Hot off the press

Reporting for the LA Blogger, I'm here to give you the scoop no one else 'round here does on all things superhero.

[thelablogger]

Death Does Not Become Us

Our shining city has seen a great many things—two Hawkeyes, anyone?—but this columnist is starting to wonder what the hell is going on.

To be perfectly frank, everybody’s kickin’ the bucket. My readers are leaning toward the good old Armageddon theory, but that one’s the old hat by now. Our Avengers took care of that, if you wanna believe the lines Stark Tower has been feeding us. Some followers cite a government conspiracy. Maybe. Others campaigned for extremist groups and/or a spike in gang activity. Another good fraction of my readers think we’re heading into zombie/walker territory. Solid guesswork, at this point. Zombies are all the rage nowadays. Before we start looking for our very own Rick Grimes to lead us all to safety, let’s get back to the story.

Everyone is dying. A dozen car crashes, a handful of fires, multiple lightning strikes, three boat (one was a yacht carrying a ten year reunion) sinkings, one poisoning, and a minor sinkhole in Brentwood, on top of the drought (!) has forced yours truly to begin considering retirement in sunny, charming, boring San Diego.

What’s your take, Los Angeles? Mass casting in Final Destination? A visit from the Grim Reaper? Leave us a comment.

[thelablogger]

Murderer Found Dead

If you have been reading the news lately, you are no stranger to the name Thane Kendrick. Kendrick overtook the local spotlight when a reporter witnessed him having some sort of breakdown and murdering several employees of the hospital where he worked. Kendrick exhibited superhuman abilities, including turning several nurses to stone and killing multiple people without touching them.

For those of you who have been living in fear with the knowledge that Kendrick is running free, fear no more. The body of a man believed to be Kendrick was found in a secluded cottage. Police searched the house when they discovered that the property belonged to Kendrick.

Officials say that the bones in Kendrick’s neck were crushed, matching the M.O. of several other murders around the city, including the recent murder of Carter Johnson, whose body was found in an alley five days ago.

Police will not say if they suspect that Kendrick’s death was related to these other murders or if it was an isolated incident.

[thelablogger]

Doctor or Murderer?

Everyone’s heard of superheroes and supervillains. Everyone has heard of Doctor Thane Kendrick, but until now, no one has heard that the Doctor himself is a supervillain. Until now, Dr. Kendrick has maintained the perfect cover. Handsome, extremely talented, and an up and coming name in the medical world (reminiscent of Dr. Stephen Strange, a neurologist in New York City on an Icarus like journey, rising higher and higher only to be struck by tragedy). Like Strange, Kendrick has quickly gone from healing prodigy to, without any exaggeration, an Angel of Death.

Last night, Kendrick was witnessed acting erratically. Most would blame it on the high stress atmosphere doctors live in, but this was something different. He began demanding the tapes to a certain room in the hospital, muttering what sounded like nonsense to this reporter. After the denial of the tapes, Kendrick went mad. Everyone in the room was struck down, victims of one man’s senseless rage. One might wonder--morbidly--how Kendrick accomplished this. Yours truly counted three guards and plenty of exits in the atrium. How did one man obliterate over forty people?

Answer: a mutant gene.

Kendrick’s rage spurred on a curious set of events. All those around him dropped dead. Men, women, children--it made no difference. Kendrick’s ability was unstoppable. In his parting words (an apology), a group of nurses were turned to stone. Mind you, this newspaper is not the LA Gazette. We are not a gossip magazine, compiling false truths in order to bring in sales. Every word you see in this article is the truth. A reach last year. Laughable five years ago. Now, put up against the lunacy of the Battle of New York, the appearance of real gods, followed by superheroes moving en masse to Los Angeles... well, it isn’t out of the realm of possibility.

Footage of the event can be found here.