Iām just sitting here in my room and I just donāt know what do do anymore.
Thereās so much going on in my head I could go on for hours but I donāt know where, when, or how to start.
My brain has turned to mush. Whether it be due to overworking and exhaustion, depression, stress, or just inactivity, my brain is just nothing. I remember being smart in middle school and early high school. Now I canāt remember things, or think straight. Shit I canāt even type on my phone without spelling mistakes anymore. I think I may have a speech impediment too because of it. (Or maybe Iāve always been like that)
Itās just one of the many things that are wrong with me. My brain is an absolute frenzy everyday. I have never self diagnosed. But I constantly realized things about myself that may be a part of mental illness, or even a developmental disorder, but, because I was never tested as a kid, or as an adult even, it all just falls on a list of issues I may have. Itās a shitty thing to say, but I do it. Once again, not self diagnosing. Just living everyday with the possibility. Maybe Iāll never know. Maybe I was just raised to just live with it and pretend itās not there like the rest of my family.
Iāve always felt unnatural. I think of the way I acted around others. I was very off-putting, and I probably made others uncomfortable. I, of course, never intended this. I truly just donāt know how to function apparently. I have habits of walking up and saying something dumb and leaving. Unintentionally saying things that are rude. Glancing at everyone around me. My family, friends, and coworkers have even made fun of me for stumbling over my words and for stuttering. Iāve gotten better, but I still see myself acting the same way in my daily life to this day, and I just canāt make myself stop.Ā
I see people I went to school with on social media and see them living successful lives. I remember them from high school and I remember them acting like normal people. Now theyāre living normal adult lives, and Iām sitting here on Tumblr at 3 AM in my parents basement. Most have graduated college, and I have no end in sight. Iām taking a break this year because of the hassle of COVID. Or is it because I have no desire to go. Most people are starting their careers, and Iām working at a gas station that was robbed twice in two weeks. Most of my class from high school probably doesnāt even remember me, or if they do, probably remember me as either a freak, or a laughing stock. Either way my existence means nothing to them. It doesnāt mean a whole lot to most people anyways.Ā
Off topic as well, I ended up getting COVID mid-November. It only lasted for a few days, but I still get daily migraines, and lost my sense of smell. I actually thought I got it back the other day cause I smelt weed on one of our customers, but I guess it was nothing.
I feel like I have no credence to be complaining. I could definitely be in a worse position than I am now. I just like to get my thoughts out sometimes. Iāve gotten better about not sadposting on social media. This is the first time Iāve done it in months. Iāve tried to just turn everything into a joke, but I guess that only gets you so far I suppose. For now Iāll just try and go on with life. After all, Iām just a simple fool trying to make my way through the galaxy.
andulkaphoto
vaporwave
2087
romaincrisis
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