Preface: This is the first entry in a series that Iâve decided to cultivate, while working on a larger scale writing project. Each article and/or chapter will tackle a new topic regarding aspects involving or relative to how we as humans decide to live our lives and how we can do that better.
In Spike Leeâs film, Do the Right Thing we get to explore NYC during the rough and still racially charged reality of the late 80âs. What essentially begins as a triggered and troubled relationship between African American and Italian American New Yorkers, ends up shedding light on the racial tensions, lack of communication and awareness, as well as the reality that realityâs truths will only acknowledged, once violence has plagued a community. Spike Lee is able to show us humanityâs flaws and racial tensions through our main character Mookie (Spike Lee), his relationships with his girlfriend, sister, friends around town, all within the very local setting of a Bed-Stuy pizzeria owned by Sal (Danny Aiello), who happens to be Mookieâs boss. The crux of controversy comes from a disagreement in regards to Salâs celebrity Wall of Fame, which predominantly and solely showcases famous actors of Italian American heritage. Giancarlo Espositoâs character Bugginâ Out wants to know why Salâs wall doesnât showcase any famous actors of African American heritage, only for Sal to respond that itâs his business and he can do what he pleases with the Wall of Fame. A takeover of the pizzeria and Wall of Fame occur, a mini riot breaks out, thereâs a clash between the various race groups, which ends up including the mob, a member of society, Radio Raheem (Bill Nunn), is killed by a police officer by way of chokehold, and in the end the two leads end up reconciling in the aftermath of a community breakdown. Leeâs points seem to highlight where society was and in some ways still are even in 2019, but ultimately how all of this couldâve been avoided by doing the right thing in the first place. The right thing of course being that our characters shouldâve been treating each other differently from the get go. Differently in a such a way where there was understanding and respect, regardless of differences that certain characters may have hid behind due to lack of awareness. Doing the right thing wouldâve been simply being decent to one another and just getting on with each personâs daily journey, instead of laying into fears, differences, and thinking that specific races of people are the reasons for ever changing societies. To be clear race doesnât control a societyâs reason for positive or negative changes, but in fact those who are at the top of the socio-economic power struggle are the ones in ultimate control over the situation, but letâs save that for a future discussion shall we.
When it comes to living a decent life, there are several bastions that are best to uphold. Think of the foundations in which your moral compass is built upon as a castle, a thick wall, or any other sturdy metaphor. Now, during a battle is it realistic or even possible to maintain every one of the castleâs walls at once, probably not, but people still tried. Is it realistic to think that plugging up holes in a damn one after another, like something out of a cartoon, will ultimately prevent water from leaking through, most definitely not. Can you be the best at everything, hell the fuck no, but you sure can try and end up giving it your damn all whilst doing so. The effort becomes genuine, sincere, even meaningful, and thatâs what people notice and remember in the long run of it all. You are in for the long run, arenât you? Within this worded journey Iâm going to touch upon a few staples of life, hard hitting points, and hopefully easily memorable every day actions that can bring you towards living your best life and even being the best possible person, but no freaking pressure. The key point right now that will get us started off, which I will most likely harp back on in following chapters of this new and fun series, is that itâs important to do the right thing. Be the individual to go out of their way when others are taking the easy way out, because in the end doing whatâs right really and truly matters. So whatâs a better way to start talking about doing the right thing than treating those around you with the utmost kindness, even if they donât deserve it, and if they donât then really fucking slay them with it till theyâre sick.
Treating Others Well, Well Duh!
Acting with kindness to those around you, whether you know them or not, whether you like them or not, should be everyoneâs modus operandi. Itâs ultimately following the saying, âtreat people the way youâd want to be treatedâ, regardless of differences or initial impressions, because remember when it comes down to it weâre all made up of the same things, space stuff, and space stuff is pretty out of this world am I right or what? I hope you enjoy puns, so buckle that seatbelt up, and remember safety third, because this journey will be chock full of them. There will be so many dad jokes and puns that youâll be choking on them after a while, but please just donât choke and die whatever you do. I donât need an obscure lawsuit coming out of a piece of writing thatâs meant to be geared towards helping people. Speaking of killing, kindness kills, it really does, and we all know the power that being kind carries over attacking with blind fit of negativity as easy as that may be for most. There are tons of expressions about it, such as catching more flies with honey than with vinegar, take the high road even if they go low, or last but not least, which is the most on the nose one, kill them with kindness. Your emotions and reactions will want you to stoop down to their level when they go low and get dirty, but donât let yourself get to that point. Arm yourself with that kindness grenade launcher, take aim down the sights, and blow them up with a rainbow and glitter filled kindness blast, so theyâll end up hating you more, but more so youâll end up leaving the situation feeling just fine and dandy. Too many people let their emotions end up driving them in a majority of the situations in which they find themselves and of course thereâs a time and place where that can and should be allowed, but itâs not ideal or healthy to have every situation be driven by how you feel. Emotions are a drug of sorts, where you may or may not let your true self or actual thoughts come out, but it could all very well end up being what your true thoughts are in the then and there, not after having thought out and discussed with yourself what youâre really feeling. Reacting with kindness is not only the best way to handle a situation, which will prevent you from stooping to a lower level of living as previously mentioned, but also to really punch back with the point that youâre not only not going to let anyone get to you, but that you are in fact a genuinely decent human being. There have been tons of times in my life where Iâve shouldâve crushed someone under the defeat of being kind, but I didnât. Why you must be wondering, well because I was young, dumb, and blinded by a flurry of emotions. Reacting without thinking seemed like the only way to handle the situation at the time when youâre square in it and itâs staring you straight in the punim. It wasnât until I started becoming a bit more of a goddamn adult, that I realize that 1) wasting emotions can be avoided, and 2) you can always handle a situation better, always. Think of those closest to you, or even all of your favorite celebrities/musicians/athletes who might not have handled themselves in the best of light during an incident in the spotlight. Regardless of how good acting a certain way might feel when youâre in the heat of the moment and shitâs going doing, first, why donât you take a step back and think how does that end up looking from an outsiderâs perspective? Within the past year or two I can name a few very memorable instances of notable figures not necessarily handling themselves at their best. Antonio Brown just recently had some drama involving âfinding outâ he was getting released from the Oakland Raiders. Youâre probably wondering about the bunny ears, well there was a video, because nowadays thereâs always a video. What happened was that basically the video showed Brown finding out he was just released and he started running around cheering and saying that he was free. Was it genuine? Perhaps. Staged? Most likely, but either way he ended up making a very public expression of how he felt about his time with the Raiders. Thatâs like telling your boss to go fuck themselves on the way out the door of a job that youâve been dying to leave behind. Sure as shit that probably felt great, and seemed like a cool idea at the time, but was it the smartest move? Fuck no. In Brownâs case he was already in the process of getting picked up by the New England Patriots, so thereâs that job security, but whoâs to say that if something a little more unfriendly went down, such as the boss situation example I had given, that he wouldnât have been shut down by a number of teams for showing off his unsportsmanlike conduct. Look the point isnât to point a finger at Antonio Brown, heâs just an example, because when I was writing this, the news about him had just broke. I could rattle off about Brett Kavanaugh, Kayne, Sean Spicer, Serena Williams, or even the goddamn POS President of the United, Donald Trump for fuck sake. It doesnât matter who the subject matter is, but what matters is how they couldâve handled themselves and just as importantly what steps theyâd take after the fact to either rectify or hinder the situation. Years ago when I was in the process of leaving the HVAC industry I had taken a 12.1% pay cut, because I managed not to achieve two certifications by a certain deadline. That deadline was only two months out from when I was supposed to leave the company anyway, but very few people had that knowledge at the time. I really didnât want to be in the field anymore and had even already applied for a coding bootcamp through the now defunct Dev Bootcamp, which I was already participating in through the online portion of the bootcamp, while the in person portion was only a couple of months away. The pay cut was the blow to my emotional gut and solidified any and all musings in regards to how I felt about being at that company and industry. I was pissed the fuck off, but I knew it really didnât matter how I wanted to react, what mattered how I should react. There were times where I wanted something to go down so I could unleash all of the pent of frustration, but no matter the trials in those short months, nothing ever came of it. On my last day I said goodbye to some of my friends who I still maintain relationships with and left the building on good terms with the CEO after an hour long conversation. I was relieved to be done with that part of my life, but I will always be slightly hung up on that pay cut. Did I let it make me leave a black stain on my professionalism in the industry, absolutely not, because whoâs to say that my former boss couldnât end up wanting to blacklist me within the industry. Sure thatâs a dick move, but I guess sometimes you can play dick move for dick move. Itâs definitely something to keep in mind that your actions have impactful, lasting, and potential serious implications. Iâll touch way more upon that in coming paragraphs, but for now letâs get back to being the best person by treating others well.
Besides being a kind person, not letting yourself judge others like judging a books by their covers is just as essential. When you judge someone while only having an initial glimpse into their life you might be cutting yourself off from the possibility of a new and fruitful connection. That could end up creating a negative association in regards to how people may view you, which in turn could just cause a back and forth of a bunch of people judging each other, thinking they know what someone else is all about when in reality everyone just ends up knowing nothing. Just think about it, how many times have you let yourself judge somebody you didnât know at all simply based on either how they looked, acted, spoke, etc. We all try to adjust, adapt, and handle ourselves differently when something we donât yet understand comes into our lives, thatâs exactly what happens when and why youâre judging somebody. If thereâs a language barrier, you might speak louder thinking thatâll solve the problem. If someone is dressed oddly or is not the best with people, then you might cast them out while making fun of them, just so you can feel better about yourself. Sure there are plenty of times where someone is just giving off that wrong vibe and judge them, because your instincts are probably on point, but most of the time thatâs not the case. You have to give people a chance to prove themselves, before you throw them into a box for your own benefit. Itâs something that children are amazing at, since kids couldnât give a flying fuck what makes you not fit in, since all they care about is if youâre nice to them. Thatâs why thereâs that unconditional love, understanding without knowing whatâs out there in the world, and itâs absolutely incredible how untainted something like that can end up being. Itâs definitely harder these days for people to not judge one another, since the influx and popularity of social media, which Iâll dive into later, but in the meantime thereâs always the small steps and breakthroughs that can be achieved and that starts with you.
To keep the YOU train rolling, make sure to spread decency and courtesy like itâs the common cold. Being courteous leaves a lasting impact in regards to how people view you, plus when it becomes your norm youâll actually take great pleasure from just acting like a decent human being. You may have noticed it already, but itâs important how people view you, because that lasting impression spreads, it sticks with you, and can take you either in the best or the worst of directions, but letâs stick with how contagious courtesy can be. Being courteous is easier than you think, but just taking the first steps in regards to how to go about that may be the most difficult thing for most people. The idea of learning to be courteous may sound odd, but for those who werenât fortunate enough of being raised in such an environment, then it becomes something you do need to learn. As I may have previously mentioned, itâs easier to react to someone with negativity, because itâs a defense mechanism, but killing with kindness or engaging in communication to create a chance for understanding is the more rewarding and righteous path. Engaging people with the utmost respect goes hand in hand with being courteous, but you can obviously have one without the other. You can be courteous without having respect for someone, itâs called keeping your poker face on high or on fleek like the young kids are saying these days (total fucking joke), but you can also have respect for someone without being courteous, and thatâs just a result of not being raised a certain way as previously mentioned. It ultimately harps back to treating others how youâd want to be treated, because when you think about your everyday micro interactions donât the small things end up peeving you out the most. Really think about it though, since there can be plenty of examples of these annoyances, such as someone not using manners, not holding the door, cutting in line at an event, etc. I can rattle off the long list and you know itâs annoying, because youâll probably start to feel irked while reading it, especially if there are a bunch of things such as that starting to pile up on you like that, so begin to imagine what thatâd be like in your day to day. Obviously being both respectful and courteous will get your further along than not, but both have to be learned, understood, and really utilized to be appreciated. So what do you do to learn these skills, well we live in a sort of new day technological age of enlightenment, in the sense where anything you might want to learn is easily accessible whether itâs online or in person. However, you can read all the books in the world, scramble through articles online about etiquette, but ultimately the best way to learn is through human interaction. Find yourself some friends who are also trying to be better people, learning and striving to be their best selves and latch onto them. If you have people to grow with itâll make your adventure all the more fun. If youâre like me then you adapt to the company you decide to keep. I find that I might act a certain way around one group compared to another, which can be a double-sided blade. While it makes you fit it instantly, it can sometimes bring on a somewhat negative look, especially if your new desired cohorts arenât the best of folk. No oneâs perfect, Iâm sure as shit ainât, but the coming to the realization when something is hindering you rather than helping is definitely the first step towards reaching towards perfection. Perfection is a lie, but that doesnât mean you canât keep striving for it. I surround myself with friends whoâve may or may not attended better schools that me, or have higher paying jobs, or more success in life, but the common theme seems to be that they know how to treat each other in a respectful, courteous, and down right beyond decent way. The fun fact is that not a single one of them is perfect either, but they all learn from the next in order to improve the ways in which they are flawed eventually becoming the best of us all, becoming a super hero of sorts.
Become the superhero youâve always wanted to be by taking in all of the positive advice from those around you have instilled in you over time. Don Cheadle said the following about being a super hero during an Avengers: Endgame red carpet interview that speaks pretty highly to my point:
âWow, I think, you know, teamwork, I think, you know, sacrifice, putting others before yourself. All those things that we were told to do and that our parents tell us to do when weâre young, you knowâ. â Don Cheadle
Itâs a solid quote, and itâs definitely a major part of what makes any person a hero, super powers or not. Even Dr. Erskine from Captain America: The First Avenger says the following to Steve Rogers,
âWhatever happens tomorrow you must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier, but a good man.â â Stanley Tucci as Dr. Abraham Erskine
This is an important ideal to remember, because while you can always dress the part, it really comes down to what you can do and in the end what you are standing for. I know me telling you to be a superhero might come off as a silly idea, but Iâm not telling you to dress up like Batman and jump from rooftop to rooftop crushing bad guys and I think you know that, because if youâre smarter to pick up this book or click this article, then well youâre more than capable. Your super heroic actions donât have to be grandiose either, they just have to matter and make a positive impact. Think of small moments where you mightâve changed someoneâs life for the better, because you were being a more than decent person. Have you ever let someone go ahead of you on line at the supermarket, because they only had one item and were in an obvious rush. Perhaps you helped someone cross the street where there was only a stop sign, because you could tell that if someone didnât help out, then they mightâve never made it across due to the vehicle traffic. Maybe you let a friend or family member vent about something going on in their life without providing a solution, because you realized that person didnât need you to fix their problem, but simply just needed you. Those are all heroic moments that stick with people and can leave a lasting mark that perhaps theyâll pay forward to someone else one day. Every way you interact with someone has a resulting response and it brings us to cause and effect.
âFor every action (force) in nature there is an equal and opposite reactionâ â Isaac Newton
Every cause has a resulting effect and understanding how your actions affect others will impact how you decide to act in the first place, thatâs if youâre willing to think before you act Itâs important to first state that even if you think the world revolves around you, that in fact itâll never be the YOU-SHOW no matter how much youâd like to think that. In turn, realizing that something you might do, say, or what have you, will always affect someone else, whether itâs positive or negative experience already sets you apart from a great number of people out there in the world. One of the greatest things Iâve noticed now having lived in two major cities, NYC and Los Angeles, is how stark of a contrast there can be. While NYC gets a bad reputation of everyone thinking theyâre the best, and that New Yorkers are rude, and so on, itâs simply not true. Well, actually we are some of the best people in the world, but weâre not rude for the most part and thatâs because we all share a common respect and understanding that whatever we may do might end up affecting someone else. Some people obviously either decide to use that power of knowledge in a great and helpful way or a completely destructive one. Everyone in NYC has something going on, so when New Yorkers seem rude or that they are in a rush itâs usually just the latter. Iâve been stopped for directions or have seen others stopped and even the busiest of people will snap out of whatever they have going on to help out someone else. We come together as a community when someone needs something, especially if something crazy is going down on one of the many Subways, Iâm looking at you E train shenanigans. Los Angeles on the other hand, which is where Iâm currently living, seems to be a bit different, or in fact quite the contrary in some ways. I do believe that Los Angeles shares some of the best qualities with NYC in regards to a sense of community passion, but I canât help but feel that a majority of the people here are living in their own larger than life bubble. Drivers seem to be in their own blinker-less world, there seems to be a powerful sense of speaking about doing the right thing rather than actually doing it, and it sometimes seems to be the home of the most narcissistic people ever. Perhaps that last part has to do with being the TV/Film capital of the country, but it just always feels like people pick and choose their friends based on necessity and face value. I hate to hate or be the one to throw shade, but I just needed to point this out. No one city is perfect, similarly to how people arenât perfect, and in the end nothing is perfect, which youâve probably gotten sick of me saying already. What Iâm getting at with the city comparison, to bring it all back is that, yup youâve guessed it, actions tell a story, so the consideration of one city to handle itself in away which acknowledges the effect compared to another is quite poignant. Of course the positive experiences will end up bringing you praise and positive reinforcement, while the negative ones might come back to bite you in the end. Karma can be either real power or a construct created by and for people to believe that their actions have a weight associated with them. NBCâs The Good Place is the best and easiest way to process some of the most complicated and convoluted of lifeâs philosophies. It manages to get it right by educating you with all the philosophical source material, while telling you that itâs really up to you in the end to do what you please with your knowledge, but that thereâs no right answer on how to live a perfect life. Itâs a great fucking show in that sense, plus the odd and obscure food references are out the wazoo and it has freaking Kristen Bell and Ted Danson in it. If you get a chance or need something new definitely be sure to check out the incredible shows by Michael Schur, whoâs also worked on great comedic masterpieces such as The Office (US) and Parks and Recreation. In any event, my point in regards to bringing up The Good Place is that it takes something completely complicated and nearly impossible to process in one sitting and breaks it down into smaller more manageable and digestible chunks.
The best way to go about any situation, especially one that might feel foreign at first is to break it down into steps, just like how I started writing all of this. I had an idea, it was complicated, and I didnât know how to start. So I created an outline and over time that outline grew, sections and one liners were turned into paragraphs. New ideas and sections would be added, while others fleshed out. As I got to a certain point where it seemed like I had a lot of content I had to switch tactics again, because I had come to another scary and new juncture. How could I possibly keep track of all this shit. I had never written this much in my life, let alone attempted or even thought about writing a book. So, I took an idea from Mark Mason, whoâs the well known author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck and the newly released Everything is Fucked. The idea suggested was also brought up by a new friend I had made on my most recent trip to Las Vegas. She had suggested that I should start blogging, which even my good friend Jaclyn Aubel had done for her own benefitting of keep tracking of ideas. The idea if you havenât guessed it was to start a blog in order to break down the larger ideas in to smaller more processable ones, which could benefit me in a number of ways. I would then be able to tackle my grander picture idea by idea, but also this would begin to create a log of each of my ideas, essentially sectioning out my chapters. The process was my new way to process information and processing information before reacting is one of the most important things you can do, but Iâll let you keep reading so we can dive deeper into all of hat.
Processing information and questioning everything can be two of your best allies. The more you know, the more you end up breaking down into smaller bits of info, all ends up allowing you to be able to process and even for you to gain a solid understanding of what you might be dealing with. Having the facts lets you be in control, with the possibility of informing others, and can give you that power might be the best of choices in varying situations. Asking all the right questions, the Who, What, Where, Why, When, and Howâs not only puts you at an advantage, but gets you thinking, before jumping into a situation that you might regret. Think of all the times you mightâve jumped into a situation too quickly, by just wanting to react thinking that was the best course of action. Sometimes it is, when youâre trying to save a life and your instincts kick in, well shit sure thatâs great, but itâs still risky, because you obviously donât know the bigger picture. A good Samaritan going to save a life could end up getting sued for injury the person they were trying to save, because the samaritan wasnât certified to perform any sort of aide. So while the ârightâ thing was done, it ended up being the wrong course of action. In that situation wouldâve been to alert the police and emergency services and then if necessary try to get consent from someone if thatâs a viable option. Sometimes the best action is no action, until all the pieces of the puzzle are flipped over, organized, and then put together. Once youâve asked the right questions, youâve set course on the first leg of your information processing journey, but of course there will be obstacles that might get in your way, that might end up causing you to want to react emotionally.
Avoiding unnecessary emotional reactions not only can save a situation, but can save yourself from stress and possible contextual fallout. There have been times where I was stressed at work or with friends and Iâd hit a boiling point either due to frustration and/or confusion and Iâd end up snapping at someone. That ends up sucking, because whoever is on the other side definitely, usually, doesnât deserve it. Just imagine being in their shoes and getting ripped on, because youâre in the blast radius of someoneâs mental explosion. There are plenty of articles and examples of this, where emotional reactions in situations where emotions can be avoided end up only causing, but more stress and emotions. There have been times at work, and all of you can probably relate to this, where a coworker of yours mightâve gotten on your nerves. Sometimes itâs because theyâre annoying or perhaps incompetent, but if you really think about it, itâs most likely more on you than you think. Iâve had times where I found someone I work with to be a real pain in the ass; asking the same questions over again, making me have to repeat myself, speaking without listening, and Iâd just get frustrated, but there were also times where Iâd be a bit on edge and bite their heads off as well. Not necessarily because they deserve it, but because I may have already been dealing with something else and the aforementioned agitators couldâve been my reason to react to them, also because theyâd be the closest in proximity to my blast radius. This reaction became tiring, stressful, and made me not only feel like an asshole, but seem like an asshole. I decided to take a step back and think about what that was like to deal with on the receiving end, while also thinking about why maybe they were asking so many questions, or trying to reach out for help, and it was exactly that, they needed help and as their coworker they looked to me as someone they should be able to trust and rely on. It made me feel even more like a dick, since I was getting mad at someone for no real justifiable reason. I changed the way I reacted, I striped all emotion from the situation even if tensions were high, because whatever mightâve been bad for me was probably worse for my coworker. I put myself in their shoes, realized that cohesion and understanding makes for a better, faster, and stronger work environment, while also allowing it to be a lot more friendly. The other day my coworker and I helped out our boss with some small project for upper management and acted as their sounding board. It was a struggle we all worked through together and it ended up paying off. I may have not had all the answers, but sometimes you donât have to, because what matters is that youâre at the very least there for the other person. Thatâs like being the good friend that just listens as your bestie vents it out. They donât need your solutions, sure those might help sometimes, but for the most part they just want your ear. These experiences and epiphanies also made me come to terms that Iâm not the perfect employee nor the perfect person, that Iâm not omniscient or omnipotent, and that the only way I could be anywhere close to perfect is if I built up those around me to better as well. I took the number one rule from my Upright Citizens Brigade 101 class, which is âYes, And!â, and applied it to a part of my life. Iâll be sure to go into more detail about âYes, And!â later on, but my favorite thing from one of my classes was that there was some hot shot actor who definitely wanted to shine, while owning the spotlight. Whatâs funny is that in improv doing just that is not funny at all. Youâre team is only as good as its weakest player, so if you have one person running the ME show, throwing around a bunch of âNo, Ands!â, then theyâll firstly look like a dick, and everything else in the bits wonât work at all. In short, if you want to be the funniest at improv, âYes, And!â the fuck out of everyone to make them all funnier. Youâll be praised as the person who sets up, not sacrifices, but builds up everyone else instead of stealing the show. When I started doing this at work I felt just as good as the greatest improv player, because I wanted to make my teammates better, have them shine, because Iâm nothing without them and theyâre nothing without me. If youâre set on being alone to get to the top itâll not only be a lonely climb, but also a rigorous and most likely disastrous one. Finally, holding onto emotions, unleashing them on people who donât deserve them, and trying to run solo is essentially the kickstarter of an endless cycle for a mental, emotional, and physical energy suck and we all know that it sucks to get caught in that kind of timeless suck.
Continuing with the theme of processing information and avoiding unnecessary emotional reactions is the simple idea of thinking before you speak. No one likes the person that speaks for the sake of filling the silence or to just hear themselves talk. So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where someone or even perhaps youâre the one gabbing along about nothing, maybe stop to take a beat, think to yourself, and reshift your place in the conversation. Sometimes breaking the narrative and conversation for the greater good (The Greater Good), ends up working in your favor in the long run, because while it can be all good and necessary when someone else calls out someoneâs bullshit for talking too much, itâs even better when that person calls themselves out and can even become a bit fun and usually laughable. Thereâs a favorite quote of mine that has powerful implications for the rewards of listening and thinking, while others waste time and effort speaking, and it goes a little something like this,
âBeware the quiet man. For while others speak, he watches. And while others act, he plans. And when they finally rest⊠he strikes. â Anonymousâ
Within the bounds of communication, listening is far more important than speaking. How do you even come back with something meaningful to say if youâre not listening to what else is being spoken. True listening and not just hearing people speak allows you both access and understanding of information, which you can then, thatâs right you guessed it, process. Itâs important to note that when Iâm talking about listening and speaking Iâm talking about much more than the physicality of the two acts. People can communicate without their voices and without their ears and we all hopefully know that. Physical cues, sign language, symbols (emojis), and yes even silence, are all perfect examples of how you can get your point across to another person without having to open your mouth or clear the wax out of your ears. Personally, I prefer staying quiet for most group conversations or even sometimes 1-on-1 interactions, not because I might not have anything to say, but for the sake of gaining insight into otherâs perspectives thus arming myself with knowledge to further the communication. Iâd only chime in if I felt that whatever I needed to contribute was worth the contribution otherwise itâs a waste of words. This lyric from the Talking Heads song Psycho Killer perfectly sums up my feelings about people in conversations and communication really works.
âYou start a conversation you canât even finish it. Youâre talking a lot, but youâre not saying anything. When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed. Say something once, why say it again?â â Psycho Killer (Talking Heads)
Itâs a great freaking lyric right? This line just sticks in your head, because thereâs so much truth to it to the point where everyone can probably relate to being on both sides of the situation. Iâve talked too much or wanted to be the center of attention, but then sometimes people need that. It gives you your fill, you can end up seeming like a dick, but then maybe youâll realize that and call yourself out. Some people are like that 100% of the time and that can only work when theyâre around other people like themselves, otherwise it gets to be annoying as fuck really quickly. Personally, I really try to be mindful of how Iâm affecting the conversation and what Iâm bringing to the table, whether itâs solely listening to someone else, or only speaking when I have something valuable to say. I practiced this most recently when I was out to dinner at Panchoâs in Manhattan Beach with a good friend who had recently ended a relationship. The whole meeting was really for her to get to talk about it and it didnât matter if she was talking at me or with me in regards to the subject matter of her breakup. I wanted to listen to her, understand what went down, but more importantly find out how she was now. At one point she stopped herself and said that she felt like she was talking too much, but it didnât matter to me, because I had enjoyed listening. Of course I shared a bit about how my life has been going and then we bullshitted, so at least weâd continue to be in good spirits, which is one of the best parts about friendship. Sometimes you talk about things of substance, sometimes you fuck of and make jokes about nothing. I was at a festival with one of my best friends a few years ago, we had gotten high on mushrooms, and didnât feel like mingling with anyone else, so we sat in our friends wagon with blanket and just cracked jokes, made obscure John Mulaney references, put on funny voices, and it was the fucking greatest. I love moments like that, because they stick with you. Of course not every conversation is a serious talk about life, so the aforementioned in regards to checking yourself before you speak, really ends up depending on the situation. You could be in a group of friends where everyone is drunk and bullshitting about life and then conversation just flows effortlessly without anyone having to check themselves or you could be in a serious situation where every word could become a choose your own adventure. Everything ends up becoming time and place, so just analyze your situation, check yourself before you wreck yourself, and act accordingly, so youâre not acting a fool, which brings me to my final point.
Weâve already touched upon thinking before you speak, so what would logically come next, speaking before you act. One hundred percent of your interactions should attempted to be handled by speaking, but ultimately actions end up becoming the loudest and most memorable form of communication. What you are always capable of doing is thinking or talking through your eventual actions before getting yourself into a complicated situation. Working through your thoughts step by step is the best course of action, because it shows that you care about how each action could end up not only affecting you, but potentially someone or something else. But what if I look crazy talking to myself? Well you donât have to physically speak out loud, but if that works for you, then do it and donât give a fuck about it. Why should you care what anyone else thinks while youâre trying to work through something, because you really shouldnât. In reality people work out their thoughts out loud on the daily, whether itâs at work, in public, with their friends, and thereâs never any problem. Iâve caught my mom talking out loud to herself and Iâd always think sheâs talking to me, which ends up becoming pretty comical. Iâve done it at work when I was trying to work through some weird code or a project plan. Sometimes Iâll get a bit loopy from riding some sort of good vibe and just start rambling and spitballing about absolutely nothing, but thatâs just my way of getting my thoughts and energy out. People have their own ways of working through things, so youâre most definitely not alone with all your weird shit. In the end everyone gets the gist that youâre working through your ideas out loud and that youâre not some looney talking to yourself. In all reality, who knows maybe you are a bit crazy, sometimes I think that I might have a few screws loose. I mean youâd have to have a morsel of crazy if youâre taking on the task of writing a book. So when you are thinking that youâre alone in your craziness of talking to yourself, well you arenât, because arenât we all a smidge crazy, it is after all a Mad, Mad World (Gary Jules).
Thanks for reading! Hopefully youâve enjoyed this first entry and my perspective into all of this life stuff. I know it mightâve seemed like a lot, but itâs been really exciting to work on this so far. I look forward to any and all feedback and getting the next topic out sometime soon. Thanks again everyone!
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