2019-6-21
I honestly don't even know when I started questioning my sexuality. My first exposure to a non-hetero relationship was through a rather unfortunate stumbling onto an erotic yoai about two enemies turned tango partners turned lovers in the deeper sections of a manga reading app. I'm ashamed to say that my first gut reaction was one of disgust, but I'm not sure that it was because I was homophobic or because the image of two naked, sweaty, hairy, adult men was slightly scarring to my poor 11 year old brain. That was the first time I'd even considered the possibility of love or sex beyond a man and a women, and I came away from it wanting to puke.
However, that didn't stop my overcurious, overactive brain from seeking out that manga again and staring at the foreign images.
It was also my first encounter with pornographic material so all in all, I'd say it was a pretty memorable and educational experience, even if it was a tad bit horrifying.
A few years later, when I was in sixth grade, I discovered buzzfeed, and subsequently had my second encounter with the queer community. I'm not entirely sure, but I think the first video I watched about the subject was called something along the lines of "Bisexuals answer questions you're too afraid to ask."
My little brain imploded.
You can like more than one gender?
Thus, little me went through the buzzfeed channels (they were sorted by color by this point) and watched every single video I could find on the queer community. This marked my transformation from a confused and slightly homophobic girl to a proud ally (a termed I had just recently learned that day).
Several months later, lost in the maze of deviant art reading reader slash haikyuu!!! fanfiction in incognito on the family computer while my parents weren't home, I came across the term "demisexual" in an akaashi x y/n fic. It wasn't a realization of self, but I was immediately fascinated in a way I hadn't been when I learned what being bi or pan meant.
It was a slow process, much slower than my initial research into the overall community, but that fanfic kicked off my deep dive into asexuality and all the terms in between.
In seventh grade, I was almost sure that's what I was: demisexual.
And yet, there was this weird uncertainty lingering in my head, and when I semi came out for the first time to one of my friends, backing her into a corner and whispering "I'm pretty sure I'm demi" with my eyes trained on the nasty pukey navy blue of our middle school's carpet, I was unable to say it without adding a "I think" or "I might be" before each sentence.
Even now, at 15, even after coming out to more friends, briefly joining the GSA in eighth grade, and marching in a pride parade, I'm still stuck in the same place. If anything, I've moved backwards. Demisexual no longer feels right, and neither does anything else. Somedays I wonder if I afraid to define myself with a label because I'm a afraid of being wrong, and I'm terrified that I'm just delusional, that I'm really straight, and I'll lose my place in a community that I've come to admire and love.
I'm getting better though. I think I'm coming to a place where I'm okay with being unsure. Even though it would be nice to know, I'm learning not to rush.
I don't know if I want anyone to see this, anonymous stranger on the internet or not, it feels too personal to share. I needed to get it out though, and I decided I'm going to tag this anyway. Not that I'm in anyway neglected in real life, but the idea of being seen and listened to is comforting.
- ā¤
