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Salamualikum, I feel so embarrassed for saying this but I have fallen in love with this boy and we have been going out for a yr and 3 months. I am no longer with him and I am repenting for what I have done, I committed a very big sin and I am very guilty of it. But he hurt me wet badly, he said wallahi he will ne'er hurt me, wallahi he will always care for me and he said wallahi he will never leave me. He insults me very badly and swears at me and talks bad to ppl about me, he wants to move on

Wa Alaykum Assalam,

Why are you embarrassed? If mistakes were not a part of life, then you would not be allowed to repent. The fact that you are aware that it was wrong is a good place to start, as it allows you to sincerely reflect and improve yourself. Unfortunately, what he said and what he did were contradicting. It is unfortunate that he did this, and that is not right of him. However, it is important for you to distance yourself from him. If his intentions towards you are not well meant, then he will continue to hurt you. If he wants to move on, then make it your goal to move forward.

Take this time to focus on yourself, one step at a time. I know it is not easy, but you have to keep him as part of the past. Your heart will continue to become more attached to them, the closer you are. Try to detox. Delete his number from your phone, take him off your social networks, throw away the things that belong to time, and do not let him move forward with you. You deserve better than to me sworn at and disrespected. If he was meant for you, he would respect you. I know that I’m telling you one thing, but your heart is telling you something else. However, this is temporary. The moment you let go, is the moment that things will get better. You will never find out though, until you loosen the rope and let go.

-TMT

Hello, I was molested as a child by my female relatives, I'm a female myself! I never told anyone because nothing was there to be done.. As I'm growing up I started getting inappropriate disturbing thoughts whenever I see the opposite gender! I tried to compare myself to many of my friends, non seem to be like me. I see myself as a good Muslima, I always to stay away from men and never talk to them. Thank you

Assalamu Alaykum,

Have you thought about speaking to someone about this? I don't mean a friend, or your parents, I mean a counselor or a therapist. What you experienced is quite traumatic. It was not your fault, and the thoughts you are getting as a result of the molestation are a result of the trauma, There is no need to compare yourself to your friends, as you are your own individual. Don't doubt that you are a good Muslima, sometimes life puts us in circumstances that we have limited to no control over. My suggestion would be to speak to someone, because I feel as if you have held this in for very long. There are many techniques of therapy that could be offered to help you control your thoughts, and to firstly help you come to terms with being molested as a child. It was not right, you did not deserve it, but now it is time for you to be able to grow from it and not let it control you. You deserve to have that control over your life.

-TMT

(Cont). regarding the distressed individual. Could you please give any advice as I think there is a mental issue here not an islamic evil eye problem. Also may I add, the person is highly religious and absolutely enjoys reciting the Quran, he/she recently joined a 'madrasa' Quran school- to continue with recitation has there was a hold due to university. I think it could maybe be the shaytan playing tricks as he/she is constantly reading the Quran. He/she literally reads all day as pleasure.

Wa Alaykum Assalam,

I feel as if this goes past evil eye and having Quran recited over the person you know. What they need is professional help. Mental disorders need proper treatment. Right now, they are going untreated. This does not mean they are not a good person, everyone is given trials. However, they should get the proper help in order to become better and conquer their disorder. Being mentally ill is sometimes a result of genetics, or past trauma. Not receiving help is a cultural stigma, not a religious one. Rather than coming up with assumptions, set up an appointment with a professional for them and get them the proper help they deserve. If they are dealing with psychosis, they might need advanced help that is not being offered to them. Everyone needs proper peace of mind, and they are not void of that. Look up the nearest psychotherapist or psychiatrist, and begin the process. This is not something that should be delayed any further.

-TMT

As salaamu alaykum I have a question regarding someone I know. This person is highly distressed, very paranoid, overthinks everything, extremely negative, sees absolutely no positivity in life and completely overanalyses anything and everything. The person has had Quran read on them and they have become better, apparently it was evil eye. However now the person is going back to their distressing ways. The person claims that the mind is playing tricks, and is constantly crying. Any advice ?

Part 1

How do I know if i'm good enough. I really like this muslimah but i don't want to ask for her hand in marriage because i know that she deserves someone far better than me.

Wa Alaykum Assalam,

Brother, why are you doubting yourself? I find it humbling that you are doing it correctly, by asking for her hand in marriage. If your intentions are correct, then the best will happen. You would not be considering her, if you did not feel that there would be possible potential for a future. You never know if you never try. Down the line, you do not want to have regretted not asking for her. The fact that you believe she deserves someone better than you shows that you have respect for her, and that is a positive way of thinking. What you have to do is focus on improving yourself. There are certain things you know you can become better at, and this is your time to work on them.

While the pens have been lifted and the ink has dried, duaa has potential to change things for the better. Make sincere duaa. Wake up for tahajjud and pray that Allah (Swt) will give you the best of the best. Pray that if she is right for you, she will come quickly, and if she is not, then she will go quickly. Ask Him to give you peace of mind, and to make this process an easy one for you. Wake up for Salatul Duha and do the same. If you really want something, you pray for it. You have faith in God's plan that He will take care of you, and you do what is possible to make it happen. If it is not her, then you have paved the way for Allah (Swt) to send you someone better. Be confident in the fact that your intentions are well meant, and your duaas are sincere. Don't doubt yourself. When you are interested in someone for marriage, consider them for the fact that they will bring you closer to your Creator. If she has that potential, then make sure you're up and praying for it.

-TMT

salaam how can i forgive and forget? i mean sincerely forgive someone? i find myself still getting mad about things that happened years ago and even if the person apologized for hurting me i'll still bring it up or just think about it and blame them for it....

Wa Alaykum Assalam,

If you want to forget, you have to learn how to forgive. Before you do that, you have to learn how to not hold grudges. The people that hurt you and you have not been able to sincerely forgive, seem to be people that were very important to you. So, you probably built up an expectation of who you thought they were. You doubted that they would ever hurt you, so you did not include it in the expectation. Once they hurt you, you were shocked and disappointed. The shock takes a while to wear off, as does the disappointment. It would probably help if you did not have expectations of people when entering friendships. If you do have expectations, try to limit them. It might help you to recognize them, and to understand that sometimes people do not fulfill the expectations you have of them.

Two things: Eliminate expectations. This will not happen over night, but it does require awareness in order for it to decrease within time. Also, holding grudges. It affects you more than it affects the other person. Sometimes, they are unaware of it. In order for you to not hold grudges, you have to let go of that which is burdening your heart. If you feel as though someone is not contributing positivity to your life, limit your interaction with them. Focus on your well being, and focus on your intentions. Make it your goal to do what you can to improve your intentions. In this case, that would be letting go of grudges and not having expectations that people cannot fulfill. In doing so, you will then be able to forgive. There are certain things you should forget, and there are certain circumstances that serve as wise reminders that should not be forgotten. You could be the judge of which to keep, and which to let go of.

-TMT

Aslamualaikum, i am married with 2 children my eldest being 2. I am having problems towards my partner. We fight everyday, and we talk to each other with hatred. As our marriage was arranged. I tried to develop love for him but I could not it has been 3 years since our marriage and I still am not attracted to him I am comfortable when he's out of the house. We have had fights and I want a divorce but for my children I am too scared to take that step. Nd I have very unsupportive relatives

Wa Alaykum Assalam wa Rahmatullah,

While divorce is allowed, you should try to do what you can in order to avoid having to go down that route. It appears as though you do not really have the desire to want to love him, after trying and not feeling much towards him. I do believe that it is important for you to have sessions of marriage counseling with him, since you do have two young children with him. Communication does not appear to be there between you two, but I might be mistaken. It is important that you try to build communication, and do what you can, for the sake of your children. Since I do not have much details regarding your relationship, my advice would be to set up post-marital counseling with your nearest therapist or Imam. While the marriage was arranged, it does not mean that there is no possibility for love to be developed. If you feel as if you did not grow to love him after you have tried, and after you have gone to marital counseling, then look at your other options. The beginning of marriage is not as glamorous as Hollywood makes it seem. The fact that you have not been married for two long and already have three children, makes it difficult for you and him to properly communication. Rather than dropping what has been broken, try to fix it. Do what you think is best after trying and realizing that it is not able to be fixed. Do not rush your actions though, you might end up regretting divorce if you act too quickly.

-TMT

salam alaykum, pls is it okay by islamic injunctions to speak with (towards marriage) my sister inlaw's first cousin?i'm confused here as i'd appreciate clarification...

Wa Alaykum Assalam Wa Rahmatullah,

Are you asking if she or he is permissible for marriage? If that is the case, I do not see why they would not be. It is not haram to marry your own first cousin (it isn't highly recommended, but it is definitely not haram), what would make it haram to marry someone that is related to you only by marriage?

If you are asking if you are allowed to speak to him or her for the purpose of marriage, then it is okay as long as it is limited. It should go through the parents, and the meetings should be initiated with the parents presence, to make sure that it is respected. That is what is approved Islamically.

-TMT

As-salamu Alaykum. Im having family problems. I cant get along with my sibling nd my mom. like if they say sumthin mean I get easily hurt nd i wsnt like this but know i show them attitude, scream bcus i know its nt entirely my fault. then after im jus filled guilt nd sadness. I wish had sabr i try but i keep failing they do get on my nerves. its like no one in this whole world jus understands me.

Wa Alaykum Assalam wa Rahmatullah,

I don't know what you are going through aside from this, but it is possible that you have other struggles that are causing some transference. It could also be that you are going through puberty, or trying to discover who you are. It could be that no one in this world understands you, but your Creator does. The next time something of this sort happens, it would benefit you to possibly think before you feel and act. Immediately reacting is not always beneficial, and in your case, it is causing more harm than good. Write down why you are upset, and how their actions make you feel. Do not show them attitude or scream, instead you should breathe and collect yourself. Discuss it with them afterwards, and tell them why it upset you. It is completely normal to feel the way you do, and sometimes life just is not fair. However, that does not mean you have to make it more unfair. The way you respond to situations either empowers you or defeats your goal. It is on you to control your responses and deal with your family differently. In doing so, you will find a more positive union between you and them.

-TMT

salam alaykum warahmatulahi wabarakatuh, i've fallen in love with one who has a relationship (courting towards marriage). we've been friends even before she started this relationship and we both liked each other so much, but i had to school abroad so, our communication gap widened. now i'm back, we both talk daily, she confesses her love for me and viceversa but cant commit to me because she loves her partner. i've kindly asked her to ease ourselves but she's refused, pls whatdo i do?

Wa Alaykum Assalam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakato,

There are a few things you should consider, before you delve deeper into this love. Firstly, of course you are probably fully aware that it is not halal. She is speaking to someone with regards to marriage, while also building a bond with you through the back door. This has not started on a good note, which might give you a hint as to how it will end if you do not end it yourself.

There is also the risk of her getting caught, which would make the both of you look bad. It would also affect both of your reputations. Reputation is very important, as even the Prophet (Pbuh) took good care to make sure his name was respected.

If she has not committed to you from now, what is it that is making you hold on? The issues you are experiencing now are only a sample of the issues that will take place once you are married. Take this as a Rahma (Mercy) from Allah (Swt), and protect your heart.

Her refusal does make her inconsiderate. She is risking your heart, and the heart of the man that is courting her. He does not deserve to suffer, and you do not deserve to suffer. However, since you are aware that what is happening is wrong, then it is on you to pull yourself out of the equation. This equation will not come out with a positive answer if you continue to speak to her.

She might be attached to you, but you deserve the love of someone that can give you their all. What she has with you is a secure attachment, she can come to you for comfort and someone to talk to as she pleases. She probably fears losing that attachment, because it is something she has gotten very comfortable with. Is that fair to you? No, it is not. It is on you to cut off the connection with her, and work on strengthening your heart. Look at what will make you happier in the long run, not momentarily. As difficult as it might be to believe, Allah (Swt) will send you someone with the correct intention, along with the ability to be dedicated solely to you. Remember your worth, and recognize that your goal is to marry someone that will help you achieve permanent happiness (both in this dunia and the hereafter).

-TMT

What do you think of a Muslim man marrying a Christian woman.

Assalamu Alaykum,

It really does not matter what I think. They are considered halal to be married to, as they are Ahlul-Kitab (The People of the Book). I do believe that a Muslim man going in marrying a Christian woman, should have the intention of introducing her to Islam for the benefit of their children. He should also discuss with her the influence it will have on their children, and that they should be raised as Muslims. The Prophet (Pbuh) was married to Maria Al-Qibtiya (Maria the Coptic), and through his kindness and love, she became Muslim. He also married a Jewish lady, Safiyah Bint Huyyay, and she also converted to Islam. This tells us that a man is capable of marrying a Christian woman or a Jewish woman, aside from obviously being allowed to marry a Muslim woman. However, I do think the intention should be well meant and positive.

-TMT

Assalamu Alaykum, One of my family members is going through something. Don't exactly know what it is. But she took like 7 Tylenols and survived al Hamdulillah. I don't know but I also saw some cut marks on her arm. I don't know what to do. I'm freakn out. Please get back to me fast.

Wa Alaykum Assalam,

She is clearly going through something very traumatic, and probably has nobody to turn to. If you noticed it, the best thing to do is offer her your support. Tell her that you feel as if she is tired, and that you are there for her if she needs anything. Check up on her daily, message her often, and hang out with her as much as you can. It is great that you noticed this, because this is an indirect call for help. She survived the suicide attempt (taking the 7 tylenols), now what she needs is emotional support. Please do not be judgmental of her, and only offer your support. Let her know that she has people that care for her.

-TMT

Assalamu Alaykum Wa Rahmathullahi Wa Barakatuh My relative is having chest pain and doctors have said that she has anxiety as all her tests related to the heart are clear Alhamdullillah. Doctors have given her anti depressants to help, but she is hesitant to take them, she does her salah, duas and Quran however this health issue is worrying her so she has no concentration in her salah and Duas. Any advise for this sister in shaa Allah. Jzk khairun Katheera.

Wa Alaykum Assalam Wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakato,

If her circumstances are debilitating and she is at the point where she cannot function properly, taking anti-depressants are okay for her to take. She is human. There are so many stories of our Prophets and the struggles they went through. They went through very trying times, some of which were depressing. It is okay to have anxiety and depression. Circumstances and situations in life cause that. Some people are not as strong as others, and they need the help to get better. Allah (Swt) wants us to take care of ourselves, and to improve our conditions. He will not change our conditions until we change what is in ourselves. In her case, if the doctors have prescribed anti-depressants, then they might benefit her. If her situation is worsening, then she should not let herself go.

You could be a very good Muslim, but still struggle with a mental illness. Contrary to cultural belief, the two are not an oxymoron. We live in a world that is not always fair, and sometimes it is important that we take extra care of ourselves. If it is affecting her salah and Duaas, then she should pray Istikhara and if she feels that taking the anti depressants will benefit her, then she should try them out. She is in my prayers.

-TMT

I am having trouble in my marriage because I want sex more frequently than my wife does. I have expressed my needs to her but we doesn't feel loved with my actions. Sometimes I resort to masterbating which is haram. I don't know what to do, it is hard meeting her half way because I keep making mistakes over and over again that upset her which makes her feel un loved.

Wa Alaykum Assalam,

My main focus is the communication between you and your wife. You two are clearly not on the same page, as you have not come up with what works for the both of you when it comes to intimacy. If you want to have a successful intimate life, you have to first have a successful friendship. Have you tried getting to know one another better? It might benefit you to go out on dates, and see what the other likes. Look at what makes both of you comfortable. Do not rush sex. I understand that it is important, but there is something more important: your relationship with your wife. It might benefit you to romance her and make her feel good. Since you are aware that you are making mistakes that upset her, then work on improving them. If she is doing something that upsets you, kindly let her know. Talk to each other, rather than at each other. Listen to what the other person has to say, and apply it.

Make her feel loved. The Prophet (Pbuh) once said, "Tahadu Tahabbu." This means that gifting each other will increase your love for one another. It could be a very simple gift like a piece of chocolate or a rose, but it can end up earning her heart. The problem is your communication. Make her feel loved, and she will do the same. I will also recommend couples counseling, as it will help you properly communicate with one another.

-TMT

Is writing fiction haram?

Assalamu Alaykum,

It depends on what you are writing about. You are responsible for the words that come out of your mouth, especially if others will read them and be influenced by them. Will they earn you deeds? Will they earn you sins? Focus on your intentions, and then focus on the benefits and the negatives.

-TMT

Selam! To make a long story short; was born muslim, though raised only muslim in the cultural manner. My father is an alcoholic who thinks wearing hijab is extemism. He can be really violent about it. Elhamdulillah about 1.5 years ago I started really reflecting upon my religion. I want to start wearing the hijab in this Ramadan. I don't fear my father, but I worry about my family because of how he might react. My mom told me to wait until I move. The dillema is killing me, what should I do?

Wa Alaykum Assalam!

Life can be tough, huh? Especially when it comes to wanting to do what is right, but not being able to do so due to oppressive circumstances. I pray that your father is guided, because there is hope for all. My recommendation would be to pray Istikhara for a few days. Do not rush into anything. Let Istikhara guide you, because it is a direct feeling/response from Allah (Swt) telling you what to do or what not to do. You have made the intention, and God knows what is in your heart. Your intention is very well meant, and you would do it in a second. Trust me, Allah (Swt) knows that. All that is left is that you pray Istikhara and see what your heart tells you to do next.

Do not stress. Your situation is temporary, and you will wear the hijab when the time is right. If it might cause harm to your family, then really think about it. Think about what might happen if you did, and sincerely pray that you are guided to the best outcome. I am here if you ever need to talk about it.

Take it easy. You will wear it one day, and insha'Allah it will be sooner rather than later. :)

-TMT

I am at a point in my life where the road ahead looks blank. I do not know where to go or what to do with my life. I am on the verge of graduating high school and have enrolled in college out of family pressure, but I am not sure what I want to pursue. I have tried evaluating my passions and interests, I come up blank. I am so deeply sad by this because I do not want to live existing. I want to do something with my life,however, I do not know what that is. I asked Allah, I am still waiting...

Assalamu Alaykum,

You don't know what you want to do, and that is completely okay. Why the rush? You have not graduated high school yet, and even if you have just graduated, you have time. You should not have to know exactly where your life is headed at this moment, let it unfold on its own. Invest in self-discovery. Rather than forcing yourself to evaluate your passions and interests, focus on getting to know yourself better. Do things that make you happy. Start by taking your basic courses, and then focus on the ones you really enjoy taking. You have two years to finish them, before you really have to settle on a major. You don't know what you want to do with your life, but you will find out. Enjoy exploring, because this is really your only opportunity to do so. We take that for granted, and we rush our lives. But really, life is meant to be well paced. Sometimes your answer does not come when you want it to, but when the time is right.

Allah (Swt) has heard your prayers, but recognize that He will guide you to what is right for you in the best manner. This might also take changing yourself a bit to be more relaxed.

Focus on your happiness and just being a good person. Do not stress yourself out. You're 18. Enjoy being young and wonderful.

-TMT

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