~now i’m nothing~ (a drabble)
Midnight was never black. It was always dark blue.
I remember a time when I was younger. Much more defiant than now. I lived in Hanamura. The Cherry Blossoms fell every morning into the spring around our house. I liked to pick the neatest ones, and give them to the girls in the city.
Some reacted better than others.
I was the son of one of the richest men in Japan. I had everything I ever wanted, and I still wasn’t happy with it. Greed filled my mind, while I kept short highs and rushes of liquid gold stored inside of me. And father never hated me. The glares and reprimanding lectures came from my older brother. So, when father finally died, the world was my oyster.
The girl who took my Cherry Blossom accepted my invitation for drinks later that night. Red and yellow neon signs were the only flashes of light I wanted to see. Sake poured by the bottle into two cups. Four cups. Six cups. Her laugh was getting less annoying, but I didn’t want to stop there.
I pulled her by the hair. At least, I think I did. She brought a friend with her, and we stayed in a reserved room. The one with short hair- I can’t remember her name anymore- was great with her hands. Her tiny fingers were so precise when she cut up the little lines. One for each of us. It was a race to see who could make the powder disappear the fastest. Of course, I won.
The other girl had the Cherry Blossom tucked behind her ear.
I only remember that because it fell out onto my lap. She went to grab it. But she found something she liked better.
Alternating really was a hassle. They were just as greedy as I was. Their lips were soft, but forceful on my own. It was like a dream. Hands exploring bodies, necks were stained and bruised. With one hand I was tearing off a leather skirt, and with the other I was pushing a head down in rhythm- I felt myself interrupting her breath, thanks to the lack of a gag reflex.
It was pure ecstacy. If I wanted to, I could get that every goddamn night of my life. And I did. I never got tired of it. Late nights, silver snuff boxes, music so loud that my voice of reason ceased to exist. I was a king. I had everything.
And now…. I’m nothing.
“You are not nothing, Genji.”
The monotone voice crept from the seat beside my bed. An old monk sat in this same spot every day for the past week in my hospital room. I still don’t know why he’s here. But I can’t complain. Talking to him has made me feel less anxious.
“Yes, I am. This wouldn’t have happened if I had just listened to him. I didn’t see him as a threat, he was my brother. I thought Hanzo loved me, but I should’ve known-.”
“You cannot let the slings of the past consume you like this.”
He sounded like a fortune cookie.
“It’s too recent to be considered the past, though.”
The man rose from the seat. Visibly weak legs carried him to the water cooler. He returned to my side and offered me the drink. I refused.
“Revenge takes only the one who seeks it.”
A flame was lit in my solar plexus the night I was almost killed. It’s been days, but the fire blazes on, begging to be extinguished. The only way I can ever get this feeling off my chest is by eliminating the person who caused it. I will kill Hanzo. Him, and that entire fucking empire he decided to rise from fathers ashes. How dare he come for my life like that.
The more I think about it, the angrier I get. Every time I close my eyes I can see the faces of those assassins etched into my eyelids. I will exterminate every last person who’s kept that business alive. Somehow, someway, I will sneak myself back into Hanamura. I will burn that house down if I have to. I’ll empty the arrows from his bow into his gut. I’ll do it all to him first, and then to every man who’s ever honored the Shimada name, so help me God I will.
A clammy hand rested on my forehead. I don’t like having this man towering over me.
“Come with me.”
“...What?”
“Come with me, Genji. The monastery in Nepal opens its doors for you. Be my student, and I will teach you how to free your mind.”
He held his hand out, as if I were in any condition to get up and leave right now. I’ve lost an arm. I’ve lost a fucking leg. How the hell does he expect me to just get up and go to Nepal of all places?
“Are you out of your mind?”
He removed his hand. There was a silence. Without any further convincing arguments, he headed toward the door. But, before he left, he did mention one last thing...
“Revenge is a heavy burden to bear. You can thrive without it. I will be back tomorrow morning for you answer.”
And just like that, he vanished.
