spency's journal

[thepurplearsenic]

"existence"

Can you sense the pattern?

Of what that doubled down curiosity made you

That sweet sense of reality that played you

What depth of serenity you crave.

I find it quite amusing

Detaching from the present ruling

To think that maybe I'm still asleep

That all of this is just a bad dream.

I'd wake up in the morning

Pretend I'm not hurting at all

Even if I'm still hoping that I'm still seven years old.

When will the feeling of peace

Come and sit by me at least

To think that my soul is at a lease to feel calm.

All that I ever wanted was to go

Find my way back into proper control

Search for the courage, get new insights

Not just a damaged piece of clothing in the hall.

I have never expected that I'd be more than 20

It's a shame to loose a life so early

But that's what I'm expecting to go

Not be still alive wandering these halls.

Now there's a new sight to ponder

My vision's blurry and darkened

When is this disaster going to fall?

There's no reason for my being

I'm just a number in the company payroll

Adding up to the economy's great fall.

[thepurplearsenic]

"We're all just two decisions away from changing all that we are"

Make it make sense: 15

[thepurplearsenic]

"I don't want to be known anymore."

Make it make sense: 14

[paper-wounds]

[paper-wounds]

via

[cansu-m]

[sadmates]

[thepurplearsenic]

PTSD

Feared September, was something I wasn't known for.

Grave disaster, written but not sure why it occurred.

Tiny bits of madness hidden in plain sight,

Emerging from its darkness in this 20 something life.

Mental exams can have fabricated results

If you see through their words and their symbols.

Children in a storm are subject to be healed.

For a very long time I've kept my quiet tears.

Counseling could be helpful,

But always deemed unremarkable.

And so sleeping is a kill,

Waiting for another rising before feeling unwell.

With the information laid down

Is it my fault that I couldn't get out?

When I don't know how to be calm.

[thepurplearsenic]

I Look Outside The Window

I wonder where my brain went from here

It's a wonder why all I feel is fear

Triggered emotions of past, brought me to my new chaotic laugh

Should stop reading in between lines

"Why must you should be seen everytime?"

Keep your emotions at bay, this life is not yours to take.

And with that ridiculous fate, you have once been fooled all and again

Heaven said you need to learn things

That are involve in this stage.

I may be in the same house

With people I don't know now

I look outside the window

Cause I know I don't belong in this house.

So I look outside the window

Searching for people I know

Familiar faces of the past, present and future.

I look outside the window

Why must I think so shallow?

I still feel lonely in a crowded room.

Stack of paperwork had came down

I'm relieved cause it's my distraction now

But I'm still, at the moment, stuck in this couch.

My chest feels so tight and it feels harder to breath

It's like an infarction is a near second to beat

What a weak heart.

And no one notices in the house that I'm in

I'm slowly loosing my shit, going downsouth

My mind is spiraling downsouth.

And so I look outside the window

Hoping someone would call the paramedics to follow

This might feel all psychological, but it's manifesting into a somatic disorder.

I look outside the window

With my eyes crying for help to come follow

"Why am I so shallow?"

Triggered emotions of the past.

Karmic display of an old man's wrath.

[thepurplearsenic]

new year's resolution

You know I leave when I'm not given everything

Because I pour myself into anyone I think is amazing

I always keep myself on my toes until one December evening

I continued dreaming, even in the morning.

The warmth lingered a short time until I, received my brain back

My friends taught me how to be better, so I'm leaving your train tracks.

I realized it was not romantic but rather problematic

It's coming off as if I'm desperate, but hilariously in my mind it's all platonic.

The verdict came crashing like a train accident

And the concussion brought me back to the present.

It's all just a ruse,

I may be a fool but it won't last long till I check out

The moment was fun but it needs to be done

Intentions were not clear and the seasons changed quite quickly

If you're not obsessed, I'll leave you in the pile with the rest.

[thepurplearsenic]

"I'm only in touch with my emotions when I'm with you"

Make it make sense: 13

[thepurplearsenic]

Daddy's Girl

I search for the warmth of my father's embrace

In every guy I decided to chase

My mind, has never been this insane.

I keep forgetting the world's always turning

Moving forward to the future we all have been waiting

But in my head, I believe I'm only dreaming.

I don't think I've ever grown up I feel like a child

Been treated that way until I'm expected to be an adult now

And nobody taught me how.

The weight of my past leaves a trail of memory gaps

I crave serenity, but I'm frustrated as I always collapse

Loose all my balance when I remember the past.

So with fashion and technology, make up and vulnerability

I show off myself like I'm a meat that's for sale

To gain, attention I long to be held.

The scars they never leave me

I patch them with pretty band-aids and tell myself I'm artsy

My tears are always flowing, even if they are invisible

They say "Do it for the plot" but I don't like my story

Deeply nagging headaches

Fear of abandonment

Trust issues

"What good is left for me?"

When I only want my father to be here?

[thepurplearsenic]

The Weight of Memory

Morning came on so quickly it's like I never slept

The cold breeze of october is freezing although we're not there yet

And the rain pours so quietly but loud and angry at night

By then your face comes in my mind like I'm missing you all my life.

Serenity is long forgotten the moment I look for you

I guess no amount of distance will make me clean from the thought of you

And our world is so small it's like everyone is your friend

I am so afraid I would stumble upon you again.

I wonder what it's like if we have never met

You could become an acquaintance or someone I would easily forget

It's my fault that my mind knows exactly what to think

When I'm feeling gloomy and less groovy in the weather I'm in.

I look upon old conversation where your name would pop up

I can see how much I changed but my longingness for you did not

Your smiles are so contagious and your eyes reminds me of youth

But I would always make you sad whenever I'm near of you.

I stay awake for hours just wondering what it could have been

It's seems like everyone around us is rooting for you and me

If I could only bring back yesterday and held on to hope

But I'm too messed up to even think about positive thoughts.

It's been years since I've last seen you and I have no means to connect

I bet the world you're in now treats you so much better than I have

Although reoccurring dreams of you are something I can't forget

Is it a sign to let go even if I,

physically,

spiritually,

and mentally,

cannot...

[thepurplearsenic]

cool guy

I bought this dress so you would notice me smiling

You bright up my day without even knowing

I know I should've just used all my words

But I don't trust myself, it will only make things worse.

You're nothing like the others, you're someone I can rely

The game has taken its toll, I see

How do you even manage all the things you like?

You always take second glances, I don't know what it means.

You're such a cool guy

How do you ever manage to make me notice those eyes?

I like to keep things quiet, do I make you feel not right?

I like a little slow burn

But I get impatient.

I took notice the moment I entered the building

I thought you only find me new but nothing interesting

I like the way you make secret glances

It won't take long that I'll eventually notice.

I keep it on the down low but I openly agree

I bet you heard my voice when I scream your name with glee

You're the only thing I find a little interesting here

Will you make a move because the break is getting near?

You're such a cool guy

I know I'm becoming redundant, I hope it's alright

I'm feeling a little giddy with all the cute smiles

I don't feel the need for a drama

Or extravaganza

Just want to watch you play like a cool guy.

[anxietyproblem]

[echoesoftheinfinite]

Made to love, but not to be loved; made to understand, but not to be understood; always the poet, never the poetry.

[thepurplearsenic]

🫠

[thepurplearsenic]

rebound

What's this feeling

My chest is tightening

When did our mellow fade into black?

When did I lost track?

Our friendship was growing

We eventually become something

But then everything we built has turned into ash

When you had a flashback from the past

She may not have any intention

"Then why are you desperate for her attention?"

I was here when she left you alone.

We bonded over late night talks, summer and vacation

Our mothers both love our relations

But it seems that you have outgrown.

Was this all a way for you to forget?

Cause one smile from her you eventually step back

Am I fool to believe that it has always been me?

Or did you only want a distraction to forget that she exists

You never had the guts to ask her out

She's an old friend, an old flame still burning

Is the timing perfect now?

Leave me hanging, from the messages I'm sending

"Why are you looking for her in this old town?"

Tell me the truth I can't go any longer

"Was I conveniently placed for you to go over?"

Even if you have gone deeper with all of your issues

I'm always the one to pull you through

What makes her perfect than me?

Is it cause she's too high for you to reach

She knows what she's worth

And she knows what she wants

As from the moment she stopped loving you she was gone.

Out of your sight with no closure and goodbyes

Then there was me as a sunny delight

Did you picture her with me while we're having the time of our life?

Why did you play with me when you wanted to be with her all this time?