Alvin put the rest of the tools away, then sat back down to pick at the cooling remains of his dinner. He hadnāt been hungry much lately. Maybe he should have taken himself off somewhere else, but he found himself loath to leave the small flash of companionship, strained though it was.
He only half-watched the kid. He was fairly sure Jude had read that book a dozen times already over the course of their journey. What heād find in it on a thirteenth reading, Alvin would be hard pressed to say. More likely it was an excuse to sit here. He didnāt want to think about why.
Another bite, and then another. Wasnāt much, but it would keep him going for another day, at least. His fork abruptly stilled at the question.
āNo!ā The word came out too quickly, and he set the fork down too fast. Shit. It was one thing to keep that feeling coiled inside you, where no one else could see it gnawing away. Something else entirely when someone dragged its ugly carcass out into the air. He forced a smile.Ā
āHell of a time to ask that, kid. Youāre not trying to keep me from coming along, are you?ā
He couldnāt answer. If Alvin truly intended to be killed in their assault on Maxwell, blaming him didnāt really work. Jude had already figured that at the very least, he could be killed. Easily. If Alvin wanted this to be the way he died, instead of straight out suicide, how could he blame him? He at least had the strength to try to be heroic while facing utter demise, something rather commendable considering his past. Meanwhile, Jude was leading every one of his friends to undeniable slaughter. He knew the group would object to him going alone, of course, but didnāt he have a duty to only get himself killed? What was the point of getting everyone killed if he could learn the truth by himself and be killed instead?
Back to twiddling his thumbs. It was a nervous habit, Jude knew, and Alvin must know at this point that it meant he was falling back into his indecision. It wasnāt a side he wanted anyone to see, most of all Alvin. He must already have enough problems on his shoulders without seeing his own so-called leader falter in what he claimed he was so sure of.Ā
He sighed, took a few breaths. Back when he had first entered medical school, before his early appointments, this technique had helped him to calm down to the point he could focus on his work without panicking. And while this was a far cry from a simple appointment, it helped nearly just as much.Ā
āIf I left, to face Maxwell alone...would you promise not to tell anyone?ā
It was a rather simple question Jude had asked, but he could imagine the immediate objections that would pour from Alvinās mouth.
āIām being serious, Alvin. No one else needs to do this. I know everyone claims that theyāre absolutely sure about this, but theyāre not. I can see it in their faces every second we get closer to where weāre heading. But I amĀ sure, even if Iām scared. I can do this alone.ā
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