DID and religious trauma. that's what this blog is all about, right? i made this to help me keep/acquire my library of information about us.
the religious trauma part is hard. it's hard to acknowledge that my headmates were created for such awful reasons and were treated so poorly before we realized we have DID.
DissociaDID released a video semi-recently on demon alters. though i know ive seen Mara's introduction video, i don't remember it very well. i just remember it was pretty triggering, but not much else about it. when they released this episode on demon alters, i had to take a few days to evaluate if/when/who should watch the video. we settled on me, as long as Lilly was nearby in case i started panicking.
everything went pretty smoothly, but i realized something shortly thereafter. or maybe it was revealed to me? i'm not sure. information keeping is quite fuzzy around here.
i have decently vivid memories of an alter being hyper-religious, a very charismatic baptist. she was convinced she was possessed by demons, plural. several of them. of course looking back on that poor thing, she was brainwashed with a debilitating disorder. but she didn't know that.
there were two "demons" in particular that she "suffered from". one had a name, and one was simply a version of her "broken, evil" younger self.
the first was the demoness Lilith. she was alluring, with a blaze of red hair and forest green eyes, an aura of pink emanating from her skin. she had a fit, lithe, model-like body and was often scantily clad if dressed at all. she was sexuality embodied, in every way; a temptress. a femme fatale who encouraged embracing sexuality and indulging in "impure thoughts" about her boyfriend and women. a soft and comforting voice cooing compliments and soothing words, Lilith could convince her of anything.
the second had no name, and was shrouded in darkness. a mess of long, unkempt, black curls. black eyes rimmed with a purple glow, as if a light was shining out from behind them. this demon was a "dark" mirror image, a shapeshifter of sorts, though always wearing a black hoodie, black jeans, black converse, and decked out in black and silver jewelry and spikes. a sharp tongue, this being knew all the buttons to push to degrade and discourage, all the old wounds and how to open them. always angry, always begging to escape. when this demon got extra angry, it would vibrate and seem to phase in and out. they had a spiky purple aura that got stronger and more jagged with strong emotions. this demon "trying to take over" often resulted in uncontrollable shaking, tremors, and muscle tension. she was terrified of them.
Lilith was the first to consciously realize she was part of a system. now known affectionately as Lilly, she's my co-host. we front together often especially when alone and are rarely ever apart, though distinctly different.
i've gotten to know Andy as our 15 year old self. they're still angry and quiet, often lurking in the corner of our mind when they're conscious. they're a recovering persecutor, and we're trying to show them how loved they are. that they aren't evil.
Andy is still very "demonic" in nature, but by choice. they have embraced it and feel it's true to who they are. quite a Nimona type, though from several years before the movie was even an idea. their aura, a defining trait exclusive to our little beasts (affectionately), is as spiky and purple as ever.
Lilly embraces the title of demoness and succubus now more as an inside joke than anything else, showing no other "demonic" traits other than her soft, ever-present, peachy pink aura that grows larger, brighter, and warmer when she is receiving or giving affection (inside or outside the mind).
andulkaphoto
jbbartram-illu
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pixelskylines
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kianamaiart
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