Study finds Man-Flu linked to egregious sneezing.
Ever wondered how the same cold can mildly inconvenience a woman and put a man out of action for days? Lab coated Poindexters from England, UK may have the answer.
Scientists at the Meppershall University of Looking at Really Tiny Stuff & Spinning Fluids in Centrifuges were commissioned by right wing think tank “Fuck those Poor People” to carry out a study questioning the existence of anyone with an income under £25,000 a year. In findings some have described as “Codswallop” The university have published a paper (unrelated to the research they were paid rather handsomely for) linking the cause of so-called “Man-Flu” to men’s tendency to exaggerate and amplify their sneezes. (a)
In the paper, released on parole in 1973. The nerds leading the university study performed super scientifical experiments on volunteers who were deliberately exposed to the flu virus via a bowl of pub peanuts in a poorly controlled environment. The 20 subjects, both female, and the other one, were observed over the course at Aintree where scientists tracked the progress of the virus through the various stages of infection from sneezing, sniffles, to sick day, pointless flu remedies, tickly throat, coughing, expectoration, to that bit where you feel really, really sorry for yourself because the tissues you have stuck up you nose make you look a right bell, through to even more pointless consumption of Tunes, Lockets and/or Strepsils and finally, exclusively in the male control group, paralysis.
Under observation, it was observed that in most cases neither group sneezed naturally and that the female subjects tended to suppress and mask their sneezes with cute affectations. Among the most annoying were the onomatopoeic “choos” drawing the “Aw bless” platitude from fellow women subjects and looks of derision and bewilderment from Scientists who had to be restrained from prescribing unnecessary sedatives. In males who tended to the more extreme end of the sneeze amplification scale. Sneezes were often built up over the course of 15 to 20 seconds and accompanied by dramatic inhalations, a drop in vocal register and a physical recoil backwards, as if the sneezer were the victim of a small grenade explosion. “Followed immediately by an ego driven spray of nasty dirty germs as fast as possible because they all want to beat the (nonexistent) 100mph sneeze speed record. (b)Especially near children and older, more frail relatives © scientists observed.
After some highly intensive research, some of it lasting 10 to 15 minutes on Google and Wikipedia. Both gender’s behaviours, at each extreme, were tenuously linked to a prehistoric throwback gene sequence identified as “ATICATAC”
An unnamed source at the university stated. “I’m Professor McClure, and in my opinion the ATICATAC gene is a recessive flight or fight signature which largely exists in male carriers and manifests itself as an extreme defense reflex. This response dictates that the body when faced with its own sickness and the potential external threat of lizards with fins stuck to their backs would either, in the case of females, suppress the sneeze thus making them less vulnerable to discovery from any threat, no matter how unconvincing. Or, in the case of males of the species, sneezes were designed purely to ward off giant Sabre Toothed Tigers and Kraken.“ Professor McCloud then went to say that “This gene is bloody useless and should have become dormant as soon as people started to migrate from the African continent. I mean, I started losing my hair at 18 and for some reason we still have a deep subconscious need to chase off encroaching Hydra. What’s that all about?” Professor McGinty was unavailable for comment.
Another scientist who is actually employed at the university had this to say. “Man-Flu itself is entirely fictional. What actually occurs is that in males, the self inflicted exaggeration of the sneeze reflex (fuck knows why,) - Have any of you guys got a fag? I’m trying to quit but oh, cheers mate. Gagging. Umm yeah. - causes greater damage to the mucoid producing glands, in the first instance this strips away more protective tissue and fluids from the throat than occur when the female sneezes, thus increasing the size of the affected area, prompting higher concentrations of antibodies to go to work sending the body’s defence mechanisms into overdrive. Hence the more severe later male stage symptoms than those for women infected at the same time. Sod them. it’s their own fault. It’s not like a wooly mammoth is going to knock down the door of 23 Acacia Avenue is it? They want to pull themselves together.”
There you have it. Anonymous egghead professor tells men to abandon traditional hetero-hominid cultural and behavioral signifiers in favour of opening themselves up to peer mockery and possible verbal and physical abuse.
Sounds controversial. Is it?
(a) Man Flu. The same flu every bastard gets but Oh No. You’ve got to be Mr. “I’m not going to make it.” You bloody drama queen. 3 days off work? What do you mean you shouldn’t cook in case the kids get it? Where do you think we got it?
(b) Dr. Gerald Hangnail. Self hating TV Psychologist and sexual health pundit.
(c) ”Rarely accompanied by a hand over the mouth” - Subject B7′s Nan
The study also found that men who sneezed quietly were more confident in their sexuality.
turnnoffyourmind
gummygunk
blakekathryn
jacobvanloon
