The Sun In Our Days

The day will always come. Be brave and conquer the night.

[thesuninourdays]

I think about running away all the time.

[thesuninourdays]

This one’s not about you.

[thesuninourdays]

Stop saying I deserve better. Just be better.

[thesuninourdays]

It was never supposed to be like this. I guess that’s why it hurts so much. Because the thing I feared most happened. Out of nowhere. The person I was going to spend the rest of my life woke up one day and wasn’t sure if they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me.

And so I’m left here. Eyes swollen but dry and a gaping hole in my chest. Is it hot in here or is it the fact I’ve forgotten how to breathe? It feels like my heart is missing. It was once in my chest beating blissfully away and overflowing with love. And now nothing. It’s gone.

It’s like someone’s kicked the wind out of me and I’m lying on the ground and there’s a voice in my head screaming at me to get up but I can’t move.

Everyone talks about my achievements. But I’m about to go back to square one. Start again. And now I know for sure you can never trust anyone or rely on them for anything. Everything you’ve ever loved will hurt you. One way or the other. And that’s life isn’t it.

[thesuninourdays]

You did this to us. You fucking did this. And you’re too self absorbed to realise it. All I can do is whisper it into my pillow when I desperately want to scream it.

[thesuninourdays]

I cried cause it hurt.

[thesuninourdays]

We move in together get engaged get a dog get married have kids and that’s it. The rest of your life in the blink of an eye and it’s scary and exciting and terrifying.

[thesuninourdays]

We don’t communicate. That’s why I sit over hear talking to myself and the voices in my head. And still you have the audacity to wonder why I’m like this. Wonder why I’m crazy. Because I’m not crazy. I’m sane. My feet are firmly planted on the ground and I’m ready to walk myself home.

[thesuninourdays]

I don’t want to die.

But, if I were to fall and break my arm I wouldn’t mind.

If I were to be driven into by a semi-trailer on the highway causing me to fall into a coma that I would eventually wake from, I wouldn’t mind.

And if I were in an armed robbery I would happily stand in front of the gun they were pointing at the civilians. Although you may think that brave, I would be wishing that someone would accidentally pull the trigger.

When I go to the beach and the waves are enormous and unforgiving, I swim out into the deep in hope that they pull me under long enough so that I pass out.

I imagine walking down the street and I accidentally bump into someone, I wouldn’t mind if they beat me within an inch of my life.

I don’t want to die. But, I wouldn’t mind if it all stopped for a little while. I want a reason to feel the way I feel. I want a reason to feel something other then numb even if it is pain. I want a reason to fight for my life. The only thing that makes each of these sentences not end with my life is you. But, I wouldn’t put you through these things. I just wouldn’t mind.

[thesuninourdays]

So what if I don’t love you as much as I said I did.

He looked at her with confusion his face furrowing as he tried to make her understand how ridiculous she was being. Even if she was right.

What’s it to you?

She played those words out as a final blow. She had won. There was no reason for her to stay. Those words had physical hurt him. And how do you heal from something that doesn’t leave a mark?

That’s how she left him, wounded. It wasn’t at all beautiful. You see it’s important to realise that and recognise pain for what it is. Not for what we disguise it has. He hadn’t pulled her pigtails or ruined her sandcastle or called her names. No it was her who had made him want her approval. All the nasty little things she did because she knew it would drive him mad. But, she’s not the bad guy here. The devil maybe but not the villain in this story. He needed her to love him and for her to approve of him. I mean have you never been in love. It’s awful.

[thesuninourdays]

Sometimes when I’m alone in another room even and I have a quiet moment to myself I think I love you. It’s almost like I realise I do. But then I hear your voice or I read a message from you or I see your incredible smile and I know for sure that I don’t.

[thesuninourdays]

I tried to be good, I honestly did. And now it's time to move on to another hobby.

The Sun In Our Days

[thesuninourdays]

Life’s not bad; but it’s not good.

The Sun In Our Days

[thesuninourdays]

To the person standing on the ledge of the great unknown,

Take a deep breath. You got time.

The Sun In Our Days

[thesuninourdays]

Jump. Jump? It was very late and so dark. I couldn’t tell where the boat ended and the sea began. Nothingness all around. If you jump, I’ll jump. Ok? Don’t think just do. I jumped. There I was in the middle of the ocean at night. That’s when it happened. My arms and legs began to glow a spectacular sparkly green. The more I moved the greater the glow of the bioluminescent plankton. My snorkel mask allowed me to see the bodies of my friends transform into glow sticks in incredible fashion. I could’ve stayed there all night. Let my skin turn all wrinkly and gross. But alas, the moment had to end. The memory still lingers.

The Sun In Our Days

[thesuninourdays]

It’s 3:am. The sand shines brightly under the moon. Waves gently roll upon the shore. It’s warm. We stumble into the shallows fully clothed. When the water reaches the middle of our calves we lay down floating on our backs like glorious little starfish. The stars. Wow. A moment I wish to relive but know that if I do I’d be able to catch my breath this time. An unforgettable time on an island in the middle of nowhere thousands of kilometres from home with a person who was a stranger 5 days before. The world changes you; let it.

The Sun In Our Days

[thesuninourdays]

I want to tell you how I feel but it won’t change a thing. I’m not just saying that. I mean I’ve watched you change over the last couple of months. I’ve noticed the fight drain out of you completely. Seen the replies lessen. Felt you disappear completely. You say you haven’t changed; maybe you haven’t but instead stopped trying. Found a reason to give up on us so you did. You’re not the boy who made me second guess why I was saying no. Or made me question why I had waited so long to love you like I do. Or told me that you wanted us to be together forever. Or asked me to stay and never leave. Or fought so forcefully at the start so that I would give us a chance. You worked and fought and tried so hard just to let it, watch it effortlessly all fall apart. And I can’t be bothered wasting my time with someone who didn’t even have to say they didn’t love me anymore for me to know.

The Sun In Our Days