The Little Nicolette

hello! this blog will be as random as it can be—a bit personal, but predominantly erratic and nonspecific (random, if that's how you want to call it). i hope you find something fascinating here. if you didn't, it's still a pleasure to share these things of wonder and all sorts (in black and white) to you - love, nicolette

[thelittlenicolette]

I am smart, kind, and beautiful. I am strong and estimable. But most of all, I am who I am. The one who is capable.

— Nicolette

[thelittlenicolette]

It'll Hurt A Little Less Than Before, I Hope

At some point and in some way, I feel like mom is carrying both grief and regret since dad passed—it's normal for any of us but I think hers is heavier. All these years, she may feel as though she is liable for his untimely demise but it's not her fault. I don't know how to tell her that it was fate's design, God's plan for dad and for the rest of us that remained. She was mad at the doctors for dad's passing but, I think, she was mostly mad at herself for making all the decisions that ultimately led to that. It must've been extremely difficult for her to decide and suffer and grieve quietly and alone. She had to do that because who would? Who could? No one because she was the only one strong enough to do so.

Dad knew that things will be okay if he left because mom was and will be there to rescue and nurture us. I hope mom knows that dad was never mad at her, in fact, he was more proud of her and relieved that he will not be a burden anymore. Of course, we never thought of him as a burden but he did to himself. So, wherever he is, I hope he's happy and safe, and I hope he tells mom in her sleep that she doesn't have to worry anymore because things will be better not so so so much but it will heal and hurt a little less than before.

[thelittlenicolette]

I'll Still Play the Character

One question. How do you stop the restless mind from thinking of thoughts, the darkest ones? Note: dark, not evil. These thoughts would mostly become the reason for my worst nightmares, my incapacity to function, and my repressed emotions. It's heavy and, sadly, it gets heavier as it prolongs being left unspoken. if you were to ask me "why not tell?". Well, it's not easy, especially, if I often regard my feelings as a burden to me and to others for that matter—that is only one of the profusion of reasons I have in mind. Bottom line: I just can't. I'm tired but I'll still play the character for as long as I can—I need to.

[thelittlenicolette]

I experienced something wholesome today, twice.

One FoodPanda delivery guy stopped before the pedestrian lane and signaled those behind him to halt so that this one lady could cross the road safely.

One policewoman assisted an aged lady by writing and executing the things to be done to register for the nat'l ID. This gesture eased the aged lady's process of transaction.

Serendipity is simple but beautiful.

[thelittlenicolette]

She Deserved Better

When I was in Grade 4, I met and got close to this one girl in my section. Well, I'm quite unsure if we were really that close since the only time I do get a chance to talk to her is during our computer class in the computer lab. She was right in front of me everytime and this made me notice how she does not fix herself much. Though her look was nothing out of the ordinary, being the "kikay" me, I wanted to spice up her appearance just as so she could stand out more and feel confident about herself. Gladly, it worked.

Fast forward to the current times, things changed drastically. The hierarchical system among students got worse, I guess. In turn, we less likely spoke to each other unless it was academically related. The thing was, she became a victim of unkind jokes and all sorts of ridiculousness, which made her isolate herself from the crowd. I can't blame her.

Despite all the things she experienced, including unexpectedly losing someone dear to her (which also turned matters difficult for her financially, disabling her from pursuing her wildest dreams or let alone, acquire her sincerest wants), she remained headstrong and continued to pursue something she really loved—the arts. She is talented, and I hope someone would look into that more in lieu of picking on her and her flaws.

I am guilty, honestly, guilty of being unable to become that same old person I used to be during those times when she needed a little boost, someone who saw her beauty and talent; guilty of being influenced by the standards and the hierarchy.

If truth be told, she is an inspiration, a reminder that things may not be okay but it will pass by eventually. I just hope she knows that she deserved better, and that she deserves all the good, no, scratch that, the best things in this crazy and cruel world. So, wherever you are, I hope you're doing well.

[thelittlenicolette]

I'll Get There, Right?

I have dreams, several. in fact. No, seriously, I have them. I just don't how to reach them. Regardless, I'll still try. I have and need to, just not for me at this point because honestly, I'm exhausted and uncertain of where I'm heading.

But then again, I'll try for them—my mom, my sister, my brother, and for the people who I'll be showering with happiness and love, the genuine ones. I hope I'll be able to make them happy and proud. I'll get there, right?

[thelittlenicolette]

I would rather die saving lives than to be saved knowing someone died because of or for me.

[thelittlenicolette]

When someone on Tiktok said "I lost myself trying to please everyone but now, I'm losing everyone trying to find myself", I FELT THAT.

[thelittlenicolette]

Introspection amid isolation would've been much better and somewhat easier if people around you would make an effort, even just the slightest bit, to understand what you're going through.

[thelittlenicolette]

13 Little Blue Envelopes & The Last Little Blue Envelope - Maureen Johnson

I'm not much of a reader, honestly. In fact, I can never finish a single book without being fazed by external forces of some sort. Maybe because I find some boring or maybe reading and I will never correspond. However, there's a particular book series that just made me forsake my phone for quite some time, that is 13 Little Blue Envelopes and The Last Little Blue Envelopes, written by Maureen Johnson.

I'm quite unsure but do readers also imagine faces or hunt celebrities that fit the characters' description? Or is just me and my silly brain? Regardless, no one stopping me from sharing who I'd like to be Ginny Blackstone, Keith Dobson, and Oliver Davies. I can't exactly find a face for Aunt Peg, David, and other supporting characters, sadly, and the only guy I could think of for Richard is Tom Hiddleston. Nonetheless, I think I did a job well done, sort of. Reminder: These are only my preferences of which do not reflect the book nor the author.

Deva Cassel as Ginny

Louis Partridge as Keith Dobson

William Franklyn-Miller as Oliver Davies

Please don't come at me. I just enjoyed reading the series amid imagining it was them. Ms. Johnson, fans need a movie or series. It's such a good book, one I can relate to in most, if not all, aspects.

[thelittlenicolette]

"You were always there when I look back". I know you're still there but why is it that I can't see you? I want to see you, feel you, hug you, and do all the things we did together when you were still here, dad. Nevertheless, it's okay for as long as you are free and happy up there.

[thelittlenicolette]

Marcia Clark Investigates the First 48

This particular TV series is pretty riveting as you get to discover information beyond what has been publicly disclosed and evaluated. I don't know, maybe it's just me who's extremely engrossed by this one but giving it a shot won't hurt. Unfortunately for me, it only airs on the Crime + Investigation channel here in the PH. I'm quite unsure of where to watch it online but, fret not, there's a Spotify Podcast (which I haven't tried listening to but it sounds promising) of the show consisting of the investigations' summaries and other pertinent details.

If you are interested, you are situated in the PH, and you have a C.I. channel, check this link to know when the show airs on TV: https://www.clickthecity.com/tv/network/crime-investigation/ This is also the link to its Spotify Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/74BOnpdVi19XPcgmseB04Z?si=-lsMgx0-Qlu-nCwgsm7BzQ If you have A&E or your TV provider supports such, then you may watch this show there too. Enjoy!

[thelittlenicolette]

Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire.

Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code

[thelittlenicolette]

We fear what we don't understand.

Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code

[thelittlenicolette]

Personally, I do not prefer listening to music amid studying sessions as it will only cause confusion and distraction which will ultimately disable me to render work properly. However, when I do want to hype myself up after a long while of writing essays and reading articles, I would often play the following songs;

From Now On, The Greatest Showman

Breathe, Lauv

The Truth, James Arthur

Someone to You, Banners

If I Didn't Have You, Banners

Won't Let Go, Black Match

Take Me Home (Acoustic), Cash Cash Ft. Bebe Rexha

The aforementioned songs suit the "happy ending vibe", and like what I've stated previously, they just hit different—giving me all sorts of ineffable emotions.

[thelittlenicolette]

BANNERS · Song · 2021

There’s really something about songs that sound like you’ve just reached your happy ending. They just hit different because at one moment, you find yourself laughing and dancing along the music, and then thereafter, you’re sobbing as you’ve finally felt the freedom and happiness the song wants you to feel. 

[thelittlenicolette]

I always get to where I'm going by walking away from where I have been.

Winnie the Pooh