Chantal

𝔬𝔠𝔱𝔬𝔟𝔢𝔯 𝔰𝔱𝔲𝔡𝔶 𝔡𝔞𝔱𝔢

𝔴𝔞𝔦𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔞𝔲𝔱𝔲𝔪𝔫 …

i can’t wait for it to be fall again…

anotherworld97

I’m 35 years old. I was so unhappy with literally everything because I was trying to do what I was conditioned to do. Now wiser, I’m living for me. I’m building my happiness brick by brick with an understanding that it only needs to make sense to me. It only has to please me. And at 35, I can have another 35 years if the universe allows it. I thought it was but it’s not too late.

dcminions

MYA

lone-nyctophile

You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dying star

-Friedrich Nietzche

Rent, food, water, utilities, clothing, healthcare. These are rights, not luxuries. Yet if we are unable to afford the rising premiums, we are forced to live without them.

Most of us are just trying to survive while also investing in some of the simple joys in life when we scrape enough together to make it happen. The irony is these are the things that are killing us, slowly, in America. No country should operate in the toxic manner that America has become so accustomed to. As citizens, we have given up. We have been conditioned to feel powerless & so we just accept the capitalist bullshit while ignoring the fact that our acceptance is what created this beast in the first place. Not only have we been forced into poverty, but our communities have also become incredibly divided. We don't know our neighbors. We don't trust them.

I don't know about you, but I'd never ask anyone for a cup of sugar. I might get shot or poisoned (further).

When did we get here? We have fallen so spectacularly that I am unsure of our ability to fix it. I go online & there is nothing but negativity. The way we speak to each other is appalling. Then we turn around & give the real enemy more power to keep us divided.

The almighty dollar.

Are we not tired yet? Are we not fed up with how incompetent we have been as consumers? I believe we were given an opportunity to enjoy life. How many of us are actually enjoying it to the fullest? How many of us get to wake up every day & do what truly fills our hearts with pure joy?

Not enough.

Most of us have been in survival mode because it's all we know to do. It's weak. We have bought into black vs white, rich vs poor, woman vs man. When will we stop complaining & treating each other like shit long enough to fix the real problem? Racism. Capitalism.

We have become so accustomed to our luxuries that we have convinced ourselves that we cannot live without them. It will be our demise. We have been feeding the machine for decades so that time is near. We feel it. We're speaking out but words without action mean nothing.

We need community.

We need love & acceptance.

We need compassion.

We need understanding.

We need intelligence.

We need kindness.

We need change.

nostalgic-retrosexual2

Mariah Carey Heartbreaker (1999)

ilovenycee

when i tell you, i love me some lauryn hill

essence-rare

Janet Jackson live at the MTV Video Awards, 1993

𝔭𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔬𝔲𝔱 𝔶𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢

Every girl & every boy deserves love. Not to be confused with monsters that only inhabit human flesh. We deserve to laugh & feel good with an individual that fits. We deserve passion & attraction, good food, good sex & plain old fun. We deserve to be happy & content during whatever time we have on this earth. We should not be divided & against each other as men & women.

We should all be…satisfied in every area of our lives but especially in the realm of love. This is a storybook tragedy. When I see how violent & unsafe our men have become. When I see how hard our women have become as a result, it’s disappointing. It leaves so many of us without that pleasure that nature intended. Is it worth it?

We have veered so far off course. How do we find our way back?

Tonight I'm watching Three Women on Starz.

It's interesting to watch shows like this because it's more relatable than I'd care to admit. As someone who has always associated sex with shame, it feels foreign to see myself in these women. Uncomfortable.

Not Maggie. Although I did have a teacher who was found guilty of inappropriate behavior & that was surreal...I digress.

But Lina. Oh Lina. I grew up in a household where sex was taboo. We never talked about it & still don't, not really. But I feel Lina. What I would give to have a real, genuine, connected, passionate kiss with the man of my dreams. Not the world's dreams, mine. I can only imagine how many women, how many moms just want to feel sexy & identify as more than just mom. And I love being mom. I love it. And sometimes I just want to be a sensual woman who gets to experience pleasure with a beautiful, sexy, decent, patient man who is as crazy about me as I am about him without feeling guilty. It feels so out of reach.

Lina is real. A mom. A woman who just wants to feel wanted. A woman who wants to be with a man in the most natural way possible to experience pleasure. It's so true. You try to hold yourself closer to God, whatever that is, and do the right thing. You don't want to do anything that may be judged until you just say fuck it. And the way she described her high school crush. A guy that may not be on the cover under the hottest man alive, but he takes her breath away just the same. It's so awesome.

And Will. Omg Will is so attracted to Sloane he can't stand it. I wish I had a man who was into me like that. I do. A man that is so attracted to me that he couldn't stop thinking about me. He couldn't stay away. He couldn't be a selfish lover. He would take his time, and we could scorch the earth with how hot we were for each other. Ugh, wouldn't that be amazing? Hahaha. Anyhow, I may watch this show again because although it is entertaining. I'm getting more from it than that.

heavensghost

death wish

MOVIES TO WATCH

Death Wish - Bruce Willis, Dean Norris, Kimberly Elise

I see nothing wrong with what Bruce Willis's character (Paul, a surgeon) does. It creates a conversation about right vs wrong. I don't think he's wrong at all. Here is a man who is living his life, minding his own business and his family is torn apart by emotional men. Paul then becomes an emotional man but understandably in this case & starts killing. But not just anyone, criminals. He starts taking out the criminals of Chicago who make the streets unsafe. Not via hearsay either. These are hardcore criminals who get off on destroying other people's lives. Also, this was after waiting for the police to do their jobs. What a joke.

He is undoubtedly doing the work that public service members were hired to do. He doesn't wait to hear that an innocent person has been maimed or killed. No, he confirms the threat & acts. The only people who would have an issue are the criminals & the cops who don't do shit. History has shown us that they have no problem killing innocent people to flex but they can't kill known criminals because it "wouldn't be right?" Bullshit.

Sway In the Morning is in the movie as well. Sway talks about Paul taking out a black man. We can't pick and choose who gets to be a criminal. Skin color is man made. The dude was a drug dealer. Period, point blank. His skin color is such an irrelevant factor. Besides the fact that he was actually protecting a black child who was being targeted by said drug dealer & was scared for his life. I digress.

The media then talks about "the grim reaper", which is what they end up calling him in the news, encouraging other citizens to take the law into their own hands. False narrative. The "law" has encouraged good, decent, hard-working people to take the law into their own hands. Those of us who need the protection are the only ones without it. I don't follow the narrative. I choose to use common sense and logic. No one told those emotional, non-sensical trash bags to break into Paul's home and kill his wife & child.

Great film.

I find myself losing patience faster & faster these days. I know it’s bullshit. I need people to be patient with me sometimes. I’m not sure what to do with this scenery. I keep thinking that maybe I need to be around less people. Or is it that I need more? I’m exhausted with the mental gymnastics. They say be present, get out of your head.

If only it were that simple.

You ever have a crush on someone so bad that all you can do is create different scenarios in your head about what you would do with them knowing it’s highly unlikely that it would ever be that awesome in real life?

For me it’s this doctor. Hot, tall, beautiful biceps, lips just begging to be kissed, cowboy boots under scrubs, kind, empathetic, sweet & did I mention fucking hot? Knowing he is so far out of my league changes absolutely nothing.

I accept it.

𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔥𝔬𝔫𝔬𝔯𝔰