Skylar Mckay, 23, ASL Interpreter with the White Crest school district. Selkie. [Closed RP blog with Wicked's Rest. Heavy Drug Use, Addiction, Chronic Illness TW's]
TW: Addiction, Alcoholism, Body Horror, Chronic Illness, Drug Use, Past Mentions of Domestic Abuse, Past Mentions of Emotional Abuse, Gun Use, Medical Blood & Memory Loss.
After coming to grips with the reality of her life as a Selkie, Skylar had her first brush with a Hunter; the encounter left her scarred in more ways than one. [X]
Seeing her pain, Felix offered her a way out. [X]
Erin, unnerved by Skylar’s strange behavior, tries to put a stop to things. [X]
Morgan joins Skye for a day of fun at the carnival; the two get uncomfortable glimpses of things to come. [X]
Frightened by what she saw in the mirror, Skylar did her best to change her fate.
A chance encounter goes horribly wrong, leading Skye and Leah to reveal their true natures to one another. But, there’s more at work than they could have imagined [X] [X]
Mina and Skylar have an uncomfortable run in with an unknown ghost who continues to follow after her [X], appearing in front of Ariana [X] and then Lucky before revealing that he’s Skylar’s father. [X]
Skye and her father have a conversation the ends in despair. [X]
Desperate, she calls her adoptive mother, only to have her heart broken once more. [X]
While trying to connect with Deirdre, the two have a bloody encounter with bonedoggles that leaves Skylar broken in more than one way [X] . Leah’s tears can only heal so much. [X]
Skye turns to the only thing she knows to numb the pain. [X]
Leah witnesses Skylar’s descent firsthand, much to her concern. [X]
Erin drops by the house and the encounter doesn’t end well. [X]
In an attempt to understand Skylar’s pain, Leah goes for a Lift. [X]
Concerned by her actions, Erin, Leah, and Morgan stage an intervention for Skye. It doesn’t go well [X]
In the wake of the intervention, Skylar spirals out of control. She awakens and has to put together the pieces of her lost weeks. [X]
Skylar finds out she attacked Jared at his farm [X], antagonized Luis into killing innocents [X], destroyed Fondante’s and hurt Nate only to be chased off by Shiloh and Rio [X], crashed through Cutler’s store [X], demanded tears from Leah [X], and was helped back to the sea by Shiloh and Rio [X].
Skylar asks Erin to help her clean out her room. [X]
Rio and Skylar both have a lot to get off their chest. He comes clean about the truth behind his parents’ death and she apologizes for what she’s done. [X]
When she stumbles, Skye’s father is there to catch her. They have a talk that strengthens her resolve for a new purpose: returning to Seattle to get clean and find her birth mother. [X]
Seeking to make amends, Skylar goes to Cutler for forgiveness and for a fresh start. [X]
Skylar goes to Leah to apologize for what she’s done and to tell her of the new path she’s planning to take. [X]
Morgan is next on the list of people to see before Skye takes the first step in her new journey. [X]
With her bags packed, Rio is Skylar’s final goodbye. [X]
Skylar closes this chapter of her life, with the hope of a brighter future on the horizon. [X]
Description: With every ending comes a new beginning.
Stretching her arms, Skylar stepped out of the car, Dundee hopping down behind her. The overcast skies were a dark gray hue and the winds had blown themselves out, but otherwise, the pit-stop off the highway honestly looked like something off a postcard. Evergreen trees surrounded the snow-covered picnic area, a spot that Skylar imagined must be popular with travelers in the summer. Now, though, the benches were covered in a pristine layer of snow.
Next to her, Dundee sneezed and she picked him up, tucking him into the front of her jacket. They’d been driving for nearly four hours, just a bit less. Her back ached a bit from being stuck in the front seat, but she knew that there wasn’t any need to rush. She’d called Remmy the week before, telling them that she was going to be heading down to MIT to visit. And when she got there, she would tell them what had happened. Everything that had happened. They’d been there, when she’d been in a bad way, they’d seen her at some of her lowest moments. And they deserved to know the truth. Besides, Skylar thought as she snuggled Dundee closer to her, she missed them.
Skylar walked around the empty parking lot, kicking at stray clumps of snow and picking her way around some of the ice that had frosted over a few of the parking spots. It was bracingly cold, but it felt good against her warm skin. She marveled at the thought for a moment. She felt it. And she knew that it was… something good. As she continued to putter around the parking lot, something soft and cold landed on her cheek. Then another. And another, until she looked up and realized the wind had picked up again, blowing the soft dusting of snow from the treetops down onto the parking lot.
She held out her hand to catch the snow and watched as the little white flakes dissolved in the palm of her hand, melting almost instantly. Skylar let out a sigh, a cloud of white vapor escaping her lips. She knew she was stalling. She knew she was putting things off. She’d done it all morning.
She’d taken the long way through town, driving slowly down the street. She’d passed the familiar store fronts—Quarter, where she and Rio had played games under the neon lights. Board to Death, where she and Leah had their disastrous first meeting. Coffee Plus, where she’d taught so many ASL lessons over endless cups of coffee. She’d driven further and had looked wistfully out at the coast, at the Cave of Voices—where she’d first met Winston and where she’d woken from her lost weeks. That’s where this had all started, hadn’t it? A chance encounter and suddenly, a whole world opened up to her.
There was a part of Skylar that ached at leaving it all behind. So much had happened in White Crest, it felt like an entire lifetime had passed in those two short years. And, in a way, it had been a lifetime. She had moved to the town one person and was leaving… changed. The girl she’d been when she’d first set foot in White Crest was long, long gone. And Skylar hoped that she could find her again one day.
Dundee let out another sneeze and Skylar glanced down at him, his dark eyes squinting as he held back another sneeze. “I’m sorry. We should get out of the cold.” She said, tapping him lightly on the head before returning to her car. Skylar let him hop out of her jacket and waited for him to curl up snugly in the dog bed in the passenger seat before pulling back onto the highway.
Pressing her foot on the gas, Skylar drove down the empty stretch of snowy highway. The sun peaked out from behind the clouds, bathing the wintry scene in a warm glow. Skylar lowered the sun visor to shield against the glare while she drove. Fastened to the back was a collage of images, and she briefly glanced up at the photo. She’d clipped out photos she’d taken during happier times, small moments captured and made immortal. The images of Winston, Remmy, Nic, Morgan, Rio, Shiloh, Leah, Erin—all of her friends, all of the people she’d come to love and care for, they looked back at her. They were with her. They always would be.
As she continued to drive, a large sign came into sight and Skylar felt her heart sink into her stomach. Now Leaving Maine, the sign proclaimed in big, bold letters. She could turn back. She could go back to the friends she loved and the familiar places in town. She could try and fight everything that the world threw at her.
But, Skylar knew that she couldn’t. Not really. If she stayed there, Skylar knew that the story of her life would end as nothing more than a footnote in the tragedy that surrounded White Crest. And she deserved so much better than that. There was still so much she had to live for, so many things she still wanted—needed—to do. This wasn’t the end of her story, not yet. She didn’t know where things would take her, but there was one thing she was sure of.
No drugs and alcohol today
I wanna remember everything we talk about
I wanna feel light moving in everything you say
But part of me is caveated out
Like maybe certain circumstances are permissible
Maybe I just couldn't, you could just just look the other way
Is it so wrong?
Description: Skylar and Rio say goodbye-- not forever, but goodbye for now.
Looking around at the empty shell of her room, Skylar let out a sigh. She’d sold off most of her things and donated what she hadn’t been able to sell-- hopefully the things she’d left behind in White Crest could do more good for others than she’d done for this town. She’d thrown out the random scraps of paper, the notes she’d left for herself, the things that she’d ambiently collected over the past two years without even realizing it. Skylar stood up, dusting her hands on her jeans, before stepping back. Her suitcase was already in the back of her car. At this point… all that was left was for her to leave. Turning to the doorway, she blinked in surprise when she saw that Rio was in the hallway. “Oh. Um, hey Rio.” She said, shifting slightly to gesture around at her room. “I’m… all packed up. Looks a little weird, right?” A bit of a forced smile was on her face as she looked around at what remained of her room. She’d left her bookshelves, some of the movies she thought that Rio would like, and a few of the figures she’d been too attached to sell.
Orion figured that this was coming. He wasn’t sure how he knew, but somewhere deep down Rio had a feeling. This wasn’t his first rodeo with a close friend leaving town. This wasn’t his first goodbye. It probably wouldn't be his last either at this rate. But he knew he couldn’t avoid it. From his room he could hear Skylar in her own bedroom and he slipped off of his bed and out into the hallway. Skylar was standing in her bedroom, back turned to Rio and probably not yet aware that he had even been standing there. When she finally turned, Rio gave a small smile and spoke while signing, “Sorry. I keep doing that.” He crept forward, peering past Skylar and getting a look at the almost empty room. Nothing but a few shelves with some movies left behind. Rio knew better than to think she had simply forgotten them. Later on, once she was gone, he would go in and take a look at what had been abandoned. He figured all of them would be pieces that Skye left because she knew he would enjoy them. “Looks like you’re ready to go, huh?”
“No, you’re okay.” Skylar said, her own fingers clumsy and stiff as she signed back at him. Her fingers were still wrapped in gauze, but she was able to at least bend them now. “I really should pay more attention.” She said with a slight smile on her face. Watching the way he looked around the world, Skylar couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt. She was leaving. Just like Nic, like Remmy, like Winston, like so many of the people she’d come to love and call family in this town. And she was leaving Rio behind, with his own scars and burdens.Shifting slightly, Skylar nodded at his words. “Mhm. Dundee’s already in the car. I just have one last box by the front and my backpack, but… that’s it.” She said. The words were bittersweet against her lips. She knew that this was for the best. She needed to leave this town, needed to find her own way. But, the act of leaving was harder than it ever had been. “Do you mind helping me with the box? It’s a little heavy and,” She wiggled her fingers with a wince, “I’d appreciate it a lot.”
Just like with Winston, Orion couldn’t blame Skylar for leaving town. The logical part of Rio’s brain knew that it was for the best. This place was dangerous, and clearly had done more harm than good to Skye in her time here in town. She deserved so much better than that. Rio was not about to hold her back from that. He would have to support her the same way he had supported Winston leaving. Even if it hurt. “Yeah of course. Moving boxes is my specialty!” Rio finger gunned at Skye awkwardly, swallowing nervously and following behind her towards the front door. For some reason the thought of saying goodbye was bringing him back to the awkwardness of their very first night meeting. But Rio pushed on, grabbing onto the box and lifting it easily, tucking it between his side and arm and carrying it out the door and towards the car. “You know where you’re going yet?” Rio couldn’t sign while holding the box, but made sure to face her while talking in case she didn’t have her hearing aids turned on.
Maybe it was just her imagination, but Skylar couldn’t help but feel as though some of the tension eased as Rio shot her finger guns. With a laugh, she made her way through the house, grabbing her backpack from where it sat outside her room. She slung it over her shoulder as she walked through the place she’d called home for nearly a year. She was going to miss this place, miss the memories she’d made here. Anime nights on the couch with Rio and Winston, grilling in the backyard with Nic and Dundee, the birthday party she and Nell had planned, even the closet full of inflatable alligators courtesy of Deirdre. She’d miss it all. Because as much as the town had hurt her, it had given her something she’d never thought she’d have. Friends. A family. A home.
Looking up at Rio, she nodded. “I’m going back to Seattle. I… I got a lead.” Skylar said, not really certain how to talk about what she’d done. She didn’t want him to blame himself for her mistakes, for her slipping. “I found out that my birth mom, she’s still out there. And she knows that I am too. So, I’m going to try and find her.” She said with a nod. “It’s not much, I know, but… I have to try.”
Stuffing the box into an empty spot in Skylar’s car, Orion crossed his arms and studied her. She seemed… better. Maybe not great. She still had a lot that she was going through. And maybe Rio was reading into something that wasn’t there. He hadn’t seen any of the signs before. But Skylar seemed content with her choice to leave. Like she was absolutely sure that it was the right thing to do. Rio hoped he was right. He took a brief detour and circled around the car to wave at Dundee. He popped the door open quickly and gave him a quick pet. “Keep her good company, okay Dundee?” He was a strange dog, but a sweet one. It would be weird without him around. A final pet behind the ear and he closed the door to return his focus towards Skye. “That’s great! I really hope you find something.” Seattle was just about as far away from White Crest as anywhere in the country could be. It meant that it would probably be awhile before Rio would see Skylar again. “Listen, you have my number. Call me. Text me. Whatever. If you ever need anything, just let me know, okay?”
“Thanks, Rio. I hope so too.” Skylar said as she shut the trunk of her car. There was a sense of finality in the dull thud, a sense of closure. Cutler had said something to her when she’d went to make amends, and it had stuck. That this might feel like an ending, but it was a beginning too. This was a new start. And maybe she still didn’t feel like she deserved a new start, but she had to take it. She wanted more for herself and she wanted to make this work. It was a determination she hadn’t felt in… a long time. Leaning against the side of her car, Skylar offered a regretful smile. “Of course. And that goes for you too, you know. If there’s ever anything I can do to help you, I’ll do it. You-- we both have our own things to work through, you know?” She said, thinking back to their last conversation and his confession. “Even if I’m not here, I’ll do whatever I can to help. Even if it’s just… I don’t know, a virtual anime hang out night.” She laughed, hoping the laughter would ease some of the sadness in her chest. She hadn’t even left and already she could feel herself missing all the people she’d come to love in this town.
The closer the time came for Skye to leave, the harder it came to accept that this would be the last time Orion saw her for a while. He could feel his throat tightening as his words caught and came out in a higher pitch. But he didn’t want to cry. At least not while she was here. That would probably only make things worse for her. “Deal. I will definitely do that. Because now I don’t have either of my anime buddies in town.” It had felt like he had just finally made the kind of friends that he could have night long marathons of japanese animated shows with. It was far too short lived. “Okay. Okay. I’m just going to keep trying to talk to you to hold off the inevitable. You got this, okay? I’m so excited for you! Even if I’m going to miss you like crazy.”
Again, Skylar was struck by how similar this was to all the people she’d loved who had left her behind. Except now, she was on the opposite end, where she was the one leaving Rio in the rearview mirror. “I’m just one text away. Don’t forget that.” She said with a deliberate smile and nod. If she smiled, if she acted like this was just… see you later, rather than a final goodbye, it would ease some of the pain of leaving. “And, and tell me about all the good stuff that happens for you too. I hope that, that good things come your way. You deserve that.” She still wasn’t sure if she deserved good things just yet, but maybe one day. Tears welled up in her eyes at his words and Skylar let out a wavering laugh, voice breaking slightly. “I’m going to miss you too. So, so much.” She said before reaching out to hug him. The skin over her ribs still twinged, but the pain was bearable, it was worth it. Skylar wanted him to know just how much she would miss him. She hoped he knew that.
Orion hugged back gently, mindful of the condition she had been in just a few days ago. He had to remember that she didn’t heal like he did. But the hug was meaningful all the same. It said everything that the two couldn’t say in words right now. For Rio, he just hoped that the two would see each other again. He really needed to believe that this was not a final goodbye. Just a temporary time apart. It made things easier here. At the very least, it held off all of the crying and mourning he would eventually do until Skylar was a safe distance away. “Okay. I guess this is goodbye then. For now at least. Drive safe out there okay?” He wasn’t sure what else to say now. Or if anything could be said at all. “Text me updates so I know you’re getting there safely.”
Holding Rio tightly, Skylar held back the tears. Not now. She’d cried so much this past month and she didn’t want to end another conversation with tears. No, she wanted to be able to look at Rio and wish him well. She wanted to leave this town with clear eyes, focused on the path set before her. When she drew back, Skylar nodded. “Mmm. Goodbye for now.” She said before slipping into her car. Dundee stared at her as she clipped her seatbelt, his dark eyes watching her as she smiled down at him. Her hands were trembling as she turned the key, the engine rumbling to life. With a final wave, Skylar pulled out of the driveway. In the rearview mirror, she watched as Rio’s form grew smaller and smaller, until she turned the corner and the house she’d called home slid out of view.
At times, breathing again felt akin to witchcraft. Energy, concentration, a little pressure as Morgan worked her muscles slowly, feeling the weight of her body against her lungs. But focus enough, hold steady long enough, and some buried memory of life would wake and she would find herself in the cycle of air. In, out. In, out. Though far from automatic, the sensation was that much more precious. She wasn’t lost, just fragmented and sleeping. Maybe someday a different part of her would grow to connect the pieces. Maybe someday she wouldn’t mind the gaps.
A knock on the studio door rattled Morgan out of her thoughts. She couldn’t see much through the windows in her small backyard studio, but when the door rattled again (quiet, even self conscious) she got to her feet and stumbled quickly to answer.
“Hello--” Morgan choked on her greeting. Skylar (and it was Skylar, however hard her mind tried to fight this) stood shriveled on the stoop. Heavy, purple shadows hung by her eyes. Bruises spotted her arms and legs. The injuries she’d told Morgan about, her fingers, her ear, were worse than she had dared to imagine. Morgan covered her mouth, trying to recover her composure. There was little that could actually make her sick anymore, but this beaten shell came very close. “S-skye,” she said at last. “What’s--what do you need?”
She’d talked to Erin and Rio first, talked to them before… before she’d slipped. But now, Skylar knew that she needed to do more. This place, this town, it had already taken so much from her and she was clinging to what few pieces of her remained. She needed to do more, to be more, to get… better. And she knew what she needed to do now. Skylar had walked to Deirdre and Morgan’s house, the long walk giving her the time she needed to think over how she wanted to tell Morgan what had happened. And what she knew had to be done. When Morgan opened the door, Skylar saw the familiar look of shock that Erin had worn when she’d come to the house. Taking a deep breath, Skylar looked at Morgan, “Can I come in? I… need to talk to you.” She said, blue eyes intent and focused. She had to do this. And Morgan, she deserved to know.
Morgan nodded mutely and stood aside to let the girl in. For a moment she stayed frozen, just watching, as if someone might come out of her periphery and shout boo! But this was no illusion. And as uneasy as she felt on her feet, she had to do better than she had done last time. “M-make yourself comfortable. Anywhere. And don’t mind the cats. Or the books. Just move them out the way.” She went to the kitchenette a few feet away and poured a glass of water, then two, and guzzled the second one in one swallow to steady her nerves. “What, um, did you want to talk about?”
Skylar folded her arms across her chest, hugging herself as she followed Morgan inside of the studio. She couldn’t remember if she’d been here before, she didn’t think she had. It was a nice space, full of little touches that were distinctly Morgan. One of the cats blinked at her as she stepped inside, as though it could sense her apprehension. Settling down on one of the chairs, Skylar chewed the inside of her cheek. She didn’t know how to explain things, didn’t know where to start with it. But, she knew that she had to say something. She couldn’t just… “I wanted to start off by saying that I’m sorry. I should have listened to you and Erin and Leah. I should have listened to everything you’d said. But, I didn’t and now,” She stared down at the scuffed tops of her shoes, before looking over at Morgan. “And now, I have to live with the things that I’ve done. I’m so sorry. I should have… should have known that you were just trying to help me.”
Morgan came to sit next to Skylar and set down the water glass. She didn’t know if the girl was hot or cold or tired or anything else. To look at her was to see one complicated mess of hurt and weariness. There was no telling what she needed. She probably needed a little of everything. But water was simple, and most beings were dehydrated. So, “Drink up,” Morgan urged.
“It’s okay, you know. I mean--what happened, what you have to carry, that’s not okay. But it’s okay that you were in a pit, and you didn’t hear anyone. And that you’ll have your regrets. That’s just a part of growing up for some people. But you can be forgiven. And you can get to somewhere okay again, as long as you get clean, do things differently. You won’t be the same, but that’s okay too.” Slowly, she reached out a hand for her. “Do you want to tell me about it? I know a lot about doing things you wish you could take back. Just--tell me what you need, Skye. What you really need.”
Glancing at the glass of water, Skylar nodded and took a long sip from the glass. It was cold, refreshing, but it wasn’t satisfying. Nothing felt satisfying these days, not really. Not in the way the her body desperately wanted. But, she drank and she offered a nod of thanks while she listened to Morgan speak. It wasn’t just that she’d been in the pit, it wasn’t just that she hadn’t listened. It was the fact that all of this could have been prevented if she’d only just… listened. If she’d let people in. If she’d been honest and admitted that she wasn’t okay. But, she couldn’t change the past. She could only change how she moved forward, how she chose to live her life.
“I hurt a lot of people. People died because of me. I ruined someone’s livelihood, I stabbed a friend, I did… a lot of terrible things. And,” Skylar paused, staring at Morgan’s hand apprehensively. “And even after all of it, after everything that I’ve done-- I did it again.” She said, grimacing as the memories of eyes sprouting all over her body came back to her. “Erin, she helped me get rid of everything, but I-- she missed a pill. And I didn’t, I didn’t tell her. And I gave in. I thought that, that if I just had one last… If I let go of things for one last time, I could get better. But that didn’t, it was,” Skylar took another deep breath to collect her thoughts and shook her head. “I saw my dad again.”
“You can still be forgiven, Skye,” Morgan murmured. It was a gift the girl would have to give to herself, but it was still possible. If Morgan could let the world into her, if she could let go and open herself after the bodies she’d made and the soul she’d destroyed, the same had to be possible for Skylar, didn’t it? “You slipped. As I understand it, that’s relatively common in addicts. But progress isn’t perfection, Skylar. You don’t have to blame yourself for doing something a person would do. You just…” Stars, she wasn’t even sure what the whole crux of this thing was. “You can’t let your hurt be the center of your world. And you can’t make trying to outrun or destroy it your most important goal. And you can’t fight one kind of hurt with another, and this is...you have to know by now, those pills were some kind of hurt, right?” She took the girl’s fingers carefully. “What was it like? Seeing him. I mean, how do you feel, now that you have?”
“Maybe.” Skylar said, though she still wasn’t sure if forgiveness was something she could accept yet. Maybe she would spend the rest of her life trying to make up for everything she’d done. And, on some level, that prospect was comforting. Like Erin had said, she still had her entire life left to live. If she gave up, if she stopped, that would mean that people had suffered for nothing, that their lives had meant nothing. She shifted uncomfortable at that word. Addict. It had never been a word she’d thought would apply to herself, but it was true. She was… addicted and she needed to change. She needed to be better. “I know. And I’m not trying to outrun it. Not really,” She said and she hoped Morgan would understand what she meant by that. “It was… sad. He’s dead and I know that he’s not coming back, but talking to him… seeing him,” Skylar paused, trying to collect her thoughts. “He told me that I deserve better than this. That he always wanted me to have a good life and that… Mm. He said a lot of the same things you’ve said.” She said with a weak smile. “And you’re both right.”
“You can,” Morgan insisted. “Maybe that’s not something you can accept right now, and believe me, I get that. But it’s something you should give yourself some day. And if you feel like you need someone’s permission to, you have a standing invitation from me.” She wondered about Skylar’s father. What he was really like, what her life would’ve been like if he’d been around to help. “Maybe he said those things because he loves you. Or maybe he said them because they’re true.” She shrugged, smiling gently. “You know what matters is that you keep trying, right? It’s how badly you slip or fall or hurt someone, it’s what you do after, it’s this. Right?”
Morgan’s words were ones that Skylar had never really allowed herself to think throughout all of this. Forgiveness was never something she’d thought of for herself, not after what she’d done. When she’d gone to the people she’d hurt, apologizing, she hadn’t really gone asking for forgiveness. She knew that she’d hurt them, that she’d caused them harm. And that wasn’t always something people could forgive. But, maybe Morgan was right. Maybe she could… forgive herself. One day. As the conversation turned to the future, Skylar swallowed, shifting in place. “Mmm. It is.” She said before taking the plunge. She had to take the first step. She had to do this. And the first step was making this decision a reality. “And I’ve… I’ve decided that I need to make a change. A big one. In order to, to get better.” Running her good hand through her hair, Skylar cast an apprehensive look at Morgan. “This town, it’s not-- it’s not good for me. And I need to leave. I have to leave. Otherwise I don’t think I’ll be able to… stay afloat.” She said, the words coming out in a halting cadence. “I just, I have to do this while there’s still enough of me left.”
Morgan wasn’t sure how she could’ve guessed what the premise of Skylar’s plan was, but when the girl spoke, she didn’t feel any surprise. She waited a little while, just in case there was more Skylar wanted to say. Then, beckoning her to come close, Morgan said, “I think that’s not a bad idea. I think...as much as it might make a kind of sense to stay where you’re known and loved, you can get that somewhere else. It might make more sense to make the place where you’re loved somewhere…” Her gaze drifted out the window as she searched for the right word. “Softer, I guess. Humans may not know how to take care of each other, but maybe a little systemic ineptitude is worth a little more stability, a little less casual violence.” She turned back to Skylar with a smile, no less encouraging for its weariness. “Do you need help getting your stuff in order? Finding a new job, a new place, anything…?”
Apprehension filled Skylar as she waited for Morgan’s response. She wasn’t sure how the other woman would react, but as she gestured for Skylar to move closer, as the words came… A wave of relief washed over her. She shifted slightly, hanging on Morgan’s words. Because this, this might be the last time that she would see Morgan. This might be her final goodbye. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find the good people who lived here again. I might be able to find some places safer, somewhere… less harsh. But, I don’t think I’ll find people like you all again.” She said with a sad smile. As much as she loved the friends she’d found here, she couldn’t stay. As Morgan continued to speak, Skylar tilted her head. “You say that like you’re not.” But then again, neither one of them were human, were they? Not anymore. Morgan by circumstance and Skylar by revelation, they were never going to be normal ever again. Swallowing, Skylar shook her head. “I’m selling most of my things. I need to repay the people who I hurt. But, um, no. I know where I’m going.” She said with a nod.
Morgan folded Skylar carefully into her arms. “Sure you will,” she said. “Maybe no one as cool as me, but…” She laughed softly, self-deprecating. “You are very, very easy to love, Skylar. If you let people in, let them help you, you’ll find what you need. Maybe not right away, but you will.” She ran her hands through Skylar’s limp hair, trying to remember how it felt in case this was the last time. “And no, I am very, very not human. And neither are you. But that doesn’t mean we’re not pretty awesome. I know it’s been hard, and I hope to everything in the world you never hit anything this low again. But even if you do, you’re still worthwhile, Skye.” She pulled back, doing her very best to keep her eyes dry. “Where are you off to?”
Morgan’s arms were cold around her, but Skylar leaned into the embrace gratefully. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had held her like this. Maybe Deirdre? When she’d carried her into the library, bleeding in the wake of the bonedoggle attack. There was something soothing about this, it filled her with a sense of calm that she hadn’t felt in a long, long time. “I hope so.” She said with a small nod as she settled in against Morgan’s frame. The other woman was so much smaller than her, but there was a sturdiness about her-- like Remmy, she was a solid rock, even now. “Mhm.” She said. Jury was still out on the… awesome part. But, she didn’t feel like opening that can of worms, not right now. “Ah. I’m, well. I’m going back to Seattle. My dad, he told me that my mom-- my real mom… she misses me.”
“Your biological--your selkie mom?” Morgan’s mouth dropped with awe. “Oh, Skye. Have you contacted her? Is she waiting for you? Do you--know what she’s like?” A hundred questions fired through her mind, some worried (a kind mother was starting to seem like a mythical creature, but maybe they were more abundant on the west coast), some excited, relieved. This could be good for her, couldn’t it? Hadn’t Skylar been missing someone who could understand her? Who could show her how to fit in with herself? Who would take care of Skylar instead of letting Skylar always put herself second? “Too many questions, sorry. How do you feel about going to see her?”
Blinking slightly at Morgan’s words, Skylar shook her head. The last thing her father had told her was just that-- that her mother missed her. All she knew was the bit of information she’d managed to piece together over the months since he’d first appeared to her. That her mother looked just like her when she was younger, that her name was Eliza, and… And that she had left Skylar in the rocks along the shore of Discovery Park. That wasn’t a lot to go off of, and she knew that. But, she’d find a way. “It’s okay. I haven’t contacted her, I don’t know if she’s waiting for me. I hope she is. I don’t know anything about her other than that she looks,” Skylar smiled slightly, “She looked like me when she was young.” Quirking her lip, she mulled over Morgan’s question for a long moment. “Nervous. Worried. But for once, I’m not… scared.” She said with a nod. It was the truth. “Whatever happens, at least I’ll have tried.”
“And trying is what matters most,” Morgan said, drawing Skylar close again. It was a riskier plan than she had hoped for. Skylar was so vulnerable, and if this woman was out there, maybe barely able to take care of herself...and what if she was cruel, if she shamed Skylar for her fears or what if… Morgan silenced those thoughts with a long exhale. However possible, she couldn’t give them to Skylar when the girl was doing her best to be brave and do something good for herself for a change. “When do you leave? Do I have time to get you a pre-paid credit card, in case of emergencies?”
“Mmmm.” Skylar hummed. She knew it was a long shot. All of it was. She was leaving across the country, chasing the words of a ghost. And for what? The hope that her mother would accept her? The small, child-like dream that she’d always carried, that one day she would be reunited with her parents and find that they’d missed her just as much as she’d missed them? Yes. That’s exactly what she was clinging to. She had nothing to lose, nothing left for this world to take. She might as well try to and carve out something good for herself. And even if it didn’t happen… She had other reasons to want to go back to Seattle. Bri was there, her adoptive father was still there. Maybe if they saw her, maybe if they realized just how much she cared-- maybe they still cared too. “Ah. I’m leaving as soon as I finish selling off some of my things. I can’t really pack up everything, and I’ll need money when I get to Seattle. But, um, you don’t need to do that. Really.” She said, shaking her head. Morgan was too kind, too giving. She couldn’t accept that.
“No, there’s a chance you won’t need it at all, and I’m just being...neurotic, silly, who knows,” Morgan admitted. “But it would make me feel a lot better. And if everything goes well for you there, Skylar, if you stay there…” For the first time, her reserve failed her and she had to sniffle to keep her composure. “I’d like to be able to do one last good thing for you, honey. I haven’t done nearly as many of those as I’d like to have. And maybe it can get you some nice furniture, or new clothes, or lots of takeout. Whatever you end up wanting to put it to. And, you know, gifts aren’t given because people need them, right?”
Hearing the way that Morgan faltered, Skylar turned to look at the woman, concern on her face. Tears prickled at the edge of her own eyes--the first tears, she realized, that weren’t caused by grief or guilt in a long, long time. “Maybe one day I’ll come back here.” She said, though she had no idea if the words were true. Would she ever come back to White Crest, after all the pain it had caused her? After all the pain it had caused to her friends who had, one by one, escaped its reach? She didn’t know. She didn’t know what the future held for her. But, at least she had one. It wasn’t an easy future, or the one she’d ever envisioned for herself. But, it was hers. Swallowing back the tears that still threatened to spill over, Skylar nodded. “Thank you, Morgan.” She said, pulling the other woman into a tight hug. The wound over her side twinged in protest, but she ignored it, trying to cement this memory down in her mind. She didn’t want to lose this memory, didn’t want to forget Morgan. “Thank you, for everything.”
Morgan laughed tearfully as Skylar tugged them back together. Even shriveled down and weary, she was all arms and legs, so big and still carrying far too much than she should. Morgan used her chance buried in her shoulder to dry her eyes and swallow down the lump swelling in her throat. “I don’t know how long selkies live, but I plan to be around for at least five hundred years. And even if I don’t see you again until you’re old and scraggly, you still have a place with me.” She pulled away and took a good long look at the girl’s face. She was a mess and half sick, but her bones were solid and firm beneath her skin. If it was possible for her to summon Skylar’s best self to the surface by will alone, by imagining how full cheeks and sun-browned skin and weeks of smiling would look on her, then it was sure to happen now. “Come on, let’s go inside the house. You’re not leaving here without at least taking home some pie. We might be in the epicenter of supernatural mayhem, but this house has standards.”
Description: Skylar and Leah have a little talk about everything that’s happened.
TW: Addiction, Memory Loss, Allusions to body horror
Fingers curling in her pocket, Skylar walked up to Leah’s house nervously. She glanced up at the home with an apprehensive gaze. The last time she’d been here, she hadn’t remembered it. The last time she’d been here, she’d been a mess. The blood stains against the handle and steering wheel of her car had been proof enough of that. And… from what Leah had told her, it hadn’t been good. Not that any of those lost weeks had been good. The more she learned about what she’d done, the more Skylar wished she could forget them all. But, she couldn’t. She couldn’t, she had to live with what she’d done. She had to live with the mistakes she’d made and the harm she’d brought to so many people. She’d hurt… so many people. She was responsible for the deaths of others, of people who’d had done nothing but be at the wrong place at the wrong time. And she needed… She needed to change. She had to change.
Skylar took a deep breath to steady herself as she reached out to ring the doorbell. She wanted to see Leah. To apologize. To thank her. To… be honest with her. “Hey, Leah.” Skylar said with a tentative nod. “Can I… come in?”
She hadn’t been expecting any visitors, so the sudden ring of her doorbell gave Leah pause. Her afternoon had been relatively calm otherwise, her mother having just left after helping her prep some meals for the weeks since, given her injuries, she was generally useless in the kitchen. She let out a low, slow breath as she walked to open the door, remembering with dread the last time she’d open the door to an unexpected visitor. The memory of her last night with Skylar still burned deep in her mind, even now, when she knew her friend was home safe. The famous night had been a realization of some sorts. No matter how much she wanted to, no matter what she did, she could not fix the pain and anguish that lived deep inside of Skye. She couldn’t stop her from destroying herself, not even with the sheer will that she’d used to fight through so many other facets of her life.
Surprisingly, she was met with Skylar at her door again, but the sight in front of her was vastly different than the one she’d seen a few weeks ago. Skylar, while she still looked like a shell of her former self, had an alertness about her that she hadn’t seen in months. Still, concern laced her features as she pulled the door open slowly. “Skye”, she said gently, stepping aside immediately so she could let her in. “Of course. Is everything…” She stopped herself, letting the question hang in the air. Of course everything wasn’t okay. It hadn’t been for a long, long time. She chose a question that felt more appropriate as she led Skylar to the living room. “How are you feeling?” she said, looking over Skye for the sores that seemed to encompass her body lately.
When Leah opened the door, Skylar winced as she took in the other woman’s injured form. She hadn’t done that, had she? Leah would have told her if she had, right? Giving a tense, tired smile, she offered a one-sided hug. The cut across her ribs still twinged at the motion, even as she tried not to jostle it. But Leah, she looked like she needed the hug more than it hurt Skylar. And she could handle a little more pain. “Mmmm, not the best. But, I’m feeling again, so that’s something.” She said as she slipped inside the house. Walking down the hallways, she tried to conjure up the memories that she knew she should have. She had been here, weeks ago, bleeding and begging. But, just like all the other times, nothing returned. The memories, they were lost to her and she would never get them back. She would just have to live with her actions and live with the fact that she could never fully understand what she’d put so many people through. Following Leah into the living room, Skylar sat awkwardly on one of the couches, not sure how to even begin. But, she needed to. She had to. She had to take the first step. “I wanted to come by and tell you that I’m so… So sorry for everything I did. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen and you-- you and Morgan and Erin, you all tried to stop me. But I didn’t listen and now,” Skylar shook her head, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Although the hug was short and awkward, Leah sank into it, like she would into a warm blanket after a cold day. Skylar hadn’t afforded her the pleasure of this type of friendly touch since before she’d come to her after the bonedoggle incident, and sinking into it again felt familiar and comforting, despite how little Skylar still looked like her former self. She nodded as they walked together, agreeing. Skylar was feeling something, and that was such an important start to her recovery. It was so much more than they could have asked for even a week ago. As her friend poured her heart out, Leah reached forward, tentatively grabbing her hands and squeezing them. She hoped the warmth she offered would be a familiar comfort. She hadn’t planned on Skylar coming here, or planned on hearing an apology from her, and so her response was completely unplanned. It poured out of her unexpectedly. “Listen, Skye- I don’t want to tell you that I’m not upset or hurt by everything that’s happened, because I don’t want to lie to you, but I need you to understand something. Now, while you’re sober and able to listen.” She wanted to believe that this was it, that Skylar would stay sober and this would be for the better, but her gut twinged with anxiety the moment she gained any hope on the situation. “All that matters to me right now is that you’re okay- or at least on the way there. We can- we can fix whatever happened, and we can prevent it from happening again. But we can’t fix-” she swallowed, thinking back to the summer and Bea and how permanent it all felt. She looked up to her ceiling to prevent the tears falling from her eyes. “We can’t fix the unfixable. So as mad and sad and upset as I am, I’m so incredibly grateful that these are things we can fix, Skye.”
Skylar’s good hand gripped her knee as she listened to Leah speak. It wasn’t easy to hear, not after everything that she’d done. Not after everything she’d put Leah through. Looking at the other woman intently, she did her best to focus on her words. All that matters is you’re okay. Swallowing, Skylar felt tears welling up in her eyes. No, she didn’t want to cry, not any more. First with Erin, then Rio, then her father in the woods, and now with Leah? It seemed like she’d been doing nothing but cry lately. But, it was hard to stop the tears when they were already rolling down her cheeks. “I’m not okay, Leah.” She said quietly as she wiped at her cheeks. Her skin was smooth, but she could still feel the ghostly bulge of an eye protruding from the back of her hand. She could still feel the way the tears had streamed from the mass of eyes that had sprouted along her eyes. “I’m not fine, I’m not okay.” She said before continuing, “I’m sorry I put you through this.”
Leah nodded, focusing all of her attention on Skylar. She needed to know that she was heard and listened to, not just loved and then dismissed. Skye wasn’t okay, and she needed to acknowledge that. “Okay. You’re not okay. So what can we do to get you toward the path of okay, Skye? What do you think can make it better? B-because all that you’ve been doing… it’s not working.” She had to know by now that this wasn’t working, right? This path of self destruction… it wasn’t working for anyone. She squeezed Skylar’s hand once more, a silent acceptance of her apology. In truth, she didn’t know how to answer. She accepted her apology, but it wasn’t okay. She was so incredibly angry with Skylar, but even more so she was worried for her. Worried for the mental state she was in, worried for the pain that flowed through her body, and worried for the self hatred that she continued to hold. “I know you are, Skye. I know. But I’m worried.” Was this the start of a cycle for her- drug binge, apologize, repeat? It seemed to Leah that this was the cycle with a lot of addicts. Was it naive of them to assume Skylar would be any different? “But I need you to promise me something, and I don’t use that word, not ever- ...promise me something to prove it to me.” She licked her lips, eyes watching Skylar carefully as she continued. “Next time to feel the urge to even buy anymore of that shit, call me instead. I know being with a friend is not a good substitute, I know you’re hurting, but you can’t keep doing what you’re doing. You just can’t, Skye. I want to help you find another way.”
“I know.” Skylar swallowed, staring down at her lap as she spoke. “I know that it hasn’t been working. And I’m going… I’m trying. I know you don’t have any reason to believe me, but I’m going to try to be better.” She said with a small nod. That’s what all of this was. That was what the boxes in her room were, that’s what pieces of her furniture she had left disappearing meant. It meant she was trying. She was making the choice to do better, for herself. Because she could have a better life than this. “I don’t blame you for being worried.”
At the word promise, Skylar couldn’t help but flinch slightly. The last time she’d promised, she’d sworn to Jared that she’d never… never tell anyone about his farm, or his kids. But, as far as she knew, phoenix’s weren’t Fae, they couldn’t bind people with promises. So, Skylar nodded all the same. “Mmm. If I-- if it happens,” Again, “I’ll call you. I promise.” She said. As Leah continued to speak, she took in a deep breath. “I know that I can’t. And you-- you shouldn’t have to feel like you need to do things for me. I need to find my own way back from this. And it’s not, it’s not like before. When I didn’t want anyone’s help. I’m so, so grateful for everything you’ve done. But, I need, I have to,” Skylar sighed, head bending slightly. “I have to leave. This town, it’s not… good for me.”
Leah looked Skylar over, and the remorse was practically seeping from her body. Leah still felt like she could reach forward and wrap her up to shield her from the world that had been so cruel to her, but there was an added sense of wisdom surrounding her that hadn’t been there earlier. “I believe you”, she said, holding her eye contact. She wanted to believe her; wanted this all to be over. “I trust you.” She nodded, satisfied that she could trust that Skye was being truthful. She’d do all the research she needed to and find alternatives for addicts, things that made being sober a bit more bearable for them until life felt livable again. “I told you, Skylar, friendship is not transactional. I don’t feel like I need to do these things, I want to.” But Skylar’s next words caught her off guard, and she bit her lower lip to stop herself from interrupting her, tears filling her eyes. She’d wanted so much more for her friend- she didn’t understand why White Crest didn’t provide Skylar with the pure joy that it allowed her every day. But she knew- the Lift trip with Skylar had made it clear that once her mind was made up, there was no changing it. There was a long pause before she responded. “When?”, she asked, her voice filled with an unfamiliar gravel. “You’re leaving soon?”
Leah’s trust was something that Skylar didn’t think she deserved, but hearing the words filled her with a sense of comfort. Even though she’d done so much… wrong in her life, Leah still believed in her. Even if she probably shouldn’t. Blinking at Leah’s reaction, Skylar wished that she could say that she wasn’t leaving. But, this place wasn’t good for her. It had never been good for her. The people who lived here and had changed her life with their presence, they were the only good part of White Crest and… the last few months had proven that even they weren’t enough to shake the effect of this town. “As soon as I’m done selling off some of my things.” She said with a nod. “And, you know… telling people that I’m leaving. I don’t want to just disappear, you know? But, I can’t stay here. I can’t.” She said before letting out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, Leah.” She wasn’t quite sure what she was sorry for-- sorry for all the trouble she’d put the other woman through? Sorry that she wasn’t strong enough to stay here? “But I have to go.”
It was a lot to process. Leah had assumed that Skylar recognizing that the drugs were a bad idea meant she’d stay and heal here- with people who loved her and cared about her and wanted her to get better. “Where will you go?”, she asked, searching Skylar’s face for any hint that this might be a joke. “I mean, do you… are you going to be by yourself?” She pressed her lips together, waiting for the other ball to drop- waiting for anything that might make this make sense or feel okay. But it never did. She wiped at her eyes with the heel of her hand, inwardly cursing that she didn’t have an empty vial nearby that she might fill up to send Skye on her way with. “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry White Crest felt so cruel to you and didn’t make you feel more comfortable with who you- wait…” She stopped herself, standing up from the couch as quickly as she could and going toward the bookshelf on the opposite wall. “I have something for you”, she said, running her fingers over the bindings. She presented the book she pulled out immediately to Skylar, looking away sheepishly. There was a good chance Skye wouldn’t even want it, but she didn’t feel right letting her leave town without it. “It’s old, but it has a lot of information about selkies…” she said, sliding it over to Skye. “It’s-... you don’t have to read it, but maybe if you ever find yourself in a place where you’d like to learn… I think it could be useful.”
Sitting up a little straighter, Skylar squared her shoulders before responding to Leah, “I’m going back to Seattle. I had-- I got some information about my mom. My birth mom. She’s um, she’s back there. And I’m going to head back there and try to find her. I don’t really know much else, but it’s a start.” She said with a nod. “I’m not going to be totally alone. I’m going to stop by MIT and see Remmy on my trip. I want to say goodbye to them too. And I’m going to be bringing Dundee with me.” She said with a nod. She’d been a bit nervous at the idea of going on her own across the country, but if she had Dundee with her… Having another life to care about besides her own, she hoped that it would make things just a bit easier. “It’s okay. I mean, it isn’t but… that’s just what happened.” She replied. Watching as Leah picked up a book, Skylar stared at the cover in surprise. A book on selkies? “I-- Thank you. I really appreciate it.”
Her birth mom? The family, the home that Skye had been looking for was apparently much closer than she thought. Leah’s face brightened up as she sat back down, the excitement she felt palpable in her features, even despite the moisture that still surrounded her eyes. “That’s… that’s great, right? I mean… that’s really exciting! You’ll call me if you ever want to conduct a good old fashioned stakeout, for old times sake?” There was a slight playful tone in her voice, but for a moment, her vision became distant and far off. Thinking back to their first stakeout together brought another pang of emotion through Leah, remembering how even then she felt such a strong urge to protect the younger woman. Maybe there was some part of her that had failed-...maybe it hadn’t been her job to protect her in the first place. It was comforting to hear that even her journey wouldn’t be without a companion, even one as tiny as Dundee. She nodded, finally, satisfied. Skylar had clearly been thinking a lot about this, and as hard as it was for Leah to admit- maybe she was right. Maybe White Crest just wasn’t good for some people. She let out a breath at Skylar’s reaction to the book, smiling softly. “I’d been searching for something for a while and I found this in my grandmother’s collection- I think it’s really important that you have it. I know your journey of self-discovery has been rotten and uncomfortable, but I hope continuing to learn about the history of what you are can bring you some form of peace, Skye.”
Skylar couldn’t help but smile at Leah’s words, thinking back to their first disastrous meeting and everything that had happened since. Those days felt like a lifetime ago. And, they were, in a way. She was a different person now, a different Skylar from the one who’d stared at the cards she’d been dealt in horror and been forced to go along with the whims of some unknown entity. She was a little broken, a little bruised. But she had a purpose now. Even if it wasn’t much, she had a reason to keep trying and to help herself. “Yeah, I’ll be sure to let you know. Seattle's a really wonderful place, if you ever decide to visit, you should tell me. Bit wet,” She said regretfully, “But it’s a good place. I’m… honestly, I’m looking forward to going back.” Staring down at the cover of the book, Skylar ran her fingers over the bound cover, wondering just how much knowledge there was kept in its pages. “I… I don’t know what to say, Leah.” She wanted to say that she couldn’t accept this, that it was too much for her. But, Leah was determined to give it to her, she could see it in her eyes. “Thank you. I hope so too. I want… I want to be happy with what I am. That’s all I’ve really wanted. And I think-- I hope leaving will do that.”
Leah gave a playful half shrug with her good shoulder, gesturing to her window. “Bit wet here too. It’s nothing I couldn’t manage for a little visit.” The idea of a visit gave Leah some relief, and she felt herself relax a bit more at the idea of Skylar leaving. “I have to admit, I selfishly want you to stay. But... I’m really happy for the journey you have ahead, Skye. I can’t wait for the world to show you how kick ass it is… and how kick ass you are. And you are, you know… I know it’s hard to believe lately, but you’re going to do amazing things.” She was elated that Skylar was taking to the book well- much better than expected, and her thankfulness made it clear that it’d be put to good use. Skylar might finally accept what she was, and Leah realized, in some way, maybe she did protect her after all. She wasn’t sure how long they stayed chatting that night, only that the last goodbye was filled with more tears and demands that they stay in touch. And as she watched Skylar drive away, leaning against the threshold of her front door, she was reminded of watching Skylar run into the woods the night of the incident. But the tears she cried now weren’t out of fear Skylar was going off to destroy herself. No, this time, they were filled with the confidence and hope that she was going to find herself.
What's one dream you had that you wish had been real?
I had a dream a few months ago that I was with my family. My mom was happy and laughing and my brother was helping my dad cook dinner for us while my sister was telling us about her day. It was almost like a memory, except... Home was never really like that. Mom was always busy, Hunter never liked cooking with Dad, and Bri was usually out with friends. It wasn’t ever real. And maybe that’s for the best.
Mmm. It’s hard to pick just one, you know? Who wouldn’t like their dreams to be real?
Description: Skylar goes to Cutler, hoping to make amends.
TW: Addiction, alcoholism, memory loss
Pulling her coat tighter around herself with her good hand, Skylar couldn’t help the way her feet dragged as she headed towards Clarke’s Convenience. She still didn’t know the full extent of the damage she’d caused, she didn’t know if she’d threatened him, if she’d hurt him, or if he’d ruined everything like she’d done to Nate’s store. But… she felt as though she owed it to Cutler. He was a stranger in all rights, but that just made what he’d done for her stand out all the more. He hadn’t needed to help her. He could have called the police-- he probably should have. But, he’d helped her. He’d bandaged her wounds. He’d talked to her. And in some way, it seemed as though he understood what she’d been through. With a sigh, Skylar forced herself to open the door of the shop and stepped inside, the bell overhead jangling faintly in the tinny reception of her hearing aids. “Hi… You’re Cutler, right?” She asked the man behind the counter, walking up to him hesitantly.
Cutler’s palm bounced off the side of the cash register, causing the change to rattle inside their plastic confines. No response. And then: the ch-ch-ch sound of a receipt printing from the top. A grin spread across his face as he imagined the cost of the repair fee he had avoided. “Hey, if it ain’t broke…” He trailed off as his focus was pulled from the customer in front of him by a familiar face stepping across the threshold. “Have a good one.” The words were flat and monotonous, pulled from a customer service script. His eyes never left the woman who was crossing the floor toward him.
“Skylar.” Recognition flickered across her face at the name. So it was her. Of course it was. She looked so different that for a moment he hadn’t been sure. It was as if the Skylar of a month ago’s face had been skinned over another. Except the eyes. When her eyes met his, they were the same as they had been that night; fierce and deep, like the ocean. “Hi. Yeah, that’s me.” He pushed the open cash tray closed, the ding ringing out into the heavy silence between them. “Are you-? I mean how are you feeling? You look much…” He searched for a word that would encapsulate the change in her. “...better.”
Skylar stepped out of the way as the person left the shop, ducking into one of the aisles of the store. As the door shut behind them, she made her way up to the counter, looking around the shop with curiosity mixed with regret. She had hoped that coming back here would grant her some kind of… revelation. That she would see the shop and remember what she’d done and so she could at least understand how much pain she’d caused. But, as she looked at the rows of shelves, the refrigerated cases along the back wall, nothing came to her. She’d never been here. Only that she had, she just couldn’t remember it. A sinking feeling settled in the pit of her stomach-- she’d never remember, would she? She’d never be able to get those days back.
As the man spoke up, Skylar grimaced slightly. “I’m,” Fine was the word that she would have said. Doing alright was another one. But both were lies. They’d been lies for a long time. And she was trying to… be honest with herself now. “I’m getting there.” She said with a slight shrug, the motion jerky and uncomfortable as the still healing skin of her side stretched. “You’re very kind.” She said, the words soft as she leaned against the counter, her bandaged fingers resting on the top. “I just wanted to come by and person to, um… To apologize. And to thank you for everything you did. I don’t-- I don’t really remember much from that night, but you didn’t need to help me.”
Cutler’s eyes followed hers around the shop, unconsciously checking for signs of their last encounter. The shelves were long since fixed, window panel replaced, produce restocked. The floors were whiter than they had been; the bleach had washed away more than just the blood. He nodded sympathetically, critical eye examining her clothing where he knew injuries lurked underneath. There was still tenderness and pain in her movements, an intensity withheld for fear of opening up old wounds.
“Ah, I..anyone would’ve-it was nothing.” His hand waved in a dismissive motion at the compliment, as if brushing away the embarrassment. He focused his gaze on her fingers, finding comfort running the motions of potential treatments in his mind. “You don’t have to thank me. But I appreciate it. I know you weren’t yourself.” It struck him suddenly that he knew her, but she had no idea who he was. This was the rarest of opportunities: the second chance to make a first impression. “You want something to drink? We got coffee, juice, coconut water..”
As he searched Skylar’s face, he saw something familiar in it. Something he had seen in himself, and turned away from. She didn’t need a friendly shopkeeper right now, she needed a friend. “Look, Skylar,” He scratched at the bridge of his nose, averting his eyes from the raw sensitivity in her features. It had not escaped him that his own coffee beside the register was, at this point, considerably more Kahlua than coffee. Devoid of the bright tones of customer service, his voice sounded tired. “It’s not easy, I get that. It’s fucking hard, and it’s not gonna get easier. But it is gonna get better.”
The fingers of her left hand twitched slightly, one of the last remnants of the old Skylar, the nervous, anxious girl she’d been when she’d first come to this town. Glancing out the window of the store, she caught sight of her reflection staring back at her. The woman who stared back at her was someone she still didn’t recognize. When had she become so thin, when had her skin become mottled with cuts and bruises and scars? She didn’t know. She should, though. “No, it wasn’t nothing,” Skylar insisted, returning her attention to Cutler. “You could have called the police.” He probably should have called them. After all she’d done… it was a wonder she hadn’t been arrested. At his offer of something to drink, Skylar swallowed. “Ah… Coffee sounds nice.” She said with a nod. It was something to do, something to hold. And maybe the caffeine would take some of the edge off everything that she was feeling.
At his words, Skylar winced. It gets better. On some level, she knew that it was true. It’s what she’d told herself every time she’d been curled up in bed, crippled by the agony of not turning. It’s what she’d told herself when her mother had cut her off from the family, when she’d lost the only people who had ever loved her. She’d told herself that things would get better, only they didn’t. She’d tried and tried and failed. And now she was here. Maybe this was rock bottom, maybe this was the lowest she could be. And maybe Cutler was wrong. Maybe it wouldn’t get better. “I don’t know about that.” She said, voice hollow. “I want it to get better. But I’ve wanted that before. And I still ended up… here.”
Dots of cheap coffee splashed over the lip of the cup in front of him. Cutler slid squeaky styrofoam across the glass counter toward her, pressing the back of his hand into the rag hanging at his waist. When he flicked his eyes back up to meet hers it was with a steady confidence, his tone neutral and factual. “I know you can do it. You came back here, didn’t you? You didn’t have to do that.” He passed a few creamers and sugar packets over the rows of lotto tickets. “Is there anything I can do to help?” The sharp edge of the counter dug into his forearms as he pitched forward, full weight behind them. “You’ve already taken the first step, right?”
The lights of the store were not kind to her; layers of discolouration and scarring jumped out from under her skin, accented by deep purple valleys in the hollows of her face. “Do you remember anything from that night?” Coffee and alcohol burned its way down his chest, settling hot in his stomach. “You kept saying people hurt you. And you almost-” A slight wince crossed his features, and he started again. “You could have hurt me, easily. But you chose not to, even in that state. You didn’t pass it on, Skylar. I think that says something. I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t.”
Nodding in thanks as he slid the coffee across the counter, Skylar lifted the cup to her lips and took a small sip. It was hot and it was something to hold, something to focus on besides this man who could have very well been another casualty of her mistakes. Just like the college students in the woods. The coffee tasted harsher against her tongue at the thought, more bitter than it already was. She needed to do something for the families, for the parents who’d lost their children. She had to make amends. “I did, though. It’s only right that I came back and tried to apologize.” She stuck her hand into the pocket of her jacket, pulling out an envelope. “I know you said that you had things covered, but please. You can help me by taking the money and doing something good for your shop.” She wanted to make things better because the money… it wasn’t good money. She’d been cleaning out her room, gathering the things she was preparing to sell, when she’d found the rolls of money tucked away behind her desk. She remembered her dealer pressing the money into her hands when she’d handed vials of her tears over, a greedy look on his face. “Please. Take it.”
Clutching the cup tighter, Skylar shook her head. “No. I don’t remember anything.” She said quietly, regret leaking into her tone. “Mmm.” Skylar hummed, thinking back to what Rio had told her she’d said. How she hated Hunters, how they’d done nothing but hurt her and fill her life with misery. “I can’t… say how I was feeling at that moment, I don’t remember any of what I said. But, I’m glad that I didn’t hurt you.” She said nodding her head. “I’ve hurt enough people. And I’m trying to make things better. If I can.”
Cutler eyed the envelope on the table as she spoke. When he finally picked it up, it was with intentional apathy, as if she had asked for some change from the register or needed a recount. His thumb and forefinger pried the opening with a swift, practiced motion - usually these types of payments were given to him with swift glances under cover of darkness. But Skylar wasn’t a client. “I can’t accept this. I’m sure you need this more than I do.” He folded the top of the envelope back over with just a hint of regret, willing away thoughts of fresh paint and new shelving. It remained on the counter between them where he returned it, a quiet third participant in their conversation.
“I think it’s admirable what you’re doing. Making amends. It’s important.” His chin nodded toward the envelope. “What are you going to do now? Won’t you need that wherever you’re going?” The deep ridges of the counter lip stayed pressed into his forearms as he groaned his way back to an upright position, muscles screaming and stretching under several layers of wool and apron. “You’re still so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. It feels like the end of something, but maybe it’s the beginning of something else. That’s how I’m trying to look at it, anyway.” It was no longer entirely clear to him whether or not he was speaking for her or himself. Another sip from the cup. “Maybe I’m just sentimental.”
Watching apprehensively as he thumbed through the envelope, Skylar watched his expression, hoping to see some hint of how he’d respond. But, he was a stone wall. There was no give and, as he slid it onto the counter, Skylar felt her stomach sink. “No-- Please. Please, take it.” She said. “Let me do this.” She said, an ounce of desperation slipping into her voice before she steadied herself. “Sorry. I just… I’ve done so much damage. And I want to fix things. As much as I can before I--” She cut herself off, shaking her head. “Just please take it.”
A bit taken aback by his question, Skylar blinked. “I, Mm.” She hummed. “I have money left over. It’s okay, really.” She said with a nod. She’d figure things out, she’d be okay. She knew what she had to do and this was part of it. She took another drink from her styrofoam cup while the man talked. The coffee wasn’t all that hot, she knew that, but after months of numbing herself to the pain of existence, it felt scalding against her lips. Still, she drank it, grateful for the sensation. It reminded her that she was still here. “It’s… both. An ending, mhm, but I’m hoping that it’ll be a start for something… better. I’ve never really had better.” She said, her voice quiet. “But I’d like to one day.”
Cutler had been where she was. Sure, he had taken a different route to get there, but he recognized the fragility in her movements. Lights brighter, sensations louder and more abrasive. At rock bottom, everything feels bruised and tender; breakable. “Gotta start somewhere.” His eyes glanced to the envelope and back to her. He sensed that this was important for her, the action more so than the money. “I can’t-it wouldn’t be right for me to take money from you.”
A long pause. His eyes searched hers, looking for a spark underneath the deep sadness that hung around her. “But, uh, you could invest it. In the shop. I’ve been meaning to expand our fresh food offerings. Maybe with a greenhouse. Either way, it wouldn’t be going to my personal expenses, and it wouldn’t be as payment for anything you did. A fresh start. For the both of us.” It felt clumsy, what he was doing; like trying to put shattered glass back together with duct tape. It was all he could do.
“You’re in the before right now. As in, uh, before things get better. But when-if you come back, you could be a part of it. It would be a volunteer project, so...there’s a place for you here, if you want it. An after.” He threw a cautionary smile in her direction, hoping to pull something positive out of her, previously unseen. “Just think about it. No pressure.”
Running her thumbnail along the cup, Skylar etched a small picture into the foam. A simple flower, with a bud that hadn’t yet blossomed. How long had it been since she’d done something as simple as doodled? Or read? Or done anything-- She couldn’t remember. Skylar watched him in dismay as he insisted that it wouldn’t be right to take her money. She needed it gone, needed to know that what she’d done… could be made even just the slightest bit better. But, as he continued to talk, Skylar met his gaze with a jolt of surprise. An investment. In the future of this place, to try and help it grow, and flourish, and bloom. She wanted that. She wanted to know that she could leave some kind of positive mark in the wake of the pain she’d caused.
“I-- yes. I’d love to help with that. If this, if the money can help make that a reality, please. Put it towards making a greenhouse.” Skylar said, stumbling over her words. A fresh start. “I can’t… stay here to see it through, but maybe one day. Maybe once things have changed.” Once she’d found a fresh start of her own, maybe she’d be able to face White Crest again. “Thank you, really. I-- I really appreciate,” She paused, “everything. You didn’t need to do any of this. You didn’t need to help me when I’d broken in here, you didn’t need to be so kind. You don’t even know me. But, thank you. Really, thank you.”
The envelope felt heavy with purpose as Cutler lifted it, curling the stack of bills around his forefinger. His other hand took one of the coffee cups off the stack behind him, rounded edges turning sharp as he pressed the money inside. “That’s the thing,” His hand wandered absentmindedly to the pocket on his apron, retrieving a pair of reading glasses. Through the square lenses, the details of the cup in front of him came into sharp focus; dirty, papery edges inside cheap patterned plastic leaped out at him. Wherever this money had been, it was nowhere clean. “Even when you’re gone, the things you do matter. You’ve touched a lot of people here, Skylar. People care about you. I hope you can come back. On your own terms, of course.”
He looked over his glasses at her, eyebrows knitting together slightly. “No, thank you. This donation means a lot.” The junk drawer below the register clattered discordantly as he opened it and scanned the various odds and ends for--there it was. His hand emerged victorious, holding aloft a black sharpie with no small flourish. His mouth turned upward slightly at her, encouraging her to join in. This was her doing, after all. On the cup, he scribbled two words in barely legible doctor’s scrawl. Greenhouse Fund. “Everybody’s gotta start somewhere. This is as good a place as any.”
The bell of the door dinged behind them, bringing him back to where he was. The store. Customers. Produce. Lotto tickets. Regular life, unchanging like the tides. When he returned his gaze to Skylar, something had ended between them. He knew then, that the moment they had shared would be their last and that it could be no other way. She needed to go, he needed to stay. There was nothing left for him to say except, “I wish you all the best.” And he meant it.
// i love how clearly written skylar is and how much she has developed over the course of you writing her - she is always a joy to read <3
@phoenixleah
// Skylar is SUCH a pleasure to read and you write her in such an interesting, enriching way. She has her flaws but her innate goodness shines through every time. I am so in awe of your writing of her!!
[Meta Monday] What do you like most about your character?
// Oh boy. That’s a big question.
I think the thing I like the most about Skylar is how hard she tries. The current plot line with her isn’t the best example of this, because a lot of it focuses on the fact that she has given up. But, Skylar is someone who has spent so much of her life trying to be something for others. Her whole life she’s had the odds stacked against her-- she grew up with parents who manipulated and controlled her, was both bullied and shunned by her peers, and had a very traumatic departure from her home only to wind up in White Crest, where things got even more messy for her. That takes a toll on someone. And I think the current plot I have right now demonstrates what happens when strong, good people reach their breaking point.
But, even with all that, she’s tried so hard to be something good in the lives of others. She has always tried to be a good daughter to parents who could never love and accept her for what she was. She’s always tried to be a good friend and support others, even if she’s fallen quite a few times recently. Through it all, she’s still trying to hold onto what hope she has left. Cos life is about the trying and the failing and picking yourself up to try again, you know?
So yeah. The thing I like most about Skylar is her strength to keep trying.
[pm] Please don’t…I don’t want to think about what might have happened if you didn’t come to me, Skylar. You didn’t…you never hurt me, while we were together, there was no physical altercation. I actually… I sort of challenged you to hurt me, … to prove to you that you’re not a mons a better person than you believe yourself to be. And you didn’t do it.
And you never forced me to give you those tears. I gave them willingly. Sure, I would have preferred you staying and healing, but you did not use me, Skylar. Friendships are not transactional. I’d do it again if you asked.
He seems to be very kind. Perhaps Rio can help as well? You mentioned him a bunch to me that night, too. Maybe he knows the missing pieces.
Okay. I’ll do that. I’m putting some food in there as well- when was the last time you ate? But I don’t want you driving high, Skylar. I’m bringing it back on that condition. Can you do that for me?
[User is idle for some time]
Sorry-- I... Sorry. Lost track of time.
I shouldn’t have asked though. I shouldn’t have put you in that position, I shouldn’t have taken m done.... a lot of things. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I did all of that, I’m sorry that I put you through all of this.
I don’t know. You really don’t need to, but thank you.
Description: Skylar stumbles; her father is there to catch her.
TW: Addiction, Drug Use, Body Horror (eyes)
Skylar watched as her breath escaped from her lips in a cloud of white. Almost like smoke, it filled the wintery air around her as she walked through the forest. A part of her knew that this was stupid. Because it was. With each step she took, she could feel the sharp pangs of her injuries, reminding her of everything she’d done. Her memories, they weren’t coming back, but the guilt that bore down on her as so many people told her what she’d done… it was too much. It was all too much. And she wanted to get better, she knew she needed to get better. But it was too much to handle, too much to feel, too much pain and anguish and suffering. Her conversation with Rio was a reminder of that. She wasn’t the only one dealing with grief and despair. He’d killed... he’d lost his family too. There was just so much pain in this world.
As Skylar walked further into the forest, she pulled the small flat pill from her pocket. It had escaped Erin’s notice when the other woman had helped her clean out her room and… Skylar knew she should have thrown it away. She should have grabbed it from where it had fallen and thrown it in the bin with the rest of her mistakes. She should have told Rio about it, should have come clean. But, she’d seen the pill, seen it, known what it was. And never more in her life had she wanted to just… leave herself for a little. One last trip, one last day spent lying in a field, the world passing her by without her having to carry the burdens that rested on her shoulders. And then, then she’d be able to get better. Then she’d be able to get over this, this thing. Just one last time.
Popping the pill into her mouth, she swallowed it and settled down in a snow covered clearing. She’d smacked her head more times than she could remember because she’d taken Daverin and misjudged how quickly the effects would hit her. She didn’t want her last trip to be bad, just wanted to ease herself into that state of nothingness. That was what she needed, she needed it to get well. And as soon as it was over, she was done. She’d be good, she’d have gotten that one last… last trip. And she’d be fine.
Shivering slightly in the cold, Skylar waited for the Daverin to kick in. It was taking longer than it had the last time, but time was still a tricky concept. After those weeks lost, sometimes entire days would pass in the blink of an eye while at other times, minutes would crawl past her. Just another reason why she wanted to lose herself for a few hours, for a day if she was lucky. As she sat there, instead of the growing sense of barely there consciousness, all Skylar felt was… vaguely itchy. It was all over, her arms, her legs, a spot on her stomach. She did her best to ignore it, but there was a place on the back of her hand that was just increasingly uncomfortable. Rubbing at it with her bandaged hand, Skylar winced in pain as a strange poking pressure filled her hand. What? She glanced down and let out a panicked gasp of shock.
Staring at her from the back of her hand was a pale blue eye—looking down at her was a startled face, covered in bruises and bandages, with tangled hair—Skylar shut her eyes as she tried to reconcile the twin images in her mind. An eye. She’d sprouted an eye on her hand. And her arms, they were itching even worse now, and suddenly more eyes were opening. She could see the material of her coat, the stitching of her long sleeve shirt, see the wet spots where snow had melted and stained the cuff of her shirt. A panicked scream escaped her mouth as Skylar tried to shut her eyes, tried to block out all the lines of vision that were streaming into her mind.
A new eye appeared on the side of her cheek and Skylar let out a startled shout as a familiar shape appeared before her. She was frozen in place, too afraid of falling and crushing one of the newly sprouting eyes on the ground, but if she could move, she would have stumbled away and run.
“No, no, no. Please, no.” She muttered under her breath as the bloodied, broken body of her father took shape in the field. He was sitting on the ground next to her, his face just as bruised as she remembered it. But, his dark blue eyes, the stared directly at her. The confusion and pain on his face the last time he’d appeared to her was gone now. Instead, Skylar could see pity. Sadness. “Don’t look at me like that, don’t!” She protested shaking her head. Her hands rose to push him away, to force him back to wherever he’d come from. But, her hands plunged through nothing and he offered her a sad smile. He opened his mouth to speak and for a moment, Skylar thought that she’d lost her hearing aids again. She couldn’t hear him, she couldn’t understand.
Her father tilted his head for a moment before lifting his hands from his lap and signing, “You can see me again.”
Swallowing, Skylar nodded mutely. She wanted to sign back at him, to ask why he was here, why he was talking to her. But, her fingers were stiff with the cold and the bandages around her right hand prevented her from being able to move quickly. Noticing the way she shifted, he signed, “I can hear you. You can speak.”
Biting the inside of her cheek, Skylar did her best to remain calm as the remaining eyeballs sprouted onto her skin. She could see him through different eyes now, creating a disorienting multi-image view of the world around him. With a shaky breath, Skylar spoke up, “I thought you left. How… long have you been here?”
Her father bobbled his head, before signing, “I did leave. I was looking for your mother, back when I’d been drawn to this place. But I came back… a month ago? I didn’t know if you’d be able to see me again, but I had to try.”
The pit in her stomach grew as she realized what that meant—he’d been here, he’d been watching her for the past month. He’d seen her at her worst, watched her do… horrible things. Dampness ran down her arms and she realized that she was crying, tears leaking from the many eyes that dotted her skin. “So,” she struggled to control her emotions, voice cracking, “So you know what I’ve done.”
A pained expression crossed his face as he nodded, hands hesitating for a moment. “I do. I meant what I said the last time we saw each other. I never wanted any of this for you. I never wanted you to know the kind of pain that comes with being… alone.” He said before rubbing the back of his neck. It was a familiar gesture, something Skylar realized she herself had done many times before. “Life for our kind, it isn’t easy. We’re hunted. We’re prized for our skin above all else. But it’s a good life, Skylar. You’ve never known what it was like to be a part of a pod or to swim with others like us. You’ve never felt the currents carry you, never heard the sounds of life below the waves, never experienced all the things I loved.”
“That’s not my life.” She said, shaking her head.
“That doesn’t mean it can’t be.” He signed before rubbing his chin, his bruised face appearing even younger in the bright, snowy field. He was so young when he’d died. He couldn’t have been more than a few years older than her now. “You’re my daughter and I will always, always love you. I loved you from the moment you were born. And I wish that I could have given you the life you deserved. But, just because I can’t, that doesn’t mean you can never have it. You are so strong, so much stronger than you think. And you can change, I know you can.”
Her father gestured to her and Skylar felt a wash of shame rush over her. If he’d been watching over her for the past month, he knew the extent of her injuries, he knew just how much her life had been consumed by drugs. How could he possibly think that she could change?
“I can’t. I’m… I’ve made so many mistakes. That life, that you want for me? I can’t have that. It’s not, it’s not something for me.” She said shaking her head.
“But you can. You can have it. You can atone for the mistakes you’ve made, you can build a better life for yourself. You can learn. You can grow. You’re still here, Skylar. I wish I had the same chance.” Her father signed, an expression of sadness crossing his face before he looked back up at her. There was a steely eyed determination in his eyes as he reached out to touch her. While she could see his hands grasping her own, Skylar couldn’t feel the embrace. He was gone. He was dead and gone. And she… she could have been just like him.
Pulling back from her, he signed, “Life is hard. But it’s worth living.” He stood up and as he did so, Skylar realized that her vision was converging. The eyes on her arms were receding, their lids closing for a final time as smooth skin replaced them. The eye on the back of her hand was already gone and she could feel the others begin to shut.
“No, no—please, don’t go. I can’t—I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to, to be what you want me to.” Skylar begged as one by one, the eyes on her body began to wink out of existence. The shape of her father began to waver, flickering into the background of the world around them.
“I think you do. You just have to take the first step.” He signed before offering a final smile. Her eyes squinted and strained to make out the outline of his hands as he faded away. “Eliza misses you.”
Two thick streams of tears rolled down Skylar’s cheeks as she sat in the snow, staring at the space where her father had once stood.
Description: Skylar and Rio have a serious chat; they both come clean.
TW: Addiction, Memory Loss
“Hey, Dundee.” Skylar said quietly as the dog leaped up onto the kitchen counter next to her lunch, rubbing his face against her shoulder for pets. She still wasn’t sure how such a tiny dog could jump that high, but she wasn’t going to question it. Chewing a mouthful of salmon, Skylar tried not to think about how dull it tasted. She wasn’t sure what had been in the mushrooms that the dealer had given her, but ever since the lost weeks everything just tasted… dry, dusty. Like it could never really compare to the blue mushrooms she’d had. Swallowing, Skylar pushed the plate away from her before resting her head against the cool stone countertop. Erin had helped her last week, she’d gotten rid of the needles and the bottles and mushrooms and the pills. And that should have helped, it should have made things better. But, just being in this house, where she’d spent so many months numbing herself to the pain of the world? It was wearing her down. And she had to… change. Things had to change.
As Skylar did her best to hold herself together, Dundee let out a snuffling little bark next to her. She looked up from her place at the counter and realized that Rio had entered the kitchen. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t hear you.” She said, running her fingers over her hearing aids and flicking them on. Her right hand was clumsy, the thick layer of bandages getting in the way. And her ear… it felt even stranger. She still wasn’t used to that missing chunk, that piece of her that had been lost that night. “I… know you said you wanted to talk. Did you, um, did you want to do that now?”
Orion was big talk over an online forum until they actually needed to talk in person. He had been gungho about having a chat following the bakery debacle. Now, Rio had found himself cutting corners around the house and averting his path if Skylar threatened to walk across it. He didn’t know how to confront her. He didn’t know how to talk to her about that day, or what she said. He definitely didn’t know how to talk about what he found in her room. He was failing on all fronts. He couldn’t avoid her anymore. Both of them deserved better than that.
“No problem. I’m too light on my feet I guess.” Orion signed as he spoke, noticing her flicking her hearing aids on. He wasn’t about to claim that he was completely cured of his clumsiness, but the training had certainly helped him be a bit more agile. He tried to focus on her facial expressions, but Rio’s eyes kept gravitating towards her ear. The missing chunk clawed on Rio’s guilt and he couldn’t help but notice all the little cuts and bruises covered by band aids. Rio looked at his own palm. A faint scar from the cut was still visible, but aside from that it had almost entirely healed. Just another testament to how unfair his own advantage was. “Yeah. Yeah of course. I think we should. There’s a lot to talk about I guess.”
Rio’s dedication to signing was something Skylar had always appreciated. He’d always gone out of his way to make sure that he was communicating clearly. But right now, she couldn’t even do the same. Her right hand was still heavily bandaged, her middle and ring fingers stiff with gauze. She could only partially sign and it just… felt wrong. “I should have been paying more attention.” Skylar said with a shrug, patting Dundee with her good hand. At Rio’s words, she braced herself, ready for him to hit her with a barrage of questions or to demand answers from her. But, that had never really been his way, had it? Resting her hands on the table, Skylar did her best not to look at the light scars that ran up her arms. They were the lingering marks that remained after she’d turned, circular patterns that reminded her of just how close she’d come to dying. “Before we talk, I just want you to know that I’m… I’m so sorry, Rio.” She said, doing her best to keep her voice from wavering. “I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never thought I would, but… that’s not what happened. And I’m sorry that you got hurt and that I did… that I said all those things.” She grimaced, shutting her eyes for a moment to steady herself. Skylar took in a deep breath before looking at him once more. “What-- what do you want to know?”
What did someone do when they were having a serious conversation? Did Orion continue to stand in the middle of the kitchen, hands awkwardly fidgeting at his sides? It never felt like there was a right away to not look uncomfortable while talking about things that he was incredibly unused to discussing. Eventually, he slid over to the counter and hoisted himself onto it. “It’s fine. Like I said, you didn’t say anything that I didn’t understand. Besides, I’m not even hurt.” He flashed his palm in her direction momentarily, breaking his signing momentarily. Skye wasn’t able to sign very well with the injuries, but Rio had become so accustomed to it that it seemed almost second nature at this point. “I’m sorry too,” Rio admitted, “I should have known that something was wrong. I’ve been so caught up in my own life that I completely missed that you needed someone. I wish I could have been there.” What questions did Rio have? Rather, what question could he properly ask? “Is the… uh ‘stuff’ still in your room?”
Skylar slipped away from the counter as Rio boosted himself up onto it. If she had the strength, she would have hopped up next to him. But months of locking herself up in the house, losing herself to Bliss and the medley of drugs she’d grown so reliant on, it had taken its toll on her. Her frame was thinner now, weaker. Not that she’d ever been strong, but… she wasn’t the same anymore. “But it’s not-- what I said, it’s not true. Those were things that-- you didn’t deserve that. What I said, it wasn’t okay.” Skylar protested. She still didn’t fully remember what had happened, but as the puzzle pieces came together, they formed a hazy, disturbing image. She didn’t remember the words she’d said, but she’d remembered how she’d felt. She’d remembered the fear and the hate that had thrummed through her body. And Rio hadn’t deserved to have that directed at him, not when he’d been nothing but kind to her.
Wincing at the way he held up his hand so casually, Skylar averted her eyes. “But I hurt you. Even if it’s healed now, I hurt you. And that sort of thing… it sticks around. I’m so sorry.” She said, shaking her head. She’d never wanted to hurt anyone. She really hadn’t. But Leah and Erin and Morgan, they’d all been right. She hadn’t just been hurting herself. Chewing the inside of her cheek, Skylar shook her head at his question. “No. Erin, she came and helped me get rid of everything. All of it.” She lied, the final pill she’d saved hidden in the lining of her pocket. She’d kept it tucked away since Erin had left, not allowing herself to touch it. But, she couldn’t bare to throw it away either. “It’s all gone.”
“It is true.” Orion doubled down. He knew that she had been beating herself up about what she had said about hunters. More specifically, what she had said about him. But Rio didn’t want her apology for something that he thought about himself. As dangerous as other hunters were, Rio had spilled blood too. “I get what you’re saying. But just because I don’t agree with that stuff doesn’t mean it’s not part of me. My family did a lot of bad things. And I let them get away with it because I was always too afraid to do something.” Until he did do something about it. As much as he wanted to claim his motives were purely altruistic, he chose to take his dad’s life for his own selfish reasons. “You don’t have to feel bad about it, okay? I know what you meant. I know it wasn’t personal now.”
Orion hadn’t realized that seeing the scar would bother Skye. He took note of the way she looked away from his palm and he quickly tucked it away into the pocket of his hoodie. “Uh sorry-” Rio began apologizing, but she beat him to it. “Well, thanks. For the apology. All is forgiven.” He just wanted them to be on a good note. To be friends again. Because he had seen this play out before. As much as he wanted to ignore the signs, he had an idea that he knew what was coming. “That’s good. I’m glad I-” he paused, thinking how to phrase his question, “It isn’t going to be easy is it? Withdrawal and all that? I want to help.”
Rio was adamant, insisting that she had been right. But, Skylar didn’t want to hear that. Because if she’d said something right when she was so far gone, what did that mean about the world? Grimacing, she sucked in a deep breath. “But you’ve never been one of the people who’s done that. You’ve never done that, Rio. You’ve never hurt people. And it wasn’t right of me to act like you were.” She said and sighed. “It was personal, but not towards you. Ever since I’ve found out what I am…” Skylar stared down at her bandaged hands, the thin circular scars that dotted the back of her arms. “I’ve been so afraid. And I thought that… trying to drown it all out would get rid of that fear. But it didn’t. It really, really didn’t. And I need to learn to be… stronger than that.” She said.
Out of the corner of her eye, Skylar could see him slipping his hand away and she chanced a glance back up at him. Even when he said all was forgiven, she couldn’t help but doubt it. She’d done so much harm. It couldn’t just be… forgiven like that. She’d hurt him, hurt Nate, hurt Luis-- Swallowing, she did her best to hide her distress as she remembered just how much damage she’d caused. People had died because of her. Four college students, they were dead. Because she’d thought it would be better to lose herself in nothingness and unreality than to face her problems. Glancing up at him, Skylar grimaced. “I don’t… know how it’s going to be. But you’ve already done so much for me. I don’t want you to have to do more. I’m not your responsibility.”
Now it was Orion that couldn’t keep eye contact with Skye. Athena and Rio had been sworn to secrecy. A night that neither of them could ever take back, but could change the rest of their lives if anyone knew. Skye was claiming that Rio never hurt people, but that wasn’t exactly the case was it? He had hurt too many people. He had stabbed Luis. Punched Ariana. Hurt Athena and Luce. Killed his own dad. Rio wanted nothing more than to tell her exactly how much he had become like the hunters he had always hated. “Right. I guess.” Instead, he just mumbled a generic response and welcomed a change in subject. “You had every right to be afraid. You shouldn’t have to be, but you are. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are. You’ve survived in White Crest this long.” A lot of people couldn’t say the same. “You’re not a responsibility. You’re my friend. I don’t want to help because I feel obligated to. It’s because I care about you.”
Orion thought that he was done talking, but he began shaking his head and hopping off of the kitchen counter, “Actually…” Skylar hadn’t been afraid tonight to be honest with Rio. And as much as the idea of being honest terrified Rio, he knew he could trust Skylar. Even if that meant that Skylar hated him. “I have hurt people.” He started, taking a breath before continuing, “My parents. They died a few months ago. I’m sure you’ve heard about it.” He couldn’t tell the full truth. Athena’s secret wasn’t his to tell. But this was close enough, “It was me. I was there that night. And I think they were going to- I don’t think I was going to make it out of there unless…” He kept pausing, rephrasing. Nothing sounded right. It all sounded exactly how he thought it did- evil. Like murder. “I was so tired of what they did to me and other species in the name of some higher power. So I had to- stop them.”
Flexing her good hand, Skylar thought back to the pain she’d felt as she’d tried to slip into her skin that night. It was the clearest memory, one of the first that had come back to her. When she’d emerged from the Cave of Voice, wrapped up in her skin, when she’d stepped onto the sand, the memory had almost taken her breath away. She’d been so close to dying. She hadn’t realized it then, the Bliss and the Featherweight numbing her so much that she hadn’t realized how much blood she’d lost. She hadn’t realized how frail her bones had grown, how withered her muscles had become. She had been a foot from death’s door and would have happily crossed the threshold if it hadn’t been for Rio and Shiloh. “I’ve only survived because of other people. You saved me that night. You and Shiloh both. I’ve only lived this long because there were other people there.” She said with a shake of her head. “I know you care about me,” But you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t have to. “And I hope you know that I care about you too. You’re one of my best friends, Rio.” One of my only friends left.
As Rio continued to speak, Skylar tilted her head to watch his lips, to read his body language. The critical analysis came like second nature to her-- months of not caring what people were saying weren’t enough to erase a lifetime of yearning to communicate with others-- but it still felt foreign to her as she tried to pick apart just what he meant. And his words, his words, they only served to increase her confusion. She’d heard about the Quinn’s, heard about the tragedy. It had been hard to miss and she’d… been so lost to her own situation that she hadn’t even been there properly to support Rio during that time. But, as he said, It was me, Skylar struggled to comprehend what he meant. He didn’t… “What do you mean by that?” She asked, confused, though she had a sinking feeling she knew exactly what he meant. “You… stopped them?”
It didn’t surprise Orion that Skye wouldn’t give herself the credit for being strong. Instead she tried to push it onto other people, friends that helped her along the way. Rio did the same thing to himself on multiple occasions. In a lot of ways, Rio thought that was why the two of them kept getting along after their first blunder. More than anyone else in town, Rio might have the most in common with Skye. Despite the wildly different worlds the two had come from. She couldn’t accept her own strength just like Rio would never accept his own. “Friends are both of the package. Having friends around to help doesn’t make us less strong.” He wished he could take his own advice. “Of course I know that. You’re one of the greatest friends I’ve ever had.” In spite of everything, that remained true.
The silence sat between them for a moment. A silence that Orion was positive came from some sort of understanding. Even if Skye didn’t know how to process that Rio was a killer, she had to at least have picked up on what he had implied. But Rio let her question linger for a moment so they still had their last words about being best friends to hold onto. If nothing else, Rio could remember that. If things went poorly. “I knew they would just keep hurting people. Killing them.” He wanted to reassure Skye that he hadn’t had a choice. That it was his own life or theirs. But that wouldn’t exactly be the truth, would it? He remembered every single detail of that night. Down to the most minute of details. He remembered the exact opportunity he could have used to walk out of the door and never go back. How he chose to ignore it and take the knife from Athena’s hand. Rio would lie to protect Athena, but he wouldn’t lie to make himself look better. “I killed them.”
Watching his hands move as he spoke, Skylar wondered if he was right. After everything she’d put them through-- friends and strangers alike-- she didn’t know if she even deserved to call these people her friends. They were too kind to her, too forgiving. She’d done… awful things. She’d caused so much pain, something she’d never wanted to do. She’d always promised that she would try to help people, but somehow, she’d strayed so far from who she’d wanted to be. From who she thought she was. She didn’t want to argue with Rio, not about this. So, she let the comment slide with a slight grimace of a smile. “I’m glad that we can still say that.” Even if I don’t deserve it. Even if you shouldn’t care about me.
It felt like an eternity as Skylar waited for Rio to speak, waiting for him and hoping that he wouldn’t say what she thought he would. Because if he did… if he put those words out into the air, what would that mean? But, she couldn’t stop him. Watching Rio carefully, she studied him as he spoke, the words coming out, halting at first. And then all at once. I killed them. Blinking, Skylar rocked back slightly on her heels before bracing herself on the kitchen counter behind her. He’d killed them. He’d killed… his parents. No matter who they were, they were still his parents. Skylar knew something about losing parents, but she could never understand the weight that bore down on Rio’s shoulders. “I’m so sorry.” She said, her eyes welling up with tears in the corners. “I’m so sorry.”
The confession certainly wasn’t how Orion expected this day to go. It wasn’t until he spoke it that he realized just how much the truth had been crushing him. He didn’t have anyone to talk about it with. Nobody that knew the truth that was still in town. Except for Athena, and she showed no signs of wanting to talk about that night in any detail. It seemed like she didn’t want to acknowledge that it even happened. Which Rio supposed he could understand. Though his feelings on the night must be far different than his sister’s. “It’s okay. It’s okay. You don’t have to cry for me!” Tears were running down Rio’s face too, but he hid them behind a laugh and quick wipe with his forearm. He wasn’t sure how far was too far. Did he explain that his tears now were because of Skylar, and not because he felt any remorse for the people that had raised him? Skylar already had enough new knowledge about Rio to process right now. “You don’t have to cry for me. It’s- it’s done now. And I don’t know if I did the right thing or not. I really don’t. But I do know that there are two less people in the world that will try to hurt you or anyone like you.” If nothing else, the town was two hunters safer. “I’m more worried about whether or not you’ll be okay.”
He’d killed his own parents and he was telling her not to cry for him? Rio was more concerned with her than himself, how he was feeling? Skylar couldn’t help it, the sobs continued, the tears streaming down her face. She hadn’t known that he had carried this terrible secret, she hadn’t known that he was suffering. She’d been lost to her own problems, her own issues, without thinking about what other people were going through. Months, months. The Quinns, the news had reported their deaths so long ago. And Rio had been sitting with this for so long. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She repeated, shaking her head as she tried to get a hold of herself. Sucking in a breath, Skylar steadied her trembling shoulders. “You shouldn’t have had to do that. Your parents, your family…” Skylar shut her eyes as she thought back to her own parents, the family she had thought loved her and only ever hurt her. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you had to choose. I’m sorry that this place, this world… that it made you do this.” She said miserably, opening her eyes to stare at him with regretful blue eyes. “I-- I don’t know.” Skylar said honestly. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay. But, I want, I want to be better. Than this.” She gestured to herself with her bandaged hand.
As her sobbing continued and Orion tried to make sure that he didn’t start crying alongside her. He had hoped that this confession would help. Though he wasn’t exactly sure how this was supposed to make things less terrible. It had been a spur of the moment decision to talk about it, one that he clearly hadn’t thought through completely. “Me too. I’m so sorry. The whole reason I went into your room that first time was because of my family. I spent so long without making friends that when I finally did the first thing I did was worry if my family was going to try to kill them. It isn’t fair. But it’s not fair that your parents were taken from you. None of this is fair.” Yet somehow, Rio couldn’t bring himself to leave this awful town. “You will be. Okay? You’re a good person. You will be more than okay. Eventually.”
Holding back the tears, Skylar gritted her teeth together. She had to get it together, she had to… get control of this. Rio had enough on his plate, he did. She didn’t need to make things worse for him by blubbering like this. He’d killed his own parents. That sort of burden wasn’t… wasn’t something you carried lightly. She couldn’t even imagine what he was going through. “No, don’t apologize. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” She said, waving her hands. “Mmm. None of this is fair.” Skylar echoed, wiping her face with the hem of her shirt. “I… I hope so. I hope that I can be that.” She said, though the small pill tucked in her pocket was burning a hole in her mind. This hurt, this pain, this anguish and sadness and grief and regret. She could forget it all, just one last time. She could just-- Swallowing, Skylar looked over at Rio with a tired expression on her face. “I think… I think I’m going to go for a walk, if that’s okay? I just,” She paused, letting out a watery laugh, “I just need time. I’m sorry, Rio.” She said, the apology genuine. It was an apology for all she’d done. And for what she… needed to do.
Orion was sure that he had plenty to be sorry for. It just happened that killing his dad and participating in his mother’s death wasn’t really one of them. “Sure. I just- I guess this probably wasn’t an ideal time to spring that news on you.” He refrained from apologizing again. The two of them had done so much of that today already. “You can be. You will be.” Rio reiterated, more sure of it than he was about most things. Skylar was a good person. A good person who was dealt a horrible hand. And she had only been put through worse and worse things lately. She deserved better than that. “Right. Yeah, yeah of course.” Rio shook his head, sliding away from her and making sure she had plenty of room to move past him. Should he be trying to keep her here? It was her house. She was an adult. It was hardly his place to try to stop her. But it felt like know matter what he did, he always picked the wrong thing to do. “Just please let me know if there’s something I can do, okay? Like I said, you don’t have to do any of this alone.”
“I don’t know if there’s ever an ideal time to talk about something like that.” Skylar said with a slightly pained attempt of a smile. She meant it as a gesture of support, but all she wanted to do was… leave the house. Leave this place, let the air rush over her and try not to feel. Just one last time, and then she’d be able to face all of this. She’d be able to handle all the pain and the guilt that the world threw at her. As Rio continued to speak, Skylar did her best to disguise her eagerness to leave. “I hope so.” She said with a sigh, moving for the door. Her hand was on the doorknob when he said his final piece and Skylar looked over at him. She should tell him. She should come clean. She should do this, he was telling her she wasn’t alone. He was offering to help. And she should take his help.
Instead, all she did was nod. “Thanks, Rio. Really.” And with that, Skylar headed out of the house, the cold winter air whipping around her face. She pushed her hands into the pocket of her jeans, her fingers closing around the pill. One last time. And then she’d get better. She’d make the change, just… one last time.
