I guess it's probably that time when I can look back at everything that happened and say, "Wow. That was a huge fucking mistake. I probably shouldn't have done that."
Up until this point I felt like the experience was okay overall, yeah he was pretty shitty at times and so was I, yadda yadda, but you know, hey, I should look at it as a positive experience. One I can learn from, grow from, and make my myself a better person to be with in a relationship in the future.
Now I am starting to see what everyone else had seen before. The layers unfold and continue to unfold, not just like an onion, that would be too simple, but almost like a treetrunk. So tough to get to the core. He's like that. So utterly manipulative, so utterly confusing, that it was impossible for me to logically think my way through it all. No matter what I did, I could always talk myself into not letting him go or why I should let him go. Taking advice from every which way. Parents, friends, counselors, adult allies.... All pointed to the same answer: I should break it off.
I fought them all. I fought them so hard. Because, well, I like to be right, don't we all? But I was so sure that I was. I was willing to take him and completely reshape him, force him to change who he was, so I could prove a point to everyone around me. That this relationship was a good one. This relationship was one that both of us fought for each other and were able to be successful with one another.
And it worked. It worked for about a few weeks. When he'd realized he was going to lose me, he held on so hard, claimed he'd do whatever I needed him to, as long as it meant that I'd stay. What did this involve, you might ask? Well, you know, holding my hand, paying more attention to me, not calling me a bitch, you know. The normal shit you're supposed to do when you're in a relationship that he couldn't even grasp. See the funny thing is is that he's from Alabama & watched his parents in a completely backward relationship. So what did he know about treating a girl right? He's young too, right? And a guy, I mean how much can we expect these dimwits to know? In the end, he had thought that these simple things, such as being loyal for instance, was a big thing and that he had sacrificed SOO much for me and I was the bad guy. It's not like I couldn't go down the list of shit that I've done for him, right? But don't we always love to play the victim.
I can't stop my mind from going over little, minute details. Things I could've done better. And not for him, but for me. I cast myself out to a harsh storm, so to speak, flapping about, getting picked up and thrown down in a continuous manner.
I should've done better for myself, keeping my guard up at all times and my knowledge clenched tightly to my chest so as to protect my heart.
theartofmadeline
amandla
gummygunk
dailybridgerton
turnnoffyourmind
tangentwithtanner
