The Road From Us to Me

After about 15 years together, including 2+ married, and 4+ as parents, my husband [and I] have decided to separate somewhere in the next six months. As I take this day by day, I'll blog, and we'll see where the road leads.

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 79

Well here we go again. Several weeks have passed, a month perhaps, and here I write. I’m hoping journaling helps bc crying and thinking until my brain hurts is only getting me so far. That’s if I can stop crying long enough to articulate what it is I am feeling.

As usual, my mood is tied to a man. To someone else with whom I compare myself. To someone else who has it all figured out. It’s all so fucking familiar and redundant and I feel stuck; like I’m never going to be able to shake this. And I’m going to break his heart. Oh God, I’m going to hurt him and it’s going to be all my fault. Bc I’m not strong enough to be ok. And he’s going to get tired of it. He’s going to leave. Or I’m not going to be strong enough to bear this and I’m going to have to leave. 

He has everything so figured out. I have nothing figured out. I’m, so, so behind. And I feel like I’m never going to make up the distance. And it’s probably bc I’m not trying hard enough. I just bloody need to stop whining and fucking DO it. How do you cultivate grit? 

I sorted through my theatre books today. And I reboxed a whole heap of books for a classroom I am never going to have, so why do I keep them? Do I even want that classroom anymore? I have no idea. I have no idea what I ought to be, what I want to be.... And I keep asking myself to find the answers and my brain just hurts.

If all I do is get it wrong, then what is the right way? And if everyone else is picking up on the right frequency, why can’t I seem to hear it? Or what is keeping me from following its dictates? Is it that I can’t find the guidelines or that I won’t follow them?

That woman that P met months ago. She wasn’t perfect, but she was stronger than the one he knows now. Happier, more confident than the woman here at this moment, sobbing into her keyboard. But surely she must be in me somewhere too? I cannot be all this useless weeping mass who is scared and weak and how can I have lost so much progress? Is it because I am trying to be what he wants? Am I doing that again? Am I? And again my brain doesn’t want to answer. Similarly, I have stumbled over some of my old work lately; clearly I am still capable of such things; what is the hangup?

Heartbreaking too, this fear that he is going to get tired and leave means that I don’t trust him afterall. I want to be back where I felt safe. Remember how safe I felt with him? And now I feel like I’m a burden, no matter how often he tells me I’m not. He’s so strong and independent, resourceful and bright. I don’t want to just be a parasite to that. Being weak, crying and wallowing (like today I called in sick rather than go into the office where I feel worthless), are all good excuses to avoid doing the hard work I *myself* need to do. He cannot, and should not carry me, even if he is strong enough for both of us. 

I feel like I need to achieve something. To be able to be proud of myself. I need that energy. I said, completely unconsciously the other day “I haven’t gotten that thing done because I suck.” And he said, “you should say nice things about yourself sometime.” And I couldn’t come up with anything. I genuinely, completely blanked. But ask me to detail my deficits and I can catalog them in spades. I can tell you the dozens, maybe even hundreds, of irresponsible, lazy, immature things I have done in the past several days. 

Will I ever stop feeling like everyone who spends time with me does so out of a sense of charity? That they are all secretly pitying me and whispering behind their hands what a weirdo, a petulant child I am? The inner dialogue says “why aren’t you doing X? Becoming Y?” and then “Stop whining and just DO it!” Why don’t I do it? I don’t get to the office on time, and I feel irresponsible. So then I know how to fix it, get to the office on time. Which I can do. Which I have done. So why don’t I just DO it? 

Do I just want results without earning them? Do I just want someone else to fight all my battles and pay all my bills for the rest of my life? I don’t think so. Do I struggle with things that require effort? Do I have low endurance and give up too easy?

I want to believe that I am more than I or my insecurities feel I am. That I am as capable as I seem to others at times; that they see me better than I see myself in many ways. I maybe know who I am. But I want to be better because everyone else will esteem and value me more if I am? Because they won’t in my current state? I that it? ???

Anywho, back to the brain hurting part again. And should get some lunch.

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 78

Yikes it has been over a month since I have updated here. In fact, a month and a half. Gotta get on that--esp. as reflection and processing would very likely benefit me on a regular basis. Stopping (at work again) to document the disquiet I currently feel bc I want to capture it in the moment.

Lots of things have happened; P has happened. He has been a focus of my waking hours; I have been the inhabitant of his embrace and the recipient of his letters when he has been overseas. He has met my son, and is completely charming him. He is beginning the process of sincere, long-term investment in the both of us. This of course stirs my heart in the best of ways, but also I think frightens me on some level. Things have shifted into high gear, and with that my attitude and anxiety have shifted as well.

In the space of time since last I wrote, P and I went on our first excursion together; to D.C. overnight to determine if we could travel together. I experienced the first of his migraines; and had one of my earliest attacks of the inadequacy cycle. I cried in his arms and explained all my fears and he held me and combated them as best he knew how. That time it was: This is a swanky hotel and this is the way he lives all the time. I have never stayed in hotel this nice and this is normal to him. He lives such a sophisticated life; he is a wealthy worldly genius. What does he want with me?

Then, he went to Turkey for a week for work, and wrote while he was gone of course. When he came back I met his parents for the first time; and the second attack of inadequacy hit. My mother was also present; in all of her family drama glory (I said recently that I felt my family was rather like the Bennetts, to which he chuckled and said that was not entirely inaccurate). After this encounter, which admittedly was not exactly a cozy one-on-one chat, his mother was noncommittal when asked about me. This time it was: His mother doesn’t like me. Maybe it’s because I come with so much bloody baggage. Like the fact that I’m still legally married or the fact that I’m going to be a divorcee or my mother’s drama which makes us a family of kooks (are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?!). Again, dear P rallied, dried my tears, and told me that he would choose me over his family if it came to it. And that his mom might just be nervous.

September rolled in and he asked to meet my son. We had the most charming afternoon/evening in which he was everything a woman hopes a man will be to her son and more. He devoted himself to son’s amusement, backed up my disciplinary judgements, and I got to experience the sublime pleasure of having a second adult invested in the care and welfare of my child. There was also the pleasure of being allies in the cause. As I say, son is as besotted as I am. Since, he has made a great many shows of sincere interest and vested concern for son’s well-being. And spoiled him some too, of course.

The next weekend was the sublime weekend when we got to go to NYC. On the train up I got to see him in work mode; which was mildly intimidating, I admit. Not that I didn’t know how brilliant and capable he is. I worked on applications at the same time, and he got to witness that involved process and the level of emotional investment and lack of confidence that entails. To him, surely I make mountains out of molehills; though he never said that, bless him. He was supportive but distracted by work of course. Upon arrival in NYC I felt less of a dolt/child/whathaveyou, and was better accustomed this time to the swankiness of the hotel. We met his cousins, one of whom is one of the few other people who he can be open with and can spend excesses of time with without feeling drained. They are both intelligent and capable and totally kickass; esp cousin A, who is astoundingly intelligent and gives absolutely no fucks. She’s also gorgeous. And P clearly feels a great affinity for her; rather I imagine as I am with certain friends of mine--we just buzz together. And I’m not gonna lie; there were flickers of jealousy--nothing severe, just a smidge of...”wouldn’t he prefer to keep that sort of company.” They can also talk math and computer stuff together, so that... Overall, I am not cosmopolitan and my intelligence is...? Also, I feel like I spend a lot of time talking about James Madison and slavery; gotta get some new material. Anywho, we also did other museums, saw Hamilton (which was indescribably good, and super romantic to share with him) ate fantastic food, met other friends, and generally just had a wonderful time. I think I made a good impression on all friends and family in question, generally pleasant if somewhat dim next to the cousins. I think it was a turning point in the relationship for him; and he definitely felt what he calls “romantic flutterings,” which are a big deal for him.

He left from NYC to go to Turkey for another week of work, and his first night back was all one could wish in the way of romantic reunion. In this wash of emotion, we crossed the love threshold, I told him I loved him, he said “I think I love you too,” because the way he processes is different. This is a BIG ASS deal of course, and part of me is panicking bc certainly this cannot be true, and if it is, how can I know I won’t screw it up? Etc. etc. And indeed may already be sabotaging things. This I want to explore. Then he came to dinner with the whole family! And was a champ about it, but of course this shook my confidence. So this major declaration has come out, and then three days later he’s off to Texas for a few days of work. While he was gone I felt out of sorts, and professionally had a week...well, that doesn’t exactly make you proud of yourself. While I was idling and not being a full adult (mind you, had a sick day with son), he was at day-long conferences for this job that he does well, which interests and challenges him, and in which he is greatly valued and demanded. I do envy that, but also was suddenly struck with a sick sense of worthlessness (you can hear it in the way I phrased that last even). What am I even doing? And look he is capable and adult and excelling and making shittons of money. He has everything under control, all his shit sorted out, the world at his command. And I...?

So that happened; fortunately he only had to experience this insecure moping through text, but I know it is a super unpleasant thing to behold; and it is that old cycle of wanting him to tell me it’s all going to be ok, that I am worthy. Which is not fair to him, nor healthy for me, and I really need to conquer it. Anywho, flash forward to last night, when I had dinner with his family; parents included, and cousin A. Also a family friend from childhood who is six years younger than I am, studying to be a copyeditor, was def. in with mom, and baked a perfect batch of snickerdoodles. (You see how I am wallowing in this? It really just gets to choking me. And I thought I’d made progress. But it is this familiar sick burning sensation in my chest.) The whole family; they’re so effing brilliant and accomplished--what the hell is he doing messing with me? He and cousin A did their genius banter, and I felt the same as I feel now--lump in the throat, tears in my eyes, sense of utter self-loathing; worthlessness. I see them together and I think, surely that’s what he wants in a partner? Someone who is as genius as he himself. How long until he sees me and sees a burdensome dolt? And the expiration date starts flashing again. And I’m trying to be stoic and tell myself that if this isn’t meant to be, it isn’t meant to be. But it yes, will still hurt. And that sick voice says ‘maybe you should back away now,’ and ‘if you end things how will that affect your son?’ I’m frightened I’ve made the wrong decision. What if I can never cope with the gulf between us in capability, intelligence, etc. Have I swapped one inequality for another? Is this strum und drang God trying to tell me this is unhealthy and I need to get out? But this man is so good, the best man I have ever known, surely I must pursue this. Surely this is worth working at. And God knows I don’t want to hurt him because I’ve made poor decisions; I’ve rushed in before I was healthy enough to cope.

And is this all because I put a name on it? Because I admitted that I love him? I’ve raised the stakes and now I’m terrified on some irrational level? He held me and let me cry, talked through things with me, tried to get me to explain what I was afraid of; told me he didn’t need his partner to be as smart as he was, that that’s not what he wants of me. He says “this wouldn’t work if you were dumb, I admit.” He says “I want to be with you because you are kind and take care of me and help me figure out things and we can have fun together.” He seems to think that the way I treat him, care for him, accept and work with him is singular, but certainly it is not. I don’t understand how there are not dozens of women lining up to love him because he is wonderful. So, so wonderful. And God help me, I do love him. I do want him to be happy. But I begin to worry that I am a burden to him. That I’m becoming someone who does drain him. At lows like this I am nothing but my weaknesses; and I sense how unhealthy this is. I don’t want to be plying these underhand tactics; I want to be strong enough to face this head on myself and end this feeling. But it is undeniably true that I am scared; that a voice in me keeps telling me that any second now my behavior is going to scare him off; that he’s going to get annoyed with me and that will be that. I cannot change who I am; I am working on this, truly. He says “you don’t bother me. You don’t have to change.” But some part of my mania can’t believe him. Some part of my mania thinks “yes, you do need to change. Noone wants someone like this. He loves the best strongest version of you. Not the one who whines and mewls about how much she sucks.”

Philosophically I know I need to be strong and kick this thing myself. And it is very familiar; this other woman who seems infinitely better equipped than I, spends time with a man I adore, I spiral into this self-hate fest and then make myself the kind of gargoyle that of course drives him away; makes him want to spend more time with the other woman. This is not because of any actions on his part. So disheartening to see how little progress I have made. And what is the answer? This is bigger than just this thing, clearly. Also a stumbling block to us, which is something I want to get past because I want this to be the good that it can be. But again; this all came after we crossed that major threshold. WHAT is at the root of this and how can I fix it? Nothing else changed. It’s not like he wasn’t brilliant before, not like our jobs or duties changed in any way--”I’m as fair as a I was erwhile.” Yet I act as though a timer has been started; a fuse that is going to end with him walking away. Not that these flutters of inadequacy have not come up before; see earlier in this post.

I don’t like this Sam I am. And I want to be done with it. I will not ruin this. However, I cannot be blind to warning signs. <--Stated for the record. Going to see DD this week to sort through some of this stuff; hopefully some answers. Hmmm...

Is this just the job search? Will I feel better when I get an “adult” job that is fulfilling/challenging to me? (Note: maybe I ought to teach afterall, if I’m going to be miserable and stressed anyway...) Is this because I’ve pushed too far too fast? Am I being honest with myself/him? Has this become unequal and how can I level the playing field? Questions. Questions. Questions.

Unrelated but notable: Was clumsy and told J about P inadvertently. At least now that’s done with but I do feel like a heel. And I hate what he is going through right now. Hope I’ve made the right decision in the end. But really I don’t think that was fully healthy for me. Of course it appears that I am good at making situations unhealthy... Hm....

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 77

Quick departure from boy things to state that today my little boy, who is now a rather big boy, is heading off for his first day of Kindergarten!

I can't believe we are here already. I feel in some ways like I will blink and he's going to be graduating from high school. And also that all this past 6+ months has distracted me from him, that I've missed a little of how he got here due to my own healing focus. (And then of course I muddied it by dating too.) In the place of that sweet-faced sausage fingered boy, there is this capable, articulate, imaginative and crazy affectionate young man who I sincerely hope the school system doesn't chew up and spit out. And I, as a parent, feel the pressure of this new hurdle in terms of support and logistics.

For now, time to go wake up my Kimdergartener...

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 76.2

Remember that post where I gushed about J’s little idiosyncrasies and how they charmed me utterly? I can do the same for P; he has this thoughtful look, this warm smile; always a twinkle in his eyes... Also this tone of voice, little phrases, like when he is coaching me in combat... But overall, I find it harder to articulate my feelings towards him, which I think is a good sign. “I know not seems,” I just feel; regardless of the outward signs. 

Another interesting development: I have talked to J since, and I find my heart does indeed soften for him. Oh dear! I have been unable to see him though, and this I look on as a steering from God. If it is not meant to be, it shall not be. But J does clearly hold a tender place in my heart and I do care for him. 

Messy messy messy.

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 76

Ok, at the office ostensibly to work, and God knows I need the money, but I feel like I need to take a little bit of time to sift through a whole heap of shit that has happened. And, as I cannot afford or schedule therapy right now, I need to get this out and mull it over somehow.

Ok soooo since I last wrote...

J came to visit. (This was just over a month ago.) We took a day and bashed around my part of town; played games, it felt more like we were investing in what I wanted to do. He was also sensitive, considerate, and we didn’t really have much time where his health or other factors tanked the conversation or invoked dead air. Very promising. I did show him my bedroom, in all its glory, and I fear I pushed intimacy there too far. Exceedingly foolish on my part. He was sweet and went along, and enjoyed himself I’m sure, but in hind sight--that was a NO. He says he’s following my lead wrt sex, but I wonder if he really wants to go that far. I get the sense that sexual enjoyment is something he wants to provide as a gift/service, and he thinks well enough of me to want to do so. He was also affectionate and moderately cuddly, more so than he has been before. He met my mom, and gets points for being sweet and charming to her. (He knows where stepdad is btw, but I was not brave enough to tell him why.) He also offered that we invite her to dinner so she not feel left out--points there. But ALSO, the discussion about it was nice and co-conspiratory and felt good--we were partners in crime making this decision. That was nice, and not the only time such had happened that day. And, when I got too intimate in the bedroom and cried, he held me and listened. An infinitely good man. But I’m still not sure he considers me precious enough to build something long term--he cares for me I know, he’s attracted to me of course, but am I precious to him?  Unknown. I know this: we did not end up taking mom to dinner, and while there had as open a conversation as we ever have. I tried to explain to him that when he stops actively pursuing it confuses and unsettles me; that the radio silence is really bad for my anxiety. He showed me a glimpse of his broken heart, talked about his breakup with his previous lady, and took my hands and said, in the most tender heartfelt of voices “I want to do right by you.” Perhaps the closest thing to a legit declaration I have ever gotten from him, bc he is so careful and reserved. It was amazingly touching, and I thought, good, this is a directive, something to go on. He really REALLY has the best of hearts. But THEN...he didn’t pursue that. His job is eating him alive right now I know. But there has been weeks of almost entirely radio silence--to his credit he has made some small convo which I know is him making an effort, and a mark of affection. He has finally resolved to get out of this abusive job, which is great. And perhaps on the other side of that he could be able to be available to me in the way I need, even on a slow burn. The trouble is that in that radio silence and disconnect...

P stepped in. P, who I thought just wanted to be friends. P, who I have said in the past feels far safer than J, for whom I haven’t (until nowish) had to tell myself to lower the stakes with. P, who I have raced forward with at a rate that is incredibly foolish in the course of about a month. So he’s got some neuroatypicalities and trauma, I think, from past negative experiences. He uses words like “frigid” and “robotic,” and has hangups about physical stuff. So he was giving me mixed signals bc he wasn’t sure if he had the courage to pursue anything romantic with me. But, when pressed, he was most complimentary and we messaged until 4AM. We set up a proper date, in which he taught me self defense, and I taught him swing dance. He is a natural and brilliant and supportive teacher. I’m not exactly kicking butt any time soon, but he makes me feel like I could, make me feel as though I could be capable of more than I realized; hence the list of ambitions. That partnership--that being able to glance across the dance frame or over the punching mat he is holding for me and look into his eyes and know that he is just *there* for me...that is...so good for me. SO good. He is a consummate partner, and I fear I am coming to rely on him too much. He understands and upholds my need to feel equal; engages in trades (music for music, combat for swing, massages for... other things). He makes a ridiculous amount of money, so when he spends on me it is one time when it simply cannot be equal. I begin to worry about other things too. He went away with his dad to a conference in Finland for a week and wrote me the loveliest letters every day while away. He was back for three days (which evenings we spent together and I even was able to sleepover the last and he made me breakfast...) and then is now in NY for a week with his family. He can’t write as much there bc it is family time, and I fully get that. My life continues and feels humdrum here--esp bc I’m not really working at Job #1 bc I’d hoped to be working in promotion at Job #2 by now. But more on that below... He’s being so active and outdoorsy, telling me how amazing his cousins are...and he’s not *here* I guess, to reassure me in person... For whatever reason, I’m drowning in feelings of inadequacy, and I fear, for the first time, that an expiration date has been created here. We agreed initially ‘one day at a time,’ but both had trouble keeping to that. We have trips already planned two months out (he’s taking me to NYC to see Hamilton!!!!), and talk long term all the time. Let’s remember folks, we have been romantic only A MONTH. Another good occasion for this gif:

But he seems to feel the same depth of emotion (impetuous though it is) that I do, that feeling of safety and ultimate support. Could this be a chance (down’ the road) for an unconditional love relationship with a romantic partner? Could such a thing exist for me? I worry bc he is so inherently capable; a genius and regimented; he owns a house, cooks, works out regularly, keeps himself to a diet, is a great planner, not to mention the combat; he’s a natural at swing and most anything else he puts his mind to. He’s also crazy smart, eloquent and witty; well-versed, well-read, and his baggage is not as incommodious as mine. I hate the idea of lying to him (a good sign!) and so I told him (where I was not brave enough to tell J) about stepdad and that situation. I feel for the first time (in an Austenian sense) how tainted I am by association. Most people (say, his excellent family) cannot stomach that sort of a thing in any sense, nor wish to connect themselves. He says he is not bothered, but it makes me angry and sick to think about it. Blegh. Just another of those bits of baggage I bring which make me so difficult to be with--the child and the legal marital status being others, among many... So far I have felt decently comfortable being myself and not feeling like I have to change for him (that bbaaaaaaad instinct). But lately I have felt as though I need to start working out or I cannot keep to his standard. It is not that I don’t want to be active, and I know the benefits, but working out as rigorously as he does is not something that feels like it comes from me; rather something I feel I must do for him. And the instant I start feeling like I have to behave a certain way or he will walk is the instant the warning bells start. I have the feeling and I want to stop it; I’m pretty sure it lies in me, and I want to understand it so I can stop it. I will never be as infinitely good, capable, vigorous or whole as he is. And if he wants to attempt to love me in spite of this...I just need to square with that. I want to have the strength to feel good in myself without his support. I want to feel worthy and equal. What can I bring to him that he doesn’t already have? And is it enough? When I tally our assets I always feel as though mine are wanting. He tells me I make him happy, happier than anything. But will that fade? Is it enough? Bc by my calculations it simply doesn’t add up.

“...the day that I find, suddenly I’ve run out of secrets, suddenly I’m not always on his mind...”

So, guiding questions:

1- Am I being foolish rushing into this? Am I trying to convince my heart to go where it simply cannot yet and is not ready to go?

2- What is the source of this feeling of inadequacy and how can I halt it? 

3- Is there an expiration date? How would I feel about that?

In the midst of all this T is proving tricky to shake. My fault as much as anything. I find myself crazy susceptible to his physical prowess (he’s well-versed in the art of physical intimacy) and he blindly praises me with a worshipful devotion. It’s addictive I admit. P will be more of a slow burn in terms of physical intimacy; but if we get all the way there (which slow burn is really a good healthy thing for me), I suspect it could be the sort of thing that makes me cry, in the best of ways. The contemplation already makes me more sentimental than I can say. And that’s the thing; when P gets back in town and I can look into his eyes again--when he’s there on the other end of the dance frame...holding my hand and holding me up, I will feel safe again. Loved, secure, and in no doubt. I have yet to feel inadequate when he is there like that. Because he doesn’t look at me and see flaws. And he is so pragmatic and unruffled. A good attitude for me. He is a “problem solver” as he likes to say, and nearly everything has a simple, logical solution. That’s a lovely grounding thing for me. It give me steel and makes me think things like “You don’t have demonstrable skills? Then acquire some.” And he makes it seem simple, achievable. He believes in me. And he tells me so. And he is committed to getting this thing we’ve got right. All good good things. So I have faith that things will return to normal when he’s home. 

Another point of insecurity for me atm is that I await news of this job which I had hoped to hear of before now. The week that they gave me is almost up, and I cannot help but feel that if they wanted to offer it to me they would have by now. Also, feeling anxious about all I have to learn.

And on THAT note, I do feel somewhat better and need to get some actual paid work in. Hopefully I will muse more before too much longer.

Non sequitur: In the soundtrack of P (he is sharing metal with me) there is so far: “Heaven Help My Heart,” “You’re Awful” and “Two Sleepy People”--because we cannot seem to get enough sleep in each other’s company--texting or cuddling. Which is, in his simple heartfelt language: “nice.”

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 75

WELL, I still need to catch THE FUCK up, bc lots of things have happened, and just so much I should unpack (hopefully soon). However, I am going to lay down here this list. I am going to resolve to hold myself accountable, and to Be Ambitious, as I have never been before. As P says, lack of ambitions and faith in myself “sounds like the old you,” but the new me is going to kick butt. I constantly feel inadequate because I feel I have a lack of demonstrable skills, so either I get over that (which is on the list you’ll note) OR I develop some demonstrable skills. So here is my list of ambitions, in no particular order, for  my personal healing and improvement. 

Ambitions

·        Health: teeth, stay active

·        Dance: advanced swing, plus square dance, mambo/salsa, stay active

·        Krav: competence and fitness

·        Exercise: toning, arm strength, leg strength for Krav

·        Learn Piano (Other instrument?)

·        Vocal training

·        Learn German, ASL, other?

·        Faith: regular service (Paul Stefan home)

·        Learn Photography one  basic level

·        Cooking: increase prowess

·        Cosmetics: skin routine, full makeup (& makeup theory)

·        Personal health:

o   stop relying on others for validation/find a source of self-validation;

o   stem the tide of feelings of inadequacy,

o   knock out jealousy cycle,

o   maintain a healthy romantic relationship;

o   balance romance and parenting, not one or the other

·        Eventually: Do/teach theatre again – do I have the energy? Is this what I want to do still?

·        Art: painting/watercolors; drawing?

·        Intellectually: keep consuming language , read more?

·        Radio again someday?

 Demonstrable skills (from the above):

·        Social dance

·        Krav (after a fashion)

·        Voice

·        German/ASL

·        Photography

·        Cooking???

·        Teaching??

·        Speaking/presentation

·        Writing?

·        Caring for people?

·        Digital design moderate prowess

·        Radio?

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 74

Well a whole LOT of things have happened and I need to fill in the gaps. Tonight I'm too tired. I have been very likely rather foolish today, with J. But today at least it feels lovely and beautiful.

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 73

It is LATE after a long day, so who knows what comes out here. I'm up late bc I've just applied for another position, this one at my other job.

It's a position that would provide me and my son the security we need, housing, benefits... BUT, it's in a job that would tie me to a desk 2/3 if the time (like most of the adult populace), and that would change my trajectory a lot. And my identity. It would be one of those jobs that is stable and responsible and allows me to indulge in passions outside of work. It should give me most weekends (hooray!), plus benefits and housing. But the thought of losing my identity as an interpreter breaks my heart. And I like the work I do there. To no longer be that, which I have been for 12 years... But as my friend says "this feels like a God thing." And I seem to have pretty good luck lately just going with the flow. However, interview for the other job position is this week.

So, in an attempt to temper my foolish infatuation with J, I have been seeking the company of other men. P and I have a vague date set for sometime the week he gets back from his work trip, and I'm also obligated to go see Shakespeare with a nice fellow from the dating app where I made a dummy profile months ago, and am now apparently utilizing it? Shakespeare fellow is T, for our purposes. And the more men I add in here, the more anxious I become. How do I forge anything meaningful? How does one look at every new acquaintance with hope? And it feels a bit yuck, to be bundling J in with the rest of them, just another boy I'm going to kiss, when he's more. When I'd pursue him only if he wanted me. But I don't know that he isn't dating other women, or how long he will stick around. There is something nice about being untethered, so I'm not trying to jump out of one man's pocket into another. And J is the same I'm sure. But I am powerfully attracted to him, and not just physically. I see him end of this week and he invited me to stay over so that bodes well. Right? It's been a month, has he thought about me? Missed me?

Also interesting to note that July will make a year since H moved into the spare bedroom. We recently bypassed the anniversary of shitfest weekend with A, the weekend I shot my marriage away. So, I'm going through lots of anniversaries by plowing ahead and looking forward to new things and new men and such. And I hope it won't drive me batty.

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 72

Somehow it has been two weeks since my last post; where has the time gone? So to catch up:

I talked to J briefly on his birthday l, just a few days after my last post. This helped my mood. Bc yes, he still has too much control over my emotional state. Bad form, A.

Then, the following week I hung out with his sister and got to meet his mom! She's a very cool lady and what's more, she seemed to really like me. Which, it's not like we are getting engaged or at that level of intimacy, but it was heartening all the same. She said "we should hang out." Which is so sweet of her. I was able to tell him of this, and I think that bodes well for me in his estimation. Also, I now have everyone in the family shipping us, so that must certainly bolster my cause. Another little nugget: his sister told me that on his birthday he was telling his folks how much he enjoyed himself the last time he saw me and his mom said that I "shouldn't worry." So...yay for that?

Another busy week goes by, I see my therapist (the guy) for the first time in 2 months, and we talk about J. Q: Why do I run towards romantic relationships? Possible answer: I seek approbation. So much. The answer that came out was, in a broken teary voice: "Just revealing myself completely to someone and have them accept me..." Whatever that means. I do wonder if I will ever get past this hypersensitivity to rejection. Just bc he doesn't want to talk to me all the time, just bc he's not ready to throw around endearments, just because he doesn't find me special yet--is no reason to feel even moderately despondent. But some part of me still reads every little thing as a rejection. The voice that says, "If he wanted you he would pursue you." "You are not key to his happiness. If you were, he would seek out your company often." But there is no reason he should be even infatuated. It's too soon as he reasonably knows. Not everyone is as hypersentimental and overly romantic as I am. But it honestly doesn't compute for me: how could anyone not leap at the prospect of something so lovely? Who doesn't want to be in love, to have companionship? I mean, I fully admit that committment terrifies me. But I could be a bit further down this road than we are and be perfectly comfortable. However, it's actually great that he is being cautious. Save for the fact that he jumped into sex pretty quickly--though I can't fault him for that. I hate to admit that I'm such a sap, but the sex does tend to unlock tender feelings; I don't know that I would have progressed quite to this point without some sentiment on my own. Not that I'm uncomfortable. I just have to remember that to him, sex denotes "interest" not affection. Not that I will scourge him by saying that he doesn't care for me in some way, but I'd say I probably sit somewhere among his friends in his esteem. He is right in that we don't know each other terribly well, we are not intimate. And yet I keep pretending we are somewhat intimate. Perhaps this is bc we are being physically intimate. And, through no fault of his, in some ways more physically intimate than I have been with anyone before. It's not his fault that my other partners didn't like to touch me. It shouldn't be a major emotional epoch. Anyway...

So then this past weekend I went to visit S. I yakked on the phone with P for almost 3 hours on the way down. He said "usually I run out of words sooner, so this is unusual for me." I think I'll take that as a compliment. He's out of the country this week, but I may see him this weekend. He's a game fellow, and I think I'd like to get to know him better. He seems like he could use some long-suffering friends who can stick by him despite his insane work schedule. I could see myself becoming that. :) He also gave me some good pointers for the interview that I hope to have coming up because...

...I applied for a full time 35 position at my one job. We shall see. Nothing yet though.

So spent the weekend with S, another lovely, supportive weekend. I felt the supreme comfort of being able to be wholly myself (or at least 85%), of being wholly adored. S has some first-rate qualities which are definitely in the way that I like to show affection. We speak a very similar language, and I can be so open with him. In the face of that, I wonder why I bother with J, who completely confounds me and is not forthcoming (for his own legitimate and sympathetic reasons). But my relationship with S has been building for years. I cannot expect the same level of intimacy and acceptance after mere days spent on one's company. It breaks my heart in a way that S cannot be all I would wish him to be; that I can't love him fully.

And then, hussy that I am, I talked to J for about two hours on the way home. That was really lovely. Any time he shows interest it's lovely. And I complimented him shamelessly--which perhaps he needs? I always wonder if his sanguine exterior covers insecurity. Insecurity which I almost wish he would show, because it would make him more human, or whatever. He sister says people take advantage of his kind nature, and surely that breeds protectiveness. I can't fault that. But I would adore him no matter his insecurity. That don't signify with me, as Georgette Heyer would say. Anywho, he seemed in a congenial mood as well, and I broke my resolve and mentioned that we should hang sometime. To which he said "Yes, absolutely, soon. Could you do Saturday?" And then there was scheduling (a week from Saturday) talk, and I said "well I hope it works out [and we can meet]. That would be nice." And he said "That would be *excellent.*" And like, does he not think about asking me out? Does he need me to ask first? Does he think that I stay silent bc I'm not interested? Is he only super keen when the possibility of sex is there? Is that what this is? I think I could live with that if only I could be sure. And then there is the old chestnut: "Does he think about me when we are not together?" Surely some part of him thinks about the sex a little bit, right? He is such a muddle to me. His sister says she wishes we could get to know each other in an environment much like work or college--a constant, low stakes type of interaction. I do too. This little here little there sucks. And plays havoc with my psyche.

And that brings us up to today. I get to see J in two weeks and I can't wait.

Also, I need to get to a square dance.

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 71.2

Been chatting with P on and off all day at work, while obsessing over J.

I'm in such a healthy place.

I just need J to message me. And be charming and still into me.

Or I need to be able to set aside this sentiment. Bc I need to be better than this.

Ugh.

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 71

So never got on that followup post. That was Sunday night. It’s now Thursday morning and I do need to get my ass to the office, but I think it would benefit me to process some things first. For context, it’s production week, and I’m so weary. I feel like I could sleep for three days. I may also be moderately depressed? If that’s possible? Bc I feel low on motivation. I dunno maybe I’m just moping. Things are so...active...lately.... I dunno. Like I’m not even sure where I am anymore. I keep trying to go with the flow, but the flow is...so new and I sometimes feel like I don’t know how to keep up with it. It’s not bad necessarily. Just... I guess I’m still trying to sort out where I stands between the social, dating (I had another first date last night. what the hell?) woman and the homebody watching movies and hanging on her husband’s words. Ugh and I definitely don’t want to go back to her. But also I haven’t written much since I moved in; there’s S who has been sidelined more lately, there’s my professional development that has been shelved, I haven’t been spending as much time with my mom of late...these things are all not like me. But maybe they are? How to move forward and not lose the good parts of the old? The thing about dating is that I’m trying to represent who I am, and I’m not even sure who that is fully at the moment. It’s a bit confounding.

So first, there’s J. I saw him again on Saturday. It was rather different because I had to be back for my friend’s wedding that evening so I had a deadline and drove up in the morning and then back in the afternoon. So there was some element of rush to it. Also, it rained, and that mostly kept us indoors in his apartment. And it’s funny. Bc I certainly had a good time, as always. He was certainly as wonderful as ever. But I can’t think about it without unease, discontent, melancholy even. I can’t help feeling that I did something--not wrong, not wrong, not WRONG she says for her own self worth---that freaked him out a bit. Which I know, is his problem. But it makes me sad if this is going to end. Just because it seems so good. If he feels at all like I do then we generate happiness when together...and of course *clock clock fssssteam heat.* And then of course the less brave part of myself, the one I am always working to master feels like I was more vulnerable this time, more open, and that glimpse of me in my truest sense is what made him retreat; and that’s rejection--my personal kryptonite. So I wish I could say I haven’t wept over him this week; but that would be a lie. I wish I could say he didn’t affect me like this; that I was stronger and grounded enough that I could put this in perspective and lower the damn stakes. That I didn’t take three days to recover after seeing him and experience an emotional roller coaster after each date. But again, that would be untrue. Something I need to examine with my therapist when next we meet (next week at last!) is why I have such a pull towards romantic relationships; why I have this sick addiction, why I run full speed at them even if it means it will be too much too fast and then leave me with whiplash and overtax the engine or whatever. Much ado superquick about ultimately nothing because I couldn’t chill out and pace myself. 

I keep telling myself this. But also this song keeps playing through my head:

“His eyes light up and how can I complain? I did not know the rules do not apply...”

The more I get to know him, the more I am endeared to all his little idiosyncrasies, as his strengths and weaknesses. I can gush here bc noone is listening, noone else wants to hear this. But yes, his smile makes little warm sensations bloom in my stomach. I like his chuckle and the timbre of his voice. I like the line of his jaw and his temple--I always want to touch it, run my fingers over the line of it. I love his overlarge polish nose, esp, when it is pressed to mine as she kisses me, as I gasp against his mouth. And then of course there is his mouth...such clever lips that turn me to complete jelly; but also I can’t explain, it’s not just when he’s kissing me...I love the way they shape around a jest or an explanation, his smile... He will yammer on and on about a point until its complete conclusion; he’s scientifically logical to a fault--he must accurately qualify things--and I find it delightful.  He worries that he is an old man; talks wistfully about the days before his autoimmune started to limit his actions and energy and I just want to wrap him in my arms and kiss him all over and assure him that he isn’t old; that he can fall apart and I won’t judge him; that he can rest in me and I will be there as loyally as ever. I wish to help him find his way back to that self he misses, all the while adoring the current version of J.  

He has a terrible patch of hangnails on his right thumb, and I find it endearing. Why is that? He gets droopy after he eats, and I find it endearing. What am I doing? When we are in the process of sex, he will catch my fingers in his and run his thumb along my wrist...and it reaches into my heart and tugs on it. But I know he doesn’t mean any of it the way my poor embattered soul takes it. I know he doesn’t feel the same way, that he’s not thinking about me right now, that he hasn’t memorized my expressions; isn’t obsessing about my fingers or whatever. The sex is great, because it feels like he lets down his guard some and that he wants me in some way. But once it’s over he pulls back again...it’s almost transactional. He’ll never admit to enjoying my company without me saying something first, he never compliments me, and if it weren’t for physical tells I wouldn’t know that he desired me either. I mean, in his manner he is amenable...but he won’t touch me, or kiss me, unless it’s related to sex.  I cannot tell how much he actually enjoys  my body as much as enjoys playing it like an instrument. It’s not like with other men who have told me how muh they want me...I tried this time to give him that; to be open about how much I desire him, how much I want him. If I tell him I like him or am fond of him one more time he may vomit. 

At one point were making out, etc. And I thought “God I adore his smile. He’s so handsome,” and he saw this on my face and asked. And I didn’t want to be weird so I was trying to tell him and not be weird and I don’t want to scare him away, and he said “It sounds like you’re trying to tell me you’ve fallen in love with me but you don’t want to scare me away.” And I responded “Oh no! I’m not there...that’s...” (Very articulate. This is true though. Love is something I cannot swear to this early, and it’s a big ass deal after last time.) And part of me wonders...what would he say if I said yes? Was he trying to tell me something? “But all he said was” (Ragtime? anyone?): “We wouldn’t be here (having sex) if I wasn’t interested in you.” Right. Interested. That’s what a girl wants to hear. Conclusion: he is not where I am. He’s not over sentimental. He’s being careful and grounded, and also. I’m not the amazing person he is. So of course he’s not in my thrall as I am in his. I’ve known from the beginning that once he got to really know me, he'd realize I wasn’t for him. “Don’t you know that time is not my friend, I’ll fight it to the end, hoping to keep this best of moments when the passions start. Heaven help my heart the day that I find suddenly I’ve run out of secrets...” Another moment: He was...engaging in an activity that was very nice for me (don’t want to be cliche, but he touches me in a way I’ve never experienced before and...bloody hell...) and he was coaxing me with endearments and I know that was just sex talk, but some part of me wanted it to be real. I keep hearing the word “love” fall from his lips, and I think “wouldn’t it be wonderful to be cherished by such a man? I don’t know what I can give him in return, but it would be so beautiful to be loved by him.” 

In some ways I just wish he could be candid. “Listen A, I’m not into you like you are into me, and your pushy oversentimentality is kinda freaking me out. I may want to bang you, but I don’t want to start calling you sweetheart. Ok?” It’s probably a good thing I can’t see him again for a month. (In the meantime I’m going to see S, so that’s a whole other bundle of what the fuck am I doing? “Look at your life, look at your choices.”) Anyway, this time I’m going to try (we shall see if I succeed) to sit on my hands and not contact him, not present him with dates; to let him ask me. And maybe he’ll decide he doesn’t miss my company and that will be that. Except that I will be left with his birthday present. 

So that was Saturday, and that night I was at my friend’s wedding and I flirted shamelessly with one of her friends and then he got in touch with my friend and got my info and asked me to dinner which was last night. I said yes partially on principle--I need to remind myself that J is not the only man on the planet. This fellow, P, is nice, but there’s not the same crackle there that I feel with J. He may also be a bit more cowed by my recent history and child. But I may see P again. I would never have thought this would be me. I’ve never spent so much time flirting with different men in my life. Also, my libido is way up. That’s new. I blame J. 

Parting song for today:

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 70

At the other end of that stressful week I wrote about last time. I'm tired and not too coherent and introspective and emotional. And reeling from my date with J yesterday. More to come when I'm feeling more coherent. But I will say: hot damn. That man is...very good at...physical manipulation, shall we say?

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 69

Welp, I'm stressed. I'm busy certainly, but I'm not certain this is entirely that. On my list this week is lots of vital details ahead of tech week, my sons first tball game (and he hasn't been doing too great/having tons of fun in practice), my square dance graduation, an appointment with my primary therapist (who i haven't seen in over a month thanks to finances), a wedding to go to, and if I can swing it I get to see J on Saturday. If I can further swing it, I will have an awesome birthday present for him, but so far that isn't working out according to plan. And for some reason that is stressing me a little bit.

I know I worry about my son and tball. Not only bc his father and I may be at games together occasionally, which I worry may mess with his sense of equilibrium, reopen a longing which he doesn't realize he has. I feel like lately the arrangement is hitting him, sinking in in a different way than it has...or perhaps I'm just reading into things. So obviously I worry about his well being. Esp as we get closer and closer to the start of school.

Oh and there have been major layoffs at work, and friends of mine are looking for new jobs. It makes me think about my career path; I still gage so far to go; I will likely not bag a full time teaching position this coming school year. The prospect doesn't break my heart, but also it keeps me stuck. I can't stay stuck here. Spending time with J is a reminder of how I ought to be independent, have my own lodging, cover all my own expenses, etc. And I can only say "working on it" so long. It's summer, and I'm not licensed to teach. Nor do I feel ready to. So there's that.

I dunno, most of this anxiousness is probably J. These swaths of non-communication are specifically designed to prey on my insecurities. I dunno, I just keep feeling like it is only a matter of time before the spell breaks and this is all over. And I'm not ready for that yet. I worry that I've queered the pitch by going to bed with him so soon. And I feel like I'm always wondering where he stands. And yet when I am with him it seems clear. He seems genuine and is far easier to read. I do so look forward to a time when we are truly chummy; when the delight at seeing him doesn't also include a measure of anxiousness. Does he think about me? Does he want to see me as much as I do him? Does he have as good a time as I do?

I'm going to go for now. No promises there won't be a part 2...

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 68.2

I wonder if perhaps it's the time and the silence that gives this thing such a shadow. I feel like I can be more grounded when ik with him than later.... 🤔

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 68

I've had some considerable stress in the past few days trying to rearrange my schedule so it won't be a month before I see J again. But I have to ask myself: would that be such a bad thing? I may have gotten over that bout of self doubt but am I still obsessing? My life is not measured by when I get to see J. This man I've only known for a month. (If that.)

So I saw him Sunday, got that lovely dose of "this feels brilliant, you make me happy." Then I mooned for at least two full days, during which time my productivity and attentiveness to other aspects of my life faltered. Still I keep thinking about him almost all the time. What is with me? He's not the only important thing in my life, and yet I have this inclination to place him on that pedestal. He is not the only thing that brings me joy, is not the only thing that intellectually interests me, etc. Not the only friend I have.

I mean, there's my son, for one thing. I need to spend some quality time with him where I'm not also thinking about J and wishing he would message me. I do that a lot. But so what if he doesn't? Why is that such a thing for me? Why am I so invested? He, I think, has perspective. He is working his week away and can put me into a compartment to be taken out when he has time. What is my psychological makeup that I cannot stop thinking about him?

I'm not falling in love with him. I've said that before, but it's true. My heart is still too guarded, and it still remembers all the hopes I had with H. And I don't need to be in love yet. But I am drawn to this amity between J and I; not to mention the physical chemistry. I keep waiting for him to realize he is done. Not that I am unworthy. I am as worthy to be loved, courted, etc. As anyone else. If he doesn't want this then he loses out on all the amazing in me. But I sense a tension; our dispositions wont get long term. Not for anything serious. I dunno, maybe underneath his calm vibrato is a heart more like mine; maybe he's guarding himself fiercely. But for now, he seems contentedly solitary and goodness knows that isn't me. He's also less interested in making plans than I am, and he communicates differently and not at all. The way he thinks--so analytical and literal...I'm certainly more sentimental. I keep thinking that I'm the one here for him now, and that he is going to meet the woman who fits him better. Or decide he prefers solitude. He has a great deal to manage between his job and his health, and is accustomed to managing it himself. He clearly doesn't gave the time or the emotional capacity to truly care for another atm. Not that we are there yet nor do I want to be. I'm not sure what exactly I want. Except to spend time with him.

Did I not say I couldn't spend all this time guessing all over again? And here I am. I wish he didn't have such canyons of silence between our dates.

I've thrown myself into the relationship apparently as an endeavor worthy of pursuit and affection. This means my other endeavors are lessened somewhat--job, parenting. I feel...not lost just...in process. Am I to be a mom, as was once my focus and delight (like a year ago when 8 was pouring affection on my son bc H wasn't). Am I to be a friend as I am trying to do and have some social life? Am I to be a professional, an educator and communicator and thespian and designer? Am I to be a dancer, a scribbler, a daughter? Or is this be the sum of me? Flirting with J.H. and all the rest in between. I keep trying to remember what was driving me, what was sparking my joy (as Kondo would say) before J ever entered my life. You know, weeks ago. Bc it's got to come from me, not someone else.

I dunno, maybe I think about him so much bc hes still such a question. I'm still guessing.

Anyway, sleep is a must...

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 67

What she says: I'm fine.

What she means: I can't stop thinking about J and how he made me feel Sunday night and I'm in an almost constant state of arousal and once again having serious focus issues and damn that man is POTENT.

I can't help wondering if he's as distracted by me, but likely not. He's far too regimented and practical for that. But seriously, the attraction I feel to this man both in terms physical and intellectual is intense. I'm not falling in love with him, I just feel so fantastic when I'm with him. And hella aroused. I've never felt this way sexually before that I can remember. I was attracted to H of course, but it's different somehow...hard to explain. And now I know that he is attracted to me...which is quite wonderful.

Needless to say we made strides Sunday. For one thing, we were both able to drop our guard some more, be more ourselves. I felt I could be more silly with him, and he opened up a lot and really gave me very valuable insights. Of course the third act of our evening certainly did too. He talked about how much he needs to recharge, and the general fatigue and physical challenge he faces regularly. He talked about how he feels like his family doesn't really know him as well anymore (which means what I have heard from his sister must be taken with the appropraiate grains). I feel so lucky to be getting to know the real him, the one I'm still figuring out. He talked about his health challenges and how his AID makes it hard for him to think super long term. He made me laugh and giggle for several minutes straight, and he admitted (albeit with prompting) that he likes spending time with me. But he dressed with an effort this time it seemed. And he greeted me with a hug that was certainly *not* platonic and he said "it's good to see you." I get the sense that he is an actions louder than words type of guy. But that went particularly well for me later in the evening...

So we did a bit of walking and we had dinner and then there was a sofa and some wine. And I'm trying to make my body language obvious but he's not taking the bait so I'm thinking ok, I'm reading this wrong or whatever. So then he goes to leave and takes me in an embrace that I've decided to let him break. So the seconds are stretching and he doesn't let go, and I'm like "kiss me, please kiss me," but I don't want to be the idiot if he's not actually interested... So I shifted my mouth ever so slightly so it was angled toward his. And he asked if I was ok, and I said yes, you? And he said something like "I'm just fine" and then he kissed me. And internally I'm shouting "YES! Finally!" And man is he a GOOD kisser. J: This took an interesting turn. Me: I'm not complaining. ... Me: [Sorry] You need to get on the road. J: How could I leave this? (Or resist this?) There was more convo amid lots of kissing and such, but it was thrilling to feel how must he wanted me, how much he was enjoying me as I did him. It was so nice and honest. Just naked desire or whatever, but not simply lust. He kept checking in, kept waiting for me to give permission, etc. (Which apparently is why he took so long to kiss me, he was waiting for me, I for him, etc.) Me: You can touch me. I mean you don't have to... J: Oh I think I have to... Did I note that he is a great kisser? At some point clothes started to come undone, and there was discussion of things going as far as I wanted (good man), and then we went upstairs. Even though some part of me thinks this was foolish, to be so hasty when I can't be sure of so many things, I would have regretted it if he had just gone home. So then I had to locate and pilfer one of my sister's condoms, go through the song and dance of my dysfunctions, and the lowering expectations thing I apparently do when it comes to sex. I'm surprised at how calm and not anxious I was. And good lord, he is good. He likes some small talk during (which I think is consent as much as dirty talk), so I'm going to need to brush up on that, but he certainly knows what he's doing. I asked him how long it had been, and he said 5 years. But his words: "I was a bit of a Don Juan in college." Which of course intimidates me some. It does mean that I get the benefit of his xp, as before with H. And of course it means that I see the faint end of the road on the horizon. But for now I am going to enjoy the hell out of this. He has the most clever hands....and other things... At some point he said "it's good to know I'm not old and have lost the ability to..." and I was like oh hell no. And to be honest, I might explode if confronted with his younger Don Juan. Bc this version is certainly causing combustion. He said he didn't bring condoms bc "I never expect this sort of thing to happen anymore." He laid with me after for a but but then had to get on the road. He kept checking that I was ok, and he said out loud that he wanted to see me again.

Tonight I actually heard from him briefly, but then he just signed off randomly again. I pitched the idea of spending the night and then no response. But he does this. I know that now. And he takes a while to process things, he must carefully consider all options. So I'm not worried. I just want an answer now! Lol.

With luck, I see him in two weeks, if I don't implode from unspent lust before then. I cannot recall when I have ever been so consistently aroused. I just hope he continues to be as keen bc I'm fairly certain I could develop a habit. (As if I haven't already.)

So now what? I lie in bed and replay the evening again and fall asleep in a lusty daze. Bc that appears to be the norm atm.

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 66

So I see J today after work and it's the morning and I don't want to get moving and I think it's because I'm so nervous and part of me is dreading this. It's my fault I think for making things awkward. I refuse to feel shame for trying to be honest about my attraction to him, but I have to deal with the consequences of making that step. And while I can right now separate our success or failure (for lack if a better word) from my own personal worth, I will be disappointed if this doesn't go somewhere...even friendship. Just bc he's a really nice guy, and there seemed to be promise and it would be such a shame if it all came to naught. Also, even if this became something short-lived; it could be healthy, uplifting, comforting for us both. Like, dude deserves to get laid. I know that's crazy to say at this point, but he's a good man who works super hard and he's so solitary... When was the last time he was physically intimate? And oddly bc I know his sister and father I trust him instantly bc I know the integrity with which he was raised. I dunno. There's nothing saying he's not planning to date other women and sort that out. It's not like I am his only option. A man with his wit and good humor will likely not be lonely.

But yeah, I do feel like the stakes are higher this time. Like this will be the tell as to whether or not we go any further down this road. And I will just be very bummed if the road ends here. Not crushed, just disappointed.