What have I become? I guess my thought processes were correct.
Is this what it feels like to be used? To only mean one thing to someone?
“Needing me” what a joke.
Once again, promises have been made, and go unfulfilled. I hope they know that this directly effects them too.
Do they realize that my mental state is fragile? That depression is just a click away? That the thoughts of despair, and worthlessness run rampant through my entire soul?
I know I am a good person, and I know I have a good heart. But knowing that I can’t stop myself from being good to people when they “need me”, only to be cast aside until “need me” again.
If you can only compliment me, e.g. “you look amazing” when you need something, i know it’s not sincere.
No matter what YOU think of me as, if there aren’t the basic necessities of what I need, having been in my life for an extended period of time, and knowing what you mean to ME, it doesn’t matter.
It is a relationship built on quicksand. And in a way, I understand now. To a point. I’ll never quite fully be able to understand the other’s thought processes of why THEY did what they did. But I know my mind. And it’s getting to the point of there has been some damage done.
I can be a stable ground to help someone up. But that foundation cracks and gives way when I am neglected.
I know I’m not perfect. I have mental issues. I am very self conscious about them. They have to be handled in a loving manner. And when they aren’t, that’s when I get hurt.
Yes, panic attacks and anxiety and depression are all looped under the mental health umbrella. Because once I spiral into this low, I can only wait out the storm. But it was much easier to weather the storm when I had someone by my side that understood. That knew the look in my eye that screamed for help, and knew that laying in bed and cuddling made the storm bearable. Because I wasn’t alone.
Now, I face soul wrenching turmoil, and it’s laughed off, you don’t understand the pain. And while I know I’m a basket case... acknowledgment that you think i am, makes me not want to tell you things. Because I already feel crazy. I need the caring arms that wrap around me and hold me tight. I need the caring texts.
I need to be able to tell you things and have you respond. And not just let me feel like my pain is falling on deaf ears. Or dodged as easily as it has been. Because my lows don’t last forever. But it sure as hell gets better if you nurture it.
I didn’t think I need to lay out what I need when with one it came so easily.
I didn’t know that I’d miss “good morning beautiful” so much.
I never felt like Love was pointless until now. It’s not worth it. And the love that is, well... I had it once.
I have come to realize that I give what I need. If I need understanding, I’m more understanding. If I need loving on, I’m more like that. If I need to be held, I hold on tighter. If I need loving on, I love harder and I pull out more tricks to satisfy. If I need spoiling, I spoil harder.
But the hardest to understand from my brain is when I need to feel loved by someone. I can’t reach out to them. I can’t quite convey my pain into words. But oh boy can I paint you a picture with my tears.