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June 3rd, 2014 - Tuesday

So... I dunno if I’ve mentioned Everet before. He is Liam’s friend and we all have first period together. he and I never really talked, but now all of a sudden he’s been talking to me a lot. and earlier this morning he asked if I had a facebook. He said he tried to find me before, but couldn't so he asked what my last name was... you don’t suppose he likes me or something... do you? It’s probably just a friend thing... I hope itis. I mean, we are friends. so... yea.

Anyhoo, I didn’t see Jonathan this morning, but I’m kinda glad because I look terrible today!

Oh! This is off-topic, but I’m really proud of myself. yesterday I didn’t eat anything until dinnertime. cause then I had to. but I only ate a small amount, and then instead of snacking, I ate some blueberries. that's it. I did well yesterday. and you know, I’ve found that sleeping really helps pass the time.

Oh! I also walked down our road for half an hour as well. so I got some exercise in too.

#post 83

June 2nd, 2014 - Monday

So... I was kinda freaking out last night because my mom took my iPod into their room and they made me give them my password to it. i prayed to god that night. I begged him to not let my parents get on my iPod and read notes or conversations, or stuff like that. I was so scared i was shaking so badly! I have ana and mia tips and suicide notes, and confessions of suicide attempts in my notes, and I would definitely not want them reading my conversations with Alex! Or Sean... or Anyone really. and I wouldn’t want them to find my Tumblr account or Instagram or Twitter, or vine, or Kik... god I have a lot to hide. it’s sickening. so... last night i prayed and was trembling with fear and I took a deep breath... and i said, “Lord, I trust you. I trust that my parents won’t look at my iPod.” and I put my trust, my life fully in him. and I took out that noose I've been hiding all these months, and with shaky hands, I untied it. while still continuing to pray and repeating over and over again that I trust god. I untied that noose, and I hid the rope in Christopher's room. I put my trust fully in the lord, and he didn’t let me down. i was at my lowest point last night. i was helpless, i was scared to death i was alone. and all i had left was my faith. all i could do was pray and trust in god. I'm selling you, I've never been more scared, more stressed out, in my life. but... it’s over. I have my iPod back. they didn’t look at it. i had begged god to let them trust me. and they did. if they had read things on the iPod, they would have said something by now.

on a different note, Jonathan walked with me to class this morning! ohhhh! that was actually another prayer answered. this morning i asked god to let us meet in the hallway so we could talk in person. and we did. i saw him, and then he smiled and said “hi” and then i started walking with him. then when the bell rang, he walked me to class.

#post 82

June 1st, 2014 - Sunday

Well... shit. I got grounded from my iPod this morning. I used my mom’s charger to charge my iPod. like I usually do... last night. I usually put it back before they wake up, but I fell asleep. Oh well.

Anyhoo, today I found out Ashton got kicked out of his house by his parents. Mainly because of his dad and his parents were afraid he might take his anger towards his dad out on the little brothers, which is bullshit. he would never do that. but anyways, so he’s living with the Funyaks for now. but he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I'm really worried about him.

#post 81

May 30th, 2014 - Friday

ugh... I cut my hand yesterday in 5th period. I used the blade from my pencil sharpener. and my hand bled a lot. luckily I hid my hand under the desk and no one noticed. I used a napkin I had in my pocket to soak up the blood on my hand so it didn’t get on anything. I was wearing long sleeves yesterday... but today I'm not. and it's very difficult to hide it now... I barely can and sometimes I really can’t. ugh. I'm so stupid!

#post 80

May 29th, 2014 - Thursday

Well... Jonathan and I were going to try to talk at school today, but I was late to school so... yeah. didn’t happen.

Anyhoo, I’ve decided to just go to sleep when I get home from school. that way time goes by faster, and I don’t have to worry about hunger pains from not eating all day.

Oh! today is Brett’s Birthday! I was surprised to see him at school today. I thought he might just skip cause it’s his birthday... but I guess not.

Oh! on a different note, yesterday, when I was talking to Jonathan, we found out we have the same taste in music. we both like all the same bands. we really have so much in common.

oh! also, there’s this guy I met on noteflight and we became friends, giving each other advice on our music and such. yesterday he found me on twitter, and we talked like all night. he’s really nice and I'm looking forward to becoming better friends.

anyhoo... so I told Fabiola. Yesterday. I told her like... everything. I told her about my depression, my cutting and how I got addicted to it, about my three suicide attempts. and how I'm now going to therapy. all that stuff. we talked about it all for a while. And you know what? it felt good. it felt great to finally talk to someone about it. someone I actually feel I can trust. it feels good to finally let someone into my world. I don’t have to hide things from her anymore. of course nobody else knows, it’s just her, but still... it’s someone. a good friend. it's really a relief to tell someone.

anyhoo, my aunt Karen and uncle tom offered for me to go spend some time up with them in the summer... I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided that I want to go. it’ll be nice to get away from everything here for a while. I'm gonna do it. It probably means traveling on an airplane alone, but I don’t care. it’ll be nice.to be independent. to not have to deal with my parents. I'm actually excited about this. I dunno when I’ll be going, but I really do want to. well... I guess I should stop writing cause the bell is going to ring soon so... yea.

#post 79

May 28th, 2014 - Wednesday

Ohmygod... I look terrible today! no! why? I’ve been wearing makeup and dressing nicely and doing my hair and of course, the one day I don’t, the one day I wake up late, the one day I loo absolutely horrible, Jonathan sees me. I hadn’t even really seen him in school before, and of course the one day we make eye contact in the hallway I look terrible! we didn't talk or anything. we just passed each other in the hallway on the way to first period. he smiled and waved and I smiled, waved back, and stupidly said hi, and then we kept on walking. but I look terrible today! whyyyyyyyyy?! why couldn’t it have been yesterday? or Friday? or any other fricking day?! of course. it would be today though. that’s just my luck. if something has to happen, it always happens on the worst day possible! ugh. oh well... it was nice to at least see him again. even though it was just for a second.

Oh... but it kinda ruined my day. cause I look terrible. and he saw me looking terrible. ugh! no! not again! we passed each other in the hallway again going to fourth period and he saw me! normally I wouldn’t mind... but I look like crap today! ugh.

this day... today is not my day. I basically got ignored by all my friends in chorus this morning. it’s beginning to feel like my past life all over again. where I was a nobody. people acted as if I wasn’t even there. my friends. my past friends, my current friends, and probably my future friends too. they all did it. they all do it. that's all they’ll ever do. this is my life. I'm invisible. nonexistent. alone. always have been. always will be. ugh... why can’t I just leave this place? this world? I don’t want to be here. nobody else wants me here. I'm just a stupid ugly idiot who can’t do anything right. I'm a failure. a disappointment to my family. my dad said so himself. I devastated them and my mom agreed to it all. I don’t deserve to be here. and I’ve tried to lave, believe me! but I can’t even kill myself right! I'm just a horrible dumb idiot!

#post 78

May 27th, 2014 - Tuesday

Well... I think I saw Jonathan in the hallway on my way to fourth period.

#post 77

May 25th, 2014 - Sunday

Well... I’m in the church service. I’m sitting next to Stephen... and Delaney and her boyfriend, Zach.

Yesterday I finally convinced my mom to stop making me a snack when I got home from school. So now I’ll only be eating one meal a day! yay! I can do this. It’s starting to work out. this is good. so now I just have to figure out how to avoid dinner. Now that shall be a chalenge. my goal weight is 86 pounds.

anyhoo... im kinda freaking out because summer is coming. I can’t wear shorts. my mom is already yelling at me for wearing leggings. and goldrush... oh no. they put bathing suits on the packing list what if we have to go to that water park again? this is not good. im really scared.

On a different note, I’ve been talking to Jonathan every day. we’ve talked like all day every day since Wednesday. we have a lot in common... and I really kinda like him. I haven’t talked to him in person since Tuesday. but Fabiola says he was really nervous about talking to me. so... I can understand that. it’s okay. we text a lot so... we’re getting to know each other.

anyhoo, I was texting brett last night and he said he would never tell anyone about me being suicidal. because he believes not telling would protect me much more than telling someone. he said if he told someone it would cause collateral damage and he would never do that to me. his saying that means a lot to me. I know he would never betray me... at least that's what he says. but his reasoning makes me trust him more. just that he said that. he just wants to protect me. and he believes not telling anyone is the best way of doing that.

#post 76

May 23rd, 2014 - Friday

So... yesterday Jonathan texted me again. we talked from four in the afternoon to eleven at night! I’m really kinda liking him. we have a lot in common and he’s really nice. last night he was like “I’ll talk to you at school.” But... like I’m wondering though cause like... how? I’ve never even seen him until the concert on Tuesday. Well...

anyhoo, we started talking on facebook, and then yesterday while we were talking he said his pad was dying and asked if we could text... so... he’s got my number now and we texted all day.

#post 75

May 22nd, 2014 - Wednesday

I stayed home yesterday. I woke up that morning feeling... I don’t even know. I just felt a sense of dread. Like I didn’t want to go to school. I didn’t want to face people. So many people... I literally begged my mom to stay home. And then I went into my room and cried for like an hour... And then I just started crying at different times throughout the day. I don’t know why. I just cried. A lot. And it was awful, but it felt good at the same time to release everything I’d been holding onto for weeks. since I couldn’t release it through cutting cause I lost my blade.

Oh! This guy that Fabiola knows, called Johnathan apparently has a crush on me... Fabiola said they were talking and he told her that he liked me. yesterday he sent me a friend request on facebook. he was at the chorus concert for bring the men on Tuesday. that’s how we met. and we talked a lot yesterday... Fabiola told me that he liked me...

anyhoo... he’s a junior. oh... anyways... he seems really nice and Fabiola says he is too.

#post 74

May 20th, 2014 - Tuesday

Well... I overheard my parents talking last night. My dad was saying how he used to be proud of his kids. then he basically said he couldn’t be anymore and that this and the past year has been devastating.

#post 73

May 19th, 2014 - Monday

Well... I was supposed to have a seven paragraph paper due today, but I didn’t do it. Thankfully Mr. Dutcher said we could have another day! So yay!

So anyhoo... I didn’t talk to Terry. I was going to, but Taylor was there and I never got the chance. ugh... Maybe I should just let it go. But I dunno what to do. I really want to know who else he told, or at least how many people he told.

I got into a huge argument with my parents yesterday. And you know what? I realized something. It’s their fault. Not mine. It’s their fault I have such difficulty making decisions. It’s their fault I have such low self-esteem. It’s their fault I’ve always felt like I don’t matter. like I'm not important. I was the second child so they didn’t have time to care about me. they were so worried about Christopher. they just decided I have to do anything they say and it doesn't matter if I don’t want to. it doesnt matter if I have a different opinion, that’s not inportant. I'm the kid, they’re the parent. I have to do what they say and if I don’t I get punished. and if I say what I think that’s called being disrespectful! They just want complete control over my life. they always have. and when they can’t, they just freak out. for example, when they found out I cut myself, that was something that they hadn’t been able to control. for a while, my mom took the pair of scissors I had in my room, and even took my shaving razor out of the bathroom! and I never even sed those! and then my dad wouldn't even speak to me for like two weeks. they just always want to be in complete control of my life they always complain that I don’t talk to them about stuff that’s going on in my life. well, I'm scared that if I do they’ll try to completely take it over!

#post 72

May 18th, 2014 - Sunday

So... on Friday, I finally just asked Terry what he had been telling people the reason why we broke up. And as soon as I asked that, I saw a spark of fear in his eyes. He said he told people it was because of our age. I said “okay.” I stayed cool and calm. Terry then said “why, have other people been saying differently?” “no.” I replied cooly. He seemed really nervous. Almost frightened. Then he quickly said he only told one other person what actually happened that night. I just thought “okay, yea. Cause you told Ryan.” But then he said he told Taylor. He promised, he swore she was the only person he told. Now, I can understand him telling her cause they’re best friends, and she’s his girlfriend. But he just flat out lied to me. which makes me wonder who else he told? i could tell he was lying when he said what he told people because he was scared. He was really, really uneasy. And then he just went and confirmed my thoughts. He lied to me. And I’m really upset because once a person knows what Terry’s been saying, they’ll see me differently. they will never look at me the same way again! And I’d really rather people didn’t think those things of me. I’ve decided I want to know how many people he has told. So tomorrow I’m gonna ask him straight out. I’m gonna tell him that I know Taylor is not the only person he told. I know he told other people. And I want to know who and or how many people he told. Ugh... I can’t believe I actually trusted him! I told him like... everything. My self harm. my suicide attempts, everything. I had my first kiss with him. And I trusted that he would never tell anyone my secrets. and now I'm terrified.

so anyhoo... I sat next to Ashton at the pinewood lunch thing, and we talked about life and stuff. And he apologized for what happened that one time. he said he truly meant everything he said, he really did like me a lot. but his parents were just like “nope” so he couldn't really do anything. it wasn’t his fault, which i understand.

anyways, my mom freaks out so much like she is so afraid i have an eating disorder... which i do, but she doesn’t need to know that or she’ll make my life hell.

anyhoo, Ashton and I were talking and I was saying when I graduate from high school I'll go somewhere far from here. probably somewhere up north. and then he was like “you could come live with me in Washinton or Brooklyn.” and... well him saying that really made me feel happy inside. i feel like we understand one another. we’ve both been through it a lot and we both have tried to cope the same ways. so we both get what the others going through. and i know i can just talk about stuff with him cause he understands. he won’t judge me cause he is or was there at one point.

so on a different note, I've decided to start an ana journal so i can stay on track. i didn’t do that before, but i really think it’ll help. so anyhoo, bye.

#post 71

May 15th, 2014 - Thursday

It’s been weird. At first, after Terry and I broke up, people said I’ve been more cheerful. But now for the past several weeks, people keep asking if I’m okay or saying I’ve been seeming kinda down lately. Honestly, I don’t know what I am. I’m feeling all these different emotions and I’m just so confused. But I have decided something. If I have to be homeschooled again I most definitely will kill myself. And I’ll make sure it works. I’m not going to fail the next time I try. I know what works and what doesn't. I could kill myself whenever I want. I know how. I can do it anytime I want. But I can’t do it now. I think to be on the safe side I should wait until Terry is graduated and gone. That seems long enough to wait. I wouldn’t want him thinking it was his fault. Cause it’s not. I was going to break up with him anyways.

Anyways...I’ve been talking to Alex every day again. I really like him a lot. And I care about him. And know he cares about me. I really wish we could meet in person sometime. If I could just run away from here and go live with him I would. And I know he'd be perfectly fine with that. But my parents are crazy and I’d be found and then they’d never let me leave the house again.

#post 70

May 13th, 2014 - Tuesday

I don’t know if Terry’s been saying stuff or if I just seem miserable or what, but some of the people I know have been acting differently... like in chorus Adam gave me a hug today and was like, “It’ll be okay...” and then Calvin asked if I was doing alright. I said yea and he was like “just making sure.” and on Friday Shawn asked if I was okay, and so did Devon. I dunno... I guess I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately. I wonder if that’s been affecting the way I am. cause I’m not upset about breaking up with terry at all. maybe they think that’s what it is? I dunno. I’m just kind of wondering who else Terry told what he told Ryan. I just haven’t gotten the chance to talk to him about it yet.

anyhoo, on a different note, Christopher. My brother. He’s not doing too well. He is failing his classes again, he is very depressed, he is smoking stuff with Clint, he and another guy from his church had to go baker act his best friend who is suicidal. And he had to miss an exam to do that. ugh... I’m worried about him. And his friend. I’ve been really down lately. I just want to die, but I can’t because it’s too soon after Terry and I broke up. I wish we had never dated in the first place. oh well...

Oh! In first period today, Mr. Clark was looking at pictures of girls on google. He forgot to turn the projector off, and even though it was faint, everyone in the class could see! thankfully Carter, Shae, and Marquez told the assistant principal. so... I dunno what’s gonna happen, but... I’m glad somebody knows. He could get fired over this... I feel bad, but he is a horrible teacher and considering what he was doing, he deserves it. he’s married for crying out loud! I wonder what’s actually going to happen... I guess all we can do is wait and see.

Anyhoo, Alex found out that his grandfather died yesterday... and then he left. and when he came back, he told me that he had been drinking. and he said he was sorry. I care about him... He really worries me sometimes though.

#post 69

May 11th, 2014 - Sunday

So I haven’t really been able to talk to Alex in a while... but on Friday he sent me a message and we talked about it. And we almost stopped talking, but we kept talking about us and neither of us wanted to end this way so we kept talking. And we talked about stuff all night. And then yesterday we talked to each other literally all day. From the time I woke up, to three o’clock in the morning! Fifteen hours. That’s a long time! It was just how it used to be. We talked about all kinds of stuff. Random stuff, serious stuff, and even just silly stuff that we both laughed about together. I love talking to him... we’re definitely best friends...

Oh! And he said I made him laugh all the time and usually noting can do that he said. And it’s not just a smirk, he says he just full out laughs and I’m the only person that’s been able to do that. Ahhh! I’m so happy! I love making people laugh, and it really means a lot to me knowing I can make Alex laugh... I really care for him... And I know he cares for me too...

Last night, we were talking about more serious things and he told me that if he could take all of my pain and confusion from me to him he would... and that really means a lot to me. And I know Alex... and I know that if it were possible he really would. But... even if it were possible, I wouldn’t want him to. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel the way I do. It’s so horrible I would never want anyone to experience this and go through what I've gone through and what I'm going through now. But it’s really nice to know I have someone who wants to go through it with me... and who is actually there for me, and really truly cares for me... and I have that. I have Alex... and I'm so thankful to have someone like him...

well... anyhoo, I haven’t talked to Brett in like three days. I kinda miss him... Oh well. it’s funny, every day after school, when I get on the buys Ryan is just like “did he ask you out yet?” haha and I’ll just be like “no.” ...I kinda feel like brett never will. he’s beginning to see me the way I see myself. he’s seeing how messed up I really am. which is probably for the best though. because I don’t want to hurt anyone. and I wouldn’t want to hurt him if we were together and then one day I just left. I wouldn't want him to think it was his fault. and besides, I don’t want him to be constantly worried about me.

anyhoo... Grandpa Dick died on Monday so my mom has been gone all week. Then she’s getting back today and then dad is leaving sometime this week. um... I dunno what to write about now.

but I’m really glad Alex and I started talking again. I’ve really missed him. it’s kinda weird that he’s thirty... but I try not to think about that. because he’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had. maybe even the best. and I think the main reason we’ve stayed friends is because that’s how we act. we treat each other like good friends, and we talk to each other like good friends because that’s just what we are. we don’t act like we even have an age difference. sure we’ll talk about it sometimes or sometimes he’ll say stuff like “when I was your age” but we don’t let it bother us. we know it’s there, but it doesn’t matter. we’re really alike and we understand each other. and I’m so glad I met him. I'm... really glad that I found that Christian website and was able to share my thoughts and feelings and then Alex felt compelled to reach out to me as a friend when I had none. honestly, I think if I hadn’t met him, I probably would have attempted suicide much sooner, and I might even be dead right now. or I’d be in a much worse state than I am now... because he was there for me... and he went through a lot of stuff with me. and I’m so thankful for Alex!

#post 68

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