Epiphany.
I made a bucket list last year. And I achieved some of the stuff on there but actually most of it remains a bucket list. And somehow, the aspirational me that wrote that list has disappeared and now it feels like everything on there is so unachievable and unreachable.
These past couple of years has gone past me at 100mph and I look back on it and all I see is a blur. And I've just realised that I've spent all my time trying to make everyone around me happy. Everyone from my parents, my family, my friends and work. And I've forgotten about myself. I've forgotten to love myself. I forgot who I am.
I had a hard time at work this last year which resulted in a terrible annual appraisal. A rating that meant I couldn't get a promotion and I nearly quit. I got offered more responsibility and it was a chance to prove myself so I took it and I worked damn hard. And this year's appraisal...I got the best rating possible. You'd think it would make me happy but it doesn't mean anything; not anything real or substantial. Tangibly, it means that I'll get a promotion, I'll get some more money, I'll make my way up the corporate ladder but at what cost? At the cost of my life is the answer. Sacrifice is needed for all or any ambition in life but too much sacrifice or compromise changes the shape and balance of your life. It focuses on one area and pushes everything else to the bottom. Today, I look at the work I do and think, is this my ambition? My passion? My aim? What am I even doing this for? Ambition and passion are great things but need to be focused in the right direction. I’ve never known or explored what my direction is. I’ve let things in my life steer me instead of taking the lead.
My job has been my lead for the past 2 years. And everything and everyone else has fallen by the waist side. It wasn't intentional, it was just a goal I had set myself, a point I needed to prove to 'other people' but I've paid a price in the process. Whenever I wasn't working, I would frantically spend time managing my life. Not living it but managing it. I still do. Managing time with family, time with friends, sleep. And that's all there’s been time for. Unsurprisingly, I haven't done any of those things well. Ultimately, there hasn't been time for me to do the things I love. Like dancing, reading, researching new topics, learning about what I love, enjoying the things I love, being present in every moment. Autopilot is the only setting I've known. And the funny thing about autopilot, is you don’t even realise it’s happening.
People say work isn't personal, but it is for me. When you work so hard that it's time away from your family, friends and life, how can that not be personal? I've tried to please everyone and I've spread myself so thinly that actually I don't feel like I’ve pleased anyone. And in the process I have neglected myself, physically and mentally. I've pushed myself down to the bottom of the list and now I'm so far down that hole that I can't see a way out.
Astonishingly, somehow I've managed to mask the feelings for so long, but it was actually a rejection from a man I was dating that pushed me over the edge and made me realise how out of control my life is. Thinking about it now, it's not that I wanted a relationship with him, we didn't even know each other yet and weirdly, I felt a sense of relief because this past week I’ve been having anxiety because it wasn’t right between us. Something was off and I knew it but just told myself it was early days. I ignored myself again.
If I'm honest, him putting a stop to seeing me made me realise that I have absolutely no idea what I want. Because I haven't listened to myself in so long. I've been listening to what everyone wants for me and thinks is right for me that I assumed a relationship is what I want and need. A good job is what I want and need. More money is what I want and need. Hearing my thoughts today has made me realise how insecure I feel about myself. And how I've never felt so low and lost before.
I'm the one that’s known by my family and friends for my confidence and fun-loving attitude. And I've tried to keep it up because that’s the expectation that people have of me. I've done such a good job, I even fooled myself. It's only today I realised, I'm not okay. I'm riddled with anxiety, fear and stress and its become a part of my life. My routine.
I need to make a change. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to love myself. Not for anyone else but for my own sanity. How can I expect anyone to love me if I can't love myself? I just don't know how or where to begin...














