Chantal

pretty sure i'm a vampire

[therealityis]

Currently Reading:

[nostalgic-retrosexual2]

Mariah Carey Heartbreaker (1999)

[ilovenycee]

[therealityis]

when i tell you, i love me some lauryn hill

[essence-rare]

Janet Jackson live at the MTV Video Awards, 1993

[academic-vampire]

𝔭𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔬𝔲𝔱 𝔶𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢

[therealityis]

Every girl & every boy deserves love. Not to be confused with monsters that only inhabit human flesh. We deserve to laugh & feel good with an individual that fits. We deserve passion & attraction, good food, good sex & plain old fun. We deserve to be happy & content during whatever time we have on this earth. We should not be divided & against each other as men & women.

We should all be…satisfied in every area of our lives but especially in the realm of love. This is a storybook tragedy. When I see how violent & unsafe our men have become. When I see how hard our women have become as a result, it’s disappointing. It leaves so many of us without that pleasure that nature intended. Is it worth it?

We have veered so far off course. How do we find our way back?

[midnightinshadow]

[therealityis]

Tonight I'm watching Three Women on Starz.

It's interesting to watch shows like this because it's more relatable than I'd care to admit. As someone who has always associated sex with shame, it feels foreign to see myself in these women. Uncomfortable.

Not Maggie. Although I did have a teacher who was found guilty of inappropriate behavior & that was surreal...I digress.

But Lina. Oh Lina. I grew up in a household where sex was taboo. We never talked about it & still don't, not really. But I feel Lina. What I would give to have a real, genuine, connected, passionate kiss with the man of my dreams. Not the world's dreams, mine. I can only imagine how many women, how many moms just want to feel sexy & identify as more than just mom. And I love being mom. I love it. And sometimes I just want to be a sensual woman who gets to experience pleasure with a beautiful, sexy, decent, patient man who is as crazy about me as I am about him without feeling guilty. It feels so out of reach.

Lina is real. A mom. A woman who just wants to feel wanted. A woman who wants to be with a man in the most natural way possible to experience pleasure. It's so true. You try to hold yourself closer to God, whatever that is, and do the right thing. You don't want to do anything that may be judged until you just say fuck it. And the way she described her high school crush. A guy that may not be on the cover under the hottest man alive, but he takes her breath away just the same. It's so awesome.

And Will. Omg Will is so attracted to Sloane he can't stand it. I wish I had a man who was into me like that. I do. A man that is so attracted to me that he couldn't stop thinking about me. He couldn't stay away. He couldn't be a selfish lover. He would take his time, and we could scorch the earth with how hot we were for each other. Ugh, wouldn't that be amazing? Hahaha. Anyhow, I may watch this show again because although it is entertaining. I'm getting more from it than that.

[heavensghost]

death wish

[therealityis]

MOVIES TO WATCH

Death Wish - Bruce Willis, Dean Norris, Kimberly Elise

I see nothing wrong with what Bruce Willis's character (Paul, a surgeon) does. It creates a conversation about right vs wrong. I don't think he's wrong at all. Here is a man who is living his life, minding his own business and his family is torn apart by emotional men. Paul then becomes an emotional man but understandably in this case & starts killing. But not just anyone, criminals. He starts taking out the criminals of Chicago who make the streets unsafe. Not via hearsay either. These are hardcore criminals who get off on destroying other people's lives. Also, this was after waiting for the police to do their jobs. What a joke.

He is undoubtedly doing the work that public service members were hired to do. He doesn't wait to hear that an innocent person has been maimed or killed. No, he confirms the threat & acts. The only people who would have an issue are the criminals & the cops who don't do shit. History has shown us that they have no problem killing innocent people to flex but they can't kill known criminals because it "wouldn't be right?" Bullshit.

Sway In the Morning is in the movie as well. Sway talks about Paul taking out a black man. We can't pick and choose who gets to be a criminal. Skin color is man made. The dude was a drug dealer. Period, point blank. His skin color is such an irrelevant factor. Besides the fact that he was actually protecting a black child who was being targeted by said drug dealer & was scared for his life. I digress.

The media then talks about "the grim reaper", which is what they end up calling him in the news, encouraging other citizens to take the law into their own hands. False narrative. The "law" has encouraged good, decent, hard-working people to take the law into their own hands. Those of us who need the protection are the only ones without it. I don't follow the narrative. I choose to use common sense and logic. No one told those emotional, non-sensical trash bags to break into Paul's home and kill his wife & child.

Great film.

[midnightinshadow]

[therealityis]

I find myself losing patience faster & faster these days. I know it’s bullshit. I need people to be patient with me sometimes. I’m not sure what to do with this scenery. I keep thinking that maybe I need to be around less people. Or is it that I need more? I’m exhausted with the mental gymnastics. They say be present, get out of your head.

If only it were that simple.

[midnightinshadow]

[therealityis]

You ever have a crush on someone so bad that all you can do is create different scenarios in your head about what you would do with them knowing it’s highly unlikely that it would ever be that awesome in real life?

For me it’s this doctor. Hot, tall, beautiful biceps, lips just begging to be kissed, cowboy boots under scrubs, kind, empathetic, sweet & did I mention fucking hot? Knowing he is so far out of my league changes absolutely nothing.

I accept it.

[academic-vampire]

𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔥𝔬𝔫𝔬𝔯𝔰

[therealityis]

Anytime I hear somebody say, “It’s the law,” I have to laugh. What’s the law? Law isn’t about order (as it should be), it’s about control. Notice how those who are above the law, are the one’s in control. They are out of order despite “the law”. They do not get punished for breaking “the law.”

So what are we talking about here?

[lone-nyctophile]

The ever so gentle, smothering hug of nostalgia

[therealityis]

I raise my child differently because the world has changed immensely. There are things that should never change, of course but we must adapt to survive. The values I instill in him are the same as what my parents taught me. But how we navigate the world has to be completely different.

It's scary.

Sometimes I get anxiety over how different things are. It's almost unlivable. It's all survival now. The humanity switch has been flipped...

[lone-nyctophile]

You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dying star

-Friedrich Nietzche

[midnightinshadow]

[midnightinshadow]

[therealityis]

I'm watching Outer Banks right now & Pope just said something that I find echoing within me on the realest level.

"I'm tired of being the good guy."

It's so true. We all know right from wrong. You try to live a good life and follow the rules. You try to be kind and loving towards other people because that's the right thing to do. You go to school, listen to your parents & mentors, you go to work in corporate America or become a teacher, read and try to raise your kids properly. What does it get us? You can walk the straight & narrow but then you recognize that you will always lose because those aren't the real rules to this game. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. I know that's why I keep losing too because I can't be a piece of shit. I've tried. It's not who I am. I know I will forever lose...

and it sucks.

[thequantumranger]

Aaliyah - “Got to Give it Up” (1996)

[academic-vampire]

𝔠𝔩𝔦𝔪𝔟𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔦𝔳𝔶

[therealityis]

It seems easy enough, right? If you don’t like something about yourself, change it. And it is,

easy-ish.

I made a list last year & started checking things off. But some things are hard. We don’t like hard. I’m also not a patient person. But that’s changing too. It wasn’t on my list but boy am I learning that some of my goals are going to take way more time than I hoped. It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do them though especially if it means being happier which is healthier. I was that girl that would jump ship as soon as something wasn’t going my way.

I’m learning.

[academic-vampire]

𝔯𝔦𝔠𝔥 𝔟𝔯𝔢𝔴

[therealityis]

There are so many of us who are wondering why our romantic relationships aren't working. We can say that the single life is sweet all we want but deep down we all desire real love in some form or fashion. Well, I have my theory & it's just that, my thoughts. I think of myself as a logical person. When I considered the plethora of reasons why we can't seem to produce a better success rate in love & life, this is what I came up with.

Consider: A single person can obtain anything they want. They just have to want it bad enough. Recognizing that they are capable & even responsible for this is what makes them a whole person. Therefore, there is no desire to gain externally or extract from other people in general much less their partner. You've turned I need into I want.

This is important because now companionship is based on giving, not taking. As a whole person, you now have something to give. You have shifted from I need love to survive to I want love to give someone what I now have. And side note, it shouldn't be because they need it but rather because they deserve it. They've done the work too. As a single person, you learned how to pour your time and energy into the other things you wanted. The only difference is that it wasn't another human being, but the idea is the same. And if someone is truly interested in getting to know you and love you right, if there is compatibility, they'll be & feel the same.

I say:

It's about the other person, not you. Being in love with someone is just that, being in love with someone outside of yourself. It's not about what can I get. It's about what can I give. The only thing you should get is satisfaction from the joy you have brought to someone who deserves it. As I mentioned above, someone who has already proven that they can obtain anything they truly want, recognizes that companionship is no different. If I want this person bad enough, I am willing to do what is necessary to earn them. As a whole person, it's not obsessive or dangerous because it's not about gaining anything anymore. If both people are doing that, there's no reason to be selfish which is literally the kryptonite of relationships, selfishness. It's simple really. It may not be easy but it's simple to me. If I am giving someone something wonderful, THE ONLY THING that they could not obtain without another human being, why would they leave or do something that causes me to leave? Imagine that going both ways.

Of course there are other variables such as trauma, emotional intelligence, maturity, intelligence in general, etc. but it falls under the umbrella of getting over one's self. Becoming a whole person that is able to think logically and act accordingly. I'm just a girl. One girl, who barely graduated college and can't bear to see herself in a mirror or a photograph. Who has never felt worthy or good enough. I don't have Dr. before my name and my experience in dating is well below minimal, but I can think critically -

and I'm logical.