Welcome!

[thelovelysalem]

I would have stopped anytime you know that? I would have just gone back to me and being bubbly without actually saying anything important. I’m going back to shutting my mouth and keeping myself mine and omfg I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do any of that I’m sorry, I didn’t realize. You never meant for it to find me but I did. I’m done. Did you ever even like me or did you just like the way I loved you? How many months didn’t you love me? You’ll never see this and I’m never gonna tell you but I can’t fucking trust you anymore.

[thelovelysalem]

I can’t handle having you so involved in my life. especially after what I just saw and heard today and yesterday. I’ve never felt more replaced. And used. And just discarded. So I’m setting some fucking boundaries. You know what the best part of this whole thing is? I know. I saw it. And you think it’s no big deal but it is. So fvuk this shit. I can’t do it anymore. Not cut out, but extreme boundaries.

[thelovelysalem]

k

[thelovelysalem]

Sometimes I fucking hate my body. I hate how fat I seem to myself.

I hate that I have a chronic illness that causes me pain and I have to take strong daily medication for.

I hate that I go to the doctor constantly.

I hate how easily I get tired even in shape and running and working out daily. I hate that I get quiet and can’t mask when I’m flaring in front of my friends. I hate how my vision gets blurry and more unfocused if it’s been a long day.

I hate that I don’t wear my glasses because I feel ugly in them.

I hate how clumsy and ungraceful I am.

I hate the shape of my nose and all the sharp features on my face.

I hate how I act and my personality sometimes.

been in a flare for a couple days. Got mad. Will probably be taking this down. Idek

[thelovelysalem]

I don’t hate you. I’m not angry at you. Not even a little bit. I understand sometimes feelings and love can change and we can see that maybe things are different. I’m happy I wasn’t lead on. I am angry but that’s at myself. I hate that I gave you so much. I told you things I’ve never shared with anyone before. I let you see me in ways other people haven’t and will never. I hate that I saw a future with us together and wanted that with my whole heart. I hate that I gave you a part of me that I can’t get back only for you to decide you didn’t love me romantically not 2 weeks later. I hate that I told you exactly what I thought was hot and what I wanted and liked. I hate that I sent you photos and a video and gave you images that I can’t magically wipe from your head. I hate that even though I took things slow, and careful and waited until I felt like I trusted you with every part of me it still wasn’t enough to protect myself and protect you. I hate that I probably let emotion be louder than logic. I hate how fucking much I gave you of me. I hate myself for that so much. The thing I hate most of all though is that every time I see you and talk to you and do anything, all I’m thinking about is how much I wish we were still together and how much I wish I could turn off the romantic love. Maybe it’s not even anger. It might just be hurt. Of all the reasons to break up, not feeling romantic love after 7 months together and what happened just a couple weeks ago felt like a blow. It felt like I wasn’t enough. And you never meant it that way. I understand what you were thinking and how it wasn’t an easy decision. I know I’m being dramatic and just need to get over it. And I am. I’m getting past it. You’re my best friend. You truly are. You are one of the people who matter most to me in this world. I’m trying to figure out the new dynamic with you. I’m not angry at you, I don’t hate you at all. I’m hurt but you knew that. Those are my thoughts. I just needed to get them out of my head.

[thelovelysalem]

we have so many things to hate. We have so so many things to fear. There are more things to protest everyday. There’s more sins excused for the wrong reasons. Why do we choose to villainize love? Why do we disregard the most important aspect of the Bible and purposefully misinterpret it? Why are we hating on youth and people that can make a change? Love is love in any form. It doesn’t bother you directly, so it’s not your judgement. Put your energy to better use helping something that is a legitimate issue and not just a petty ‘it’s always been this way’.

[thelovelysalem]

You will never be too much for someone who can’t get enough of you, so give me everything about you.

[thelovelysalem]

I hope you know that you’re where I feel safe.

[foxes-in-love]

[thelovelysalem]

”I want a weighted blanket.”

“Ok? There’s some on Amazon.”

“But I want one that talks.”

“…?”

“And plays with my hair.”

“…so you want a girlfriend?”

“Yes. In particular, I want you.”

[thelovelysalem]

I love you. I can’t believe you are mine and I love you. This is different and I love it.

[thelovelysalem]

Ideal date idea: I cook and you sit and talk to me. Then we watch a cringey holiday romance movie and use the pick up lines on each other.

[thelovelysalem]

Ideal date idea: we just…exist. Leaning against each other or cuddling or laying together and letting the world exist without us in it for a bit. It doesn’t matter where, but preferably in a warm place with soft things. Floors work great too though if we are in our own little corner of the world.

[thelovelysalem]

Ideal date idea: We go for a hike in the fall with a coffee date and blankets afterwards.

[thelovelysalem]

Ideal date idea: baking cookies together while listening to old country love songs

[thelovelysalem]

to j and b No. I’m not mad at you. Don’t turn yourself into a victim. There are no victims here. No, I’m not mad. I’m sad. I’m mourning a friendship that I had cherished and sacrificed so much to, to only to wake up and realize that the only effort in it was my own. I gave my time, my patience, my energy, my love, my sanity, my humility, my self image, and my happiness to you. You gave your pain, your tears, your anger, your ‘teasing’, your insults, your hate, and your annoyance to me. I tried reaching out, to help you and to help myself, and I was used and left back on the shelf for another time. You have hurt me so badly and I know I won’t forget this for a long time. I love you, but I’m saying goodbye.

[thelovelysalem]

tw: attempted assault.

2 years ago: “I want to show you something!” Gullible. Naive.

“Ok! Let’s go!”

She grabs my wrist.

Down the hall. Into her dorm room. Door locks behind us.

I assumed she wanted to show me something she brought from home. Thats a normal thing for people to do at stay away camps like this one. You bring a cool thing to show off and become cool!

Instead of letting go, her grip on my wrist tightens. I’m suddenly aware of how small I am compared to her.

“You’re really pretty, did you know that?”

“Thank you?” It doesn’t feel like a compliment. It feels like a loaded gun.

“We’re alone.” I try to pull away.

“Please let go. What did you want to show me?” I asked, hoping to finish up in here and run back to my room.

Get out. My brain screams. No. She’s my friend. She won’t hurt me. Right?

She grins and looks me up and down. My whole body tensed.

“Come here. I want to teach you something.” Her free hand reached to my chest. I pushed it away.

“What are you doing? Stop!”

The hand on my wrist switched positions. She squeezed my neck. “Scream, and I push down harder.”

I could feel tears sliding down my cheeks. “Please. Please don’t!”

Her hand wandered my body. My chest. My shoulders. My stomach. Lower.

I couldn’t move. I was trapped by both fear and the hand still tight around my neck. What do I do? If I scream, chances are no one will hear me, and if they do, they wouldn’t care. There’s so much screaming in these dorms anyways. One more from a different emotion wouldn’t register.

I can only make out some of her words through my fear.

“You are so pretty. Your ex is missing out on you.”

My ex? She wouldn’t care. I mean, she would because she’s my friend but she wouldn’t-not the spiral I’m going on right now.

A hand slipped under my shirt, and I flinched. Her eyes went hard. Oh no. “You want this! Stop making this difficult, you whore!” She squeezed my skin hard enough to bruise. “You are so stupid!”

Her hand focused on my shorts next. Trying to take them off with one hand and slip a hand under.

I can’t breathe. Icantbreatheicantbreatheicantbreathe. I felt so trapped. My claustrophobia was not helping me right then. Silent sobs were shaking my body.

Her hand moved off my neck. Wiping my tears, she paused for a moment.

I took my chance. I yanked myself away and jolted to the door.

“No!” She grabs my shoulder and pulls me back. “Stop fucking fighting, you fuck!”

“Get away from me!” I screamed.

Somehow, I managed to get out of the room. It’s a blur now. She didn’t follow me.

My roommate isn’t in my room when I got back. I thanked God for that. All I can do is collapse on my bed and sob. The panic is rising. What if she tries again? What do I do? Can I get away again? What if I can’t?

My phone is next to me and I call my best friend, my ex, on autopilot. I don’t know why. Something told me she could help.

Taylor picked up on the first ring. “Hi Salem! How’s camp?”

I didn’t think this through. “Salem? Are you ok?” Her tone has changed. It’s her mother tone now. I almost laughed. She never uses that with me.

“I think I’m having a panic attack.” I answered through another sob. “Please help me.”

“Ok. Don’t worry, breathe. You’re safe. I’m here. You’re safe.” Her voice was softer now, similar to how one would talk to a startled cat. Little did Taylor know how unsafe I was.

“I need help. I’m sorry. I know you’re busy.” I begged.

“Five things you can see please?”

Taylor stayed on the phone until I could breathe and had stopped crying. Walking me through it, she didn’t ask a single question until she knew I was better.

“What happened?”

“I…don’t know. I just had a panic attack.” I lied.

“That’s scary.” Her tone says she knows I’m lying but is going to let it go. “Are you ok?”

“I think so.”

After we’d hung up, I laid on the bed.

I can’t go through that again. It’ll kill me. It is killing me right now.

Ok end of story. This is my story from when I was in 8th grade. The girl was in tenth. I’m in tenth grade now and I recently had to interact with my rapist, so this is on my mind and I needed it out. There’s a bit more to the story but this is what I was comfortable sharing. Thanks for reading!