably. He becomes less performative, less cruel, and more emotionally open. He becomes genuinely protective instead of simply reactive.
Davina gives Kol something he rarely experiences: emotional validation without control.
Once he finally feels seen instead of managed, many of his destructive behaviors lessen. That is psychologically important because it shows Kol was never simply “evil.” Much of his instability was reactive, shaped by emotional neglect and learned defensiveness.
At his core, Kol Mikaelson is a character driven by contradiction. He wants freedom but fears abandonment. He craves love but distrusts vulnerability. He acts reckless but hates feeling powerless.
Psychologically, Kol can be understood as someone exhibiting emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, fearful avoidant attachment patterns, and defensive aggression shaped by centuries of neglect, invalidation, and unstable family dynamics.
He is not simply the chaotic brother.
He is the brother who nobody truly learned how to love without trying to control first.
There is this really weird rhetoric going around comparing Anthony, Benedict, and Colin and their relationship with sex. And while it stems out of ridiculous shipping wars, I do think it makes for a great conversation and some delicious media analysis. So, let’s talk about it. :)
But I need to preface this whole thing by saying I'm not out to 'prove' anything nor do I care about said shipping wars. While I do talk about Anthony and Benedict, this essay is mostly a deconstruction of Colin and how he's portrayed. I actually really like both Anthony and Benedict, and I find the fandom conversations around sex in this fandom... rather odd sometimes. But mostly, I just like talking about stories and I'm going to use my space to do that.
Regency Romance
I don't know fuck all about regency England. And neither does Bridgerton. Let's stop pretending to use 'historical accuracy' to define how we talk about the show. The show does not care about historical accuracy, and it's sometimes used as a crutch to add validity to pointless arguments.
The reality is that the regency era sucked in a lot of ways. Men were all the worst. Women had it sucky. And I don't know that it's fair or productive to place real world expectations and realities onto things that are clearly made out to be fantasies.
And fantasies are really what these historical romances are. Julia Quinn has a tendency to write one specific kind of historical romance -- the one where the a rakish (and rakishly good looking) guy decides to give up his playboy ways to marry his one true love. It's a trope that's used in a lot of modern day media as well -- and it's often based on this idea (or romantic fantasy) that a badboy can change his ways once he meets that one woman, who will domesticate him and get him to settle down because love.
Julia Quinn's Bridgerton novels -- and her male heroes -- are all portrayed like this. (I mean, Gregory might be a slight exception?) But yeah - even Colin, in the books, does sleep his way through Europe and only manages to chill out once he gets together Penelope. It is a standard trope, and Julia Quinn uses it, really, to death. (Honestly, the 8 Bridgerton books are the same formula with different trope dressings. Which is fine, but to argue otherwise seems silly.)
Anthony & Benedict
The thing I give the show credit for is taking the books, which kind of live in a two-dimensional character world, and fleshes the characters out so they aren't their cookie-cutter cardboard book counterparts. The thing about both Anthony and Benedict is that they are the standard reformed rake trope, but I think it would be disingenuous to not acknowledge that both characters are more well rounded in the show than just that.
Anthony's rakishness stems from his insecurities around intimacy and from an innate selfishness used as self protection. Anthony starts the show as a complete asshole to everyone, not just the women he's paying to sleep with. And we can see his attempt at intimacy - and failure at understanding what true connection is - through his relationship with Sienna. Of course, it's not until Kate comes along that he allows someone to actually see him for himself and thus true love comes along.
In the end, he does measure up to the trope and Kate is the one to reform him into Jonny Bailey the real Anthony. And, as an aside, on top of the reformed rake trope, Anthony also represents what is somewhat considered a standard alpha masculine role (as did Simon before him, btw). Real men hold their emotions in check. Real men hold their duty before love. Real men are strong and only show their soft parts with the women they care for.
Personally, this kind of stuff doesn't do it for me. I roll my eyes at the whole idea of what a 'real man' is (and challenge it). But there's no denying that it is something that is popular with a lot of people. And is often what is considered to be 'the norm' for these romance books.
Meanwhile, Benedict is another beast all together. Is he more rakish than Anthony? Absolutely. Because Anthony's rakishness about about fulfilling that pleasure need without dealing with any of the emotional ties. Benedict is more exploratory when it comes to the art of pleasure.
They really wanted Benedict to be the bohemian artist type, who explores his sexual identity through casual sex. I don't actually think there's anything wrong with that at all -- especially when it is all consensual, and I'd argue, less transactional than the way Anthony uses sex (pre-Kate).
But like Anthony, the narrative is framed that Benedict is going to give up the rakish behavior once he settles in to his relationship with Sophie, whose love will, idk, 'cure'? him of the rakishness.
Meanwhile, Show Colin's relationship with sex (and masculinity, really) is just different. And I need to take a moment and reaffirm that I don't feel that it's any better or worse than Anthony or Benedict. It is just that -- different. It's a different story being told. And people just gravitate and enjoy different things, so my comparison isn't about what is better but how it's used in the narrative. Anthony and Benedict have their own journeys as romantic heroes, and that's just it.
(I also should state that I think Anthony and Benedict deserve more fleshed out analysis, because I feel like I'm over simplifying in a lot of ways - but if I did that, this analysis would never end, and I know my audience is waiting patiently anyway, so....)
Sex Isn't a Bad Word
But, I do need to address something that I'm not hugely fond of when it comes to these historical romance tropes. I find it unfortunate, and both the books and show do this, that they have a tendency to equate sexual promiscuity with two things -- one that it's automatically misogynistic and two that sex outside a traditional marriage/love arena is bad. And in doing so, it is often reinforcing the antiquated idea that the only sex that's worth having is within a loving union - primarily a marriage. As well as upholding the idea that people should be as pure (virginal) as possible.
And I don't personally agree with that.
The weird thing I keep coming across is that there's this idea that sex for just sex's sake is a bad thing. Sex can be enjoyable on its own. And doesn't have to be tied to love or romance to be worth something, as long as it's between two consenting adults.
Is Anthony a misogynist? Yes - but because he's an asshole to women (and everyone really), not because he sleeps around. Is Benedict a misogynist? Eh - I lean towards not really. His issues stem more from being bound to the rules of his society and that he's kind of an idiot (said affectionately).
But I don't believe any character is better or worse based on how much sex they've had.
And, there's probably another entire essay here, so I'll move on... let's talk about Colin :)
Seasons 1 & 2
Show Colin doesn't play by the standard historical romance hero rules. (And, in fact, I'd argue that the Polin story is really historical fantasy more than historical romance but that's a whole other essay.) He is not the badboy rake, nor is he the brooding artist. Colin is different from his older brothers. Or, more so than the 'traditional' male leads such as Anthony and Simon. (Benedict is... kind of in a different category all together.)
He's softer and more sensitive. He's empathetic and isn't afraid to show his emotions. He's often caught up in ideas of romantic fantasy which are led more by his heart and less by his, well, dick. He's also younger and more idealistic at the beginning of the show. He isn't hardened the way Anthony is. Nor is he seeking out pleasure as a way to expand one's self the way Benedict is.
He clearly knows what sex is - (my god, that scene with Eloise talking about farms is still one of my favorites) but he also clearly hasn't had it yet either. It's not necessarily a drive for him, even if he's fond of a little flirting.
The relationship with Marina is kind of a fascinating one. Is it actual love? No. Is he attracted to her? Yes** - and then driven by his notion of what a good husband, father, man, etc is supposed to be. (As well as the situation fulfilling his hero complex issues.) He's influenced by internalized mythology of his parents' marriage and the teaching of Violet. And also highly values honor and respectability and feels like he should play within the rules of society to achieve the romantic fantasy that he desires.
But interestingly, even with her attempts at seducing him, it's romantic fantasy, and not sex drive, that wins out.
An interesting hypothetical, but if he had figured his feelings for Penelope at this stage in life, would he have risked societal decorum and messed around with her? You know what (controversial take time) - I honestly don't think so. I think he would have properly asked her to marry him but wouldn't have hesitated on moving the process along a bit.
I do think that having the future sexual experiences he has (which I'll get to in a bit) opens up a world where he feels more inclined on acting on those more sexual urges.
**And here's where I insert the whole Demisexual!Colin thing. Do I think Colin is Demi? Actually, I kinda do. But I don't think we can necessarily put labels fictional characters of different time periods. I also think Colin did have some attraction to Marina, but not as sexually driving in the way it is with Penelope.
I actually also think this romantic experience was integral to Colin's overall experience in growing up. And his reaction to heartbreak is kind of telling.
Colin travels between Seasons 1 and 2, and nursing a heartbreak, there are plenty of men who'd go on a sex romp through Europe post break up. But not Colin.
Colin is still very much in an equating sex with love mindset, and since he doesn't want anything to do with love right now, he really doesn't want to have anything to do with sex either. He spends his time in Greece searching for himself and a sense of purpose and neither of those, really, have to do with women, so it doesn't really come up. And in fact, he's kind of mystified by Penelope when she suggests that he met a woman. It couldn't be the furthest thing from his mind.
This still doesn't have to do with anything other than we're talking about Colin and sex, and this look is hot and this author is only human.
Anyway -- there really isn't anything directly related to sex in Season 2 Colin's story. But there are two really big components that are worth mentioning. 1. The fact that his relationship with Penelope has grown and taken a new form to where it's inherent how important she is to his life and 2. He's on a quest to figure out what to do with his life. And those two points are going to kinda crash into each other going into Season 3. And, yes, kind of a play a part in the whole sexual liberation of Colin Bridgerton.
So, let's talk about...
The Fake Rake Era
I think that this final scene in Season 2 is indicative of where the narrative is about to go. Colin, having found a win in exposing Jack Featherington, is receiving applause and acceptance from the Ton and it spurs on Colin's hero complex. It also kind of pushes him into this notion that in order to find said purpose, he needs to align more with what's considered the norm of society. (And apparently, part of that is being an asshat).
I've always taken his insensitive comment towards not courting Penelope as a way to fit in more than personal opinion. The Featheringtons are not cool. Penelope is not cool. And in that moment, Colin isn't thinking about how it'd hurt his bff - he's thinking that he wants to keep the newfound respect he's earned from the Ton. And the reception it receives encourages him to continue his attempt in blending in with society's wishes.
Besides, Penelope isn't there to hear it, so what's the harm? Except she does here it, and is so heartbroken about it, doesn't write him back all summer. And that silence -- actually changes things for him.
Colin's new personality at the beginning of Season 3 is as real as that wig. ;)
(omg, I crack up every time I see this gif... anyway.)
So. Did Colin fuck his way through Europe over the summer (or spring or whenever the hell this is supposed to take place?) Um... I'll bet he hit up a brothel in every city, just to try it out and had one (possibly) meaningful fling with a Contessa. And then he's just a whole lotta talk.
Let's dig in :D
Let's talk about the big European tour.
We don't get a whole lot of actual facts from the narrative and have to infer some things, so I'm kind of going with my own interpretations and headcanons here. (To which people are fine to disagree, there are like five hundred fanfic that will tell you a different story and they're all pretty valid.)
I think Colin finally having sex (and yes I think he lost his virginity on this tour and not earlier) is (initially) divorced from what was going on with Penelope. I think all his friends were hitting up brothels and he was finally like, what the fuck, might as well finally have the experience. That was the point of traveling, was it not?
And Colin learns something. Sex feels good. Even devoid of any romance or sentimentality, sex can feel good. So I don't begrudge anyone, especially someone young and learning about it, to indulge. Which is what I think Colin did. He was single, that's what brothels are for, and it helps him fit in to the society he's attempting to fit into.
(As an aside, it's interesting that Colin and Eloise both have a theme of attempting to conform to society baked into their season 3 plotlines.)
The thing, though, as he'll get into it during his convo with Cressida, is that while on these travels, he begins to feel lonely. He doesn't really connect with the other men of society. And with Penelope no longer writing to him, there's a huge hole in his life. He's missing her presence. He's also been burnt in the romance department. And so it's easier to give in and indulge in physical pleasures because there are no strings attached.
but I also think sleeping around, he's attempting to find that connection with someone. To fill that loneliness. To figure out what it is all these other dudes see in sleeping around and if he can adapt to it, maybe he'll find what he's looking for.
He also straight up states that it's an attempt to harden himself so that his own needs don't matter. The old, romantic Colin isn't gone. He's just older and slightly jaded and attempting something new in an attempt to feel something. Which is where the new look and the new personality come from.
[TUMBLR MADE ME TAKE OUT THE BROTHEL SCENE PHOTO -- STUPID TUMBLR]
Okay. So. Here's where some controversial opinions come in. A) I think the brothel scenes are relevant to Colin's story arc in Season 3. B) The first one is kinda hot. C) Colin is supposed to come off as kinda douchey because it's contrasting that it's not really his character. And D) There's nothing wrong in Colin enjoying sex for the sake of feeling good.
But also - I have to tie it back up with the idea of this traditional historical romance tropes. It's funny, in the book, Colin is a rake like his brothers. He's still, by far, the most charming one, but a rake he is. It is part of his personality. And he gets reformed like the rest of them do. But in the show, it's so clearly an act. Yeah. Clearly, he's enjoying his time in the brothel the first time around. But he's also become hardened at this point -- succumbing to the idea that maybe physical pleasure is really best divorced of love, romance, emotion, and connection.
And here's kind of where the comparison with his brothers come in. Benedict has a true rakish life style - he does enjoy sex for sex sake - and truly enjoys sex for the physical pleasure of it all. Sure, meeting Sophie will enhance his outlooks, but I don't think that changes the fact that Benedict uses sex as self exploration. Meanwhile, Anthony's rakish life style comes from shielding himself from actual intimacy.
The point is that for Anthony and Benedict, rakishness is part of who they are. For Colin, it's an act. A lot of people found the opening of Season 3, and Colin's attempts a being suave and charming somewhat cringeworthy. THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE! Because that's not him. In his heart, he is still that big hearted, sensitive, emotional kid. It's just going to take realizing he's love to knock some sense into him.
It's interesting, though, that Europe also gave Colin a chance to grow up, too, and he did learn things while he was away. The self confidence that kind of came with the false persona actually helps inspire Penelope to be herself. And in turn, she helps him back to being the person he's always been. Idk - It's just such a fascinating character arc to me.
Before I move onto the next part, there are a few other points I'd like to make. For one, with all the flirting he does with the women of the ton, he still has no desire to marry any of them. Nor is he going to have sex with them either. Sure, paying for sex is one thing - because it's a contract stating that there is no emotion involve. But he has no desire to actual pursue any of them.
Secondly, notice that the brothel scenes it's always two women? Because then it doesn't really have to be about him and one other person. Sex can be a fun group activity! But it's also a way of shielding himself from the hollow feeling of nothingness he gets when he has sex.
Emotional Sexual Awakening
While Penelope is very Little Mermaid coded throughout season 3, I'd call Colin Sleeping Beauty - because, god, honestly, all it takes is one kiss from true love to wake his ass up.
One kiss from Penelope and he not only figures out that he has been developing feelings for her this whole time, but it changes his views of sexual intimacy. Because, good god, nothing he's experienced before this moment feels like this.
And with one kiss, that sweet, dorky, old school romantic Colin is reborn. And he's never going to go away again. The Fake Rake era kinda ends right here with this kiss.
My god, what would have happened if she hadn't run away. Well, he is going to have plenty of sex dreams about it. ;)
There's a really important moment back when Penelope finds his journal and reads it. Colin is talking about his sexual encounters in Paris and basically states that despite the sexual intimacy he's found, he still doesn't have any connection to that person. On his travels, he's found that while, yeah, sex can be fun, it doesn't cure his loneliness, nor does it feel fulfilling.
It's kind of like - if you have chocolate cake all the time, sure it tastes great, but having an entire diet of it makes you sick after a while.
Once Penelope kisses him, there's no longer any allure in this kind of lifestyle. While the boys obscenely discuss their sexual conquests, Colin can no longer keep up the facade. Also, he finds their crassness annoying and appalling. (And, note, he again only talks about the Contessa - which still leaves me to believe that this is probably the only sexual encounter he had that wasn't at a brothel.)
And then there's that second brothel scene where he can't enjoy himself. It's all meaningless. And meaningless sex just is never going to do it for ole Colin.
Later, after he and Penelope start having sex, he's going to admit to her that all of that sex beforehand doesn't feel the same. Because it doesn't have emotion or love behind it. Colin's been searching for that connection. He's been wanting real romance and I think, honestly, that having all that prior experience has help contextualize his relationship with Penelope. Not that he wouldn't adore her without prior experience. But just that he can appreciate what he has more because he knows what it's like not to have it.
So, here's the thing. I actually do like that Colin's experienced as he gets into his relationship with Penelope.
For one - he's more willing to go after what he wants. He was truthful when he stated that he's decided to shed societal expectations. The boy no longer gives a fuck about honor and decorum -- especially when it comes to Penelope. (Though, hilariously, he never really did when it came to Penelope.)
But more so - his knowledge ends up being beneficial to Penelope's own sexual awakening. She isn't at all put off by his previous experience. When she reads his journal, she's enticed and curious about it -- and continues to ask him to read more and doesn't shy away from him talking about his experiences. She gets off on it both literally and figuratively.
It's also my headcanon that he must have paid attention or asked questions or something because he certainly learned how to pleasure a woman the right way, and uses those skills -- expertly -- in making Penelope feel good.
As an aside, this is also narratively the soft core porn for woman fantasy coming out, but I'm not going to complain. And I think, dear audience, that it's okay for you, too, to indulge every once in a while. :) I mean, why else are we really here if not to enjoy the romance and the sex??
Full Circle
At some point, I really would like to start up with my meta series and really dig into Colin's development during season 3. But I think my point of this run on essay is that I think Colin has such a fascinating arc when it comes to love, sex, and romance and I think that while there is a difference in how sexual encounters differ from Anthony or Benedict, they're still meaningful experiences, and make Colin's story arc richer.
As we come into Season 4 -- we see that Colin has taught Penelope all the things and they're both ridiculously horny all the time and, honestly, that's okay. They're in an incredibly healthy relationship. And I love LOVE that it's helped Penelope develop her own sexual identity and feel comfortable in her own skin thru having a healthy sex life.
And, you know, this is the ballroom and gowns soft core porn show. :)
But I'll also add that through all of this, Colin does end up back where he started. I do kind of love that he's just like -- wtf when Benedict's talking about mistresses. Colin has done the whole sex without strings thing and it wasn't him. It's just not his personality. He's just not that type of dude.
****
So yeah, that's what I got. Crazy, I made it through this whole post and only had one still from the Mirror Scene, so here's another one. :)
Which makes me think about how I was really more so focused on Colin's character arc and really didn't touch upon the angle of female pleasure in visual media but, you know, I suppose that's an essay for another day. :)
Baby, tell me lies
Whisper them on to my body, make me feel alive
Intertwining til I forget what's yours or mine
I can't see straight, I know we make one hell of a ride
Of a ride
Baby, tell me why
Doesn't lovin' you feel wrong?
Oh, it hurts until it don't
I can't stay away for long
I don't know how to get you off my mind
You make Hell our paradise
Lovin' you is suicide
And I do it every night
i’m crying that so accurate — he’s like a dog chasing cars he just wants to know why people are running and if he can join :D steve buddy we’ll get you into a local running club worry not
An underrated funny-ism about the 1001 AD flashback sequences is that Kol’s “poor trash goblin murderer” and “fancy rich guy” fits look functionally identical.
Because Kol and Finn were daggered for so long they tend to say many modern phrases wrong, Kol just to fuck with Elijah and Finn because he's trying so hard but it's just not going well for him poor baby.
germansingergirl
dailybridgerton
jbbartram-illu
titsay
baratheonpilled
vaporwave
