Sometimes we acknowledge words such as these without fully understanding their meaning.
Years ago, a bad relationship had taken a toll on my confidence - if I was prettier, smarter, funnier, better etc etc etc…. I’d rebuilt my confidence somewhat, not 100%, but returning to being fun and sassy.
A d type reached out… we became friends immediately and progressed into more. My self confidence had attracted him to me. He built on that, he built me up so high, so very high… I was now beautiful, fun, silly, caring, smart— I was so many good things in his eyes, and I lived up to all of them. I was a great catch again, and He was everything amazing with these fabulous rough edges that smoothed only with me.
We were blissfully happy, had amazing chemistry, found peace in each other, we potentiated each other, we were better individuals together- everything it’s supposed to be in this life. We became real world within a few months, we met for a public date, followed quickly by private ones. I was so dang confident - shocking and teasing him because i knew that I was beautiful to him.
We kept our relationship private. My page said “owned”, but not by whom cuz in the land of tumblr- I’d learned my lesson with some of these women only wanting men who were involved- but that’s a story for another time… he explained why he’d not changed his description, it was not a great reason in my mind, but ok. This added a tiny bit of insecurity- but maybe it was just me being crazy…
Just like so many others, I find new blogs to follow using the notes. I saw his reply on a friends post - naturally, I looked at other posts she’d made, and found more - nothing awful, just emojis. I brought it up, reminding him how we initially met and the look on his face was “holy crap, you’re right”… Add a whole scoop of insecurity here please, but he’s already become so much of my world, we have plans for a future… and maybe I’m overthinking this.
Later, a different mutual, his reply “beautiful”… a knife to my heart… two scoops of insecurity please and thank you — somehow, this is my fault, I’ve let him down, but I have the heart and soul he loves, that has to mean something— I will do better, be better for him.
*poof*ghost* But thank God, he’s safe— I see him in the likes and replies of others. Just be patient… oh, and another bowl of insecurity please and thank you…
He returns with continued likes and replies on the blogs of other women’s pics— Keep quiet, don’t rock the boat or he will leave again… just grab another bucket of insecurities please.
Inappropriate conversations with others, yeah that happened.. another couple buckets of insecurity should help.
*ghost*return*Continued likes and replies. Yes, he knows it all hurts me, I told him—but maybe if I can just be less needy, be more of the things he likes about me… mentioned I’m great at forgiving others and blaming myself?
Ok, so I don’t look like any of those girls, but the chemistry is still off the charts when we are together - and men call cars beautiful that they have no actual intent of buying or test driving, so ok- they are beautiful and I look like a wrecked Mazda compared to them, but they don’t have my heart… oh no, but what if they do? Let’s add a dump truck of insecurity .
Oh, and there’s that one muscle car. He never misses any of her selfies…never. He never misses her “good night” post… she’s gorgeous. Let’s get another dump truck of insecurity over here please.
How many pics of me has he liked? Three. In all our years together, only three. Once, I sent him a selfie, l had watermarked it with His blog name in hopes he would make it his pinned picture—he had said he was proud of me, but I guess just not quite that proud. Another dump truck over here please.
One of my selfies that he liked was just last week. I’d honestly posted it trying to get his attention. I asked if he would prefer I take it down. “I have no preference”… Immediate death for a submissive, his indifference. Just be quiet or you will annoy him, don’t say anything… just add more insecurities, that should help.
Did I also mention He was committing every single sin my D before Him had committed? That during our friendship I’d told Him everything - that I’d provided the roadmap to follow for my destruction?
Sometimes, I can be silly and bold because I know it’s what he’s attracted to, and I want so badly for that to be enough. I know I’m not what he considers physically beautiful. I just look at him blankly now when he says that I am… that’s likely not the reaction he’d prefer.
Most often I’m the insecure, clingy, often crying myself to sleep submissive. I’m not very funny anymore, it’s hard to be fun, funny, or sassy when you’re terrified. It’s hard to be confident when you know you are not the girl he sees as beautiful. I behave, I do as I’m told, but I am always afraid.
Male, female, Dom, sub or vanilla… be mindful of your words and actions, assume your partner sees everything, consider how they will feel about those things - not only how they feel about you and the relationship, but how it makes them view themself, their value in your eyes, through their own… because we often see a lot more than you know…
When he was building me up, I reflected exactly who he told me I was… the thing is, now I also reflect exactly who he has told me that I am…
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