The Secret Council

Things I notice about life, people, and me. Plus stuff that people shouldn't know I say about them

[thesecretcouncil]

I want to open this up again to figure out what I want to do.

A lot of things come to mind recently, but I wonder a lot about if I should go back to school to try to study or do what I want. I.e. to pursue my dream job. I currently am in an okay job, but I don’t feel it is my dream job or what I really really like. I would like to pivot. I’ve thought of things like going into more modern stuff like AI or autonomous driving, or the future of transportation i.e. big data.

I just feel like I get what’s going on, and I can do my job, I just don’t like what it is that I am doing all the time. I can do it well, but I think it’s time to pivot, and that I do have what it takes to get to my dream job, and I have demonstrated it to myself, but I feel like I can do a lot better.

Notes to self, I should ask my friend about what it was like through his MBA. 

either that or go back to school. i.e. M.Eng, MBA, PMP, 

should I go back to school, is it worth it. 

[thesecretcouncil]

Why is it that a person in a position such as me, a knowledgeable person in a respectable field supposivedly making good/decent money can still be in a situation where I feel borderline impoverished. And that is only something that has slowly been hitting me recently. As an engineer, and as one that does fairly well, I still struggle to make ends meet. My dad is injured and isn’t currently working, my mom and my sister are upset with current living situations in our complex with the strata and want to move out. 

In order for us to move out, I have to be the one to pay the mortgage.

But my future wife is never going to want to live with my parents.

But there’s no way for me to move out to get a place and buy a place for my parents and my sister - there isn’t enough money to do that and especially not enough to buy something comparable. 

So i’m stuck. In order for me to fulfill the wishes and the desires for my family, I have to move out with them and foot the mortgage. But my future wife is never going to move into a household to live with the inlaws, plus not ever being able to invite friends over and have them crash where they want is a huge disadvantage. 

But even if I did want to move away in a few years.... there just isn’t the money to buy two places, and my mom is saying that I would leave them homeless.... well not exactly, but in the real estate market of Vancouver, that’s essentially what it is. 

Being a person in my late 20′s, with a 75k salary job, trying to pay through my family for the next 30 years is incredibly daunting thing to think about. I’d be paying a mortgage for the life of me that I have lived. That is daunting, and a reality I don’t really want to accept.

So it really feels like I’m stuck being me, my family, or my significant other.

Ideally, my sister would find work and be able to pay for this, but 90%, the reality is not going to be like that and her position will not be another one of those runaway lucrative type of jobs either.

I work really hard at work to the point that I’m burning out and losing my own sanity, but I never imagined that as someone who did well in high school, did exceptional in university, would still be in a situation where I can’t find a proper way to add up the equation. 

Part of it is the burden of privilege, or lack there of it. I mean, I’m fortunate that I”m not at the far end of the straw, and I like that better for the upbringing that I was raised in where I do have a strong and early appreciation for the value of money. But I am in the bottom half when it comes to my family’s given wealth. There honestly isn’t much when it comes to the accounts that my family has either.

It’s tough..... 

I mean, I always thought that people in my field who lived paycheque to paycheque were in a lifestyle choice, 

but it hits me harder now that it’s not even that, it’s just circumstance and privilege. I thought finding a job like mine would make me feel comfortable in life. I mean, 

Fuck 

I don’t even have the opportunity/time/money to even go back to get a masters that I wanted.

But all I see is disparity every where I go.

I see sadness

and for a person whose emotions don’t usually rise up, 

this is hard

because we’re supposed to be seen as strong

that these things don’t bother us. 

but it does

and it’s hard

and for the first time in a long while

I don’t know what to do.

I control the balance of power, as I would pay the mortgage, but I can’t abandon my family right now, but I also don’t want to give up m future wife.

But these are the problems of life...

And this is a blog, that no one reads, so I can rant about these things and get them out.

And maybe one day, share them with my SO should I feel it pertinent

[thesecretcouncil]

It seems I need to open up a blog again not that I want to but just to keep my ideas out here. Before I’m ready to say.

At one point, these ideas will come to you, but I am just not ready to say them for the time being.

I’m not mad nor upset of what you’re saying because what you’re saying is what I feel internally too, but it is very difficult to balance between family needs/desires and my future needs and desires with you. 

On one hand, I cannot forsake my family. And on the other, I do want a life with you that does not involve sharing a place with my parents. 

But arguably familial responsibilities should govern... at least the way I have been raised, and I’ve never had an issue here like this.

I like what we have right now and don’t want that to end, but I feel like I need to find out some stuff on my own.

It’s weird now that I feel that there are things like these that are difficult to talk to you about, and now that I don’t have someone to talk to about it, I realize how much I have had you as a resource for these things.

[thesecretcouncil]

"you cant really help though ...which is kinda mean.. but just let me handle it on my own"

Which may be true, and I'm perfectly fine with giving you some time if you need it, but just remember not to shut me out. If you have things going on, you can talk to me, and even though I don't need you to always speak with me, I need you to know that I am still here, and will support in whatever capacity I can.

I know there are some things that can be touchy for people. Heck, I don't know why I even mentioned to you that time I thought I failed a midterm. I mean, we were talking about me here... (no offense), but it's something that's true to me, that is hard to bring up with people.

Normally that's the thing, there are some things that we can't talk with other people about. But if it really comes down to it, don't think that I won't throw my judgements aside and just act impartial. (Just as long as like, you tell me... "hey, I know this isn't kinda the thing to bring up with you, but I need someone to talk.) And honestly, I would be totally fine with that.

I know you're stressed. And we all have different ways of handling our stresses, but I don't want you to shut me out, and try to handle everything by yourself. Sometimes, there will be things, that you or I may just want to handle on ourselves. That's fine. And I'm sure today is probably one of those. You just need some time alone, and I'm not going to press. I mean, you've spoken to me that it's time you want by yourself, but... don't think that you can't come to me when you really need to.

You should probably know by this point what 'recent lesson', I'm drawing upon. And I know you're familiar with it as well, so I want you to remember that. You don't have to discuss everything with me, but keep me in the loop.

Just take things one step at a time. We have to keep an eye on the big picture.

I know it's getting to you, and you've wanted to pull away whenever you can. But remember how far you've come. And that challenges are surmountable, and that every journey begins with the first step. There may be bumps along the way, and fallen trees that require climbing around, but know that through it all, with encouragement, and drive, that you can make it. As we have done in the past.  Where we pushed ourselves... Where we pushed each other... And we pushed each other past what we individually thought we could do, and together, we achieved.  For when it comes to people, it is really more than the sum of the two individual parts. It's tough when you feel powerless, and there's no one to go to to get help. And it's tough when I feel powerless, and there's nothing I can do to help you. Don't ever shut me out. And if I sense that you're shutting me out, I will press the issue. We're here for each other. We should never have to stand alone. “You're trying to escape from your difficulties, and there never is any escape from difficulties, never. They have to be faced and fought.” ― Enid Blyton, Six Cousins At Mistletoe Farm

[thesecretcouncil]

8-14

ash pokey-pokey

[thesecretcouncil]

Problem... me... yes... Fix... think... 1. Talk

[thesecretcouncil]

Rule of event planning:

Think of an event / choose place to go

Open even up for others to join

Event continues regardless:

Rain or Shine

Full or Empty (of people)        <- This clause unique to pretty much only me.

Only Cancel if:

Subject person(s) cannot make it (usually myself though, so 

Yeah... so you know what, I will do what I've slated out to do regardless whether people end up joining me or not. 

[thesecretcouncil]

lost...

[thesecretcouncil]

the day's reflection

Let's see...

MZY - cassim  MZY - reunion - video MZY - headphones MZY - final training  - video

-reunionnight - [fair] -volunteers Cassim  - AM -gamenight - S&L -  MB -triu - MB -photos - SM,AM,et al

-nuitblanche - EVERYONE

Sometimes...... you know... I find people do take advantage of my kindness and forgiveness, and it seems they take it as a weakness, like I am "for-hire" friend to fill a fourth position needed for a board game, or a someone to fill for a game match....

I'm really sorry, if you see me that way. 

I give my time because I care, and because I think it is a good bonding opportunity, and friendship developing activity. 

I'm a little irked this week. This week hasn't been all that great.The worse is not that friends cancel on me, but when I no longer feel that I get treated with any dignity or respect. That is when it hurts the most, and to have time wasted on top of it, is indeed to add insult.

When I say yes, I'm usually free, that means I don't have a tight schedule, and can move my plans around. [I'm good at doing that.] It doesn't mean that I have nothing else better to do, and can always cater to everyone's longing demand. 

Don't promise something and go back on it. I would rather you have never tried to promise anything in the first place.

Also... let's not say "BRB" if you're never coming back.

[thesecretcouncil]

My time is precious. I don't like people wasting it. This week has been particularly rough.... my willpower and tolerance are somewhat drained.

[thesecretcouncil]

Woot... I am on a ranting spree tonight. It must break all meaning when one has 132 people write on their wall for their birthday. Which reminds me.... I wonder if Facebook wall permissions are still the same as they were two years ago

[thesecretcouncil]

I realize I always tell people that their apology is not necessary. And I do feel that way a lot of the time. Because it means nothing to me.

Apologize once and show your intent Apologize twice, that’s not what I meant

For a speech based apology means nothing. One can repeat that time after time, but it takes hardly any effort and the resolution value is very low. Maybe in elementary school I would’ve accepted it, but even that I doubt.

The strongest apology one can make is one that shows sincerity, and shows desire to improve (for applicable scenarios).

I don’t want to hear an apology. I want to see it.

Yes you’re sorry, but you’re probably not really. Or at least I’m not feeling it.

Don’t always think I’ll just forget about it over time. (more been generally, the other party never recognizes that I am still put off. And you see, that’s the trick! Well maybe. I try to be nice and accommodating on the outside, but inside, I always wanting something more. I guess it’s a test.

The ones who pass shine brightly.

[thesecretcouncil]

It's another one of those days where I feel like my time is being wasted like it's an infinitely flowing spring of water.

To tell me plans of cancellation while I have already wasted two hours waiting around after work is just downright rude and on my end, disrespectful.

I understand that it is life, and things go awry, but I feel like I'm always kept in the dark, or forgotten off to the side.

I could've gone home two hours earlier, I could've spent that much more time enjoying my Friday, yet, I sat around work for a few hours, got some questions from my coworkers, and all... All... A futile expense of energy.

And this is not the first time something like this has happened. This is not the first time from this group of people.

And yes, I understand it is life. Crap happens. But I am a person too, with emotions and judgement and plans and my own life too. Life is short enough as it is after you subtract all the hours for work and sleep and school. (not saying that those activities aren't fulfilling, I'm just making the point.)

And so... Times like these... I feel like a second class acquaintance. Perhaps it was a mistake to too early lend these people my trust.

It will be a hard road for them to earn it back.

*this revelation made worse by the fact I considered this behavioural effect at work today, and it just so happened again.

[thesecretcouncil]

This time, I an apology to me would actually be necessary.

But it would still not mean very much if it can't be reinforced (not an empty apology)

[thesecretcouncil]

I don't care about excuses. I don't like hearing about excuses.

Just apologize, own up to it, and we can move on.

Stop giving me excuses.

[thesecretcouncil]

this POS mouse..

[thesecretcouncil]

The best times to ponder about life :

Sitting at the window stool seats in small food service shops,  just watching people and traffic move by, under the steadily setting sun.