In caves, my blood, and in the stars, my brain

That blackness was sublime. I felt distributed through space and time... Eventually all my formatting fucks up so if you want to see my face (/me) photos I've taken (/mine) or songs I like (/music)

[thenblacknight]

My 30th Birthday

...was supposed to be fun. I didn't even have super high expectations (or so I thought) but so so many things went wrong that it was really hard to focus on the good stuff.

I feel like the worst part of it was everyone telling me to not let it ruin things. Not to cry. Not to be upset.

But then my emotional cup kept getting filled up higher and higher and eventually it spilled over.

I'm mostly upset because I spent so much time and money on something that was supposed to be fun and felt like the universe was conspiring against me. Even when things started to level out, i was paranoid more stuff would go wrong.

And it's just super sad to want to forget about these experiences because of the embarrassment and disappointment. I know that time will heal all and the bad stuff won't feel so raw in a couple months, but i'm still sad now.

[theriverbeyond]

i must not get takeout. takeout is the wallet-killer. takeout is the little-death that brings total obliteration. i will face the kitchen, fridge, and pantry. i will make choices about what to cook and then execute them. when hunger is gone there will be nothing. only i will remain.

[thenblacknight]

i was part of my high school's broadcast and i looked up old videos today. seeing myself 10+ years ago was a strange experience. especially since i remember i was judging myself so harshly over my appearance, over many things about myself. of course everything feels smaller and more insignificant with time.

but still.

i actually had the thought today while looking at myself, "wow i was kind of pretty"

and this is significant because at the time i didn't really think i was pretty.

there's something here that probably everyone experiences.

thinking you were one thing or one way when you weren't. and getting the perspective that only 10 years out could give you....10 years too late.

[hjarta-deactivated20260124]

how sweet is this 💛

[neenarchive]

i love you films without sequels i love you limited series i love you stand alone novels i love you self-contained stories

[boethiah]

no such thing as wasting your 20s your 20s are for recovering from whatever the fuck happened to you as a kid so that youre ready to get weird with it in your 30s

[lesbiskammerat]

i feel like it must be the height of luxury and decadence to be a kid sitting in one of those little trailers attached to your parent’s bike, being driven around like some kind of pompous miniature capitalist, relaxing with perhaps a small snack while your personal chauffeur takes you wherever you wish

[lesbiskammerat]

[boymiffy]

one thing i never get tired of in songs is when they include some sounds from the recording booth like a laugh at the end, a ‘was that good?’ or like, the sounds of the guitar being put down, a chair creaking. it’s nice how music can be used as an escape but also something that ties you right back down to earth. it will affect you so deeply & then ur like wow… you just played that. it’s grounding & magical & just one of my fave things ever!

[positivelyqueer]

There’s power in telling yourself ”no we don’t do that anymore” in response to self destructive urges.

[chessys]

no homo but that moment u step into a patch of sunlight and ur body had forgotten what it was like to feel warm.. im in love

[closet-keys]

“I think we have to stop asking that question [‘why didn’t you leave your abuser’]. I know that you’re asking it out of love, but I’m just gonna make a stance and say that I’m not gonna answer that question anymore. Because the question should really be, to the abuser: why are you holding someone hostage with abuse? You know? And people say, oh, it can’t have been that bad, because else she would have left. And it’s like, no, it’s *because* it was that bad that I couldn’t leave.”

— FKA Twigs, responding to the question of why she didn’t leave her abuser. (via closet-keys)

[suenyito]

never forget what green onion has done for you.. for all of us

[piginflames]

[cock-holliday]

I think it’s so funny when negative emotions cancel themselves out. I’ll be nervous about a presentation but I’m too tired to be nervous. Or you’re not in the mood to get something done but due date panic gives you motivation. You’re sleep deprived but something makes you mad and wakes you up. The brain is incredible. What a shit show.

[doggosource]

basically me everyday since march 2020

[thenblacknight]

I want what I can't have and as soon as I have it, it's too much and I don't want it anymore

[thenblacknight]

how much is too much crying