The Onion

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Go ahead and try to fill the infinite void in your soul with merchandise at the Onion Store.

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Although both believe that a romantic affair would only complicate their daily interaction with each other, Troy and Tania Knudsen find it more and more challenging not to act on a powerful mutual sexual attraction, sources close to the married couple said Monday.

“You can really sense that something is going on between them,” said neighbor Lisa Eisennagel, who has known the Knudsens for nine of the 12 years they’ve been married. “It’s so palpable, it’s sometimes uncomfortable to be around them.”

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Last-Ever Global Warming Report Released For Posterity

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Admitting that it had little chance of surviving the next purge, plant-identification app Plantr acknowledged Wednesday that it would be a goner the next time 36-year-old phone owner Kevin Stetson needed space for his photos. “God, if he shoots a few videos on his weekend trip to Columbus, it won’t just be me—the whole row I’m on is wiped out,” said the app, speculating it had only held on this long due to its mere 65-megabyte size and to being buried in the fourth page of a rarely accessed “Utilities” folder.

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Although those close to Buster characterize him as a good boy, the area collie-rottweiler mix reported Monday that he will never live up to the standard set by the show-quality golden retriever on the Purina Dog Chow bag.

“I try as hard as I can,” said Buster, lying on his blanket in the entryway of the Hopkins-family home. “I welcome [Buster’s owner] Gerald [Hopkins] home every night with lots and lots of barks and leaps. And when he sits down in his chair to read, I lie quietly at his feet. Still, when I see that dog on the Dog Chow bag, I feel like I’m nothing.”

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The Onion Reviews 'Spider-Man Homecoming'

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Arousing suspicion among the digital marketing firm’s employees with its warm and solicitous tone, an encouraging email sent from the account of Pulse of Tomorrow CEO Herb Helminth was quickly flagged as a phishing attempt and deleted, sources reported Thursday. “I’ve never seen anything like this in my life—he even spelled the name of our company correctly,” said social media manager Esther Perez, who expressed concern when she noticed the email’s tone bore little resemblance to the CEO’s usual cold and hostile writing style.

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AI: Myth Vs. Fact

A recent poll found that Americans who are concerned about artificial intelligence outnumber those who are excited about it by a margin of three to one. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding AI. 

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Argentina Recognizes Goldfish As Sentient Beings With Rights

An Argentine court recognized two goldfish rescued from a sushi restaurant aquarium in Buenos Aires as sentient beings with legal rights, marking a major milestone for animal welfare. What do you think?

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Responding to concerns about the lack of diversity in his upcoming project, The Lord Of The Rings: The Hunt For Gollum director Andy Serkis defended the film’s all–Andy Serkis cast during an interview Friday. “It isn’t my fault that the characters in the books are all Andy Serkis,” said filmmaker and actor Andy Serkis, adding that Andy Serkis was the right person for every role in the new Lord Of The Rings movie, and at the end of the day, that was what really mattered.

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Audibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, now?” said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a 25-minute concessions ordeal and was balancing a hot dog, a cup of fries, and a large beer on his lap when Kansas City Royals left fielder Isaac Collins launched a solo shot into the bleachers.

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World Cup Reinvigorates Nation’s Interest In Kicking Things

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Bursting through the stall door with a baseball bat hoisted over his head, director Christopher Nolan reportedly confronted moviegoer Luke Dias on Friday for using the bathroom during The Odyssey. “You just couldn’t hold it, could you?” the Oscar-winning filmmaker said as he kicked his victim off the toilet seat and delivered a violent swing that shattered the porcelain stool.

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Jeering that the other man’s chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth Dufresne reportedly challenged his wife’s muscular sidepiece to a battle of wits Friday. “Your hypertrophied pectorals may have momentarily swayed Veronica from the path of marital fidelity, but let’s see how you fare when not your body but your mind is put to the test!” Dufresne said to the completely shredded personal trainer, adding that his romantic rival would have little hope of retaining his wife’s interest when forced to compete in the arena of logic puzzles, mental math, and Star Wars trivia. 

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