The Milestone

This is a Project-based blog The story of Elisha Kormanov, a self-video'd biography up to the moments to the finale milestone she has been planning for a large portion of her life. She is recording these moments to ensure she carries through with the Milestone and to avoid re-arranging her schedule, which she has done so many times already.

[satans-flowers]

“I am painfully aware that I am no one’s favorite person”

— unknown (via there-will-be-violence)

[losttomyownself]

Hope is paralysing

[themilestoneends-blog]

It awaits

It's another day of not talking to anyone. I tried talking to friend last. Ivey which ended up in argument and I'm still hurting. They didn't like that I wanted their attention - and in all honesty, neither do I. I don't want to be demanding it, it would just be nice if someone cared about me, and it really feels like I am surrounded by people who don't really care for me. I think I care for them, but sometimes I'm not sure how I feel. I just know that I hurt. I wish I could end it now, but got about 18 months left before the deadline. Maybe if I push everyone away it will make it easier - though realising that this is a repeated thought of mine. That this task will be easier to fulfil if I am alone, completely alone and know that no one loves me. Maybe I should try starving myself to death like my uncle.

[0littlerebel0]

[xbloody-thighs-hollow-eyesx]

“I’ll never be good enough for anyone or myself. its fine, I’m fine.”

— xbloody-thighs-hollow-eyesx

[amaralanegra]

okay but have yall seen the video of the super patriotic dating simulator?

[blackmodel]

I CANT……THE THIGH GAP TOLD ME EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO KNOW TBH

[fatfreefiddlefaddle-deactivated]

I hate his timeline so much

[defydamage]

If I have to watch this with my own eyes I’m making the rest of you suffer.

[cil-confirmed]

I THINK ITS REALLY IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY WATCH THE POST-TRAILER CLIP ABOUT THE CREATOR - A MUSLIM WOMAN SATIRIZING THEIR EXPERIENCES WITH AMERICAN CULTURE AND ITS INTERACTIONS WITH ISLAM (AND THE FACT THAT THEY’RE DUMB ENOUGH TO THINK ISIS REPRESENTS IT) BECAUSE HOLY FUCK IT TAKES THIS ‘ALARMING BUT KINDA FUNNY’ VIDEO INTO ‘THAT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS’ TERRITORY WITH THAT NEW CONTEXT

[thetachibabe]

God this video is posed like a preview for a really bad chick flick for unhappy married women

[scientistclone]

Don’t stop before watching the post trailer scene, y'all!!!

[themilestoneends-blog]

SIRF18

Just watched La Tortue de Gauguin, and it gave me a peace that I haven't experienced about my end. Milestone 32 is definitely on its way now - the next SIRF will be my last and I know that now.

I wish I could have been good enough for Dupree, but meeting his dream girl has finalised that moment now. I have to end it before March 2020. I have to succeed and do this - I can't fail like I always have.

Fear is OK, it is normal. I will feel it in my final moments but it has to be done. I have to do this to make sure I don't ruin anyone. My existence will just bring pain to the people I love, and my current existence already causes them anguish. I wish I could be better, but this is the best I can give in reality.

[emilydb]

[silently-screaming-insidee]

People drop me so easily like I meant nothing to them. Am I really that worthless.

[broken-bentopia-deactivated2018]

I can feel the need to die growing stronger and stronger, I can’t fight it anymore I’m too tired I need to go I need this to be over

[to-be-dead-or-to-be-deactivated]

Me: maybe I’ll find my soulmate

My mentally ill brain: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? DID YOU FORGET THE NEWS?? YOU’RE GOING TO DIE FUCKING ALONE!!

[depresseddisneyprincess]

[youmatterlifeline]

[themilestoneends-blog]

Honestly not sure what made me think that If he couldn't love me, that he could at least love me as a friend. Think this text exchange says it all. I'm an idiot for trying and putting myself out there as a friend, I'll just get it thrown back in my face. And when that happens I have to make sure I am not emotional or show how I feel at all. This will just get me branded as a psycho or hysterical or "on the rag", whatever it is that men think women are when they are legitimately upset. I'm an idiot and I can't wait to die.

[themilestoneends-blog]

I'm feeling a lityle lost right now and alone. All my friends cancelled on me this weekend and then I found out two of them hung out together without me. It made me feel even more out of place, realising that even when I am away for long periods of time my friends still don't have time for me. I feel like a leech for just asking if someone is free to hang out. Anyway, see this 'True Home' test on Facebook and this was my result. Even with all the algorithms involved in this shitty thing, something I took for a joke has made me feel worse. I can't wait for 32 right now. Was so close to doing it last night but had to compose myself and remember that I had a milestone. These milestones stop me from doing it in my moments of madness. I don't want to do it for some shitty reason like having shitty friends.

[babyboy-dre]

Self harm is :

•making yourself sleep deprived •making yourself cold (not wearing warm clothes in the winter, sleeping without a blanket etc) •not eating •not drinking •eating too much •not looking before crossing the street •scratching •letting your skin be dry & break easily •picking at skin •over-exercising •substance abuse •over-working yourself •making yourself go out and do things even though you’re exhausted •putting yourself in anxiety-inducing situations (even if you have a choice to stay out of them) •triggering yourself •purposefully angering someone who you know will yell at you •entering relationships you don’t want to be in/being around people you don’t want to be around •having sex when you don’t want to •setting yourself punishments •not giving yourself time •not letting yourself spend time with the people you love & know will be good to you •yelling at yourself inside your head •pinching or bruising yourself instead of cutting •cutting •holding everything in even when you have the option of venting •over stressing •over thinking •staying in abusive relationships (friend wise or romantically)

STOP assuming that self-harm is visible and easy to notice. It’s NOT. Self harm isn’t always physical, it can be emotional, and mental as well

[i11a11i-blog]

tough truths

[vegan-ana]

I’m starting this one today. Wish me luck!