The Point Is...

A perspective on what matters

[thepointiswhat]

Epiphany.

I made a bucket list last year. And I achieved some of the stuff on there but actually most of it remains a bucket list. And somehow, the aspirational me that wrote that list has disappeared and now it feels like everything on there is so unachievable and unreachable.

These past couple of years has gone past me at 100mph and I look back on it and all I see is a blur. And I've just realised that I've spent all my time trying to make everyone around me happy. Everyone from my parents, my family, my friends and work. And I've forgotten about myself. I've forgotten to love myself. I forgot who I am.

I had a hard time at work this last year which resulted in a terrible annual appraisal. A rating that meant I couldn't get a promotion and I nearly quit. I got offered more responsibility and it was a chance to prove myself so I took it and I worked damn hard. And this year's appraisal...I got the best rating possible. You'd think it would make me happy but it doesn't mean anything; not anything real or substantial. Tangibly, it means that I'll get a promotion, I'll get some more money, I'll make my way up the corporate ladder but at what cost? At the cost of my life is the answer. Sacrifice is needed for all or any ambition in life but too much sacrifice or compromise changes the shape and balance of your life. It focuses on one area and pushes everything else to the bottom. Today, I look at the work I do and think, is this my ambition? My passion? My aim? What am I even doing this for? Ambition and passion are great things but need to be focused in the right direction. I’ve never known or explored what my direction is. I’ve let things in my life steer me instead of taking the lead.

My job has been my lead for the past 2 years. And everything and everyone else has fallen by the waist side. It wasn't intentional, it was just a goal I had set myself, a point I needed to prove to 'other people' but I've paid a price in the process. Whenever I wasn't working, I would frantically spend time managing my life. Not living it but managing it. I still do. Managing time with family, time with friends, sleep. And that's all there’s been time for. Unsurprisingly, I haven't done any of those things well. Ultimately, there hasn't been time for me to do the things I love. Like dancing, reading, researching new topics, learning about what I love, enjoying the things I love, being present in every moment. Autopilot is the only setting I've known. And the funny thing about autopilot, is you don’t even realise it’s happening. 

People say work isn't personal, but it is for me. When you work so hard that it's time away from your family, friends and life, how can that not be personal? I've tried to please everyone and I've spread myself so thinly that actually I don't feel like I’ve pleased anyone. And in the process I have neglected myself, physically and mentally. I've pushed myself down to the bottom of the list and now I'm so far down that hole that I can't see a way out. 

Astonishingly, somehow I've managed to mask the feelings for so long, but it was actually a rejection from a man I was dating that pushed me over the edge and made me realise how out of control my life is. Thinking about it now, it's not that I wanted a relationship with him, we didn't even know each other yet and weirdly, I felt a sense of relief because this past week I’ve been having anxiety because it wasn’t right between us. Something was off and I knew it but just told myself it was early days. I ignored myself again.

If I'm honest, him putting a stop to seeing me made me realise that I have absolutely no idea what I want. Because I haven't listened to myself in so long. I've been listening to what everyone wants for me and thinks is right for me that I assumed a relationship is what I want and need. A good job is what I want and need. More money is what I want and need. Hearing my thoughts today has made me realise how insecure I feel about myself. And how I've never felt so low and lost before.

I'm the one that’s known by my family and friends for my confidence and fun-loving attitude. And I've tried to keep it up because that’s the expectation that people have of me. I've done such a good job, I even fooled myself. It's only today I realised, I'm not okay. I'm riddled with anxiety, fear and stress and its become a part of my life. My routine.

I need to make a change. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to love myself. Not for anyone else but for my own sanity. How can I expect anyone to love me if I can't love myself? I just don't know how or where to begin...

[thepointiswhat]

#6 The Ripple Effect

What's the meaning of life? We’re born, we live, and we die. Some people are born into wealth and riches and some into extreme poverty. The kind of poverty that knows not where the next meal is coming from, if ever. The world is not a fair place. But this is the world we, the human race, have built. We have let our minds rule us. Greed, anger, gluttony, lust; all of these traits are the making of our minds. We've accepted war, murder and rape; and we turn a blind eye whilst it happens under our very noses. Hitler killed an entire race of innocent people because they were Jewish. He didn't see people, he saw Jews. The KKK saw a skin colour. The Sinhalese government see a Tamil (because let's face it, that war isn't over). 

Aren't we all just humans?

Since the dawn of time, the human race has fought for 'their' land and 'their' people. Within animals, there's an innate instinct to protect their own kind and to defend against threat. As humans, we have the same innateness but we also have the ability to reason. This ability comes from our consciousness, our mind. So why do some induce war and others love? We don't just protect our own kind; instead we invade, rule and enslave each other. We create the very threat that we fight to protect ourselves against, but for what reason? Animals need to hunt to survive. In the face of life or death, they choose to live. Humans, on the other hand, fight to kill, to rule, to boost their ego. The human race has fallen deep into a state of despair and it's as if we don't know any way out. The only way forward is to start wars, bomb innocent women and children, to rape, to murder.

I’ve always believed there is an almighty power, there is a God. One God. An all loving God that doesn't discriminate against colour, religion, caste or creed. Yet, we humans take the power of God into our own hands and kill in the name of God. Our God. Because Our God only cares about Our People. He doesn't care for that little Afghan child that is being beaten and dragged through the mud by his hair, that is being thrashed with a whip and hung by its feet. Because that’s what this child is in the eyes of war, an 'it.' There's nothing human about this child. This child isn't one of us, it’s one of them. And they are evil, so we must kill it. At what point, do you stop and think?  When do you put yourselves in the heart of that child and feel their suffering? When do stop justifying your actions and realise that you have lost control of your mind? You are a puppet following the orders of evil. Wake up. I know it's not all black and white. Things are complicated, so politically complicated that sometimes people don't even know what they're fighting for. Not really. They're brainwashed. They've been told of great injustices and that they must fight to save their people. They are conditioned to hate. Children are drugged and conditioned to fight. They are threatened within an inch of their life that if they don't kill, they will be killed.

So many a time, I sit and ask myself, why is there so much hatred in this world? Compassion is present, love is there but hatred is ever prevalent. I guess the only way to fight for love over hatred, is to live a life that promotes peace. If everyone lived life with the realisation that we are all human, we are one and the same; then maybe there's a chance for a shift in the world's mind set. Maybe I'm delusional but for my own sanity, I have to believe that you can't fight hatred with more hate. You have to meet hate with love. Singlehandedly, I might not be able to change the world but if Martin Luther King or Gandhi or Rosa Parks had thought that they couldn't change the world, I wouldn't want imagine the kind of world we'd be living in today.

But now when I think about the state of the world, it's undeniably overwhelming. There's still so much wrong, corruption and evil, it's easy to feel helpless.

Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. - John F. Kennedy

We fight to gain riches, land and power. We war with countries, with other races, with our families. But what will we take with us when we die? We come into this world with not a stitch on our bodies, do we expect to leave with anything more? You can spend your entire life fighting to gain an inch of land, a wealth of riches but when you take that last breath, there is no force powerful enough that will allow you to take even a handful of that wealth. 

I’ve often said that I wish people could realise all their dreams and wealth and fame; so that they could see that it’s not where you’re going to find your sense of completion. - Jim Carrey 

This is my motivation to go out and make a change, however small. Love and compassion is the meaning of my life. Because at the end of the day or the end of my life, I want to sleep knowing that I made a difference. It’s not about money or power, all of that is temporary. 

Wake up each day and remember that. It’ll influence your actions. You might suddenly be more willing to give up your seat on the tube or to give some food to the homeless man you walk past everyday on your way to work; or to have a meaningful interaction with another human being. Your actions might not stop a war, but a lifetime of positive actions will have a ripple effect on those around you. Take a step in altering the world’s mind set - a step in the right direction.

[thepointiswhat]

If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience; or does he give them an opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage; or the opportunity to be courageous? If someone prays for their family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them an opportunity to love each other?

[thepointiswhat]

#5 Rhythm(less)

I think I dance all the time in pretty much everything I do. On the way to work, at my desk, watching the telly, cooking, walking from room to room in my house. But my all time favourite places to dance are in my car and in the safety blanket that is my bedroom. Here is where I have the most rhythm of anyone ever to have graced this earth. I'm Beyonce mixed with MJ with the swag of Chris Brown (minus the umbrella of course). And I could be jamming to an old school rnb track, the latest summer anthem or a medley of all the best pop songs ever written but whatever the song, I look and feel damn good.

So why is it that as soon as I decide to attend studio classes (with the pros), it's like I've stepped into the twilight zone. My left leg might as well be my right arm because suddenly the signals in my brain have become jumbled up. 

My right arm needs to swipe across whilst I step my right leg in front of the left whilst my legs are slightly bent and then my left leg follows by stepping out in front of my other leg. Oh wait I don't have three legs! 

I walk into class and I know what to expect. I've been here before (a lot) but I seem to have an incredible ability to repress traumatic memories.

One wall is a huge mirror and the studio contains at least 30 people: 28 pros, me, and my friend. Everyone starts freestyle stretching (this is the worst). You awkwardly look around thinking if I start stretching right now, everyone will know I'm clueless. So I awkwardly watch myself in the mirror bend down, touch my toes, face full of doubt, get up, lean to one side, awkwardly laugh, stand up and then go to my default stretch of pulling my foot to my bum and realising that actually I can't keep my balance. 

Teaching starts after a few minutes of stretching (a lifetime!). Usually the beginning is relatively OK, I'm getting the moves and my confidence is growing. We go over it a couple of times. I'm checking myself in the mirror and surprisingly, I look pretty good. Not as good as Beyonce in my bedroom but this is going well. 

Then the music starts and the tempo increases by a factor of 10 which apparently is common knowledge in the dance world. I gear myself up for the routine. I can do this, I know the moves, it's simple physics or is it biology? Chemistry? (Not that I'd have chemistry with anyone in this room after the earlier stretching debacle). 

Music starts, brain fails...every time. But the deeper into the class we get, the better it starts to become. I know I'm not pulling off every move but I'm keeping up, I'm getting a workout and I love the feeling of hitting that beat in the music, so perfectly timed. 

But then we start to reach the final 15 minutes of class, kind of like when you reach your mid twenties, it's a downwards spiral to 30!

The choreographer realises that they've only taught about a third of their piece so they say and I quote 'Do you want to learn the last part? It's easy, you guys have got this!' which directly translates to 'I'm going to teach you 5 eights in 2 and half minutes because I want everyone to see my choreography. Bothered if you can't do it love!' 

They then teach a 3 minute music video faster than the speed of light. I can't comprehend what's going on because a) I've subconcsciously cornered myself into the furthest, darkest place of the studio and b) my eyes and brain can't register the irratic movements flashing before my eyes. 

At this point, my brain is firing signals all over the shop and my arms and legs are flailing around like they've a life of their own. I think I'm executing the moves but the mirror is confirming the complete opposite. My body is basically having a series of spasms which should actually be slide, step, jump and hit! Let's just say its not a pretty site and that's how every studio class takes shape.

But in all honesty, I'll continue to go because I thrive on the humiliation (it's character building you know) but more importantly I really love to dance. Even though I'm completely out of my comfort zone, I still try and I want to push myself further. It's important to always challenge yourself. When you get comfortable is when you stop learning. 

Although, it would be nice to get comfortable in a class just once!

[q-rosity]

[thepointiswhat]

Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total; of all those acts will be written the history of this generation.

Robert F Kennedy

[thepointiswhat]

#6 Sabbatical?

Today I met someone at work who just came back from a 3 month sabbatical. Immediate mental notes to self: 1) Google the meaning of sabbatical 2) What shall I have for lunch today? 3) Oh my god, am I missing a meeting right now? (To be honest, this thought crosses my mind at least 4 times a day! Oh the stress of work).   But all that was thrown by the waist side when I realised that he had been traveling for 3 months whilst being paid a partial salary! And for those, like me, that didn't quite know what sabbatical meant, don't hold your head in shame. There are 171,476 words in the dictionary, you can't know them all! In a recent game of scrabble, I found out that quirn is a word, so is beel and unfortunately for me, flub is not. See below definitons of all of the above. (Who ever said blogging wasn't an education?!)

Sabbatical: a period of paid leave granted to a professional for study or travel, traditionally one year for every seven years worked Quirn: A mill for grinding grain, the upper stone of which is turned by hand. Beel: A beel is a term for billabong or a lake‑like wetland with static water, in the Ganges ‑ Brahmaputra flood plains of the Eastern Indian states of West Bengal, and Assam and in the country of Bangladesh. 

Thanks Wikipedia...

Train of thought temporarily lost...

My next set of thoughts weren't actually thoughts. More like verbal diarrhoea or to be politically correct, excited ramblings enquiring about how I could get sabbatical myself and what I would do with it. An entire 3 months of freedom.

I spent the rest of the day 'working' and not dreaming up ideas and plans about what I could achieve if I was granted sabbatical. I could dedicate myself wholly to my life's work, particularly #6. He told me how he had stumbled across an inquisitive rickshaw driver who openly and excitedly told him all about his village and the life he leads. Instead of the 10 minute journey to his hostel, they took a slight detour. I say slight, it was more like an hour and half into deep Cambodian suburbia where they stopped by the local shop, bought a coconut each, and continued on their journey. Sipping on coconut water, the rickshaw driver (let's nickname him Ricky) proudly showed off his village. They came across a small shack which turned out to be the local school. Unlike the schools here, filled with resources, books, computers and for the most part, exacerbated children that would much rather bunk than stand another maths lesson; this school was just a single room with no pens, pencils or books. Instead there was a single blackboard slate, some chalk pieces and a couple of old newspapers. The kids were sharing the board between them and learning to read with the same old tatty newspaper pieces that dated back to 2013.

Ricky then went on to tell him how this is a normal school day for these Cambodian children. This was their life. Struck by this, he called upon social media using it for what, in my opinion, is its best asset: raising awareness for things that matter. Not to boast about what he had for breakfast or to post a selfie with Ricky about his off road Cambodian adventure with his coconuts in full view! (although that would have definitely got a like from me). He used it to reach out to everyone he knew, to spread the word about this so called school... £5000 within 24 hours! He went back the very next day with a tonne of school supplies. Just goes to show what you can do when you go out into the world, open your eyes and step out of the bubble we live in. I'm not saying that if you post selfies and drive a nice car, that you don't care about the world and the people in it. And maybe charity starts at home...we do what we can for our loved ones (like emptying the dishwasher when we’re told).

I guess the point is that it's easy to take things for granted. And meeting people with inspiring stories are like little meant-to-be reminders to be grateful for what you have.

[thepointiswhat]

Another Bucket List...really?

1) Volunteer abroad Aug 2015 2) Apply for a job abroad for 1 year 3) Spend more time with my family 4) Get in shape (exercise and diet) the appearance of abs is preferable! 5) Dance class at least once a week 6) Make a difference: brainstorm ideas to start a charity 7) Sky dive in Europe (I nearly did in Dubai but alas, it was not meant to be!) My bucket list probably looks a bit like yours, doesn't it? Everyone has the getting in shape, family time and / or traveling related goals that they set themselves every year. And every year, come December 31st, we've either conveniently forgotten what we signed ourselves up for or we just think what's the point in the all this resolution malarchy when no one ever sticks to it?

Well the point is...to make a difference, well at least for me anyway. And although I've broken many a resolution in my years, I felt like recently I've hit a wall and even though I'm 3 months late this year, I figured better late than never.

And instead of calling them New Year’s Resolutions or a Bucket List (before you grab a bucket to be sick in), I'm going to rename them 'My Life's Work' as a working title. Because that's what this list is...a work in progress. The list might grow, some of them might even change or get removed altogether. But seeing as it’s mine, I guess I can do what I want.

And if I don’t achieve all of this in 2015, there's always 2016, 2017 and hopefully by the time I'm 50, I can look back at 'My Life's Work’ with a smile. 

The top priority on 'My Life's Work' is making a difference somehow to someone somewhere. As cliché as it sounds, Robert F Kennedy once said, 'Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total; of all those acts will be written the history of this generation.' Sat at my office desk day in day out, I have this uncontrollable urge to make a change. I wonder what impact the 70 emails I send a day and the 100 I receive are making in this world. What will I be remembered for? (this is the wall I’ve hit!) For years, its been eating me up inside slowly but surely. And instead of doing something about it, like so many others, I've let my job suck me in and take over. Don't get me wrong, I've been fortunate enough to travel to some amazing places in the world. I've met some inspirational people and I have experienced some incredible things which I may write about later if you're lucky ;) but in all of that travelling, one experience changed my entire mind set and my life if I'm honest. I never knew that by volunteering for a scheme in Honduras, that I'd accidentally somehow end up in Nepal living in an orphanage caring for some of world’s poorest children. Poor from a Western perspective but actually they were the richest young people I've ever met. Despite their pain and hardships, they were rich with laughter, love, ambition and an understanding of life that some of us in our 30s, 40s and 50s can't even comprehend.

Lessons learned: 1) Life isn't money. Money is a means to an end. 2) Having an orphaned child call me mum brought me to tears and I realised that love is all powerful and the impact that you have on others is the strongest currency. 3) I cried when leaving the orphanage in Nepal only to be consoled by a 12 year old child who said, 'Don't cry, I miss my family and friends but that's life. What matters is how you make other people feel.' (He also called me fat on a daily basis hence #4 of ‘My Life’s Work). 4) Material things, clothes, shoes, cars and big houses are all nice to have but ignorance to the world's suffering isn't the way forward. 5) A single mango that costs less than 5p can make a child's day! 6) Even if you can't change the world, a single act of kindness can make a difference. It might not be monumental in comparison to the world but to that one person you help, it will be.

So this is my journey to make a change. I don't know how yet. All I know is I want to make an active effort to do something that means something and that effort starts now...