The Onion

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Although those close to Buster characterize him as a good boy, the area collie-rottweiler mix reported Monday that he will never live up to the standard set by the show-quality golden retriever on the Purina Dog Chow bag.

“I try as hard as I can,” said Buster, lying on his blanket in the entryway of the Hopkins-family home. “I welcome [Buster’s owner] Gerald [Hopkins] home every night with lots and lots of barks and leaps. And when he sits down in his chair to read, I lie quietly at his feet. Still, when I see that dog on the Dog Chow bag, I feel like I’m nothing.”

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The Onion Reviews 'Spider-Man Homecoming'

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Arousing suspicion among the digital marketing firm’s employees with its warm and solicitous tone, an encouraging email sent from the account of Pulse of Tomorrow CEO Herb Helminth was quickly flagged as a phishing attempt and deleted, sources reported Thursday. “I’ve never seen anything like this in my life—he even spelled the name of our company correctly,” said social media manager Esther Perez, who expressed concern when she noticed the email’s tone bore little resemblance to the CEO’s usual cold and hostile writing style.

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AI: Myth Vs. Fact

A recent poll found that Americans who are concerned about artificial intelligence outnumber those who are excited about it by a margin of three to one. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding AI. 

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Argentina Recognizes Goldfish As Sentient Beings With Rights

An Argentine court recognized two goldfish rescued from a sushi restaurant aquarium in Buenos Aires as sentient beings with legal rights, marking a major milestone for animal welfare. What do you think?

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Responding to concerns about the lack of diversity in his upcoming project, The Lord Of The Rings: The Hunt For Gollum director Andy Serkis defended the film’s all–Andy Serkis cast during an interview Friday. “It isn’t my fault that the characters in the books are all Andy Serkis,” said filmmaker and actor Andy Serkis, adding that Andy Serkis was the right person for every role in the new Lord Of The Rings movie, and at the end of the day, that was what really mattered.

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Audibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, now?” said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a 25-minute concessions ordeal and was balancing a hot dog, a cup of fries, and a large beer on his lap when Kansas City Royals left fielder Isaac Collins launched a solo shot into the bleachers.

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World Cup Reinvigorates Nation’s Interest In Kicking Things

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Bursting through the stall door with a baseball bat hoisted over his head, director Christopher Nolan reportedly confronted moviegoer Luke Dias on Friday for using the bathroom during The Odyssey. “You just couldn’t hold it, could you?” the Oscar-winning filmmaker said as he kicked his victim off the toilet seat and delivered a violent swing that shattered the porcelain stool.

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Jeering that the other man’s chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth Dufresne reportedly challenged his wife’s muscular sidepiece to a battle of wits Friday. “Your hypertrophied pectorals may have momentarily swayed Veronica from the path of marital fidelity, but let’s see how you fare when not your body but your mind is put to the test!” Dufresne said to the completely shredded personal trainer, adding that his romantic rival would have little hope of retaining his wife’s interest when forced to compete in the arena of logic puzzles, mental math, and Star Wars trivia. 

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In one of nature’s most stirring and mysterious rituals, human male Michael Forrester journeyed back to his place of birth Monday in order to pair off, reproduce, and ensure the propagation of his species.

The 670-mile-long voyage, one almost as old as time itself, began late last week. According to sources, the adult male left his studio apartment in downtown San Francisco and—overcoming a series of challenging obstacles—returned to Twin Falls, ID, the town where he himself was spawned 28 years ago.

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U.S. Military To Test Troops’ Testosterone Levels

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new policy to test testosterone levels of service members aged 30 and above as part of their annual health assessment, with medical teams recommending hormone therapy for those found to be deficient. What do you think?

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“If you’re listening, Sen. McConnell, please—we’ve had enough,” said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country

Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself

WASHINGTON—In an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursd