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the unbiased consensus is that one of these snubs was inexcusable
it’s actually so blatant
there’s seriously no excuse for this
I love tumblr because somehow I can end up being mutuals with a celebrity (someone that wrote a fic that I loved)
free my girl she did all that and that’s what makes her such a compellingly complex character. that’s her essence
Hi!!! Are there masterposts to access your commentary on all your AUs? I've lowk been reblogging like crazy but if there was one masterpost it would be way easier and your analysis is amazing?? Like geniunely you should write an essay on everything HR fans are missing about hockey culture because I'm learning so much from your blog and it reframes Shane in a whole new light. Like I'm from California and don't give a shit about organized sports in general I had no idea hockey was that insane in Canada?? Point being I want to know more about the summer crash out AU and can't find it and already reblogged the masterpost for the Sochi AU and would love something similar for snapping birches if possible no pressure ofc!!
Hi! I unfortunately do not make masterposts for my AUs. I try to tag “snapping birch” on everything dealing with snapping birch, but other than that, there’s no centralized post with everything.
While I do not have my own masterpost for the child star crashout summer au, the incomparable @triassictriserratops has been a hero of the fucking ages and compiled one, which you can find here.
liking a ship but disliking the distinct set of stock fanon that they have been assigned is like one of those punishments dante came up with when he wrote the worldbuilding for hell in inferno
Forever thinking about “Boston is nice too?” and wanting to throw up about it. Just sitting on the floor of a gym across from the stranger who would be the Shane of his existence like.
I am so far away from home. I am so afraid but I cannot show it. I’m going to be all on my own out there and people are not kind to me. I’ve always been alone, but never this kind of alone before. I don’t really know you, but you seemed kind. And earnest. You would not lie to me. Is it safe? Will I be happy there and safe? Boston is nice too?
Ougghhhhgg. My brave little bug I’mgping to be sick
The evil was deafeated! No c*rt*r h*rt engraved on the cup
LETS FUCKING GO
Somewhere in sochi au a teenage Joseph Bainbridge is like. Going through several confusing sexuality crisis about whether it is or isn't gay to want to bang Shane Hollander
pssssshhhhhhh minor oc Joseph Bainbridge gets to universe hop across the fics I’m obsessed
I've been thinking about Rose Landry fans in your Child Star Crash Out AU so have some in-universe memes written by her fans
RECOGNITION FOR MY GIRL I LOVE THEM
one of my favourite things about the sochi au is that 100% they both think that they have trapped the other person. they are both absolutely convinced for a While that, given the chance, the other person would NOT be doing this, like "he would be better with Literally Anyone Else, oh no i am such a terrible awful person for shackling this man to me and for secretly kind of enjoying that he is shackled to me because i like him, which makes me even worse!!!!"
also if jj and hayden are in Crisis, how are the bears taking it? because personally i'm imagining marlow tweeting about "oh hell yeah brother this makes so much sense!!! of course your montreal jane is hollander!" because his boy deserves only the best. his tweets about this and how the best is obviously Hockey Superstar And Noted Model, Shane Hollander go viral.
In the immediate aftermath of this, the Boston Raiders try to I Am Spartacus their boy’s sexuality. It goes. Poorly.
Fundamentally, the issue is that they just get in front of a camera and let Cliff Marleau speak for them without first planning what they’re going to say.
The thing is, they are made immediately aware of the fact that Ilya Rozanov being gay in Russia endangers #theirboy’s continued existence and also his ability to return to their muscular embrace. They cannot abide by this. Free their man.
They decide to take the hard stance that Ilya Rozanov is NOT gay. They are aware that there is video proof that he shoved Shane Hollander against a wall and then also his tongue down Shane Hollander’s throat. It was NOT in a gay kind of way. How. How could that not be in a gay kind of way. Well. You see. That’s because it was Shane Hollander. It is NOT gay if it’s for Shane Hollander. You DO NOT have to be gay to be down for Shane Hollander. That is still a totally straight experience. They’ve all thought about it. All of them. Isn’t. Isn’t that right boys?
The Boston Raiders feel this is a large demand to ask of their brotherhood but are willing to commit nevertheless. They. They sure have thought of that. All. All of them. They’ve all thought about shoving Shane Hollander against the wall and kissing him with tongue. And that’s a normal, straight person experience. The whole NHL thinks that, even.
If, if anything, it’s their fault the kiss happened. Because Ilya does not want to kiss Shane Hollander. He wants to kiss Shane Hollander the least out of all of them, because. Rivals. But he, he was obviously drunk as shit when this happened, and they’ve. Talked.
About it.
Around him.
They. They totally talk about wanting to take Shane Hollander manfully against a wall to and around Ilya. They do that all the time. And Ilya is not into it. Because he is straight and. Rivalry. They, the Boston Raiders, they just. Talked about wanting to kiss and. Do other things. To Shane Hollander so, so much around Ilya that it. It just totally confused his drunken mind. Maybe one of them even dared him to do it. Carmichael thinks that maybe. Maybe he can remember daring him to do that.
Anyway uh. If there’s anyone who’s gay for Shane Hollander, it’s, it’s them, and not Ilya Rozanov, who is 100% straight. So uh. Shane Hollander if you’re ever, ever thinking about exploring some things about yourself, maybe. Give the Boston Raiders a call. They’re. They’re ready for you, stallion. But uh. Not Ilya Rozanov. Because he is straight.
Free their man.
Thank you for your time.
This does not fucking help quell the international attention suddenly focused on them. It does not fucking do that at all. The Boston Raiders announcing that Shane Hollander is a source of shared and lustful fixation for the entire team bar Ilya Rozanov, who is straight, is televised in more than 30 countries.
Shane and Ilya see this several hours after it happens when they’ve fully committed to the narrative that they’re in gay love with each other and have finally managed to battle their way into the Canadian embassy. And it’s just.
Shane: *face buried in his own hands*
Ilya: those fucking idiots
And yessss, that’s the entire dynamic that underpins the agony of this fic. They both feel like they’ve trapped the other. They both want a relationship and they feel so, so guilty about that fact because the other person doesn’t actually was them, they’re just trapped with no other options because of what the other did. Ilya feels the guilt of being the person whose benefit this was for. Shane feels the guilt of the person who actually committed them to this narrative. And they both think the other would rather be with anyone else. It’s agony.
In every universe ❤️
Hi I'm thinking about JJ and Hayden in the Sochi Outing AU and how different their roles would DEFINITELY be, right?
Because JJ is literally Shane's roommate at the Olympics, also playing for Team Canada, there are international reporters sticking microphones in his face for a quote IMMEDIATELY, he's gotta publically be a ride-or-die and he's gotta be one now
Meanwhile Hayden is safe at home with Jackie & the twins, and obviously he calls Shane the second Shane's back on Canadian soil to let him know he's his best friend no matter what, even questionable taste in men, and Shane's like "thanks for the support man love you too but uhhh you should not be seen in public with me except at the rink for a very long while because there are crazy people and Russian assassins and crazy Russian assassins who definitely want me dead, and I don't want to share any of that attention with you or Jackie or the kids"
The dynamics would be sooo different in the Sochi Outing AU.
In my mind, J.J. locks the fuck in early, hard, and fast. Like does he love this relationship? Absolutely not. Did he sort of assume that Ilya had just forced a kiss on Shane during Vegas and Shane was faking an entire gay romance to get this asshole out of Russia alive because he was Just That Good Of A Person until Shane accidentally drops the lore to him that they do in fact have biblical knowledge of one another? Yes. Does he think Shane can do better?
Unequivocally.
But that is his fucking boy and J.J. is NOT leaving him in Russia. Shane isn’t leaving without Ilya? Well J.J. isn’t leaving without Shane so Canada’s about to have two Olympians who play for the team with the least normal fanbase (affectionate) on the entire fucking continent die in Russian immigration detention unless this shit gets figured out. Your move, diplomats.
The diplomats really need all of their Olympians to shut the fuck up while they sort this. But they. Are not doing this. It’s just:
J.J., did not get a chance to figure out a story with Shane in advance, has decided the move is to vaguely imply that he Knew The Whole Time without directly confirming either way: *struggling to keep a straight face* it has been the honor of my life to see their love blossom
Carter “Ally” Vaughn, has very suddenly discovered his allyship demands more than just like. Going to watch men’s figure skating: you know when I, when I see them together, I believe in love
J.J., fighting his own gag reflex: the magnetism between them is just. Undeniable.
Scott Hunter, has had WWII air raid sirens going off in his head since this entire mess started: *nodding along* that was really beautifully said
Meanwhile in Canada Hayden Pike is in crisis. His best buddy in the whole world is trying to throw down the gauntlet with fucking Putin for the sake of some Awful Fucking Man. Who he is??? In love with???? Hayden cannot tell if this is a serious relationship or just Shane faking an entire gay romance to get some asshole who forced a kiss on him out of Russia alive because he’s Just That Good Of A Person. Is Shane gay like, for real? Is he gay for Ilya Rozanov?
Did he.
Did he tell J.J. instead of Hayden?
Does Hayden not look like an ally?? Does his buddy think he’s too homophobic to tell him about his star-crossed gay love???? Hayden is in tears. He just wants Shane to be happy and fulfilled and if that means Ilya Rozanov then Hayden can come to terms with that, eventually, he thinks, probably after heavy therapy. Does Shane not know how much he loves him? Because he thought that Shane knew that and if he didn’t know that then Hayden needs him to know that. Hayden is taking his own pulse.
Jackie has to point out five times a day that the Shane’s phone almost definitely has a wiretap by the Russian state and that Hayden absolutely cannot call him crashing out about the state of their bromance until he’s back on Canadian soil. She is. Tired.
am i allowed to say kill all trillionaires or is that too specific of a threat
sochi obaming au - it woul be kinda funny considering thr metros probably. like no matter how homophobic they are now like a degree away from the prime minister of canada and obama and idk other world officials except on twitter . do you think crowells going to be like heyyy keep ur gay shit out of hockey bc i dont think he can say that to the person whos going to get dinner at the white house on thursday . i feel like there cant be speculation about them throwing games when political parties r invested in the targic star crossed innocent victim couple but i guess that angle can also be taken by their opponents. idk this is so fun i love ur au and i know nothing about international affairs
do the cup wins still go as followed in canon? (boston win after sochi and then two back to back montreal (the montreal team does fuckin fall apart at shanes gayness in the story i think but then they did not have world leaders' opinions)) . if they do, i feel like every cup win wiuld have to have commentary on their relationship. and god forbid if the last match was between boston and montreal ! no one would be normal.
I don’t think even Crowell can touch them at this point. The United States and Canada, aka the two governments of the countries the NHL is fucking located in, just moved heaven and earth to get Shane and Ilya out of Russia. The United States specifically did it because they’re trying to use the story and ride the hype to force LGBTQ+ friendly legislation through the House and Senate. If Crowell goes after Shane and Ilya, he is going to get a very angry call from the President of the United States asking why the fuck he’s trying to screw the happy ending of a multi-nation rescue effort.
Like. Crowell just simply cannot afford to touch them. No one is investigating them. No one is making smarmy press releases about supporting traditional family values in the wake of this. Because the eyes of the world are suddenly turned in their direction, and the US specifically wants to make this into the part of a romance movie where the two love interests get to ride off happily into the sunset. If the NHL breaks from that narrative to investigate Shane and Ilya, it becomes increasingly likely that someone decides to turn around and investigate them.
The NHL is frankly a cesspit of systemic abuse. Like. The more I learn about it, the more horrifying it becomes. There was a case in the 90s where a couple of employees of the Toronto Maple Leaves were using their position to sexually abuse children in the stadium. One person eventually broke an NDA the Maple Leaves got him to sign about it and went public, and more than 100 people called the police to say the exact same thing happened to them. Some of them claimed that they’d been calling the Maple leaves for years telling them what had happened and that those employees should not be anywhere near children and they were just. Not investigating. And letting it continue. For years.
The NHL just. Routinely mishandles reports of abuse—verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse. At most, people get slaps on the wrist before they’re reinstated a few years later, which is exactly what happened to a GM who covered up the fact that a Chicago Blackhawks coach was sexually assault one of his own players. He had to step down and was reinstated three years later, and he was immediately rehired by another team. The same bad actors never leave.
And it mishandles other reports too. Multiple players died from complications arising from CTE, a condition that arises from repeat blunt force head trauma, and the NHL purposefully elected not to investigate the condition so they could keep sending players back out post head trauma. Their favorite thing to do is to turn a blind eye.
There are just too many skeletons in the NHL’s closet, and if they piss off multiple world governments, then suddenly those same world governments may get very interested in investigating why their closet doors are always locked. They are gritting their goddamn teeth and shipping Hollanov or they risk sinking the entire boat.
For similar reasons, the Metros cannot get rid of Shane Hollander. They cannot hate crime Shane Hollander. The parasocial relationship he’s in with the entire country has now expanded to encompass an alarming percentage of the human population. The Metros owner is personally attending almost every home game now because every time a visiting dignitary that even vaguely supports queer rights is in the country, they attend a metros game to get a photo op with Shane Hollander. Members of multiple royal families have decided to attend a Metros game. You do not just fucking pass that kind of networking up.
Most people/megacorps that own hockey teams do not exclusively own a hockey team. Sports teams are the billionaire version of an investment property. Their fingers tend to be in many other pies.
Fuck off wealthy businessmen would absolutely kill for the opportunity to rub elbows with world leaders and major politicians that do shit like pass the legislation that affects their other business enterprises. No one on the metros is touching a hair on Shane Hollander’s billion dollar head. Ownership is not letting anything risk this for them.
I think the Metros still struggle in the wake of this. Some of the players are just straight up homophobic. The coach is straight up homophobic. His ass is immediately fired the second it gets back to the owner that he called Shane Hollander a faggot in the locker rooms upon his he return. Players who start shit or who stop playing well with Shane are offloaded. They are traded or sent down to the goddamn AHL.
The Metros cannot afford otherwise. The President of the United States is personally invested in Shane Hollander being one of the faces of gay rights, and they do not want that face to be “even in the best case scenario you will still be ✨hate crimed✨.” The liberal political party in both America and Canada share that investment.
Even beyond politics, the viewership on their broadcast just fucking skyrocketed from already-high numbers to a fuck-off record breaking high because all of those random people who’d never heard of the Metros before the Olympics are tuning in to see their boy again. And also the team is located in goddamn Montreal.
Again, Montreal is one of the most queer-friendly cities in North America, and it has been for a very long time. It has the oldest queer business on the fucking continent. Its gay village is the largest on the continent. And that is a city that loves to fucking riot. When Shane Hollander was outed as gay while in fucking Russia, the prime minister had to go on tv and beg the people of Montreal to not fly to Russia and try to take the riot to Putin because so many of them immediately bought fucking plane tickets to do exactly that. There were an alarming number of middle aged hockey dads who were convinced they were the key to Bringing Their Man Home.
Shane and Ilya went back to Montreal together as part of their Haha Thank You World For Saving Our Lives tour that they have to white knuckle their way through following their return and you would have thought it was goddamn pride month. Montreal was so so ready to embrace its gay hockey boy. They have never loved him more, and they already loved him to an alarming degree. Ilya makes it three days there getting the shovel talk from what feels like the entire population of Quebec before he’s like. Shane. You are being stalked by the entire city that you live in. And Shane’s like. Stalking is a very strong word. And Ilya’s like. Shane. There are shrines to you on what feels like every street in this city. You are like the gay hockey pope to them. And Shane like. Not loving the use of the word “pope” in that sentence. But. Sort of. Yeah.
The metros have no option but to pull the plug on anyone who is not willing to work with Shane after this. He is just worth too much money to them. The entire team would be rebuilt around them if needs must.
I think the cups go the same way they do in canon. Ilya still wins his immediately after Sochi. He would feel like he needed to prove himself more than ever. He just got driven out of his home country. Multiple world leaders had to intervene to get him out alive. Shane Hollander had to set his own life on fire to get him out, and if we go the route that I mentioned in the tags of the last post and say it was the Vegas rooftop kiss that did them in, then Ilya would be blaming himself because he initiated that kiss to begin with. And if you say the Metros had to be rebuilt around Shane because some of them were homophobic to him after, he would feel even worse about it, because he would feel like he had concrete proof that helping him made Shane’s life worse.
Ilya would need that goddamn win. He would want to prove to himself and to the rest of the world that he wasn’t just the guy whose country washed out at the Olympics and then immediately tried to kill him after. He’d want the cup to prove to himself and everyone else that he was worth the effort that went into saving him.
The next year, Shane would be the one that would need the win more than ever. His team just had to be rebuilt around him because he was too gay for some of them to work with him. He is someone who has always changed himself to conform with hockey. This is the first time ever that hockey conformed to fit him, and there would be a lot of people criticizing the team’s performance while it was still being rebuilt and saying he was not worth the effort they put into it. He’d be desperate to prove that he could still do this even though he was gay and with Ilya. So I think he still gets his back-to-back Stanley Cup wins.
I don’t think Shane and Ilya face each other in the playoffs immediately after Sochi. I think Shane’s team washes out because the coaching staff and multiple players had to be suddenly replaced mid-season. And there would be an agonizing amount of commentary around that fact. The blame for the metros suddenly failing would be placed squarely at Shane’s feet. His leadership and his ability to play would be questioned endlessly.
That being said, every game they played post-Sochi—and especially any playoffs games—would be the source of endless speculation and commentary about whether they were truly competing against each other or if their performance was compromised because of their relationship. The pressure would be simply insane.