It is ironic how each day seems nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different. I woke up late again; a year ago this period makes me feel dehydrated, crippled, dying all day long. I’m yearning for something I tried to forget, but because of the same daft question they have always been curious of. I’m about to recall every single memory, still I don’t want to utter a word anymore. When she asks; my answer is no one, when he asks; my answer will be I don’t have, whenever they ask, I hope I have some name to say. Now it had been a year more, and finally I’m through with that scenario. I’m much busier with my studies, with my friends, and fond of being occupied with family events. I can enjoy life now, get pleasure from my real friends, I repeat, real and genuine friends. Friends who will never trade our friendship from another relationship. Once again, it was an expected scorching day, then someone texted me and said that Anj misses me a lot. Anj, she was my high school best buddy. But not anymore. This afternoon, I saw her far beyond the stairs and she was looking straightly at me. Until I looked at her too, she smiled hesitantly, I want to move a single muscle on my face but it remained numb. I felt guilty as I passed by. Several scenarios happened, she uttered my name but I walked faster and pretended that I don’t know her. It is not because I hate her, I just despise what happened before. Months have passed, I thought about accepting everything. Then a fine good sunday morning arrived, I feel like attending the holy mass, I seated at the back and had a glimpse of the people in my front. Anj is there, seating alone, she keeps on looking to my place but I tried to ignore even though it is hard. After the gospel, I did the first move, I went right next to her and hugged her as much as I could, everyone seems busy praying but they mind looking at us, she cried first, I felt bad for everything, she keeps on crying and crying without realizing that I also burst out of emotion. She utters all the possible sorry she could, but I don’t care about those words anymore, we wasted almost a year for this fall out. We both had a good sermon; we both waived our good byes. Now, I can really sense happiness and peacefulness. I’m glad that I have forgiven her, likewise, forgiven myself. My life appears to be lighter than ever, trying to accept every little thing. While seating on a black chair inside our class room, I never thought of having or dating someone, I’m almost contented with my friends, classmates and my family until this guy came to my monotonous life. We were both graduates of Holy Angel University, on my secondary years I was about to hear his name but I don’t remember a concrete idea of how he looks like. Then fortunately we were acquainted by some friends. At first, I treat him as a brother, brother alone, same way he treats me as his sister, until were fond of texting each other all day long, we even stay awake late in the morning just because of conversing about petty stuff. The coming days are unforeseen, and far from what I could imagine because if I do, I will tremble on my own feet. It started with a simple bet, around 2’oclock in the morning and it was the first day of the month of August, while he’s on the other line we just try to see who’ll sleep first then the consequences will be a plain treat outside the school and that’s it, we ate lunch together outside the school, we don’t mind if we are over exposed to people we don’t know as long as we laugh a real laugh, every after lunch while waiting for the dessert we always lend each other’s phone to check the messages in the inbox, sounds like a couple’s act, then he sings for me all night with my favorite songs, pretending that he has a good voice and that makes the effort counts, he even fetch me after class because he memorized my schedule, bring some baked cookies, what I like about him is when he walks beside me then he keeps on touching every strand of my hair, although my hair is tangled. And suddenly we realize that we want to spend our time together. Since then, I always go to school ahead of my class schedule because his class ends almost hours before my class starts, and we cherish every minute of it, even if I’m quite afraid of doing so. Another gloomy thing is, we can’t tell everybody what’s going between us, simply because we can’t even define our relationship at all. It is somewhat forbidden. And we should know how to live with that. The whole month of august is bountiful and blissful. I’m on the peak of my blossomed love life. This is something I never dreamt of, because this is beyond my dreams and I know it will turn into another nightmare that will keep me awake for a season. While walking with him, I met another high school friend, we had a little conversation and she asked me with the daft question I have been afraid of answering, I answered gratefully, I’m not committed with someone, but I somewhat enjoy his company with a dashing smile. J It is overwhelming to walk with the man you love most. Much overwhelming when he also does. But behind all the sweet memories of August, there is something serious lurking in those times. The month of September is coming, I feel different for this approaching month, and I already thought that everything will change again because of… the fear of being in love and falling in love. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past and that is Philophobia. I can risk myself for a whole month of love but nothing more, when I pursued dating with this man, I know that I can’t do my role as his long time girlfriend; I had enough within a month. I know this time will come and I should know how to end it, because it is not the first time it happened to me. On my way home, he insisted to go along with me, but I ignored his persistence. I want to think deeply, to think about reality that I can’t continue whatever we have. He keeps on texting, calling, and even tried to chat me on my account. There’s no single reply coming from me. Again, the guiltiness within me flourished. I cried; always cry because I know this will happen again. I commonly attend class late, and while walking along the corridor I saw a couple who held their hands tightly and as I approach in their way, the guy went on the other pavement and as the girl got near me and waives her hand, it’s Anj, and he is with Sonj, My ex-boyfriend. Who happened to be her boyfriend for two years, and also the same person who made me guilt ridden for a long time. We were together then, for a month also, we were happy and we enjoy each other’s company, when the time comes that he wants to be with me with the so called forever is the same time that I felt burden that I can’t go long with our relationship. If I will continue it, it will be his burden soon, I may not be his ideal girlfriend, and it will be hard for me to get out of it. I don’t want to be like my other friends who seem to be acting stupid with their relationships. Acting like it is the last relationship they could have. I don’t want to eat all the words I said before. I never want this to happen but I am much more afraid of being left by the one I love, that is why I should leave first. It may sound selfish but I am as well worried of what we will be happen, I think I’m not meant to have a romantic relationship with another person and just like before, I already ended whatever attachment I have with the guy whom I can’t name. Again, I tell myself that I’m contented, contented for having no one. My tomorrow will start again as ironic how each day seems nothing to change but when you look back, everything is different.
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