My life is great but I am depressed
My life is, I guess, really good : I have a family that is half good but it is still good, I have a girlfriend for almost 5 years now, I work part-time on weekends that makes me have a little bit of money to spend on hobbies ( a new Tv, vacations, and all that) while I’m doing studies of arts (specifically in cinema) so I guess I should not be complaining but, deep inside me I am feeling really sad about everything.
I listen to a lot of music, i have literally every single genre of music in my playlist, but the ones that I love the most are generally sad songs but not just sad songs, depressive songs, the ones that want you to kill yourself, the ones that wants to give up on everything and anythings like XXX, lil peep, spooky black or even Kurt Cobain. I feel like I just like sad music but I feel good being sad and depressed.
Even in everything I feel like I am not optimistic I have a low octave voice and I don’t put any effort in articulating my sentences. I feel bad in everything, I feel like I din’t deserve anything in my life that I let down my family just to go to study far away from them. I feel also betrayed by everyone (friends also) because I feel like anyone would leave me without hesitation so I don’t invest too much friendship because I’m scared to be left.
Even in my relationship I feel like I don’t deserve her: of course when we are happy together it’s amazing, but when we go through a crisis (I believe like itms in every couple) I feel like I can lose her at any minute or even any arguing. So I don’t do any efforts anymore until the good days come back by doing a little bit day by day (buying snacks for her, give her massages, etc..).
I started being like this when I was just 16, I started questioning myself and my existence and right after that (3-4 months) my girlfriend that I’ve been with for almost 2 years broke up with for another man (long distance relationship) after that we went into November and then I started being at the peak of my depression and followed taking soft and hard drugs (that I have never took before not even cigarettes) while going on high school and my parents did not notice anything because they didn’t care of me.
I can’t kill myself because I believe that I have a lot of responsibility in my life and a lot of people that like me and believe in me (the 3 friends that I have lol, and my family) but I would kill myself because I want it to stop (to clarify “it” is the sadness) but at the same time I wan to enjoy every little moment of life (to mention , I’m only 21 years old).
If you have any good advices, or experiences that could make me feel a little bit objective I won’t be able to thank you enough.
Merci.
