Who Can You Trust? - Therren Feywind
Journal Entry 4 ā Hello sister,
Itās been a while. I should have talked to you sooner butā¦ I didnāt. I talked to Simon, though. Itās been so hard to make sense of these thoughts in my head, maybe if I take my time and go through them it will become clearer. Like Maximilian taught me to. Ā Ā Ā
So, some days ago now, we went on another adventure. This one had a little more direction than the last ones. Missing people from the town, dire consequences. Then again, there always seems to be dire consequences no matter how the adventure starts. Danger is an open flame and we are but moths, destined to dance around it until the day we finally get too close. Ā Ā Ā
Nymatra was there, as usual. Things are stillā¦ hard to read with her. At this point I donāt even know whose fault that is. Did I do something? Did she do something? I suppose weāve both been complicated. I wish social interactions could just make sense. Nature was never this complicated. Hemmel, a dwarven man, joined the group too. Reminded me a lot of our friend Thymus. Say what you will about dwarves, but they build those bastards tough. That alone is worth respect. Ā Ā Ā
Maximillian was also there. You know, he grows on you. Thereās just something, I donāt know, comforting? Something comforting about him. Even when he says something like how thereās ādefinitely no trapsā, and you know thereās no way he could really know that so heās probably full of shit, something in me just wants to believe him. Which, well, it can lead to problems. Sorry, Iām jumping ahead. Like I said, everything is a confusing mess. Iāll start over. Ā Ā Ā
So, we went out to some miserable swamps to track down some missing people, like I said. Found our way to some creepy looking outpost, tracks from the missing people leading inside. And some other tracks we couldnāt place. We were investigating the tower and, remember the thing I said about traps? I think we set off every trap possible along the way. If only Maxās faith that there were no traps was strong enough to make it so. Then again, we made it through all those traps without so much as a scratch. Maybe there is power in faith after all? Everything in my life is crazy, so why not? Ā Ā Ā
On the other side of some close encounters we ran into the things responsible for those tracks we couldnāt place, and had an even closer encounter. Strange lizard-folk. Like just about everything in these cursed lands, they were not interested in a non-violent solution. Ā Ā Ā
Close-quarters in a tower, not a great place to be relying on the range of a bow in a fight. I didnāt need your depth of experience to figure that one out. And these powers I have, they give me considerable strength in a close fight. But, I donāt know, I used my bow. I was scared, alright? Iā¦ I donāt like it. Whenever I, when I shift, itā¦ changes me. I donāt like who I am when that happens. Ā Ā Ā
It was a selfish and irrational decision, a stupid decision. I knew it was the wrong tactical choice, and I made it anyway. Andā¦ and I paid for it. One of the lizards was shooting back at me. I was doing my best to avoid it, dodged one arrow, but thereās just so little space to move in an environment like that. Bastard got me good. Left myself open and he got me right in the neck. I barely had time to react to it. Ā Ā Ā
All the strength left me, and before I knew it I was on the ground. I tried to move my arms and legs, pick myself back up and keep fighting, but they wouldnāt move. I couldnāt even feel them. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Nymatra, taking cover on the staircase. I tried to call out for help, but I was choking. Drowning. I could feel the warmth and that coppery taste that I have unfortunately become familiar with as of late. Blood. Probably a lot of it. More arrows bounced off the stone wall beside her and she retreated further down the stairs and out of site.
I was alone, things were getting blurry and dark and quiet, and then something unexpected happened. I saw rolling, forested hills, immaculate grass-swept plains, a stream fed by a small, calm waterfall. Everything had this strange haze to it, and perfect sunset-colours. It almost looked like the fey wilds, but not quite. There was a warmth unlike anything I had ever felt. Every part of my senses told me I was safe, and loved. Andā¦ and Simon was there, sister. I was lying there, on the softest grass I had ever felt by the bank of the river, and I saw his familiar boots approach from the waterās edge. It couldnāt be him, just another trick of the mind, like when the Lion attacked Nymatra. Simon was gone, I saw what happened to him. But it was him. The same silver robes with the blue crescent moon. The same kind cerulean eyes. He crouched down, held my face in his hands. There was a sadness in his eyes, but he smiled. He said āItās okay, let goā and he lifted me to my feet. A look over my shoulder and the sadness in his eyes deepened. āIāll be right here. Itās okay to let go.ā Ā Ā Ā
And then things got weirder, if thatās possible. I was standing there, by the river, forest all around. But I was also in the tower, Maximilianās hand glowing on my neck. My confusion was drowned out by a flood of familiar anger, and the beast took hold again. I smelled blood, anger and fear. It was intoxicating, like being starved and smelling the most delicious thing youāve ever tasted suddenly in arms reach. It creeps me out thinking about how much I enjoyed that smell. Seconds later, and the two lizard-folk were in pieces. One moment they were there, and then the next moment they werenāt. I had torn them apart. Ā Ā Ā
Just then Nymatra charged back up the stairs, hands crackling with eldritch energy and a fiercely determined look in her eye, shouting āIāll save you!ā Better late than never, right? Itās a lot braver than I was when I abandoned you and Simon. The group took a moment to heal and gather their strength, relieved to have a reprieve from the monsters that lurk in the tower. But are they really safe? Thereās another monster, in me, how can they be sure it wonāt turn on them? Ā Ā Ā
I was walking through the tower, but at the same time I was walking through that strange etherial place. I couldnāt shake it. even when we got back to town I couldnāt shake it. I knew I was at the tavern, but I was also there in the woods. I canāt make sense of it. Sorry, Iām skipping ahead again. Iāll go back. Ā Ā Ā
One last push, to the top of the tower. Up a ladder, and a terrifying massive serpent awaited, along with some kind of magical lizard sorcerer. Before I knew it, the snake was on Max. Tangled around him and damn-near devouring him. My eyes darting from the serpent to the sorcerer, I took in as much information as I could as fast as possible. My beast snarled, pulling at the chain as I glared at the sorcerer. I knew it had to be some kind of magic, that he was the key to stopping the serpent and saving Max. I think I knew that. Did I know that? I remember being angry, I remember thinking about the other lizard-folk I had torn apart. I remember the hunger. Was I trying to save Max? I hope I was. I hope I didnāt just choose to leave him to die. Ā Ā Ā
I let the anger erupt inside me. I was gone and the wolf was in my place. Without a second thought I charged right for the sorcerer. The serpent lashed out at me with a hit that might have knocked me out in my elven form, but I didnāt care. All I could think about was the lizard. With a leap I was on him, teeth tearing at his form, trying to find purchase on his scales. With the lizard knocked to the ground, the serpent vanished. Was that the plan, or did I get lucky? Ā Ā Ā
The lizard had tricks of his own, shifting into the massive form of a crocodile. Its massive jaw clamped down on me, and my world became pain and anger. The pain threatened to overwhelm me, but the anger won out. Mind focussing, I found a target. Maybe I couldnāt get through its scales, but I didnāt need to anymore. I bit down on the creatures tongue and pulled with all my strength. We battled with nightmares, and mine was stronger. I walked away from that tower, he didnāt. The others managed to rescue some of the missing people. Iām a little vague on the details, my mind was on other things. Ā Ā Ā
We got back to town, and still Iām in the etherial woods. But Iām somewhere else. I canāt seem to find Simon again. Iāve been keeping to myself in town. Didnāt have time to go off on adventures, I needed to find Simon again. I even organised to go back to the tower in the swamp. I thought maybe going back to where I saw him last time would let me see him again. Ā Ā Ā
Travelling alone seemed dangerous, so I asked Nymatra to come with me. I think I trust her the most. She thought itād be too dangerous to go without more protection and suggested bringing Max, but I kind of freaked out at the idea of sharing whatās going on with a group and cancelled it. But taking Max was a good idea, so I went to ask Max if he could go with me and- oh wow that sounds way worse than it is when I write it down like that, I- No, okay, it doesnāt just sound bad, that was pretty bad of me. Am I a shitty person? Damn it. Ā Ā Ā Anyway, yeah, I went to talk to Maximilian. About a lot of things. About what I saw, how I was feeling, my confusions. I really opened up to him. I havenāt really done that with anybody. I mean, Iāve told Nymatra a few things, but this was more than that. Itās just so easy to talk to him, and unlike any other time I relive my memories, I actually feel better with Maxās help. Heās very reassuring, and his advice somehow simple but something you never thought of. Ā Ā Ā
He agreed to go to the tower with me, which was relieving. I just feel like, whenever heās in my group, I know weāll get through it and make it back home. We talked about Simon. About how he was religious like Max. About my history with Simon, how we loved each other. I never really told anyone that before. But I guess I just feel safe talking to Maximilian. Ā Ā Ā
Maximilian talked about his religious stuff, about Pholtus, and thereās definitely part of me that really likes hearing about that stuff. He just seems so confident and assured about it. I think wish I had that kind of faith. Iāve never been that sure about anything. We reached the tower, but nothing for me. Just more unrecognisable forest. Retracing steps through the tower, and still nothing familiar. Back to that room in the tower, to the spot that I fell, the blood still staining the ground where I laid. Still nothing. No stream. No lazy waterfall. No Simon. No matter what I tried, I could not find my way back to him. I was half way to asking Max if he could beat me into another near death experience when I realised how ridiculous I was being. The whole trip had been a waste of time. I was not going to see Simon again. Ā Ā Ā
But Maximilian had another suggestion. I think it was some kind of religious technique? I donāt know, Iām not sure how any of that works. He guided me through some technique to get in touch with my memories. At first I thought it was another dead end, I was just seeing more of the same. Then I remembered Simon speaking, like last time butā¦ not like last time. It was the same memory, but there were details I noticed that I had missed the first time, words that I had somehow forgotten. What Simon had said was āItās okay to be angry. But you have to let me go. Iāll be right here when youāre ready. Itās okay to let goā I donāt know how I could have forgotten something like that, or missed it. Maybe the trauma and heightened emotion of the near-death experience had impaired me? Or maybe it was the distraction of being healed? Ā Ā Ā
Maximilian asked me what that meant, why I was angry, so I told him everything. That horrible night when I lost you, Sister. When I lost Simon, and the rest of the group. The nightmares that came after. The fear and hatred. The beast that lives inside me. But Max told me the beast was not evil, that if I let go and allowed the beast to take control he could prove it to me. It was a crazy idea, but I went along with it. Like I said, even when you know thereās no way he could know something for sure, he makes you want to believe him. I braced myself, took a deep breath, and let the beast out. Ā Ā Ā
Iām not sure what I thought would happen. Maybe I thought I would tear his throat out, or that I would bite his tongue off. Whatever I was expecting, it wasnāt what happened. Nothing happened. The beast tested Maximilian, decided it liked him, and gave me back control. Afterwards Max told me he could sense when there was the presence of evil, and he sensed no evil from me. Ā Ā Ā
So I guess Maximilian is right. I guess Simonās right. Iām not a monster. The beast is not a monster. Simon told me it was okay to let go. I donāt know if he meant let go of him, or let go of the fear of the beast inside. I guess either way itās good advice. Maybe itās time I start living again. Time to stop existing in that dark forest. Make some decisions for myself, learn more about Pholtus with Max. Iāll see my friends and family again someday, but for now Iām ready to move on. Ā Ā Ā
You will always be in my heart, but this is the last weāll speak for some time. Goodbye Thiala.
