I self-sabotage my progress because of my toxic home life and family.
And even when I am lucky enough to be blessed by the love of a good man, even when I appreciate them while in the relationship because of a shared love of the environment/nature and animals and a reciprocated romantic love that started to heal my inner child and past-present family trauma and DV, the true appreciation for them comes once they leave. Once I lose them. Or likely, in this case, subconsciously and consciously push them away. Because hindsight is a cruel thing and with family issues and dealing with family grief/loss and family health issues and work, juggling everything overwhelms you to the point you can’t focus on anything, even the things that are so important to you. I’m upset and annoyed with myself and the world and the timing of coincidence, that I made so much personal progress and self-healing these last few years (because of the mental work I’ve had the energy to put into myself because of my incredible friends and the safe/calm/healing/reciprocated love I had) and had so much self-realisation of where my mental health issues really stemmed from (because of losing a loved one and reconnecting with mums family) for it to all to be lost when I was starting to pull my life together and so close to being free from the trauma and be able to make such incredible personal progress, so soon, hurts.
I know progress isn’t linear and I know I have the mental tools (from working on myself/surviving for 10-15 years now ~ and likely from childhood too) in order to still be able to build myself up again once I have a change of home environment. And probably flourish, and be the kind of person I needed when I was younger, but it’s such a kick in the gut to finally start to feel like actually I think I do want kids and hey maybe I love this person enough to want kids with them and maybe I’m mentally aware enough to have kids without passing my own trauma and family/childhood trauma onto them, and can get a dog with them and grow old with them.
I hope/know no one will read this that I know - because the communities I followed on tumblr and the people I used to know/knew on tumblr have since gotten families and grown up and when tumblr got bought by yahoo or whoever years ago a lot of NSFW content and communities left/died back then - but I’m writing this for me. Because I’m glad I used this space years ago as a digital journal of sorts because I can see the personal strides I’ve made in the last 3-5 years and I never kept a physical journal as a teenager or person in my 20s, so this is the only view into my personal development that I would have access to.
I think I’ll still want kids in the future - if I get to be in love again one day, I just know that I take a while to grieve loss and change and that alone I can’t afford to freeze my eggs. I also think it’s cruel to bring a child into such a chaotic and environmentally troubled world without having the correct foundations in place for them to be able to cope with life - like enough money to raise them so they have a roof over their head, food in their belly, shoes on their feet, as well as stable and loving parents who will love them unconditionally and not hurt them physically or mentally. So unless I win the lottery and can then afford egg freezing, I’ll likely be unable to have biological children because of my financial situation. And, I know that adoption/fostering is an option in that case if I do find love but can’t afford egg freezing or IVF etc, but then even that idea makes me feel sad that I’ll miss out on that life experience of growing a life inside me and having that emotional and chemical connection and bonding experience as a woman and mother.
