A Moth's Journal

A little moth flying carelessly through the nights of a big world. I'm not a photographer, I just take pictures to illustrate my entries.

[thejournalofamoth]

Tuesday, August 4th, 2020.

Hey.

I wanted to come here and just let go some things that are in my mind now.

I just feel like everything is complete shit. I haven’t written in a while and a lot of things happened in these two years. But now everything is wrong. At least in my life, because my dearest people and the people surrounding me have been having good things in their lifes. At least I can hold on to that. 

I just can’t help but wonder, when will good things happen to me? When will I be able to have something like the things they have? Achieve something like they have achieved? I don’t know, and I can’t help but to think that it will never happen. Have you ever felt this way?

I’ve fought for my goals harder than ever and still haven’t made it. This is just so hard. I feel lonely and very sad. It feels as if life or the universe is against me and no one seems to understand my feelings. They keep pushing me to appear happy or “alright” but I just can’t bring myself to do so. I want to cry so badly but I can’t. I just want everything to be alright.

[thejournalofamoth]

I’m back

It’s time that I recover this tumblr. Here I go :)

[thejournalofamoth]

Monday, july 23, 2018.

Omg you guys, it’s been so long.

I have a lot to write of, I don’t even know where to begin. 

So, lately I’ve been veeeeeeery busy, like I haven’t been in months. To begin with, thanks to a miracle, I got a job. But not any job, a VERY good job. It’s so good that I don’t think I deserve it sometimes. I didn’t even asked for it I just got the offert and accepted it. I guess my moon is really taking care of me now. I’ll talk about my moon later. 

It was hard at the begining because I was completely alone, I’m being part of a new project and therefore, I’m not only new, but the only one participating. Everything is new for me and it’s overwhelming sometimes. And thanks to this, I’ve learned that I’m actually pretty good at controlling my anxiety. That is some kind of super power to me because I have been dealing with serious anxiety attacks my entire life. But I’m not here to talk about deseases.

If I can tell you something, is that it will pass. I promess, I swear that anything you’re going through that causes you anxiety is going to pass. Maybe not the situation (unfortunatelly) but the anxiety will. You will get trough it. You can do it. And if you feel that you can’t do it alone, please please PLEASE search for professional help.

I am proud to say that I got through an entire week of pure anxiety, and I made it here alive. Because yes, anxiety makes you think that you’re going to die. And yes, people can say that your problem is ‘not that big’ but that’s what anxiety is about. Thoughts that you can’t control and end up eating you. But you can make it through it. 

What works for me is breathing with my stomach until no more air is able to enter my guts, sing whatever song comes to my mind and try to concentrate in my surroundings. Also, try to repeat to yourself: “I’ll be alright”. You don’t have to believe it at first, just keep saying it until it feels real. 

Also pretty please, don’t forget to take your meds in case you have a prescription like me <3

Take care, you are worth it.

Also I’m just going to say this: I accidentally fell in love with an almost-married boy. He ended up falling in love with me too and now we don’t know what to do, eventhough I know for sure he’s not leaving his fiancée. I’m scared, I know I’m going to be hurt, I don’t know how badly, but I also know that I’ll be alright no matter what.

You’ll be alright.

You’re worth it.

You’ll get through this.

You’re strong enough, brave enough. You are enough.

I’ll leave you with this picture of my feet and a feather I happened to find on the ground. Also I have a lot of pictures I took recently, I will try to write more often so I can put them with my entries.

[thejournalofamoth]

Friday, 08/06/2018.

Hello again.

Today I learned a new thing: how to win at life, basically. How to be full. 

I think by this time we all know that happiness doesn’t really last for a long time, so our life goal should not be ‘to be happy forever’ you know? cause that’s impossible. We want to be full, we want to live in plenitude, so when hard times come, we know exactly how to react and what to do with our emotions, and most importantly: we know that we’ll be ok. I think we shouldn’t run away from our unpleasant emotions, but let them flow within us and with that, overcome them. 

So, the key is: balance.

Do you know what the balance symbol is? It’s a triangle △. I love triangles thanks to that. It means we need three pillars or bases for our life to be balanced. We need to take care of:

△ Self acceptance

△ Physical healthcare

△ Social relations

Rocking those three aspects of our life will really get us to a state of plenitude. I will be talking about those three aspects in other entries, because I don’t want this one to be that long lmao.

I’ve also been thinking about love. I think I was afraid to fall in love because I used to think that once I was in love I would never be able to be by myself again. I didn’t want to emotionally depend on another person, because that’s what was happening to me. I think I finally found the way for loving my significant other (who is not really my partner yet) and not depending on him being exclusive to me, because no one is exclusive, you can’t really posess anyone all for yourself, cause we’re all people, not objects. I think I’m finally free... 

Meanwhile, I'll leave you with this cute graffiti that I found walking absentmindedly on the street. It says “Forgive me biter, I love you”. Biter as someone who bites. Did I tell you that I love learning new languages? By now, I speak english, spanish, japanese and a little bit of french. I want to learn more.

Untill next time △

[thejournalofamoth]

Monday, 04/06/2018.

Omg

Hey! I wasn’t really planning on doing an entry today since I don’t have much interesting things to say yet but I was really emotional to not post anything ;; dlfkdkdkskdk first: I made a new friend today uwu a baby ladybug fkfkdk second: my last post actually had interactions ???? Someone liked it and someone even reblogged it!!?!?!!!!??? Like I know it’s nothing but to be my first ever post and not putting much effort on the hashtags I’m really impressed it got interactions within the first 2 days of existing. Sorry, I’m too emotional todayyyyy.

Yesterday I did a very difficult exam. It’s one of those exams that kind of define your future you know? It was really exhausting. I didn’t put much effort in it for reasons I’m going to talk about later. But I could very clearly feel the tension among the students there, and it somehow got to me. Studying in my uni is really a privilege so of course people would be very pressured to do well, and it made me think of how everyone always worries except for me. Why am I like this? Am I taking everything for granted? Am I nor caring enough? Maybe I can’t bring myself to care anymore.

At the end of the day I’m just a little moth.

[thejournalofamoth]

Saturday, 02/06/2018.

First entry! 

Hey. This is my first entry ever. I created this Tumblr basically as a journal for me, but with pictures. I don’t know, I just came up with this idea and it kind of sounded great. I love doing journals and love taking pictures of my daily life, eventhough they are not professional, of course.

About me, I’m not sure what to say yet. Recently I’ve found many similarities with Moths and the way I desenvolve in life. I guess it’s the fact that I’ve always found moths intriguing and misterious, although they just kind of exist and that’s it. They don’t do much, and that’s exactly how I’m living my life right now. I’m existing, nothing more. Nevertheless, moths are not like any other bugs. They are harmless, but they still scare people. They kinda look like weird, colorless butterflies, yet they’re beautiful in their own way. In my country, some moths are considered a death omen, but they are just different. I’ve heard that when moths migrate, their orientation depends on the brightness of the night sky, they migrate following the moon. That’s how I feel, I feel like a weird, creepy, careless moth in a world full of colorful butterflies. Butterflies that know exactly where to go, while I’m here being fooled by artificial lights thinking they’re the moon.

I’ve done things thinking they are what I want, but I ended up being wrong, hurt and making a lot of mistakes. That’s why I feel like a moth.

What else should I say? I have yet to figure out how exactly to use this site correctly. Please bear with me!