The Nude Homemaker

Under The Clothes: The Real Life of a Homemaker without the Glam

[thenudehomemaker-blog]

It’s Been Awhile

Well hello there! It’s been damn near a year since I have blogged. Let me tell you, a lot has changed. I decided it would do me good to start telling the world about my world again so bear with me because I am about to rant.

My husband and I have a third baby girl (They do say you leave Germany with a clock or a baby .... we’re leaving with both!). Damn Netflix and Chill. Be sure to follow my blog so I can update you in about 10 years how our daughters won’t be Netflix and Chilling. 

I have found my calling and all it took was giving birth to our last child. Soon, I will be embarking on my adventure in the Midwifery world. I can honestly say it will never be WORK, it will always be a passion. I know, I have three young children and it will be hard. I’m going to do it so when my girls talk about me, they have something too talk about. I want them to be proud of me. Frankly, I don’t want to be JUST mom. I am not saying that being a mom isn’t fulfilling but who and what will I be when they’re individuals? I can’t be just mom forever. 

My husband, well, he’s working on himself too! It took a lot of “DUDE SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT!” type conversations but I am proud he’s taking steps to be even more successful in his career as well. Although, I am happy he’s not super Hooah. If he were, I’m not sure I could handle it. I love that we have OUR life and then the “Army Life”. The “Army Life” being the “Nice to meet you” at an FRG meeting that you just HAD to attend. At the end, you find out it wasn’t mandatory. I am happy to announce I haven’t attended one in awhile (CHEERS!)

On to the kiddos. 

Last night I was going through Pinterest (Which you can also follow me on: https://www.pinterest.com/apickop/pins/ ) and I told my husband I wanted to start wood working again. To answer your thoughts, yes, I am the jack of all trades and only master at ONE - Homemaking! Oh fuck. That’s a lie. I can KIND OF do that. Any who, I found this sign and it said “How to tell Time...” with AM having coffee mugs and PM having wine glasses. I told B that what it should say is “When the kids wake up drink a cup of Joe and when they get nuts, break out the wine”. Or at least something a long those lines.See, what bothers me most (I may or may not rant here...) is that it’s completely socially acceptable to have wine but not smoke a joint. EYE ROLL TO THE MAX! Back to the wood work and my kiddos. I really just want to do something to Zen out. We worked on the garden this weekend and celebrated our middle child’s second birthday. It’s just not enough Zen. I even started blogging again. STILL NOT ZEN ENOUGH! For crying out loud, I am in the 2 year old eclipse. I really really need Zen. 

My daughters are amazing. They are everything parents want in their children and then some. My grandmother - Mema - calls them trying threes. No ma’am. Its threenagers. My newly two year old thinks shes 20! I am far from joking. My almost 4 month old, she just laughs when people hurt themselves so we will see where that leads us.

I guess you could say I am lost. Slowly but surely I am finding individuality again. Slowly but surely I am finding out who I am supposed to be all while juggling motherhood, being a wife, and being a friend. 

My lovely three girls.

[thenudehomemaker-blog]

Borderline Lesbo Love

Before you call me names, although I have been called many today, I “let” my husband talk me into this title. It’s growing on me just because it’s true.

Have you seen the articles titled “To the person who used to be my best-friend..” or whatever sad shit that is? Well, this is about gaining a woman soulmate. Maybe this should be titled, “To the woman who has my heart but not my pussy because I love dick too much, but you still have my heart”. Too much? I thought so. 

She asked me to write more. So here I am. This one is for my Bonnie..wait, am I Clyde? She’ll tell me later.

Before I tell you why my Bonnie is “Bonnie to my Clyde”, I have to say a pretty good portion of stay at home moms have that best-friend that if they didn’t love their husband’s penis, they would run away with. She is that to me. Would we do each other? NO, you perverts. {Now go to the bathroom and imagine that because that’s all you’re getting from me}.

We would probably co-habitat, raise our tornado of children together, and hopefully sip on some wine and watch the world fall apart together. Now that, that is what I call true love. Sorry husband, but she’s not far behind you! {Winks}. 

Bonnie, oh Bonnie! We are almost opposites. We parent differently, we see life differently, but something, something draws us close together. Fate? Who the fuck knows and who the fuck cares because we have something that’s rare. Sometimes, I feel like I could sit in a room with our kids crying and we could just look at each other and know. Just know that we were crazy for having these kids that we can’t even think over. Side Note: My kids are asleep right now and to be honest, I wish they weren’t. STOP! No! What kind of parent would I be to not take this silence and RUN! Back to the story: Bonnie and I are one hell of a team, especially with our sidekicks, AKA our husbands. She keeps me level headed, I think without even realizing it. When I go a little off the deep end, she just says something so simple and I am back. She calms me. 

DAMNIT! I kinda hate mushy shit.

ANDDDDD you’re probably laughing at the husband sidekick thing, but it’s true! Bonnie and I wouldn’t be Bonnie and Clyde without our goonies. They know we love them. I mean the day we went to the winery with our kids, should have proved that! We were so loving ..... and drunk. HA! Don’t worry, our kids were under the care of our husbands who were NOT drunk! What boring people. 

All this blabbering is just to prove one simple point. Stay at home moms NEED to have someone be their Bonnie, or in the words of Grey “Their person”. We all need to have that support system, the one human that if your other goonie human is not there, you can lean on. Bonnie and I move around every few years, having to relearn to socialize {EW} and make new friends {ALSO EW}. Although I have made some friends, no one can or will replace her. Stay at home moms, get yourself a person like this. 

[thenudehomemaker-blog]

Mother’s Day and All of it’s Glory

There is no glory on Mother’s Day. We don’t REALLY get to stop being a mom! Who cooked breakfast? MOM! Who is STILL doing laundry? MOM! Who is STILL going to have to do bed-time routine with the kiddos? MOM! Annoying? A little. 

Lets get down to the nitty gritty though. Just because it’s a ‘Hell’mark holiday, doesn’t mean moms get the holiday off. Sorry world, you still have to run! Sure, who wouldn’t love homemade pancakes, accompanied by fresh fruit, a hot cup of joe, some peace and quiet for ONE morning? God, I sure would. Fortunately for me, I don’t NEED it. I want it, I don’t need it. Ladies, you are settling for just one day of being treated like you mean something. For one day and one day only, Mom’s are appreciated, loved, and treated with respect. PLEASE! ‘Hell’mark, get out of here with that shit. We deserve this every day. When our spouses are home, they should just do this! You don’t need to be a mind reader to know a woman needs a break! {COUGH COUGH - MEN!}

If you see my face, you can most definitely tell when I am just done. Done with the day. You can tell that I just need a few moments to myself to regain my sanity. Men, step up! Love your woman because at the end of the day, what do you want to come home to? A nagging bitch or a hug, a kiss, an “I missed you honey!”? What type of woman do you want to open the door to? I know I wouldn’t want my husband to just take the reigns and bitch ALLLLLLLLL night long. If you tried your damnedest to make everyday mother’s day, I think you’d see a big difference in your spouse. Not saying your marriage or relationship is rainbows and unicorns shitting glitter, but it won’t be what it may be now. 

I guess my point is, it won’t always be easy, but why not try everything to make it as smooth as it can be? We aren’t perfect, I know this because, well, I am me. We aren’t always going to be dolled up for you, or have a hot meal waiting for you every single night, and the laundry may take a week to complete, but if you come home and TELL me {because I won’t just do it} to go upstairs, relax for a few minutes in a hot bath, you’re probably going to be treated that same way in return. 

Now, to enjoy a hot cup of tea, alone. Cheers to you mama! Keep it up!

[thenudehomemaker-blog]

Cold Coffee

A stay at home mother’s worst nightmare? I say YES! Coffee is the perfect remedy for a rough night with the kids. By rough night, I am talking about the bed time games. You’re probably thinking, GIRL that’s not a rough night. {Gives me a dirty look} We will save that story for a different time. BACK TO COFFEE!

So this morning, my neighbor messages me, “A few friends and I are going on a walk, would you like to join?” Well, naturally, I would reply yes, but I JUST poured my coffee. My blood, my lifeline, my fountain of youth. I replied with some lame ass excuse, oh this and oh that. I live in a different country. Why am I being a hermit?? Especially after I just bitched to her about everyone on our street being that exact thing. I have a toddler and a newly 1 year old, getting out of the house helps me keep my sanity. 

I get a knock on the door, right as I was about to go outside with my laptop, hot blood AKA coffee, and a blanket. I walk to the door, my neighbor, I’ll call her Bikini {Hopefully she gets a giggle out of this}, smiles and all “GIRL, get out here, one of my girl-friends has a double stroller {my child’s name} can ride in and {my other child’s name} can ride in mine!” Oh you beautiful schemer you! FINE, FINE, FINE! How can you turn someone away when everyone is at your doorstep, ready to go on a walk?!?!? You just can’t. You’d be THAT asshole.

I run upstairs, thank gosh I already had my girls ready. Grab some workout clothes and let me tell you, my definition of working out is, following my children and eating at the same time! Can I get an AMEN?? Finally, I get out. I am thinking we’re just walking around the neighbor hood. No. That was not the plan. These boss ass bitches of moms are like, “We’re walking ‘THE HILL’”. Okay, that’s awesome. I am so HAPPY that you ladies are fit. I am not. I can admit that. I love the fork to mouth motion more than I love lunges. Lets stay positive though. 

THE HILL ladies and gentlemen. It was great going down, coming back up, not so much. Did I mention my definition of working out was actually just sitting and eating? One of the other moms had my daughter and her son in her double stroller. I had my daughter in Bikini’s stroller {Thanks girl!}. On the way up I offered to push my toddler and the other mom’s son in the double stroller UP the hill! What in the F was I thinking? I’m not this super fit mom. I did it anyways! 

Here I sit, with my husband, eating Taco Bell. The most disgusting yet delicious fake Mexican food EVER! Bye bye workout. See you tomorrow!

OH! How could I forget about my coffee? Did you read this entry? That’s how. On more typical days, it would have way more to do with chasing a toddler while cleaning the house, today, it had everything to do with Bikini {Winks}

[thenudehomemaker-blog]

The Half Failed Garden

What can I say? I am Pinterest obsessed! Probably like every other stay-at-home mom. This isn’t an award winning Pinterest DIY project, but it’s mine.

 A Texas April is rainy, sure, but you should have already started to germinate your seeds. I am no expert by any means, but this also isn’t my first rodeo. Did I mention, research? Do your research before you start gardening in an entirely new region! DUH, you say, DUH is right! 

My husband and I love cooking, I wanted fresh veggies, something to do in his absence, and to save money {See my blog for recipes @ TheNudeHomemaker - Coming soon} so the Good Idea Fairy paid a visit. Some quick background on this chick, she is a bitch. She has NO good ideas! She sprinkled some fairy dust over me and BOOM! “Babe, I NEED to start my garden NOW!” I tend to do my research on almost everything I can and for some reason, I just didn’t this time. STUPID ME! Seriously, my poor plants. They were so beautiful when we purchased them. I mean my poor bank account, 50 euro down the drain! All because I didn’t know, in May, Germany still iced. {EYE ROLL!} The plants, I once grew with ease, are almost dead. I am literally heartbroken. Or is my green thumb broken? {Sighs} Below, my garden in Texas. {Sighs again}

Do You think I can make a come back? HELL YES! Watch me! {Flicks off Germany’s weather mentally!} How will I do this you ask? I have no idea. I’ll figure out. Then I’ll let you know when I do. 

[thenudehomemaker-blog]

Basic Toddler?

I would be lying if I said my toddler was “basic”. You know, the toddler that is so well behaved, loving, playful, happy, and all smiles? She is anything but “basic”. Let me say that she is absolutely amazing. She is one of the more intelligent LOs I know. Am I biased? Maybe. She is my daughter after all. She is a ball of energy that scientist couldn’t contain, now that says a lot.

Cinco De Mayo in Germany. There really isn’t a celebration like in Texas. It was actually a relaxing night, which doesn’t happen. Granted, my husband had to work late and I was on my own for a quick trip to the store. Did I mention I also have a 1yo? Yep. I have Irish Twins. I’ll touch on that a bit later.

I load up my kids and made my way to the commissary and Exchange {a military spouses home away from Target}. We arrive, do a little shopping. What do you know, dancers from Spain are ready to show off their moves! Of course, my two girls are enthralled immediately by the bright dresses and smiles! I decided that this would be a great way to keep myself out of the house and maybe let my toddler burn some energy off! Boy, was I wrong. 

The Music begins, the dancers perk up, and the tantrum is in drive. Who knew toddlers had gears! I sure as hell didn’t. The dance instructor was a stunning Spanish lady, who had nothing but smiles for me! Maybe she knew?!?! By the third song, my oh so “Basic” toddler was dancing away while my youngest, just bobbed. She just bobbed. {Sigh} By the fifth song, my toddler is in full gear, pistons are going. She starts screaming, “I wanna dance mommy, I wanna dance.” I am trying to do this ‘Gentle Parenting’ style thing, so I reply {Kindly} “Baby, they are dancing for us, to show us how the Spanish dance.” {Smacks face} Because a fucking toddler can TOTALLY understand that! “MOMMY {In devil voice - to be left up for interpretation} I WANNA DANCE!!!!!!!!!!” 

I walk away, sweating, embarrassed because my toddler went from this cute little ball of cuteness dancing and trying to get the moves down, to, well a devil spawn? {SHIT!} According to ‘Gentle Parenting’ experts, we aren’t allowed to call our children “Devil Spawns”, but what if that’s exactly what they are?

Moral of the story, I don’t think anyone’s toddler is basic. Mine sure isn’t.