What the hell am I saying? Of course I am. And if anyone describes themselves' otherwise I congratulate you for being a realist. I envy your ability to see things for what they actually are. And in the long run, you are more mentally, professionally, and socially accepted into society. Such a pity that I could give a damn if society accepts me or not. And that's the thing; that single disposition conveys my very outlook on life. Yes, at times it's heart wrenching, but I'm constantly entertained by my childish whims (I’d like to think people find amusement in my rationale, but others are tormented with annoyance. In my opinion, the latter is just jealous. Haters gonna hate).
We all, individually create an image of how we perceive the world (reality more or less). And that tiny, imaginary polaroid is but a piece of garbage when compared to the masterpiece of our fantasies. Now don't get me wrong. I am not a pessimist and I enjoy the natural splendors in this life just as much as the next guy, however it wouldn't hurt to be favored by fait just a little bit more. It wouldn't hurt to have a little more experience or knowledge in any given field. It wouldn't hurt to be a little less obsessive and/or annoying. It wouldn't hurt to be skinnier, and it wouldn't hurt to be a little more apathetic to the perceptions of others. [Those are only but a few things that make up the ideal image I have for myself.] I'd like to think I'm a happy, carefree spirit. I'd like to think my desires and interests are simple. But more importantly, I'd like to think that I have a perfect understanding of myself. But alas, I'm consumed with denial. Nothing about my mind is simple and I kill myself with obsession. It’s an addiction. I truly feel that my eyes and thoughts deteriorate the worth of my entire being. I try and try to stray my thoughts of perfection and fantasy away, however obsession takes it's host by whole the moment it enters.
In my vacant time over the past week, I’ve done a little research on the subject of addiction. And I will say, ‘addiction’ today, takes form in every object, habit, thought, or idea humanly available. It is not limited to the confines of alcohol, eating (and not eating), gambling, pornography, recreational (and habitual) drug use, sex, nor tobacco. It is an illness; impeccably customized and crafted for the demise of its host. Its effects deteriorate and torment not only the addict, but their families and loved one’s as well. My heart does not understand why people retreat to their habits and vices of choice, when they willingly kill themselves (and others) with every selfish consequence they act upon. I feel anger and my body collapses in sadness for their lives. But what I am most saddened by (above all things) is my judgment: I cry for my lack of compassion. I cry for my ignorance, not knowing what it’s like to live with a serious addiction. I cry for making my problems much more superior than others (when in reality they are entirely minuscule). I cry at the thought of change. And what scares me most is that sooner or later in this life, I will combat or encounter a loved one who desperately needs my understanding: free of judgement.
Although I obsess over my life, [constantly looking into mirrors and windows only to see if my thighs are getting bigger or smaller; questioning whether or not I have good, healthy relationships with the people I love most in my life; worrying about the perceptions of others, and so on] I realize that I am but a speck: a particle on this rock that God formed out of nothing. All the doubt, worry, anxiety, and fear we experience is self inflicted by our own perceptions and experiences with elements out of our reach. Control and direction keep us sane. And when the two are absent we panic in fear of the unknown. With this fact I will say this: It is okay to not have direction. It’s okay to be scared when control is out of reach, because I will also say that life is meant to be lived. It is not intended to be controlled by the thoughts of humans. F*ck what everyone thinks. Your thoughts alone are hard enough as it is to understand. Why bother knowing, (let alone care), about someone else’s clusterfuck of ideas? Just don’t. F*ck your fears. They are intangible, little sh*ts hindering you from a beautiful life well lived. F*ck the misconceptions and lies that society pulls out of their ass: like their definition of ‘success’? Disregard it entirely. Define what it is that you love. Understand your skills and strong suits and practice your passion. Set the bar high and achieve your goals. Don’t just chase your dreams, attack them. Be the example of what it means to live free of sadness and fear. Lead and inspire those who need it most. And most importantly, love yourself unconditionally. We all have our faults and imperfections, but you were perfectly made for the world in this exact place, time, and moment. You will captivate people. You will triumph in inconceivable places and you will thrive in the fruits of your labor. The world would not be the same without your existence. That my friends is a bonafide fact
