There's this new happy thing happening and it's the strangest thing.
YOU ARE THE REASON
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@theriverrunswild
There's this new happy thing happening and it's the strangest thing.
I just need to touch a butt, pronto!
When a flower doesnāt bloom you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.
(via ociz)
Miriam Conesa
The person standing beside you, pointing at this billboard, has brought you here because it was too hard to say āI am sorryā out loud.
Bruce Davidson
Anne Schwalbe
The desperation for validation on social media is thick. Itās awkward. All these selfies and all the sexuality. Why donāt the masses realise thereās a very obvious difference between sexy and sexual? Is it hilarious or sad? Or am I maybe taking it all too seriously?
Iām in my bed listening to the Lore soundtrack and Iām convinced that me and him are on a different level. As in, the two of us are out on the edge, on our own separate ledge looking out at a completely different world. I donāt know anyone, still, who sees what I see. I still feel so disconnected and yet so seamlessly at one with the rest. Itās like Iām drifting along with the pack, but I really donāt understand what everyoneās doing and why itās right or good or worthwhile. I rarely feel known or seen, not actually, not in a noticeable way. I feel so fucking out of the loop. And yet Iām cruising along, making it look easy. But I just donāt know if Iāll find what Iām looking for. Iām trying to find it again. What I had with him but itās just not happening. Nothing is good enough. No one is unique enough. I just donāt care. And it breaks my damn heart that Iām incapable of caring anymore. That everyone seems so mediocre. I canāt be with mediocre. Not now or ever. I need someone to fucking shake me. Look me in the fucking eye and tell me something I havenāt heard before. Register an experience with me and show me how youāre affected. Let me see how you respond to the weather and the noise and the environment that youāre in. Please, just please, donāt be a cliche. Donāt disappoint me. Scare the hell out of me and get in the boat and fucking paddle with me right into the rapids so we can test our survival skills.
Engage me please. I swear Iāll engage you. I know itās just us against them. I can feel it. I know you feel it too. I know youāre learning. Iām giving you time to catch up. I want you to catch up. Because thereās nothing else worth pursuing. I want to pursue the most peculiar and painfully beautiful boy Iāve ever laid eyes on and I want to make a life with him. And Iāll be a good man and respect my family and be a reasonable friend but my purpose will be getting to the end alongside my equal.
This has become an issue. Itās a real problem right now and I canāt fix it and Iām desperate to connect but Iām struggling with whatās out there. And I canāt settle.
Canāt settle. Wonāt settle. Thereās absolutely no way out now. You came along and became very important and until I reach another lifetime with a clean slate, Iām afraid Iāll be let down for as long as Iām alive. I thank god that Iām good at being by myself. I thank god that Iāve got things to do. But man oh man oh man itās like Iām standing in a dark room and thereās a party outside and someone out there doesnāt feel right, and Iām waiting for him to notice that thereās another room, and Iām in it. And itās better in here. Iām in here, waiting. And I know heāll like it too.
There's things to do. There's places to see. And lessons to learn and milestones to tick off and I'm hoping it all packs a punch and carries me forward with as much meaning as possible with or without him. If you're not the point, it's all pointless. And I'm so aware that I've got issues to work through. I've been aware for a very long time. Still though. I know what I want. I know what I don't want. And there's a middle ground that's safe and stupid and frankly no place I belong.
Better because how could I wake up ungrateful these days. I am so lucky. I'm working with beautiful talented souls, making art that will be appreciated by those on a similar wavelength. There's nothing at all to complain about. I'm exactly who I want to be, doing what I love, noticing grace and friendliness everywhere I look. Chin up Bren. You're good. You're better.
I'm coping but not really. You know. Like yeah, sure thing, I'm fine, I'm laughing, I'm small talking with the fella who's making my coffee, I'm smiling and nodding all day long, I'm living a good life but I don't feel so good. I need it all to go away. I desperately need to start again now. I want to fall in love again. I'm wondering when and how?
Ouch!
untitled by 1995you on Flickr.
untitled by 1995you on Flickr.