Whoops. Vanished again for three months. Sorry about that. Still working on the whole depression thing and juggling literally anything with finishing up school was a little difficult, but finishing school managed to occur without too many problems.
I’ve got a half-done liveblog post in my drafts that I’m going to work on so expect that either today or tomorrow. Maybe.
I’m also debating whether or not to try out lighter liveblogging where I liveblog maybe four or five pages a week or so. It’d mean more frequent content but less in-depth analysis. Your thoughts?
Hey, I just realised I passed 100 followers! That’s pretty awesome (and kind of overwhelming!) that so many of you have an interest in seeing me flounder about as I try to get to grips with this monster of a webcomic. Hope you all stick around for more!
Let’s get this ball rolling and delve into Homestuck’s third act!
(Symbolic date chosen due to the fact that I know GG’s introduction starts the act off [one of you thought it didn’t count as a spoiler when it totally did and it was the one time my ask screener fucked up, but it isn’t that big a deal] as a homage to my initial theory that placed her as a stoner type.)
And things start off with the dusty old Sassacre book John found in the Egbert safe.
...With a note to John??
You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man! Why, the mangrit needed to lift the book is itself a sign of your maturity, not even to speak of the wisdom needed to grasp the nuance of Sassacre's time-tested mischief. I am so proud of you, grandson!
From Nanna. Written when she was still alive, maybe?
I think Rose with Sburb’s cursor is more than enough mangrit needed. In a shocking twist of events, Rose is hailed as the new Egbert heir.
How I wish I could have delivered this heirloom to you in the flesh. But I am afraid it wasn't in the cards! For you see, John, like you, this book must yet take a journey! Its journey will end on the Final Day of my life, and even then will continue some. Though I suppose that will be up to your Father. Perhaps he will discuss it with you one day, when he and you are ready.
Hang on, this just took an oddly prophetic tone. And here I thought cryptic allusions to things were the trademark of Sprites imparted with intimate knowledge of Sburb. and GG.
But it is your journey I am writing about to wish you luck! There will come a day when you will be thrust into another world. And once you arrive, that is only the beginning! You will soon delve even deeper into a realm of Warring Royalty in a Timeless Expanse. A realm of Agents and Exiles and Consorts and Kernelsprites. Of toiling Underlings and slumbering Denizens. A realm where four will gather, the Heir of Breath and Seer of Light, the Knight of Time and Witch of Space, and together they will Ascend.
And deeply symbolic and probably highly important shit was just dumped on us out of nowhere. Analysis time.
“another world” = Sburb, obviously.
The Warring Royalty refers to the two kingdoms and the Timeless Expanse could be Skaia or the session as a whole?
Agents could be several things. It could refer to secret agents, maybe implying some kind of espionage (between the Kingdoms??) or it could mean agent in the sense of having the ability to act out of your own free will (a story arc about agency? The kids act outside of user commands?). Other definitions (according to dictionary.com) include responsibility (someone undertaking a heavy and difficult task?) and a natural force/object that produces/is used to obtain specific results (this could refer to the meteors and how they are integral in the process of rebuilding Earth?). Mysterious.
Exiles might refer to the kids themselves, as they’re forcibly exiled from their home planet. However, it might also refer to WV and the Peregrine Mendicant, since there’s an implication that WV fled the dark kingdom after bad shit happened and that could be classed as an exile. Perhaps Peregrine Mendicant has had similar things happen to them but flip-side?
Consorts... my first thought had to do with consorts in terms of relationships, which the dictionary defines as “especially of a reigning monarch”. Perhaps this could do with partners of the rulers of the two Kingdoms? Alternatively it could do with shipping among the kids themselves? Endgame marriage? The second (likely) definition is to do with association and accompaniment. In-game allies? The Sprites?
Kernelsprites are the base versions of prototyped sprites. So that’s one mystery solved, at least.
Underlings are unimportant servants. Basically the Grunt class in an RPG. The word’s typically used in a more antagonistic light so maybe this is the imps? Since they seem to be the most basic enemy, compared to the colossal beasts currently fighting John. Or it could refer to people of minor positions in the Kingdoms. Foot-soldiers?
Denizen just means inhabitant/frequenter. Maybe the populace of the two Kingdoms? And maybe the cryptic planets, too? The word “slumbering” is giving me pause, however. Maybe because they’re technically “asleep” until the game starts?
“The four will gather” obviously refers to the kids, and those titles probably refer to each of them.
Heir of Breath - heirs are to do with family and inheritance, and breath has connotations of song, life, clarity, and strength. Maybe John because he has the whole cross-generational family thing going on (although GG’s family is yet to be seen) and is more musically inclined. But certain aspects could also apply to Rose - she has this whole clear, calm demeanour going on, and maybe resolving her issues with her mother (as far as I’m concerned Bro is irredeemable so Dave’s off the possibility list) would help her to step into the role of the Lalonde Heir?
Seer of Light - It’s between Rose and GG. Seers can be be either prophetic or omniscient. Early on in the comic Rose had a knack for knowing pretty much every one of John’s actions before they occurred and GG has this whole cryptic-but-expansive knowledge of Sburb going on. And light again can do with clarity, but also optimism and reassurance. It can also do with coming up with solutions to difficult problems. There’s also the expression “seeing the light” which is usually equated with an epiphany (either religious or otherwise general enlightenment) which could again fit with the “gnostic” part of GG’s handle, but could also do with Rose sobering up and seeing the truth of her situation with her mother (there could also be foreshadowing with the literal lights of her home dying). Difficult to say, really.
Knight of Time - Knights are typically warriors with a noble cause. John and Dave are the two kids we’ve seen who’ve been involved in the most violence. Dave is more of the warrior, and John would be more noble due to his less fucked-up upbringing. Time itself has to do with chronology, obviously, as well as inevitability but also eternity. Maybe the Knight of Time would have to face the inevitability of fighting for what is right for all eternity? Time also has to do with things running out and coming to an end, stuff like lifespans and durations. Another hypothetical thing could be fighting against your imminent end, and by extension fate as a whole for a sense of justice? Could go either way, here.
Witch of Space - Witches are all about magic and sorcery, but also have a reputation as dark and grim harbingers of despair, the frightening antithesis to the status quo (look at witch-hunts for example, and even witches in Harry Potter tend to be more revolutionary and powerful than their male counterparts, to give a more modern example). Space has connotations of immense beauty and cosmic power, but also darkness and isolation. Again this is a tie between GG and Rose. The space part could fit Rose pretty well (her entire home is in darkness due to the power cut - foreshadowing) and she has this whole interest in lovecraftian abominations from the void, and being a witch would be a cruel dose of irony in the face of her fury at her mother’s wizardly obsession. Also witches tend to get shit done in contrast to seers who just drop vague hints and prophecies which is more in line with what GG is doing. However, GG does have an air of fright around her, including the fact that she already seems to be familiar with a game which itself is the harbinger of the apocalypse, and we haven’t actually met her in person yet, so who’s to say she’s not a “wicked witch”? I’m pretty sure either Dave or Rose mentioned her having a “devilbeast” which could be some kind of horrific familiar from beyond the stars? This one is probably the hardest to decide.
In conclusion:
Heir of Breath = either John or Rose. I’m gonna say probably John.
Seer of Light = either Rose or GG. Compelling evidence both ways, but unless there’s an unforeseen twist, GG seems to be hitting all the right thematic elements.
Knight of Time = either John or Dave. I’m going to go with Dave if only because that would leave him as the Heir of Breath and his family situation is too fucked for that.
Witch of Space = either Rose or GG (again). This is near-impossible to decide, but I’ll say Rose due to both the irony of the title and the fact that GG’s more obviously a seer than her.
I wonder if the fact that they’re paired together means anything?
And lastly, Ascend. Aside from being a common command prompt in-story, ascending could do with a higher purpose, stepping into a role, or to acquire/receive a great reward (throne ascension for example). This probably just means winning Sburb in a cryptic way.
...Yikes. I’ve written exam essays shorter than that analysis dump. All of this will be disproved anyway (probably) so I hope you all get a kick out of me spending nearly two hours dissecting a few Emphasised Words.
(If it’s not clear, Nanna obviously knew about Sburb at least 13 years before its launch. How, I have no fucking clue.)
John, if only you knew how important you were! I regret my passing came so early in your life. And yet I feel in my heart we have already met. But what I know for sure is that we will meet again!
Until then, John, I do hope your Father keeps you well fed!
And she apparently knew about her future as a Sprite, too? Did she maybe have some hand in orchestrating things? I think I need to see more of her to better discern her potential motives. I think she’s benevolent, though. Maybe. Probably.
And there’s the enigmatic laugh of bullshit. Never change, Nanna. Never change.
ACT 3 ==>
IT BEGINS.
There’s GG! Fast asleep, and with the pumpkin WV appearified and ate?
A silly girl naps by her flowers. It is quite likely that she tired herself out with a variety of silly antics, as silly girls are often known to do. She may have a silly name too. Or maybe not. It is hard to say for sure without asking her.
She seems harmless, but I don’t know. This comic likes to do things in a non-linear way. This could be before she acquires any of her knowledge.
Uh...
I guess...
I guess her name is Farmstink.
John, Rose, Dave, and Farmstink. Perfect.
Hey standard cursor which we haven’t seen since Act 1! How’ve you been?
You try to roust Farmstink from her slumber, but she is really down for the count!
Farmstink’s obviously exhausted from being cryptic for two solid acts! Let the girl sleep!
THEY'RE RIGHT THERE.
IN PLAIN SIGHT.
LOOK, THEY ARE FLASHING RED.
I can’t believe I’m witnessing the birth of an in-universe dead horse gag.
Even Homestuck itself is done with its shit. It’s beautiful thing to behold.
The pumpkin is gone. The circle of stupidity is complete.
Anyway, that would be a really terrible thing to do to poor, sweet Farmstink.
Farmstink (debatably) did nothing wrong!!! Leave her alone!!! >:(
Shit. Farmstink continues to be frighteningly prophetic.
Anyway. True name reveal time!
And thus Jade Harley is christened. Feels good to be able to call her something other than GG.
And she wakes! With a pumpkin perfectly blank shirt design! Even though I’m pretty sure she had an atomic symbol earlier?
Well there’s the “garden” part of her handle. And her shirt’s a leaf now. What is going on. Jade. Explain.
Your name is JADE. You have just woken from a restful nap, and as usual, you have no recollection of having fallen asleep. You have quite a number of INTERESTS. So many in fact, you have trouble keeping track of them all, even with an assortment of COLORFUL REMINDERS on your fingers to help you sort out everything on your mind. Nevertheless, when you spend time in your GARDEN ATRIUM, the only thing on your mind is your deep passion for HORTICULTURE.
This tells me jack shit about you, Jade. You apparently need reminders on your interests but do not use said reminders to tell us what those interest are, and you apparently have some weird amnesia/narcolepsy thing going on. (fuck i had to spend five minutes trying to remember the word narcolepsy. incredible.) Not remembering things without countless reminders and sudden bouts of sleep? You should probably see someone about that.
[S] Jade: Play a silly flute refrain.
This was indeed silly. I wonder if you can actually play something if you arrange the flute notes in the right way?
Also her shirt changed again. What kind of crazy fashion technology are you packing, Harley.
Wow, you really suck at this thing!
At least your prophetic awareness is good for one thing.
Maybe you should try playing an instrument you actually know how to play instead, like the one in your bedroom. Honestly you have no idea where this flute even came from. Things seem to appear and disappear around here all the time. Especially, to your unending chagrin, any sort of large orange gourd that might be lying around.
That would be an idea. Alongside seeing a professional about your memory and slumber problems. Then we might actually have a semi-normal character on our hands.
On second thought, it was a perfectly nice flute and there is no reason to take your frustration out on it. You just need some practice.
Jade seems like a nice person. Whose shirt changed design again.
But before you captchalogue the FLUTE you will need to set your FETCH MODUS first!
fucking no. not this bullshit again. we did not just trawl through nearly eight hundred pages just so we could return back to the inane fuckery of john at his height of immaturity and lack of self-awareness. i am a good person who has endured enough suffering for a series of lifetimes. i do not deserve to go back to sylladex hell.
i am frothing at the mouth and shrieking with the rage of a condemned and pained beast.
and ouija modus is up there with “play sburb” in terms of bad ideas. let’s bring fucking ghosts into the picture to spice things up a little.
i know your game, jade. try and hide behind cutesy fun all you like, i see where this is going.
You have a wide variety of FETCH MODI to choose from. You were really excited when your GRANDPA bought you this MODUS SET for Christmas. He is a total badass, even if a little strict.
Relative #4 unlocked: Grandpa edition.
I don’t know how to feel about that description. Bro was apparently a badass and look where that’s turning out. I hope Grandpa is just a normal old man, like a benign harmless version of Nanna. That would be great.
You typically opt for the MEMORY MODUS when it comes to matters of day-to-day practicality.
We just established you have memory issues, Jade. How is this in any way a wise choice?
i just made a noise that wasn’t dignified.
For the typical sylladexer this modus presents a frustrating guessing game and a lot of wasted time on mismatching. But you like it because you seem to have a knack for always guessing right on the first try!
Oh yeah. The whole Seer thing. Right. Since Light is truth and the path forward. Makes sense. (It would make less sense if she’s actually the witch or any of the other three titles and wouldn’t it be sweet if I got this one thing right?)
Jade: Squeal like a piglet and fertilize some plants.
Bullshit points continue to rack up.
Gag rehashing firmly continues to be a Real Thing
It is an awfully silly idea and is basically a waste of everyone's time. You will predictably disregard this thought and focus on more sensible objectives at once.
Thank you for continuing to be sensible in your decision not to act out these bullshit suggestions.
oh my god this is so much fun
My eye is twitching. She actually carried out the Most Bullshit Command(TM): Standard Issue. I cannot fucking believe.
At least she’s actually enjoying herself unlike everyone else so far. It feels refreshing and nice and I hope I can trust it.
I cross my fingers and pray that there aren’t any horrifying plot twists to ruin these wholesome and pure vibes Jade is giving off.
Let there be one untainted thing in this webcomic (metaphorically; she’s probably covered in a shit ton of fertiliser). For once let’s have things not take a turn for the bizarre or unironically upsetting. That would be nice.
Finally. We’re here. Almost a year since I finished Act 1, I finally reach the end of Act 2.
I cannot believe it took this long.
Anyway. Let’s start the liveblog.
So WV manages to get out anyway. That’s good.
Is that the hand of the Lalonde wizard statue?
The entire thing just launched itself into the air???
Oh wait. It ascended.
Fly free across the desolate wasteland, WV, fly free.
So he’s heading to the site of John’s former neighbourhood?
A tree’s growing? I guess it would make sense since an apple brought John into the game.
Side note: this music is fucking awesome.
So the glowing sky shape was WV all along. One catastrophe averted.
So long as it doesn’t crash-land.
Is he waving hi? That’s adorable.
An early-Earth volcano?
Sburb meteor?
???
A frog pyramid in the crater?
There’s Rose.
I don’t think beating the generator as a wall of flame descends upon you is a good idea.
This shot is pretty cool. It really hammers in the dire situation that they’re all in. (Even if the suspense is taken out a little because John’s shown us what happens.)
Ominous shot of Mom Lalonde.
what are you doing
Is that the spirograph on their house?????????
What is going on???
She opened up a secret entrance into the mausoleum?
It’s Dad!!! Alive!! But kidnapped by imps!
Are they on the purple world WV drew? The “ominous planet”?
dad egbert you sneaky trickster
they’re fucked
And there’s Dave, still caught up in the abusive mindgames of his Bro.
And there’s the dick himself.
So WV lands by the ruins?
Hm.
And that’s it?
The spirograph’s pretty striking in black and white, to be honest.
END OF ACT 2
And there we have it! Act 2 is done!
Only five more to go!
Hopefully it won’t take another year to finish Act 3. I know Homestuck itself took seven years to be completed. I hope this liveblog doesn’t take as long, either.
Well, see you all whenever I start liveblogging Act 3!
In which we reach the end of Act 2 and these kids are still stuck in their homes.
When will they be free.
Got em already.
Surprisingly an alien with no grasp of human etiquette is the most competent character.
What pumpkin?
Is there some kind of reality clause that states that pumpkins can only exist while not being directly observed? Is quantum pumpkin metaphysics going to become a thing?
It appears to be a gauge for a large POWER CELL, perhaps fueled by some type of nuclear reaction. If this is the case, it is relatively low on fuel. But who knows how long it has been running here?
Hmm. Sburb spirograph plus the symbol on GG’s shirt? Are these the remnants of her playthrough? What does it power? What happens when it runs out?
You do not care about this sort of nonsense and you will disregard it at once. You are very hungry.
Honestly WV’s got his (their?) priorities straight.
Let’s not get caught up in the arbitrary labelling of alien genders and move on.
Captchalogue? You have no idea what that means. It is total nonsense and you do not know what to make of it. You will not give the foolish notion a second thought.
Praise the good lord above. Finally, a character who steps around all the inventory bullshit. It is a good day.
You just pick it up.
You are now holding the CAN OF GRAVY.
I am feeling visibly relieved. I was preparing for the worst and I’m rewarded with sweet, beautiful simplicity.
Your teeth are useless for the task! They are blunt like that of livestock, presumably suitable for mashing up plant matter, and not for puncturing metal.
Well you did just fucking obliterate a pumpkin nothing in particular so it makes sense.
Your WEAK PATHETIC DIGITS are not strong enough to penetrate the can!!!
Your fingers are certainly pointy enough, and your black carapace is suitably rigid, but you just don't have enough muscle for the task.
Alternatively we’re dealing with potentially the most useless character in Homestuck here. I feel kinda bad for WV, though. Someone give this poor creature a can opener.
You'll need to find something to put stuff in if you want to carry a lot of things around.
Maybe an actual bag or something instead of a Sylladex. That would be great.
You drop all the cans and take a look at your wrist.
Oh yeah. That’s a thing.
It is a sort of specialized BAR CODE PATTERN.
This brings back unpleasant memories and you would prefer not to dwell on it.
This raises many questions, including the revelation that even this creature has gone through hell and me wanting to know what happened. +1 pity points are awarded.
Who knew a webcomic about a kid fucking around in his house would turn into a messy pile of trauma and suffering?
Rose had better alchemise like a billion therapists after they’re done (and if they survive. Shit. I hope nobody dies that would not be a fun time.)
What plant?
*aggressively herbivores*
You are somewhat skeptical about the nutritional value contained by these pages. However, of the practical wisdom they contain there can be little doubt. You have learned so much.
The only true key to knowledge is to consume and internalise it. Make it a part of you. Achieve physical and mental sustenance with absolutely no consequences.
You have BEANS, MUSTARD, GRAVY, BREAD, SHRIMP, ASPARAGUS, CHEESE, RICE, CORN, PEAS, FLOUR, CHESTNUTS, MAYO, HAM, POTATOES, and SQUASH.
Such bountiful plenty. And yet the delights taunt you from within their small metal prisons.
I wonder if these flavours are symbolic. Or it could just be food and I could be reading too much into this.
You have already looked all over the place for a CAN OPENER, even making a few electronic inquiries about one, to no avail.
Nothing else inside the purple thing either.
What the fuck kind of bullshit underground bunker is this. No can opener, a failing power supply, sand everywhere. WV deserves better.
You wield your TRUSTY KNIFE.
Oh shit he has a knife. Maybe he’s less incompetent than I thought. And... is that blood on the blade?
What the fuck has this guy been through?
You're not sure what they're called. It's an old rusted one of those red mailbox arm-swing flappy doodads, either for letting you know there is mail in the box, or maybe for alerting the mailman to outgoing mail to be collected. You don't know, really. You've wrapped a little piece of cloth around it for the grip.
It is useless for opening cans.
...Oh. Just rust. Oh and I see the resemblance to the mailbox thing (kinda).
And what do you mean. Sharpened metal can do anything if you try hard enough.
This means nothing to you. You are not an imp, you have no idea what an imp is, and you will not entertain such frivolous and childish ideas ever again. You feel stupid and hate yourself a little for even considering it.
Did I mention how much I love WV’s complete unwilingness to put up with the narrative’s bullshit?
But wait. The fact that he doesn’t know what imps are has implications.
WV: Become the mayor of Can Town.
“you will not entertain such frivolous and childish ideas ever again”
As the glorious founder and mayor of CAN TOWN, you erect a dignified, majestic CITY HALL out of cans, fittingly capped off with a tome of good manners for the roof. You have given yourself a very official and important looking MAYORAL SASH made out of old cables to complete your look of authority. A number of rather civic-minded CITIZEN CANS gather in front of the building to offer adulation to their fair and magnanimous leader. All is well.
A true metropolis.
This guy is a visionary.
And what are those patters on his robes/shroud? They weren’t there a minute ago.
You immerse yourself in this beautiful dream as you whittle away the minutes, or perhaps hours.
You love the idea of being a mayor. You love everything about mayors, and the concept of an orderly, civil democracy. It all seems so mannerly and reasonable to you. Everyone is friendly and happy, and the city runs like clockwork. The foundation of the government is based on mutual respect between the leader and its people. It is also built on having a really great mayor that everyone loves who is totally amazing and heroic and brave.
#WV2016. The campaign people can really get behind.
Mayors are so much better than kings. You hate kings and you think kings are really stupid. They are petty, bossy tyrants and are really full of themselves and are basically awful in every way.
God do you hate kings.
Did WV flee from a corrupt monarchy or something? A totalitarian dystopia that brands its residents for life? That would explain a lot about this democratic fantasy.
Is there not one character in this entire webcomic who is genuinely happy?
Over here is the other side of the room. There is another one of those purple storage boxes, and some useless objects scattered on the floor.
Crayola crayons, an insect (firefly?) in amber, gasoline? and a green thing that glows?
You pick up the nugget of URANIUM and...
Oh that was so stupid. Why would you do that?
That was the fuel for this place, wasn’t it. And he just ate it.
You can’t see me but I’m shaking my head and letting out a soft sigh.
It's chalk numbnuts.
I stand corrected.
Inside the box, there are 12 pieces of CHALK in every color of the...
10 pieces of chalk. In most colors of the rainbow.
You are excited by this.
So WV has an insatiable urge to eat all things green?
I wonder if this means there’s another character with a similar affinity with the colour red? Since a red-green duality is definitely a thing that is occurring.
There must be some sort of release mechanism for this thing.
Another button on the keyboard, maybe?
The container is full of MOTOR OIL. This does not seem useful to you right now.
Chekhov’s oil.
Hold on.
Andrew Hussie I’m onto your sameface syndrome.
There is nothing you can do for this new little friend. Attempting to crush the AMBER encasing the FIREFLY would likely cause it harm.
It nevertheless bravely flashes on. You find its light alluring. Inspiring.
Free the firefly 2k09.
Democracy.
This is beautiful.
You sketch a handsome network of sprawling thoroughfares for your citizens to traverse. The adoring population applauds its mayor's keen instincts for city planning.
You even add some lush vegetation to your city with a piece of blue chalk, because you can't seem to find a more suitable color for some reason.
Simcity looks great.
You develop westward, settling those fertile plains and claiming them for your city.
You section off a number of RESIDENTIAL AND COMMERCIAL ZONES for civic growth, arranged in the only logical pattern that occurs to you.
You color the RESIDENTIAL ZONES with your piece of white chalk, but for some reason none of the colors in the box strike you as suitable for the COMMERCIAL ZONES. Perhaps there is an alternative.
That’s a chessboard. And didn’t Nanna mention something about kingdoms of light and dark?
Maybe WV’s from the dark kingdom, which is destined to viciously triumph in a war. It would explain why he fled and why he has bad memories.
WV: Use your own pee for the commercial zones.
What the fuck. Why would anyone suggest this.
You cannot urinate because you have not had anything to drink in quite some time. You are very thirsty.
Also that is a really terrible idea and you would not consider befouling your wonderful city in that way for even a moment.
Thank you for continuing to have some sense. Mayors need this level of responsibility.
The chess war allegory continues to become more real.
Perfect.
Using most of your imagination and an entire piece of sky-blue chalk, you render a bright and cheerful sky full of clouds.
You have decided that very closely orbiting your city is a LUMINOUS PLANET, about which orbits a single MOON.
You switch to another shade of blue and continue rendering on the western wall.
A deeply symbolic mural I’m sure. I don’t know enough about what’s going on to really speculate, though.
Orbiting much further from your city are FOUR PLANETS. None of these have satellites, you have decided. Yes, that makes sense, you think.
Four planets = four kids?
Hey John.
And on the southern wall, beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness, occupying the furthest orbit yet, there is an OMINOUS PLANET. A MOON circles this one too.
Moon planets = kingdoms of light and dark?
Four screens. Does that mean WV is going to interact with each of the kids?
Oh yeah, it's that guy. You had almost forgotten about him and his confusing shenanigans.
At least WV continues to know what’s up.
Is that an Apple keyboard?
The suspense is palpable.
Oh my god it releases tab soda. I’m not even mad.
sheer ecstasy right there
You free the heavenly brown elixir from the jewels of pink carapace and imbibe like the wind.
It is so sweet and sugary. You wonder how so much sugar can fit in one can. Whatever mighty wizard concocted this potion is truly deserving of your fear and respect.
I’m so happy for him.
The TABS are naturalized as loyal new citizens of CAN TOWN. All cans are welcome and equal in your city, regardless of can content, and whether empty or full.
This is a literal utopia.
It's not like emptying a can kills it or anything. They are just cans after all.
Hmm. This line feels significant. Maybe a reference to Earth? Emptying it of people doesn’t kill it so the kids will obviously be able to rebuild it in the end?
You use the arrow key to scroll up a bit. You can't believe how much you've already typed into this stupid contraption. What a waste of time.
I’m not putting the image in this post. It’d probably crash it.
You scroll all the way up to your first command.
It looks like there are more commands above it. Maybe someone was entering commands on this thing before you?
There aren't many more. At the top of this list appears to be the very first command.
The mystery deepens.
This screen shows Rose, I’m guessing. And is that a Lalonde wizard in a tornado?
Some sort of filthy beggar pleading for help?
i just choked on my drink
THE PUPPET IS DEAD. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And Dave’s sprite is that bird he impaled back on his introduction page. I want to know how this happened.
But mostly I just want to see Cal get utterly fucking torn to shreds.
You consider switching to SCREEN 4, but decide against it. You have a feeling that whatever's there would just confuse you even more, and you don't even really care all that much anyway.
Of course. Let’s keep GG and her myriad secrets enshrouded in mystery.
All four screens activate. Together they display a countdown, starting at four hours and thirteen minutes.
What happens then? Is this like the Sburb time limit? The time until the next meteor hits? The countdown to someone’s death?
You can't! Nothing is working anymore. The timer seems to have disabled the keyboard.
this is fine
Glory.
Anyway this will help you kill some time while you wait for that clock to count down.
I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Anything could happen when that timer hits zero.
Chess confirmed.
You temporarily dismantle CITY HALL to free up all the canpower available to create a vigilant TOWN MILITIA. You divide them into two groups, marking them with distinct teams and ranks using the piece of white CHALK and the MOTOR OIL. You then organize them in phalanx across the countryside, preparing for a stiff training regimen. When you are through with them, your forces will be a well oiled machine. Chalk another one up to bold leadership!
Deepest symbolism.
Is this what it’s like to see someone play a complete game of chess by themselves? Because who needs two people, right?
Tab consumption x4 combo.
I have no idea how things are progressing but if this is symbolic of an actual war that is a lot of casualties from both sides.
Critical hit.
You waste more than four hours on this tomfoolery.
Amazing.
There are no winners in war, only survivors.
Four minutes until The Happening.
You are starting to wonder what will happen when it reaches zero. Maybe it would be best not to be near it when this happens.
You’re probably right.
Though perhaps not as few as implied by circumstance...
Another post-apocalypse perspective? I wonder how deeply traumatised they’re gonna be.
They’re carrying a bunch of mailboxes? Well whatever your coping mechanism is.
Also what is that glowing thing in the sky that is rapidly increasing in velocity? I don’t trust it.
You say a bittersweet goodbye to your beloved city. It is time to move on to greener pastures. By which of course you mean an arid, sandy wasteland upon which nothing green has grown in years.
Cantown will live forever in our memories.
Freedom denied? Is WV stuck in his “home” too?
Against the opposite wall is some sort of CONTROL PANEL which catches your eye.
It has two large screens, but only one appears to be active. There are fields for numbers which appear to be modifiable with the dials to the right. Some numbers are already supplied by default, perhaps entered by the previous user. There are a few buttons below, the largest one bearing the symbol marking this room.
And what does any of this mean?
You immediately craft a MEASURING SPEAR through possibly the most advanced form of alchemy employed thusfar. This is obviously the most important thing to do first.
OBVIOUSLY.
Weapon upgrade: Get.
Or it WOULD obviously be the most important thing to do if you had remembered to bring your TRUSTY KNIFE.
Well shit. Weapon downgrade: Happen.
You feel so insecure without your TRUSTY KNIFE, it makes you want to slit your wrists. Or at the very least, flog your carapace with some sort of measuring apparatus.
Suicidal ideation/bodily harm as self-punishment is often a manifestation of deep-rooted trauma or any form of mental illness that leads you to irrationally and vehemently blame yourself for anything that goes wrong, major or minor. This was probably meant to be an edgy/borderline offensive joke but it’s actually really telling into WV’s state of mind?
He probably has a case of survivor’s guilt like no other.
Poor guy.
You adopt the only obvious course of action which is to poke and prod it with your HANDY RULER. You are quite sure this is what science is all about.
This is why I failed highschool science; I didn’t prod anything with a ruler. I feel enlightened.
You appearify a PUMPKIN.
Some way of transporting objects from anywhere in the world?
And isn’t that GG’s pumpkin?
There is a symbol carved on the PUMPKIN. You don't know what it means, and you doubt it will ever prove to be relevant in any way.
It’s the key to solving every mystery. Calling it.
You try to sneak a nibble from the pumpkin nonetheless.
Why is this image so funny. Why.
You appearify your TRUSTY KNIFE.
Reunited at last. Thank you based appearifier.
You nudge the numbers a bit more and appearify a bunch of cans. This is so much more efficient than walking back to the other room to get them.
You are to believe that time is at a premium, after all.
The gang’s back together after a two minute separation.
Pumpkin carving is a good waste of time.
Needless to say you consume all of it rather quickly. But it turns out to be too gross for us to watch.
Thank you for sparing us from this sight.
It’s free.
You release your blinky new friend. You will give her a name when something suitably whimsical occurs to you.
She’s beautiful and shaped like a friend. Protect her.
You and SERENITY consider new ways to waste more time with the APPEARIFIER. You are assuming she is a girl firefly even though you are not really sure that fireflies can even be girls.
This is a reference to that TV show, isn’t it?
Well I assumed WV is a boy alien even though I’m not really sure aliens can be boys.
Serenity speaks in morse code?
Hold on.
LETS GO!!!
There we go.
Serenity blinks a message of urgency. You nearly forgot that while trapped in amber she was witness to all your tomfoolery and dillydallying in the other room, and knows the timer is about to expire. It is time to get this show on the road and escape.
That would be frustrating if fireflies were capable of complex emotions.
It worked at least.
Well shit. Thirty seconds.
Then again, if John could evade a meteor in that time, you can get out of this place in that time.
Serenity has no time for your shit.
I can’t believe a firefly is the only character not to succumb to useless bullshit. You get a gold star.
Huh. I just realised this is the same song that played at the end of Act 1. Cool.
WV, take the pumpkin and knife and get the fuck out of there.
The taste of freedom--
well shit
psyche x3 combo?
You attempt the rare and highly dangerous 5X CLIFFHANGER COMBO, and fail.
We are doing it, man.
We are making this happen.
Oh boy.
(EOA2 flash liveblog will be in a separate post that will follow almost immediately after this one.)
I feel like the emotional equivalent of “,,,,” but I want to finish act 2 before I head back to school. So let’s go.
Bro. You can’t just psychologically torment your brother into a near-breakdown then drop a meme reference to his own webcomic. Forget layers of irony, this is just layers of fucked-up.
Leave no survivors.
You are now the other guy.
Other Guy is my favourite Homestuck character.
This is so much fun.
A huge waste of time, yes. BUT SO MUCH FUN.
This quote is applicable to so many things. So many.
Also for the record blanket forts are never a waste of time, especially when you’re thirteen and haven’t yet processed that the world has ended.
Man it’s gonna suck when the emotional trauma catches up with them all. But for now, fun video game adventures!!!!
Rose you heartless monster.
You use the card containing the code for the HAMMER, as well as the one with the random code you punched over the SHAVING CREAM card for the hell of it. You carve the respective TOTEMS for the cards.
This is way more convoluted than necessary.
You stow the totems in your ATHENEUM.
This is cool and well-thought out but I don’t think I ever want to understand.
The ALCHEMITER requires one unit of any type of grist to produce one card.
You decide to use SHALE, since it seems less generally useful than BUILD GRIST as of now.
You make a whole bunch of them.
...And everything comes together and I understand. This is a beautiful feeling.
John: :D
You use the TOTEM carved with the random code. You create a...
A ROCKET PACK?
With some random crap stuck inside it. Looks like a CINDERBLOCK, a VIOLIN, and a FLOWER POT. The items have rendered the device completely inoperable.
Hold on. Dave’s room has cinderblocks in it and Rose plays the violin, and GG’s handle is “gardengnostic” so it makes sense that the flowerpot applies to her.
Is John the jetpack? Is this foreshadowing for a freaky four-way endgame fusion? The mysteries continue to pile.
Inventory upgrade!
Free FILO/FIFO switching but no way to stop bullshit item launching?
0/10 Sburb is a broken game.
...and then they fucked. The end.
Oh god let’s not merge things without thinking through the consequences. They were perfectly good individual items and do not deserve to become a probably useless abomination spawned from inane bullshit.
Oh man, looks like Rose made like a million hammers for some reason.
Get all this shit out of the way, you're about to make something sweet!
Pfft.
You got the POGO HAMMER.
You know what I change my mind. Fusion was a good idea.
The face of fear.
TT: That was a really good idea, John. Nice work.
EB: thanks!
John being useful? In my Homestuck? It’s more likely than you think.
You get a vicious rhythmic bouncing combo going and easily slay the imp in one blow.
FATALITY
DOUBLE KILL
TG: rose
TG: awesome
TG: thats all there is to say on the matter
Colossal imp?????
Two of them????
EB: all that scurrying around kind of wore me out, i think i'm going to rest here for a bit.
EB: rose, can you keep the imps at bay? like, drop some stuff on them if they sneak too close.
TT: No, you should pick up your hammer and defend yourself.
EB: what, come on!
TT: I have no idea what the hell Dave is up to, or if he's any closer to recovering the game.
TT: There's some stuff I'd like to try, in case he doesn't come through.
EB: oh alright.
EB: i'm just gonna rest my eyes here a second though.
Relatable things #239 - why do literally anything when sleep is a viable option?
[S] John: Sleep.
Cool. A flash. Feels like forever since I’ve seen one.
sleep tight pupper. (Sorry if the quality’s a little shitty. A friend’s given me youtube links for each flash page number so it’s easier for me to nab screenshots. Don’t worry, they’ve been adamant about hiding all spoilers from me!)
That laptop is so 2009 and I feel a little attacked because I had a laptop that looked exactly like that.
Sburb captcha code: cosmic vaporwave aesthetic. It looks like a hazy purple lizard outline?? And a fingerprint???
I’ll just move on.
The most horrific part of Homestuck.
Also like what kind of shitty battery life does that laptop have?
Thank you for this reaction image.
[S] John: Wake up.
Time for the thrilling conclusion to John’s nap.
Dreaming about seeing your dad’s head as a cloud shape???
...And cake, gushers, and clowns?
GG? That you?
There was like a series of rapid images and I think I saw a pumpkin?
But hey. At least John’s awake now.
EB: i don't think i am actually saving the world here. :(
EB: i dunno what i'm really accomplishing but i guess it's not that.
Pretty sure you’re building Earth 2.0 from the original Earth’s ashes.
GG: just keep listening to your grandmothers advice!!!
EB: yeah, you're probably right.
EB: but, um...
EB: i don't think i mentioned nanna to you, did i?
GG: oh uhhh.......
GG: i dont know didnt you???
Oh right. She’s a psychic or something.
EB: they're really weird when they talk to me about you, like they're always trying convince me you have some spooky powers, but i'm always like no she seems like a pretty regular girl to me!
GG: heheheh :D
That is the emoticon of a liar.
EB: like maybe you know more about a thing than you are telling me? i dunno.
I’m pretty sure I had a theory at one point that GG’s already well into the game and is feigning ignorance for some reason.
GG: im just......
GG: waiting!
EB: waiting for what!
It’s fucking time travel or some other cosmic fuckery isn’t it that arbitrarily restricts her from spilling her vast wisdom.
GG: it turns out i was confused about it...
GG: really confused! o_o;
The most 2009 emoticon I have ever seen. Except I always saw and used the 0_0; variation instead. I’m cringing and feeling nostalgic all at once.
GG: i know what it is now!
GG: and now i know everythings going to be ok!!!
She beat the game already. Calling it.
GG: oh gosh john i really want to tell you all this stuff!!!
GG: but i cant yet
GG: i really think you need to wake up first!
EB: huh?
GG: well ok not literally
GG: well ok maybe KINDA literally!!
Hold the phone. I just had a really unsettling thought.
What if GG’s not relaying future information, but instead what if John et al are reliving the past via some kind of Matrix-esque thing? What if they’re all asleep and reliving Sburb while actually being hooked up somewhere way in the future and GG’s the only one still awake? What if this is all an attempt to get them to wake up?
Jesus. I hope this doesn’t come to pass.
Huh? What's that?
Regular imp is cowering in fear of colossal imp.
This is going to end horribly.
EB: rose, why aren't you dropping something on that thing??
EB: oh no
EB: D:
John’s fucked.
You be the imp and quickly abscond the fuck outta there!!!
Be free my child.
You stop being the imp because that was stupid, and scurry over to your MAGIC CHEST that you suddenly remembered was on the roof. There are some things in here that would be good to stock up on for a major battle.
Okay. John is way too underprepared for a boss fight. Like, he hasn’t actually won a single fight without the assistance of Rose. This is going to be a royal fucking smackdown.
#prayforjohnegbert2k09
*obligatory SNK reference*
He’s so dead.
Nice view of the infinite cloud void.
Dammit, why do imps got to be making off with all your sweet gear??
Good question. Lacking an answer, though.
This is the face of a man who is seeing his own death.
Disc 1 boss battle go?
This is it. You have no choice but to wage a fierce rooftop battle. This is totally going to happen now, and could in no way conceivably be interrupted by a sudden shift in our attention. It's go time. It's time to do this thing.
Which means we aren’t going to see this for another hundred or so pages.
For the love of fuck. I wanted to forget.
You stop being the other guy. You're not even sure what that meant anyway.
Back to Dave in child-abuse puppet hell.
[S] Dave: Ascend to the highest point of the building.
And it’s flash time. Again.
This is still a really fucking bad idea.
Your determination is misplaced, Dave.
he’s beauty he’s grace
That’s an Actual Fucking Lethal Weapon.
This is so fucked up.
The immortal soulless gaze of the devil.
This music’s pretty fucking cool though.
The sun is symbolic for... something.
Also this hammers home that we are seeing a child willing to engage in deadly combat with his adult relative. This shit is just not okay. John and Rose were obvious preteen behaviour taken up to eleven, but this is a different flavour of uncomfortable.
The meteor apocalypse continues to be an occurring event.
Oh god. He’s weaponising the puppet that Dave is probably actually psychologically traumatised by.
Wait up. Wasn’t there a puppet strife option way back at the start?
This is not how I wanted to see it played out. Not at all.
The fuck?
It’s GG! After 600 pages! Finally!
Is x2 double _ combo going to become a thing? Because I think it’s becoming a Thing.
Damn these things are hard to read. But then, you've never really found any reason to decipher them.
Until now, perhaps?
I am ashamed. I only just now realised. “Captcha” logue. In an unshocking turn of events, all robots are incapable of using a Sylladex. I hope this fact somehow becomes relevant in the worst way possible.
Looks like cards from your STRIFE DECK have codes too.
Everything has a code. Do the kids have codes? Do their pesterlogs have codes? Are they codes??
The red light switches off. A green light begins blinking.
Okay so the machine takes codes, but what does it do with them?
Also I’m noticing there’s a sneaky underlying theme of colour duality scattered here and there. I’m not sure if it means anything, but I’m commenting on it anyway.
????
I’m having the suspicion that this is actually even more bullshit than the debut of the Sylladex.
But maybe all is not lost. Recalling from your experience with the PRE-PUNCHED CARD, you may be able to use the cards to replicate the items in question.
Oh, so it’s like a kind of storage/duplication system? You can produce another copy but at the expense of losing the original because apparently having two of the same thing is too much power for one kid to have.
John: Mash keys heedlessly.
~The writing process~
You enter "dskjhsdk". The DESIGNIX stops you after eight characters, which appears to be the maximum length for a code. The green light goes on, signaling its readiness for a card.
If this makes something I’m going to lose my shit.
You're a little sad that your DAD isn't around for this. You have a feeling he would get a real kick out of the idea of duplicating more SHAVING CREAM.
Oh god yeah, Dad’s still MIA.
Mad science is a lot of fun.
But maybe not at the expense of a world-ending video game. These kids all have a problem with inane shenanigans.
Unfortunately, you just burned another card in the process. Your deck is really dwindling now. Maybe you should have thought this through a little better.
The death of the Sylladex. Its sacrifice was for a just cause. Perhaps John can start to hold things like a normal human.
Oh?
Holy fuck.
FATALITY
TG: PUPPETS
TG: AWESOME
TG: THATS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER
Holy shit. John just missed his best friend’s apparent breakdown.
TT: John, I'm about to throw a bath tub through your wall.
TT: Watch out.
I forgot how much this webcomic makes me laugh. And people said the first few acts were dull and uninteresting??
EB: you mean these stairs?
EB: man, look at these shitty stairs...
EB: they're so narrow! i'm supposed to climb those?
They’re beautiful stairs. Artistic integrity means little in this kill-or-be-killed world.
TT: They're perfectly navigable.
TT: I'm saving on grist for now.
Also you’re broke as shit so they’ll have to suffice. God John is so rude.
TT: If you keep slaying foes, collecting grist, and expanding the cache limit, we may not need to be so economical with our resources in the future.
Rose “I’m not throwing shade but” Lalonde.
Another “retcon” image? Wonder what’s changed.
But hey. There’s the spirograph.
TT: Are you saying you've never wondered what's in there? Or why it's been kept a secret from you?
EB: well, i mean yeah...
TT: Then trust me. You won't be going "right on through."
Oh yeah. I think ambient static from the void is worrying enough, or concealing something worrying.
Who would have thought I’d feel actual suspense over a kid entering his dad’s bedroom.
EB: i think i can handle a few more stupid clown paintings.
There’s something evil in there isn’t there. Or something stupid like the truth that Dad actually uses Betty Crocker products in all his food.
((Note: this is not part of the liveblog but I just scrolled down a little too far and saw a newspost with an image that is very disconcerting. I’m electing to forget I ever saw it.))
You check out the busted SAFE, which has made a noble sacrifice in battle. Some of your father's odds and ends have spilled out, including some old NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS, and two rather hefty TOMES. It's a fair bet that these books comprised at least half the weight of the safe.
Why is that book of all things the family heirloom.
It's another copy of COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY. This one looks really old, perhaps an original printing. Could it be the same one involved with your grandmother's unfortunate accident on that fateful day? DAD would never speak a word about it, but maybe NANNA wouldn't be so tight-lipped?
There’s something to be said when an enigmatic undead clown-ghost version of your grandmother is the more reliable source of information.
Everything in this safe was obviously very important to your father. You wonder why he kept it locked away from you?
Some things about him you will never understand.
I want this book to be the most important thing somehow. Or for Dad just to turn out to be a really weird man.
It seems he has been collecting scraps from the news over the years. These articles go back decades.
Wait. So there was another meteor event on April 13 sometime in the nineties? A failed attempt at launching the game? A developer’s version mishap?
“Crocker facility leveled”. At least there’s one good thing from all this.
Oh my god.
You guess this is the combination to the safe.
This is completely useless.
There has to be a greater meaning to these numbers.
You guess these are all zeros? Or are they capital O's? Zeros would probably make more sense for an empty card, you think.
No. They’re O’s. This card is haunted by a ghost.
Goodbye That Thing.
TT: If you first took note of the code, then removed the card from the card, you could have punched the blank one.
TT: You would have only burned one card instead of two.
Good to know. (I’m not lost at all here.)
Goodbye hat.
Hell yes.
The two card sylladex: inventory of dumbasses.
The Sylladex in general, you mean.
We continue to climb the arbitrary ladder of levels.
Colonel Sassacre: Level up for slaying the imp.
The Colonel soars to new heights on his ECHELADDER, reaching the rung: ONE MAN JULEP VACUUM, and pockets 9550 BOONDOLLARS.
Chump change for the genteel, aristocratic southern colonel.
Oh dear god.
The BATHTUB surges heroically and surpasses the rung: ARCHIMEDES' AQUACRADLE, proceeding directly to vaunted rung: TAFT-JAMMER. The tub makes off with a cool 490 BOONDOLLARS.
The tub's BASIN CAPACITY remains unaffected.
Why does this keep happening.
The SAFE was slain in battle. A great flaming nautical pyre carries it off to VAULTHALLA.
I’m done.
Lousy goddamn stupid stairs!
You were warned about them! Did you not read Dave’s webcomic?
Holy shit what is that
Dave: Ignore Lil Cal and find the beta.
This is sound advice to follow for the rest of this webcomic
Oh hey--wait
wait
is that a fucking jigsaw puppet
this
this is why i was accused of being a fake liveblogger all those months ago
this was the saw reference i unwittingly alluded to
i cannot fucking be l i e v e
oh fuck now the even more demonic puppet’s back
i am royally losing my shit over here
what the fuck is happening
no wonder you guys thought i’d already read the webcomic because there is no removing this from your mind. what the fuck.
this is what catharsis feels like
This is obviously another ploy in his relentless siege of one-upsmanship to get your goat (the same goat you've been meaning to bleat like ironically, but that will still have to wait for a more appropriate time).
I think this is psychological torture and not irony, Dave.
How is this a functional living space. How the fuck.
What the fuck. (another red-green reference, though.)
This is fucking horrifying. The bullshit gorefests of the original Saw movies were much less nightmare-inducing.
It seems you may have just been an unwitting accessory to some sort of grisly puppet snuff film. You're not totally sure how you feel about that.
The emotion you are looking for is getting the fuck out of there.
Decapitate Cal next.
how is any of this practical or conducive to human survival.
Hey! Careful where you're putting stuff, especially if you're looking to turn your sylladex into a powder-keg full of sharp things.
You know, blowing the place up might not be a bad idea, all things considered.
First you captchalogue the BOX (5) again, while adeptly avoiding the SHURIKEN trap, which you yourself set only moments ago.
More Sylladex fuckery. Wow.
Oh hell no. Not after all that trouble you went through to get that stuff situated.
When will anyone learn that these things are bad ideas.
I actually am feeling my mental functions shut down just looking at this place.
You think if you see one more soft, bulbous bottom being like
kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever
you're gonna fly off the handle.
No wonder the kid has a breakdown.
Kill them all. Leave no survivors.
Besides, it's not like your BRO is around to see.
what the fuck was that blur.
I actually just yelped. This entire situation is beyond fucked-up and is rapidly veering into traumatising.
Oh, it was just Lil' Cal again. You can never stay mad at him.
Please just kill the puppet and end your suffering.
why
If you want to keep any food or beverages in this apartment, you've pretty much got no choice but to hide stuff away in your closet.
That’s.... actually really messed up. Like beyond the humour of puppet hell, Dave is living a really fucked-up life.
Like, the fact that Bro’s behind all this and using the devilpuppet to screw with Dave to this extent is unsettling.
Instead you take the...
WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER (4).
That's really a much better name for it anyway, you think.
Petition for a global rebranding of everything where we end up with names like that. The future is now.
Rip in fucking pasta.
Oh Jesus why.
You notice something in the reflection. Something above you.
Oh fuck no
You just know he's being ironic with these weird mind games. There's no way anyone could be serious about aping those shitty movies.
fucking Christ
This is a bad idea.
Good lord.
TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong
And this is the context. We’ve come full circle. Incredible.
I heard that Homestuck’s actually ending in a few days and I want to get up at least one more liveblog post before the end. It kinda sucks that I couldn’t cross the finish line with you guys but that’s life.
I’m not sure how long this post will be; I’m going to read until I run out of energy to do any more. I’ll tentatively say that I might try to get a couple of posts up here and there and maybe, maybe return full-time in summer since I finish school then and that’s been a major reason behind several of the issues plaguing this blog and I should be more relaxed and less shitty then.
Anyway.
> Digression: End.
> Aron: Liveblog.
> ==>
Back to Rose’s GameFAQ. Screenshot edition.
Hey now. Clownsprite’s pretty useful. Namely its horrific visage is numbing John to any potential horrors he may encounter in the future.
Did I comment on this? I think I might have but can’t remember. Anyway, yeah. The game ends the word but you get free power and wifi. Thanks, Skaia Obama (I had to check this impromptu glossary of terms I made for myself back when Nanna had the exposition dump to make that joke.).
Who’s there to hack? Dave? Imps? WV? Nanna?
I think the internet’s pretty safe in the void.
Rose continues to be a national treasure.
Yeah I don’t think there’s some magical “Capricious” status condition or whatever. That’s just John being John.
What a succinct summary of this webcomic.
What are you talking about? All dads have ambient sharpened glitch clouds for bedrooms.
TT: Ladders seem to be a bit cheaper than stairs.
I am glad Sims logic still applies here.
It is unfortunate.
I guess.
What are we talking about again?
I’m glad John is oblivious about all these minor details or I’d feel bad for forgetting about 90% of what I’ve read.
oh, but thank you
Ok.
Oh wait I remember now. WV consumed an entire book on human etiquette and also hit/unhit the caps lock button.
And... is he communicating with the narrative?
Oh my god.
Wait, where did all this sweet loot come from?
And why is there suddenly a crumpled hat on your head?
Finally John returns to reality.
Feeling especially economical with your behavior suddenly, you scoop up all the grist in the room, and turn your attention to the PUNCH DESIGNIX all in one fell swoop.
The device features a counter-top station design with a KEYBOARD SETUP, not unlike an old fashioned computer. There is a blinking red light, and a DIAGRAM etched into a panel.
This thing. It’s a thing. That exists. And I don’t think we know what it does yet?
captchalogue -> typing on the back of it -> insert card?
Hey Rose.
TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you
TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass
I’m in for something good.
TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong
TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it.
oh my fuck. This is like the second time Rose has implied Dave has latent Gay Feelings. I don’t think coming to a sexuality realisation should happen in this situation. I don’t think this situation should be happening at all
TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face
put this on my grave
TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it.
TT: Also, coarse is a good word.
Rose you are not helping.
God these kids can be such thirteen-year-olds at times.
TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home
TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam.
TG: no oh jesus
TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse
TT: A painted pair of parted lips
TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air
TT: That teases tufts of orange hair.
TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits,
TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit.
When will Shakespeare ever.
TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.
(not a liveblog post) - indefinite-but-will-end-one-day hiatus
Fuck I let the blog die.
I’m sorry.
We get kinda personal under the cut. Discussions of mental health and brief mentions of how it’s affected me below. If that kinda thing isn’t concordant with you being chill and okay, feel free to stop reading now. It’s fine.
Hi, I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses, but here’s an excuse for why I guess.
So turns out that I have depression. Like actually, sincerely 100% that is a thing that is happening in my brain. I ignored it for months because whoop, apparently it manifests in ways other than a constant state of melancholy and unwillingness to live. Really, it’s been more like a laziness that grew until the point where doing anything but the basic prerequisites to survive was just too much effort; I can safely say between the last post and today, this blog hasn’t even featured in my mind as more than a monumental task that I’m unable to do without fucking up horribly. Even after deciding that you guys (I’m almost at 100 followers. That’s pretty awesome that so many people are still here even after the process of liveblogging spluttered to a stop.) deserve an explanation as to why I have been the world’s shittiest liveblogger over a period of far too many months.
I’ve been receiving professional treatment for around a month now (this is a rough estimate. time still kinda feels like everything’s been blended into a vague haze where nothing matters) so don’t worry, I am in fact getting my shit together. Unfortunately the priority hierarchy goes as follows: being anything other than a creature that sleeps all day and eats sometimes, salvaging the trainwreck that is my education, trying to re-establish literally every human relationship I have neglected under the guise that nothing concerning me matters (ooh how that is a mindset that needs to be annihilated), and then peripheral activities, which does unfortunately include this blog.
I do want to make this liveblog hapen (this shitty pun has never been more apt) since I have enjoyed what I have read so far and the engagement with you all latching onto my reactions like vicarious vampires has been fun in its strange way. But it’ll have to wait until my brain stops being a piece of shit diva and I clean up the mess it made all over my life. I’m not even going to try and offer an estimated return date, other than a promise that it will happen. When it does, though, you’ll know.
Tl;dr - my lazy nature evolved into a disgusting monster that absorbed my life and this blog is on hiatus until I fix the hot mess that is my existence. See you then.
(I apologise if something doesn’t make sense. It’s one in the morning here and I haven’t been this awake and active in months. Hopefully you get the gist and understand. I cannot apologise enough for having to do this.)
Local shitty liveblogger needs to get a schedule just to read a fucking webcomic. More at eight.
Okay wow does building take up a lot of grist. Nearly half their funds for a staircase? Maybe I was right about this being The Sims 5.
EB: oh man...
EB: i could have warned you about stairs, rose!
Memeing in the face of the apocalypse. Only thirteen-year-olds.
This reminds me all too much of how I would delete half the house just to kill an entire Sims family. It’s incredible to see it weaponised.
Rose Lalonde, The Only Sane One (TM) is laughing at a meme spawned by a shitty webcomic made by one of her friends. I love this webcomic so much.
TT: I'll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier.
EB: IT KEEPS HAPENING
TT: Ah, good. Looks like I can get a refund for earlier allocations.
EB: i told you rose
EB: i TOLD you about stairs!
Jesus John there are more important things but you see fit to carry out the meme. The way Rose just basically ignores it is perfect.
TT: Consider me fully briefed on the matter of stairs.
TT: Now if you don't mind, it's hard enough to concentrate on this without immersing ourselves in Strider's non sequitur.
The most eloquent “shut the fuck up” I’ve seen in a long time. And honestly thinking about how meta this entire meme is gives me a headache.
To clarify, John and Rose are laughing over a meme generated by a webcomic written by a friend in-universe. Said webcomic actually exists in reality and is in fact a precursor to Homestuck, and in turn phrases and references from this ironically shitty webcomic have evolved into memes in reality as well.
I can’t tell if this is a total clusterfuck or a stroke of brilliance. Probably both.
EB: did you know he thinks puppets are cool?
TT: Does he?
John I don’t think you can get further from the truth if you tried.
Jesus this bathroom has turned to hell.
Dads love shaving. It's basically all they do. (When they're not baking, that is.)
i fucking knew it
There goes more questionably important shit.
You never know when you'll need to bust out a hilarious SHAVING CREAM SANTA BEARD to ratchet up your PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT.
Please let me see this shitty plan come to fruition.
Just fucking place everything in your inventory. When will you learn that the Sylladex wiil never bring anything but death and suffering.
Hold on. Is that the towel that John stole from the bathroom like a thousand pages back being ejected back into its bathroom of origin.
Incredible. We have come full circle.
The circle of stupidity is complete.
I am astounded.
That’s a lot of cookies. Like damn, I guess being a ghostly clown grandmother grants you these powers.
OHHHHHH! OHHHHHHH!
SAVAGE, NANNA
FUCKING SAVAGE!!!!
This is so fucking ridiculous. Some kind of darkness monster is wearing a pointy hat whilst brandishing a clown bust as a weapon and John Egbert is growling in response whilst a second monster vibrates with wild abandon.
I cannot fucking believe.
It looks like the imps have taken a shining to the CRUXTRUDER.
Cruxite and black goo. Everywhere.
They’re all over the fucking place. This is bullshit beyond bullshit.
Things do not stop from getting stupider.
Well ok, it's not a Slimer pogo, but you mount it anyway and brandish your deadly armaments.
The circle of stupidity starts anew.
With resounding success????
Wreck their shit, John.
Wreck. Their. Shit.
John: Flip the fuck out.
The implication here is that John’s fuck at this point has been thoroughly unflipped.
Let's see how they like the old doublebarrel latherblaster WHOOPS OH SHIT.
Oh for the love of god things are going to get stupider aren’t they.
wow
Oh my fucking god I forget how wonderful it is when john flips his shit.
DON'T MOVE OR THE POGO GETS IT
Even in the midst of some kind of rage-splosion, John can make shitty movie references. I need to constantly remind myself that these kids are thirteen and this is probably a thing actual thirteen-year-olds would do??
now sir boy, flee from this boorish rabble post haste.
WV’s commands are still great. The only reason I march through the madhouse.
Stealthy flash pages. Gotta love it when I try to save the .gif and it doesn’t work and I get confused.
Get dunked on.
The hero this webcomic needs.
The REFRIGERATOR skyrockets up the ECHELADDER to a new rung: FIVESTAR GENERAL ELECTRIC and earns 285 BOONDOLLARS.
Things are really looking up for this feisty appliance.
Now comes the great reveal that John has just been the decoy protagonist. It is the refrigerator. It has always been the refrigerator.
well done, john. polite congratulations.
Okay, but that’s such a cute command?? isn’t it terrible when the two moods this webcomic produces are adorable and batshit insane???
Every time John smiles an angel gets its wings.
For some reason you feel a sense of positive reinforcement. Wherever that feeling is coming from, it sure is a welcome change from your erratic moods earlier.
At least he’s self-aware enough to realise how utterly crazy this all is.
I feel like if you cropped this image to just John smiling with the question mark over his head it would be a pretty good representation of Homestuck as a whole.
TT: You trapped your PDA again, didn't you.
TT: Why did you have to pick up all that stupid shaving cream?
TT: So pointless.
Honestly Rose has the patience of a saint for being able to handle all John’s inane bullshit. If she does not end up revered as a holy figure by countless people by the end of this webcomic it will be a grave injustice.
Wrekt.
But hey look. Another Sylladex card and a second copy of Sassacre’s?
john might i bother you for a can opener?
Goodness. I wonder what John would do if he realised his subconscious was being hijacked by an alien’s(?) demands.
Probably flip the fuck out again. This seems to be a recurring theme throughout this Act.
Oblivious to the commotion behind you, suddenly you find yourself pondering the whereabouts of a CAN OPENER.
I mean, it has to be better than freaking out over the imps, right?
Hey what the heck this page is marked retcon and there’s now an arm coming out of that freaky-ass painting?????????????
???????????
Years in the future...
Anyway. Let’s ignore that thing and return to everyone’s favourite command-issuing creature.
The etiquette book would explain the infinitely more polite tone.
But let's not get totally carried away here.
Of course not.
Um???? this is not the way to understand etiquette what are you doing
oh my god stop. stop right now.
it keeps happening. oh my god it keeps happening. wv why.
Here we go. I’m terrible for being so inconsistent, but I vow to get this thing done.
Anyway this was supposed to be a massive post but time constraints got in the way so that should explain the abrupt ending to this post. (Good news: I have about ten pages already read for the next post. They’re saved in a draft and ready for when I next liveblog which should be some point within the next couple weeks. I hope.)
Oh my god, yeah. We’re dropped straight into puppet porn hell.
Dave is thirteen fucking years old; I’m pretty sure this is child abuse to some calibre.
But my God... the rumps. They are transfixing.
dave no for the love of something please just closE THIS WEBSITE
You know this is ironic and all, and your BRO reaches echelons of irony you could only dream of daring to fathom. But on rare occasions, when your guard is down, it all seems just a tad unsettling to you.
dave this is not irony this is a straight up horrific fetish there is nothing good here.
where the fuck did cal come from. what the fuck
oh jesus christ this is hell right here manifested in a (questionably) lifeless puppet. this thing is fucking possessed by a demon or something you can’t tell me otherwise
Hey there, Cal.
THE APPROPRIATE ANSWER IS NOT TO ENGAGE WITH IT BUT RATHER TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE BEFORE IT EVISCERATES YOU OR SOMETHING
Dave: Give Lil Cal a nervous fist bump.
or we could go with a pleasant > Dave: flee from the puppet before it can smell your fear. That is equally an option worth considering!
Lifehack: if something horrifies you to the point of trembling, you get the fuck away from said thing.
Oh my god he is literally fucking surrounded by puppets holy fuck this is hell. i am literally viewing hell through the eyes of a thirteen year old who is about to suffer trauma like no other. this is fucked up. this is so fucked up.
You are sort of starting to flip the fuck out.
WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO HE
Without losing your cool of course.
now would be an entirely appropriate time to lose your cool, dave strider.
Dave: Pester John to ease your nerves.
All right, I can understand. Like at this point John’s fucked-up life must seem therapeutic in comparison. Hell, even Rose lives a peachy existence in comparison.
Once again I am horrified at what GG will provide when we come to her.
not inside the hellroom get out of there dave there is nothing but suffering in here
But he's not answering. You wonder what that guy is up to.
Last I checked he was throwing a hissy fit over his Nanna baking up some Betty Crocker cookies or something.
Or he’s literally just standing there. Not answering. Okay that’s fine too.
And is that a bucket on the door again??
I’m confused?
Oh wait. Dave’s thing is taking place in the past so of course there’s this weird sense of deja vu.
TG: things are cool here
TG: totally cool
TG: puppets are still awesome
TG: no problems with them or anything
Dave Strider I can taste your deceit from another dimension. There are very much problems with them or anything.
A 2009 smartphone. Wow; haven’t seen something like this in a while. (Also it’s still a better phone than mine. At least Bro’s puppet porn revenue is good for something.)
Now let’s witness a discussion between the two contenders for ‘most fucked-up home life’.
...
Hang on, I swear this conversation happened already. Yeah. I’m looking back on my liveblog posts and this conversation has definitely been liveblogged.
Although now at least we get context for the thing. Although, now upon knowing what exactly Dave is freaking out over, this line becomes a lot more horrifying.
TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out
This puppet is going to kill him. And possibly everything he holds dear.
Seconds in the future, but not many...
This is giving me a headache. Plus it’s been so long that I can’t remember what’s happened yet and what hasn’t.
Yeah okay this happened already. John got pissed at the cursor and the cookies.
Rose: Deploy the Punch Designix.
This line seems new. I hope.
And the piano is replaced with some kind of machine?? Another Sburb mechanic I guess.
TT: When you're finished with your weird histrionics, maybe you could give it a try?
It took all of three lines to confirm that Rose Lalonde is still my fave.
Oh my fucking god there are more. And they’re basically taking John’s shit and... making rapid gestures???
This is the face of someone who is pissed as fuck.
TT: Also, I should probably warn you that your house and yard are completely infested with monsters now. Try to be careful.
This is predictably going to end horribly.
At least John’s functioning again. That’s good.
EB: i'm not sure what came over me there, i was acting really crazy for some reason.
Pretty sure it’s something to do with thoughts of Betty Crocker and an alien from the future screaming in your head.
You are getting way better at this sort of thing.
Thank fuck. The Sylladex bullshit is finally over. I shed a single tear of elation.
oh my fucking god john please chill out
You examine the POGO RIDE from the bathroom window. You do not like what you see.
Oh boy.
Okay??
This is some kind of game??
um??? but this music is so good???
i’m so confused???
Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps.
Please do so.
But not at the expense of the piano oh no
the abject horror oh my god
EB: rose my piano!!!
EB: :C
Oh my god rose, you made him sad. You are one heartless creature.
TT: I was hoping to bludgeon the imp without letting go of it. Guess I can't really do that.
Well, that’s reassuring.
EB: well it may sound dumb, but i was hoping to avoid nanna and her spooky ghost cookies.
TT: You're right, that does sound dumb.
Tell it like it is, Rose.
Well, that’s one way of doing it.
That actually worked? Nothing went wrong???
I’m not holding my breath, though.
Success?
TT: There you go.
It went off without any errors?
This is truly the greatest plot twist in this webcomic.
Piano: Level up for slaying the imp.
My hopes have been risen...
...And promptly crushed.
The piano in its valiant effort has unfortunately been slain.
[hide my head i wanna drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow]
Because this is a sideblog and I don’t want to hit post limit on my main.
Upon closer inspection, it turns out I missed that and I might actually be blind.
When will the floating ash-hag leave me in peace
all i wanted was some straightforward answers
This just in: local liveblogger is the most pun-blind creature to exist. The public seppuku commences at sundown. Shame lingers in the air like a rotting corpse.
This cat is basically the catalyst for everything at this point; if he hadn’t died, then Rose wouldn’t have had an interest in Sburb. John wouldn’t have had a second player, and there wouldn’t be a meteorological shitstorm pummelling the Earth.
The climax of this webcomic will involve time travel and preventing that cat’s demise. Calling it.
Okay here we go because I’m a terrible person who all but forgets about this blog when school’s happening. (Not that I’m uninterested or anything, but I don’t want to be stressed out when reading. Plus, I’ve kind of established a brand of long posts so that’s how things are going!
You captchalogue your KATANA (2+1+2+1+2+1 = 9%10 = 9) and prepare to venture out into the apartment to retrieve your BRO's copy of the game.
His Sylladex is still incredibly confusing and it’s also confirmed we’re getting a Strider [s] Strife!!! in the near future. I await this with a mixture of anticipation and terror.
Fuck I shouldn’t have laughed but here we are.
...And then we launch into meteor hell. Jesus. They’re dripping down like rain.
You don't even know what's up with this sick heat. The sun threatens to set but won't step off. It's staring you down, like the big red eye of a hot needle skipping on a groove its tracing 'round the earth. While lingering in midair its heat seems to suspend time itself, stretching it like warped vinyl. It's meant to rain this season but there ain't been a drop in sight. Even a little drizzle would help. Might help to fizzle this sizzle a little bizzle, set the record straight on this global turn-tizzle.
I understood approximately 20% of that sentence. It reads like a shitty rap verse though? Like okay then?
"So don't change the dizzle, turn it up a little
I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles
Waiting on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Shizzle
G's to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo
When the pimp's in the crib ma
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot..."
Oh my fucking god did he literally just paste that. here i am reading what has been sold to me as one of the greatest creations on the internet and i’m literally staring at shitty snoop dogg lyrics. fucking amazing.
-English Romantic poet, John Keats
Honestly I’d take Snoop over Keats any day. I have no time for crusty old poetry.
Huh. There’s another frame to this flash.
This image of Dave makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
ＤＩＳＭＡＮＴＬＥ ＴＨＥ ＰＵＰＰＥＴＳ
You figure you've left him hanging long enough.
Did we seriously get a reference to a phrase that happened literally a handful of pages ago???????? Is this even legal in the rules of storytelling??
what the unholy fuck.
A friendly face.
Burn it. fucking burn it.
So there’s a weird pastel puppet with an elephant trunk behind a chest? Why do I feel like this is more disturbing than I know?
At night he crashes on the FUTON over there.
Bro confirmed for fucking weeb? Dave lives with weaboos and puppets?
There's the PUPPET CHEST he stores LIL' CAL in when he takes him out on gigs. But when he's home he usually leaves CAL on display somewhere. And with good reason cause CAL is totally sweet.
I’m not trusting Cal. There has to be a fucking good reason why it needs to be contained in a secure location. There is no way there is a puppet in this apartment that isn’t fucked up.
Dave: Pity da fool.
dave stop
There is so much in this image and everything is fucking disturbing.
Is that a puppet ass. Am I actually getting an eyeful of puppet ass. What the fuck.
This is like ten levels of irony removed from the original joke.
Yeah we’ve transcended sick ironic humour and have fallen straight into helltown usa let’s get the fuck out of here right now.
It's cool taking stuff that other people think is funny but you know really isn't, and making it funny again by adding subtle strata of irony which are utterly undetectable to the untrained eye.
On second thought this is literally just shitty humour. The type of shitty humour that can only be generated by a teenage boy who lives with his older brother.
Also, for good measure, Mr. T is wearing a LEATHER THONG and handcuffed to a pantsless CHUCK NORRIS PUPPET.
That’s... that’s just fucking disturbing.
What are these weird puppets and why are there so many of them.
CAL's nowhere in sight.
Good. But also get the fuck out of here.
Sort of...
Yeah when Dave’s finding it fucked-up you know a line’s been crossed.
Bro’s MLG as well? This is like borderline abuse I’m certain???
Also i see those pixellations around that image. what the fuck what the actual fuck. and a wizard puppet. why is there a wizard puppet. is this like some belated (or early) birthday gift to rose or something. what kind of nightmare is this house.
Not like him to misplace CAL either... man you hope the little guy's alright.
Okay Cal is something I do not want to see. It’s like Bro’s prized puppet or something isn’t it. Like it’s the harlequin doll of the Strider household.
In that case can it be destroyed via maiming and merging with a dead relative. Like are we going to see some fucked-up fusion of Cal and something else. It’s gonna be with one of the dead animals in Dave’s room and it’s going to be a fucking nightmare.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHERE DID IT COME FROM
THAT’S FUCKING HORRIFYING WHAT THE FUCK KILL IT KILL IT NOW
HOW DID IT GET THERE JESUS CHRIST IT’S LIKE FUCKING DEMON CHUCKIE OR SOMETHING
Cal is the man.
NO. CAL IS NOT THE MAN. CAL IS A FUCKING DEMONIC ABOMINATION SENT FORTH FROM THE VOID TO INDUCE NIGHTMARES INTO THE CORE OF YOUR SOUL.
*airhorn sounds*
But you get stuck in some poorly modeled 3D fixture or something. Like a railing or a piece of the wall? You'll have to reset.
There is no such thing as a well-made skating game. There never has been and there never will be. Every game with a skateboarding feature is automatically shitty by default.
Dave: Give Lil' Cal a bro fistbump.
YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING
OH JESUS IT’S BIGGER THAN HIM WHAT THE FUCK
Gotta give the C-man some props.
GIVE THE C-MAN SOME EXORCISM IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO
fuck how big is it. how fucking big is it.
wait. what if there’s no bro. what if there’s only cal.
dave strider get the fuck out of there. fuck sburb. let the cleansing flames of armageddon free the planet from this cursed demon.
How the fuck is Dave not traumatised from this shit. Puppets are the fucking devil’s spawn how is he still functioning. No child should be subjected to this horror.
Since he's not around you might as well sneak a peep.
This has got to be the most terrible decision in the webcomic, trumping John shitting on his desk by a landslide.
Dave, this is a sign from the gods for you to walk away unharmed. I deplore you to step the fuck away from this machine.
Of course you know what the password is, and he knows you know it, and you're both cool with that because the password is the most awesome thing it can be.
It has something to do with Cal doesn’t it.
Six characters? It’s fucking lilcal or some variation.
Unmarked new folders? It’s fucking porn isn’t it.
No one can decipher his organization system but him.
Let’s keep it that way, yeah?
Oh my god it’s that one Tumblr theme everyone used back in 2012.
Dave: Check if Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff has a sweet update.
why,,, would you check for an update,, on a comic,, you make/?,,???
Oh god why does Bro have it bookmarked. It feels like he’s tainting it somehow.
Your BRO keeps up with your projects in his aggregator, just like you keep up with his. He's tuned into your various blogs, and of course SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.
Does this count as family bonding?
This shit doesn’t get any easier to understand on a reread. Like this has got to be a retroactive analogy for Homestuck there’s no other way around it.
oh
oh my god
oh my fucking god
it’s puppet porn. jesus fucking christ it’s puppet porn. what the fuck what the actual everloving fuck. destroy this. fucking destroy this.
oh my god it says live video is bro doing this right as we speak oh jesus fucking christ
there’s a live chat. ther’es a fuckgin live chat. on a puppet porn site.
live cchat on puppet po rn
dave shiled you r eyes mys weet summer child looka wayw look aWAY BEFORE THEES IMABGES ARE SERARED ONTO YOURO RETINAS
