Searching for no one else besides my self.

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@themindofjhon
Searching for no one else besides my self.
I Work, Sleep, and Repeat. After work my back hurts, its getting worse every week. I need to go to the doctor. Today at work I had a bad spell. My chest felt extremely tight and it kind of hurt to take a deep breath. I ignored it and continued with work, not long after my heart was racing. The tightness had become overbearing and I had to go sit down in the office. My hands went numb and I began to shake. The tightness in my chest was over bearing and my heart felt like there was a knife in it. My manager, Reid, was about to call Boone and have him take me to the hospital. Reid got me a cup of water and I tried to slow my heart down. After about 10 minutes the spell was gone. I sat in the office and ate two pieces of pizza,I felt a little better but i eventually was sent home because they were so worried about me having another spell or what ever the hell these things are. Every other week for the past few months these "spells" keep on happening. What if I go to the doctor and something is really wrong, I mean this is my heart. You only have one.
My mind is racing, thoughts of the unspeakable are arising again. My father ignores my calls for help. My wallet being stolen has subsequently ruined my life. I work for the check that sits in my pocket telling me how much I have made. Useless! I hope who ever has my wallet fucking dies! You have stolen my fucking life, the life that is on the brink of its own demise. My friends don't even like hanging out with me. I don't like hanging out with me.
I want a feel but have no touch.
I can't sleep. Its a very common thing for me. The amount of electricity passing threw every neuron, it's driving me insane. I haven't wrote much, being, in latent terms "down on my self," I've seemingly lost the closeness with my best friend, brother more like. He has finally found someone he loves, deeply. We don't get to be hooligans anymore, running across town on our scooters at mid night for "taco hell." Hanging out with Krys and Kat, which is Krys's girlfriend, I've seen what true happiness looks like. I get to see them hug and kiss. It's really special you know, to know that your brother has finally found someone he loves with all his heart. This boy would do anything for her, and does everything for her. Sometimes it gets to me. To see such genuine love and compassion, It just hurts sometimes to see it. Because it's like im looking at you and me. I want this to stop bothering me, it's been almost a year. It needed to happen, I know. You are so much better with him. I've made some progress lately though. Im getting my old job back, everyone there has missed me. Im turning to writing again, to myself, or on here. My fingers just glide across the keyboard, spelling out sentences and paragraphs of stuff I think about, poetry, things i just want to type out and delete just to drag them out of my head and unto this screen. You know, I really think from here on out things will get better. Just something tells me everything will work out, all the parts of this radical machine in my head will work together again. See that maybe you have to hit rock bottom to really appreciate this life, and all it gives you, and can take away from you. Tell me when you read this. Thank you for still being here for me.
The genuine, The sincere, The passionate, The pure, The sensation of love. Jesus knows I dream of it. The past. The forever and ever, could never last.
Everything has fallen apart since you left me.
I cant feel anything right now.
The warmth of my own blood going down my leg. I only lasted a week.
The day was productive. I could keep my mind busy.
Black bird, Perched upon my hood, Getting into the car, You just sit there, Staring at me as I turn the key, Putting it into reverse you fly away, Odd.
I almost got into a car accident. I thought about pressing the throttle down into her car.
This face is fake. I pretend to be this. I distract my self, from the thoughts, from the temptations. Pretending to be okay is failing more and more. The cliff, miles away, now just a few steps from the edge. The thoughts of suicide are a weekly now.
The wind. It keeps shifting, blowing me around up here, side to side, back and forward. Just one good gust please.