twelve days late
first. the d r u g s
the drugs you swore you’d never do, you did, and you loved
just once
*coke
off a rollingstones record, in the bathroom of J62, with two distant close friends, through a one dollar bill, dressed in “80s’ garb, glitter in your eye, to rollerskate
*mdma
to fall in l o v e, on rolling hills with him, alonetogether, for the first time, pure and bright, an endless rollercoaster
*acid
one tab to a trip of a lifetime
vivid, dreamy, tear-y-eye-d, laughing till you cry cry until you laugh, skeltons, PB & J, chasing the moment to find the moment, swirling through carnival rides
& wiffleball
&gav
*shrooms
in a cabin in the woods, with close friends, somewhere in a forest, between a river and a cornfield, on peanutbutter toast with love, and mud, and moss, and christina aguilera
*and -- something like adderall? I’m forgetting the name
just the life enhancing drug you needed to finish your marketing final, dye your hair, and pack up your beloved room
You are more connected, you are more loved, you are more true,
and close, down deep close close to the core, at the bottom with all the sand, you are drowning but you are grounded, the water is murky but you are breathing
there is almost no point in bringing up the cozy love you’ve found yourself in.
It is like a cave and he is like a flame, and he is all you want
your bones seethe and you kick at the walls
and sob
but again, you are drowning in such warm water, and you’ve learned to see
for all of the places you’ve loved him from-
new paltz, vermont, 42, 57, J42, even from the summer camp,
you’ve always known there was a place in him for you & you’ve seized it
the world is getting smaller and smaller the more people you meet the closer it gets
but you got a candle, a tool of worship, ever-lit, man made etched into your skin to remind you of the inside
there was more music, and more hiking
and bernie sanders!
and most of all there was the quaint desire for good
the tide still moves you the way it always has
and this year you have not started a new, but a whole.
rip 2016 -- loved
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