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twenty-eight

9th june 2026; 9:02pm

and here we go again, 365 days later; i am here; older. but guess what? after years of jaded entries; written griefs and pessimism salvaged by a speck of hope, i finally have more than half of my odds in my favor.

i didn't see it coming, but here i am:

i have a solid income; got promoted to a bid and proposal manager: was able to build a positive rapport in my career: authored two proposals that won: earning beyond six digits: rejected jobs with offers up until 190k?! (this is still wild to me btw) turned into a not-so-bad provider for my family. i was part of the crowd of the historic first professional tennis tournament finals in the philippines: saw wendy live and took a pioneer experience of listening to day6 through going to their concert: been going to the cinemas on a good interval to rest: bought a sht ton of toy collection! i got to experience having cats! no matter how little time we've spent together, i'll always remember chocolat: met botchog! it's not easy to be a pet owner lol i am just semi-terrified of bills now- my paycheck can somehow finally fit the bill. it's a foreign feeling, not having to grovel, not having to relish in anguish, not having to draw silver linings, not having to count small victories to not feel entirely defeated, not having to bury the grief and makeshift in order to go on. up when you've reached a certain point of summit, you have finally room to breathe; but the long years of running; of surviving- leaves a permanent trace of doubt; of asking: what if tomorrow, i'm back right where i started? so i never let up, but i don't want to put all the liberty from the respite i've worked so hard to earn go to waste either. anyhow, it's a privileged problem to have. hah, look @ me lol.

eight years after turning twenty, i finally had a tiny breakthrough. none of the 20s jaenen would actually believe where i would be right now,

i can time travel at any point of my twenties, and i could tell myself, it's eased up before i turned 30 without having to be a lawyer; and honestly, i would go: tf are you lying for lol

this has been the best pre-june 10 i've had in as long as i remember, i was able pull out all my chase on popmart, i had financial margin to enjoy, yoshinobu yamamoto had good 4 straight outings, i got myself a yoshi ws 2025 mvp funkopop! i upgraded my work equipment and station, family's all healthy! i've broken the chains of feeling 6/10 on 6/10. i am now a 6.8/10!

anyhow, bye twenty-eight, you were cathartic at its best. and finally, the start of my era of course correction

i'm becoming, i'm almost there,

by this time next year, here's what i'll be singing joyous praise of: 🍀ya girlie is debt-free 🍀stable upper middle class provider 🍀BOYFIE OF MY STANDARDS?! hahaha 🍀250k salary?! 🍀ABUNDANT IN CA$H 🍀doing so well in my career 🍀traveling with family!!! 🍀making mama & papa proud. 🍀 thinner; lord pls lol 🍀clearer skin, thicker hair; and 🍀 safe and healthy family!

thank you, lord. thank you, mama mary. cue in, all i am all i ask tenkyu lord lol 🎶 nothing with heaven's grace, i know that. anyway, cheers to twenty eight! this is just the beginning of my broken bones mending, the only from here is up and there's more to come. a lot more than i imagined, i ever thought of. i will be rich af lol off to another meeting, see ya!

28 photos :: 28 year old chaenen 🍀

traditional year end entry 🗓

here's to a kinder and better 2026 🍀✨️🍀✨️🍀✨️🍀✨️

adios, 2025.

27 photos :: 27 year old chaenen

for twenty-seven too,

rafa retired.

and as he hung his racket, a part of me left with him.

it was bitter, not having the chance to watch him play on court, live, because i never made it far enough to earn a seat in that crowd;

but sweet because i carry so much memories because i've watched him play.

i carry those moments—with mama, papa, and ate—folded between years like postcards.

one of the few points where our interest actually intersect lol

i'll be writing a separate post for this, because this girlie

is still coping lol

twenty-seven

9th june 2025; 10:51pm

and here we are again, 364 days after the 10th of june. 524,160 minutes gone as if it was all a fever dream. where did time go? how did it even fly by when i feel like i've ran into places yet stood still at the very core.... when did i start hating the 10th of june? was it when i figured i've never even hit stark milestones everytime i see a full year pass right by me? was it when i felt it doesn't really feel meaningful apart from the reminder that i've drawn yet another circle without any stars and galaxies to embellish the journey? how much part of me have i repeatedly downplayed at this point? how much part of my loved ones have i broken with my obscurity and pessimism?

i carry my losses and flaws like a cross, i keep it with me, i instill it with me. but even then, i don't stop trying. i get by, i go on. is that really so bad? in between being 300k debt under, now earning 60k a month yet still not enough, wanting to go to law school even when knowing i'm not fully equipped for it (financially and intellectually), i've gotten tired of tracing the silver linings, to makeshift just to say i'm not left behind. my duct-taped hopes run loose like clockwork, i spiral right after, melt down, shed the same-old, script written tears by my grief, envy, comparisons, doubts and anxiety; i'm still me; the same old me; like a streetlight; blinking out of power fluctuations; i'm a failed investment, i say the one who cut off the comfortable life i should have continued, the one who carried the baton but was running on fumes. for someone who's stayed awake at almost every single dawn; aren't i too hardened; too jaded beyond repair;;;;;; or maybe, i am just that overdramatic lol

i did lose a job and found a new one in a span of a month, i've doubled my income, i've gotten a better job, i can now pencil a career trajectory, i've seen sarai after a good number of years, traveled with family, ate good food, cracked jokes, laughed in between, my family's still healthy, complete and mapping out our ways to be happy even if there is a melody of permanence in the burdens and regrets, we try to bury. as it has always been,

in between all those woes; miseries and;

fuck, i'm left behind

i've lived a little and a lot more.

sure, i did lose out on law school; sure, i just can't close out my debt; sure, i am watching everyone soar; fall in love; travel and find themselves; but that's just this year.

i've honestly watched the wild robot last night and it was such a good reminder, i too, am a runt. so my cards are built for endurance and that's what i'll keep doing; and soon something will click. so, goodbye twenty-seven. you were.... ha. hard. i'm becoming, i'm on my way there, the leg of long-fucking climb before the summit: i find that manifestation works, so here's what i will be writing about next year this time; 🍀ya girlie is debt-free 🍀law school is here -- i am about to be enrolled/already am! 🍀doing well in my career! 🍀 ABUNDANT IN CA$H 🍀in love (very low-priority but of high importance lol) 🍀providing well 🍀going on that US all-hands for Smoothstack/Fedstack!!! 🍀making mama & papa proud.

anyway, adios 27.

maybe you were more than i thought you were.

as i watch myself fall off the cliff over and over again, i've forgotten to look up to the sky;

there were galaxies and stars in the circle i've penned;

i just missed out.

see ya. (also, this is my 100th post!!! cool!)

2024. traditional yearend entry.

🍀 to a better and kinder 2025. 🥹🍀🥹

i remember three months into the job, i was laughing with my fellow new on boardees;

"i'll be out of here by next year", i said

"this is temporary" i said but with a small jest, i muttered,

"sinasabi ko lang yan pero tingnan mo, sabay tayong kukuha ng service plaque"

ode, pota.

5 years and 5 months later

i'm still fxckin here 🤣🤣

the ironies; the jokes; the writings on the wall 🤣

i mean, the moment i saw the plaque - there was just laughter of disbelief and,

"how the fuck did dat happen"; along with

"where did time go?"; on top of

"i've gone nowhere";;

"life is not a race" ;

the books have told me so; the self-motivational speakers have preached so; the songs have chanted so;

but if were,

boi, i am so left behind.

lord, pls; let this be my final full year with deltek;

i need a break;

an actual break;

in both sense;

i've been breaking everyday;

but never through:

but still, this job paid my bills.

funded my concerts, trips and medical expenses.

linings : silver.

cheers to my years with deltek. may this be the last for a better one. 🍀

lord, hired as au embassy visa processing officer pls 🙏 🍀🙏

26 photos :: 26 year old chaenen

twenty-six

9th june 2024; 11:30 pm

did this in a rush; we just came home from ate lei's, she's moving to florida, leaving behind all these dramas; we also cleaned fita's room and all but, i just have to write this annual tradition;

so, here goes nothing.

hello little shits, here we are again.

365 days after.

right in the same place,

running in place.

asking myself, "where the fuck is this journey going?"

a year of holding on,

maybe it's gonna be alright(s),

it's gone make sense(s),

and here i am,

increasing the value of the numerical parameter of how far i've come,

and realizing how little i've attained;

twenty six, i was stuck;

i am stuck;

i'm hitting five years with deltek this year;

a promotion not even on sight;

a new job not even waiting for me;

a better job not even on the horizon;;

the absolute fuck;

i am stripe caught on the rat race of life;

climbing in place;

restlessly;

but can even barely even see the sky;

let alone the mountain top;

i've accomplshed nothing;

done nothing to be proud of-

apart from holding on;

going on; no matter how stale the milestones are;

standing; no matter how still;

looping until i've hit another year;

but, twenty-six; you weren't that bad - i suppose.

i've been to singapore, seen and heard taylor swift,

saw and heard my bimby (hwang minyeon) live,

went to a taeyeon and iu concert,

watched hamilton live,

watched sarai get her pr,

cheered for fita for her first job (albeit, rlly low paying af);

been with my family, my parents especially, safely and healthily,

in between all those woes; miseries and;

fuck, i'm left behind

i've lived a little and a lot more.

there's a lot to be jealous of;

a lot to pine for;

a lot to regret of;

a lot of i'll never fit the bill;

and can never cover the costs;

but hey;;;

one can only hope;;;

that maybe, soon....

before i turn thirty,

the tides might just turn,

and the odds might just be in my favor....

gotta say, this year's note is a lot more hopeful than the last;

so, twenty-six; goodbye you little shit.

i've gone nowhere and somewhere;

see ya.

two thousand and twenty three

31st December; 11:32pm

i’m still here;

despite all the trials;

the breakdowns;

the i don’t wanna do it anymore(s);

the is this all will i ever be(s);

the regrets;

the i wish i could be more(s);

the i’m simply not enough(s);

the gone too soon(s);

the goodbye(s);

the tears;

the doubts;

the i’m tired of it all(s);

the will there ever be better tomorrow(s);

the pining over romances i never had;

the wishes left unanswered;

the rope inside my head hanging visibly from the ceiling;

the take me back to the time were things simpler; easier;

the time when i lived for the hope of it all—

i’m still here;

through all the blessings;

the victories no matter how small;

the love that would move mountains, only if it can;

the laughters to save it all;

the warm hugs to cover the coldest obscurities of nights;

the optimism no matter how frail;

the faith, despite skepticism;

the prayers that were answered;

the promises and belief that all eventually will be well;

the hope that one day it will all make sense;

the persistence to hold on;

the affirmation that i’ve worked hard despite imperfection;

the small pride that—

i’m here.

i’m still here;

i will be here:

things will get better.

life will get better,

chances will come,

victories will soar,

love will bloom,

and i’ll be here.

glad that i weathered all storms:

loved the best that i can:

buried all the darkest of thoughts:

standing,

travelling,

providing,

and laughing with all i hold dear to my heart.

i’m still here;

and i’ll always be here—

11:47pm ; 31st December 2023;

happy new year, adios 2023

for a moment that i peered through your profile photo,

it was what you used back in 2020,

the nostalgia bit,

my heart fleeted—

a couple of beats later,

the next time i saw it,

it’s back to what it originally was,

your grim, urban picture,

a time where i’m no longer part of who you are.

and i just smiled to myself,

i was long gone, nothing but an unpromising moment.

the ending you wrote for me

in my dreams,

you and i were there,

with my sister,

back at our old house,

you had a paper,

you handed it to me,

you had an ending written out for me for a literary piece we both came across,

i asked if i can read it then and now,

you shook your head for a no with a soft laugh,

i felt my heart fleet and we shared a smile,

i looked at you,

held your wrist,

told you i wasn’t going to read it,

asked you to also never open the endings i’ll be writing for you from now on,

it was nice,

it was sweet,

it was nothing but a dream,

it was a cloud,

beautiful and made of nine(s),

it was there but i couldn’t fall in it,

‘cause it was all but a thin air.

25 photos :: 25 year old chaenen

twenty-five

9th june 2023; 8:56pm

ah, and so here we are again.

on my annual must-write narrative a day before i age numerically higher than i was before.

ha. where do i begin?

let this be a fucking rant because...

twenty-five was just....

an absolute betrayer.

the remedy that never came through.

the plot twist that never turned things around.

the unexpected victory that never befell in my broken land.

i feel shallow.

i'm a streetlight.

watching my colleagues make something of themselves, create dreams from ashes, find love in the darkest of places, travel around places they've only pictured on their heads.

and i'm here.

right where i left me

after four years of secret for the mad(s), 6/10s, butterflies, keep your head up(s) and fight for it(s),

i'm still here.

right where i left me.

our canadian tourist visa application was rejected, fita's student visa was rejected twice and sara's pr was refused on top of she'll be out of work in a month's time.

what a fucking year.

i feel uplifted.

i am drowning in hopes of wanting to give up.

i'm spending four years with deltek this year.

who would have fucking thought.

joke's on 2019 me who was laughing about me actually hypothetically reaching five years in a job i didn't even love.

fucking funny.

never got promoted tho, i didn't get into that ladder.

i was on a running spree on the fucking bottom.

hah. on the other side of the coin, at least my boss is a good bloke.

oPtiMiSm

i thought with twenty-five barely right past me, i could have started law school.

but then with sara going out of an job my july and fita's student visa getting rejected.

i actually went and applied in plm.

took the test last 8th of june.

idk if i'll pass that.

if i dont, another fucking loss.

and if it happens, by then, i can stop whining about, "i could have started studying this year" and go on with "you can't lose what you never had"

my poor fucking ego tho.

i'm still working out on finding a peace of mind of having to settle.

i can't resign, hold off dreaming for another year.

hold off wanting to rest for a while.

i'll be fucking twenty seven next year.

rafa’s been unwell the whole time i was twenty five and he’s retiring soon.

what the absolute fuck.

my brain has rotten. i search for words and i always come up with nothing.

i have gotten profoundly fluent at cursing, however.

i say fuck like it's a breath of relief.

say 'pota' like it has always been part of my vocabulary.

somewhere in across the distance, i can see pre-twenty year old jaenen, frowning in disgust, asking "what happened to you? to us?"

well, fucker. you are now the graceless adult you have always thought you'd be. perhaps, even fucking worse. you are the fattest you've ever been. you're still single af. you're broke. you haven't figured life at all. you breakdown like it's part of your routine. and you have nothing to be proud of. your family's healthy though. that counts a lot.

ha.

goodbye, twenty-five.

you absolute, fucker.

cheers to it's going to be alright(s), and it's going to be okay(s)!

and you wonder,

will it ever really get better?

ganon talaga

07 October 2022; 3:52 AM

i found out from kathleen that they wouldn't be able to keep me in deltek when i move to canada.

i mean, i had it coming.

i knew it was 99.9999999999999999999% bound to be fruitless

and yet, the miniscule part of me hoped

because i needed this.

we needed this.

this could have helped our family.

the years have been tough.

albeit, not as tough as others have it.

and so, like it always is, this wasn't meant for me.

ganon talaga

i hate that i hoped.

i hate that i let myself down.

i hate that it's not meant for me.

i hate that it's 'ganon talaga'

all the victories i needed, i never had.

the big ones.

the one that matters more.

the gamechanger.

the breakthrough.

none.

and it's tiring to lose.

it's tiring to feel bad about feeling bad.

count the positives, right

i still have it better

and it's true.

i have no idea why this is so heartbreaking for me when i've always known it wasn't gonna work out.

it's the hope.

it's the hope that kills you.

i'll get over this.

like i always have.

ganon talaga.

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