Everyday Horrors: Small Talk
Don’t you just hate small talk? It is nearly as bad as...well if I’m feeling especially histrionic...nothing is as bad as it, let’s be honest. It is so much easier to just keep your eyes on everything BUT another person and go to every great length to look as uninviting as humanly possible. What makes me cringe almost as hard as small talk itself does is listening to other people force themselves to engage in the damn thing:
White Girl #1: “Oh Hey!”
White Girl #2: “Hey!”
#1: “How are you? I haven’t seen you around in forever!”
So much fake enthusiasm and forced smiling that any reality show housewife would be impressed. You’ll notice how they avoid saying names; there’s always at least one person trapped in the small talk that doesn’t remember the other’s name. Scientific fact.
#2: “Yeah...just been so busy, actually getting a bit of a bug.”
Bit of a bug, really? Did you really just say “bit of a bug”?
#1: “Oh I’m sorry to hear that! That sucks. I’ve been pretty busy too-”
Who asked you? Are you pretty busy too because you have no idea what else to say? Yeah. Yeah, probably.
#1: “-so much homework lately.”
And its here we can see the encounter approach the awkward phase, but oftentimes both parties are too nice to say anything about it and they just let it get out of hand like an unmonitored rat infestation. It’ll gnaw away until the conversation can’t stand on its own.
#2: “Yeah...”
Silence. Pause. Awkward as hell. Small talk is never between people who know each other well, so topics tend to run out at an alarming rate.
#1: “Ugh...its been so cold lately, I can hardly feel my nose when I’m out there!”
#2: “I know right? And don’t get me started on that wind!”
Don’t worry. They won’t. At this point, the encounter becomes too much to bear and one, maybe even both, of them will make the move to abort, disengage, get the hell out of there...whatever you want to call it.
#2: “Anyway...”
Always starts with the ‘anyway’ and there’s no exception to that rule. If you come up with one, you’re probably wrong. Sometimes its introduced nice and slow, perhaps drawn out a little more than usual to indicate interest has flown out the window and down the road. Annnnnnyway, other times it is abrupt, shoved in there to interrupt whatever thought could’ve come out of the other’s mouth next and fake a sense of urgency, as if they have somewhere to be or just remembered they left every appliance in their house on.
#2: “I should get going! Got sooo much to do today.”
No you don’t. You know you don’t. I know you don’t. The other person knows it too, but do they care? No, because they have become just about as desperate as you have. Its a linear function: as time of interaction increases, so does desperation. Here’s a graph:
No need to thank me for the visual, I know its a hard concept to grasp.
#1: “Oh ok! Well, it was nice seeing you!”
It wasn’t anything special. I wish I was in my room eating goldfish and chatting with my cat instead.
#2: “Yeah you too! See ya!”
The final seconds of torturous smiling end and you’re ready to turn away and continue on with your life, maybe go take a nap to forget the mortifying and tiring encounter. And then, suddenly, from around the corner emerges another acquaintance. You brace yourself, hurriedly trying to get your phone out without looking too unnatural. You’ll do anything for an excuse or distraction.
But its too late.
They’ve spotted you.
Your only excuse is still in your pocket and you’ve run out of time. ‘What did I do to deserve this?’, you ask yourself. You didn't mean to steal your roommate’s peanut butter, you swear it. ‘Don’t punish me, universe,” you beg. But it doesn’t matter anymore...
You’ve made eye contact.
You watch in silent horror as the beginnings of a smile begin to form on their face and utter a small, defeated groan of protest as your cheeks tighten to smile in response.
“Hey! Long time no see!”
#StopSmallTalk2016
